I can't tell you how happy I am to live in a world where this is not an April Fool's Day Prank.

You know, a 'Full Eclipse.' It's like a 'Total Eclipse,' except made for television. And is it just me, or is there some confusion about whether the guy on the bottom is 'evil van Peebles' or not? I guess I just have Jekyll/Hyde stories on the brain, because


This is one of those movies where one day you're theorizing 'wouldn't it have been kickass if they'd done a multigender Jekyll/Hyde tale back when Sean Young was in her loony prime?' And then the universe course-corrects itself, and next thing you know, the VHS is sitting there on your lap. Also note: the googly eyes, mid-transition.


WHAT! Someone dares to rip off Castellari! Ye gods! Isn't there a law against that?! But I guess you can make anything cooler by sticking it in the desert...


No! Not Golan-Globus getting ripped off, too! But we can all take a deep breath, because this is the work of post-Cannon Golan. Whew.


I guess this is a lot like THE RUNNING MAN, except with leather daddies and the font from your alarm clock.


"Scott- get a little closer to Jamie Lee. No, a little closer. Closer. Close enough so her hair's in your ear. Hold it right there. Don't move. Now look really serious. Really stern. Come on, the stakes are really high. Perfect." ...and Bette Davis.


"So here's the concept: THE NIGHT PORTER." –"THE NIGHT PORTER plus what?" "Um. THE NIGHT PORTER plus bitches?" –"How about just one bitch." "Sold."


A lot of people know this one already, but again, let me remind you- we live in a world where it exists.


I've actually got a review of this one in the works. How can you go wrong with Rutger Hauer, Powers Boothe, Donald Pleasence, and Kathleen Turner in a movie about endangered birds?



Slow down, slow down...too many words! You had me at Holbrook.



SEE HOME APPLIANCES SLICE AND DICE!!!! ....PEOPLE!!! And apparently "three knives" now constitute a "home appliance."


I would like to point out that this pre-dates FRIDAY THE 13TH.


Another Joe D'Amato trashterpiece. I keep thinking that there's a hidden anagram in the title or something. And why have one ball with spikes on a chain when you can have three?



What do you say? What can you say? Well... I hope they paid you up front, Dennehy. Cause it'd be pretty recockulous if the producers snookered you by sayin' that "the check is..." well, yeah.


What, was Terence Hill unavailable? And if he was, why did they even cast Bud Spencer? It seems like the sort of thing tailor-made for DeLuise/Reynolds.



Paul Schrader directed it. Angelo Badalamenti did the music. Dennis Hopper stars. Supporting players include Eric Bogosian, Penelope Ann Miller, and Julian Sands, and we're coasting on the fact that one of five producers here (Gale Anne Hurd) has a tenuous connection to THE TERMINATOR and ALIENS? And I really think that "It's a new kind of evil as old as time" has got to be the worst tag-line this side of "KEN SAGOES, THE KID WHO SURVIVED 'NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3' IS BACK!"


Produced by, directed by, and starring Robert Forster. Co-starring his daughter, Kate Forster. If that's too much Forster for ya, there's a little Joe Spinell thrown into the mix just to spice it up. Did I mention that this movie didn't do so well?


I'd like to see this one- it's from the producer of THE TERMINATOR and ALIENS. 'Imagine WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? with witches and zombies instead of toons." Okay, I'm imagining it. In all seriousness though- Fred Ward, David Warner, Julianne Moore, and Clancy Brown?! And did I mention that Fred Ward plays "Detective H.P. Lovecraft?" And why is a pentagram being hurled at his nads by what appears to be a boglin? Perhaps the most important question here is- WHERE DO I SIGN UP?



And on that note, I'll say- expect to see a few of these getting the full treatment on the site in the next few months...

-Sean Gill

Film Review: THE DELTA FORCE (1986, Menahem Golan)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 129 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Lee Marvin, Chuck Norris, Martin Balsam (DEATH WISH 3, PSYCHO), Susan Strasberg (THE MANITOU), Shelly Winters, George Kennedy, Robert Forster, Bo Svenson (INGLORIOUS BASTARDS, HEARTBREAK RIDGE), Kim Delaney (BODY PARTS, HUNTER'S BLOOD), Hanna Schygulla (THE MARRIAGE OF MARIA BRAUN), Joey Bishop (OCEAN'S ELEVEN, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS). Music by Alan Silvestri.
Tag-line: "They don't negotiate with terrorists... they blow them away!"
Best one-liner: "Sleep tight, sucker!"

As Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat so eloquently pontificated, 'opposites attract.' Here, we got Lee Marvin:

Anti-war. Voted for McGovern. Has a Purple Heart. Frequently drunk on set.

Then, Chuck Norris:

Further to the right than the Unabomber. Can spin-kick people in the mouth using techniques from 8 different disciplines. Openly secessionist.

Well, together, they're THE DELTA FORCE.


Well, them and about 40 other dudes, but none of them really matter, except for Steve James. They're coming together to put the hurt on some airliner-hijacking, eyeliner-wearing terrorists led by Robert "this is your new Captain speaking" Forster.

Forster (right) is a force of nature.

The whole thing is accompanied by music that can only be described as über-patriotic Bananarama, and is overseen by those Israeli gods of 80's genre filmmaking, Golan and Globus.

Clearly, they thought this was gonna be their AIRPORT, and it's filled to the brim with old Hollywood and international stars: priestly hardass George Kennedy (who, sadly, punches no one):

gruff pilot Bo Svenson, Holocaust survivor Martin Balsam and disaster movie staple Shelley Winters:

Fassbinder fave Hanna Schygulla:

How the hell did they get Hanna Schygulla in a Cannon Film?!

and Pentagon suit Robert Vaughn. The initial hijack is pretty brutal (women punched in the face, Jews rounded up, etc.),

and even the classic Cannon incompetence can't entirely diminish the horrific impact.
There's a lot of set-up, too- this movie runs over 2 hours at a time when the average Cannon actioner was 89 minutes. But when we get to the long-awaited asskicking, it's entirely worth it.

To protect America's honor, WATCH Lee shoot terrorists in their sleep! SEE Chuck shake his head in disappointment before blowing away extremist hordes! VIEW Chuck crumpling a Presidential decree, just because he can! GAZE upon the oddly homoerotic spectacle of Chuck shooting rockets of death from the rear end of his motorcycle!


FOOOOSH

(Chuck also reveals that he bought a belt for a buddy as a gift.)

It all ends with the delivery of some cold beers- "Hey, guys, Budweisers! There's more where that came from!" Amen.

Where'd they get those beers? Also see: NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA.

Four stars.

Side note: Pay attention to the 'official' dates and times listed for each location- you may just find some Golan/Globus whackiness (like a sunny day at 2 AM).

-Sean Gill

Film Review: PSYCHO (1998, Gus van Sant)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 105 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Ann Heche, Bill Macy, Vince Vaughn, James Remar (RENT-A-COP, THE WARRIORS), James LeGros (PHANTASM II, ACE HITS THE BIG TIME), Viggo Mortensen, Julianne Moore, Philip Baker Hall, Rita Wilson, Robert Forster (ALLIGATOR, VIGILANTE). Music by Bernard Herrmann and adapted by Danny Elfman. Cinematography by Christopher Doyle.
Tag-line: "Check in. Unpack. Relax. Take a shower."
Best one-liner: "She might have fooled me, but she didn't fool my mother."

Perhaps Gus van Sant wanted to prove that 'movie magic' doesn't necessarily reside on the duplicatable surface. Well, Gus: point taken. Like the clone of a human being would not possess the same memories (or soul), a nearly shot-for-shot remake (with the same script and Herrmann score) of PSYCHO is going to strike your average cineaste as ill-advised. [Gus does add a few flourishes (i.e., Mom Bates lets down her hair, murders are crosscut with subliminal flashes of gals in lingerie, rolling clouds, and cows (!).]

Or maybe it's a goat? It's only on screen for like 1/20 of a second.

But by no means is this "bad" bad. It's packed with talented actors, all trying their best: Bill H. Macy as Arbogast, Viggo Mortensen as the hayseedily sincere Sam Loomis, James Remar as the stern state trooper,

James LeGros as the car salesman, Philip Baker Hall as the sheriff, and Robert Forster as 'the guy who gets to explain everything at the end.'

Forster spells it all out.

Ann Heche (as Marion) is no Janet Leigh, and her haircut is pretty questionable, but she holds her own.

 

In the middle of all this is Vince Vaughn (a few years before he began exclusively playing himself) as NORMAN BATES. Wearing sort of queer-coded bowling attire and engaging in some dubious line readings, Vaughn is in wayyy over his head, and he knows it.

Consequently, the level of fear he exudes in each scene varies depending on how talented his costars are (note his heightened jumpiness around Bill and Viggo).

He does nail that final stare, though, so it's not a total loss.

Anyway, I guess Gus couldn't decide whether or not to have this thing take place in 1960 or 1998. Well, to be more accurate he did decide––the opening titles say "1998," but he neglected to tell his cast, all of whom seem to have costumed themselves. Julianne Moore, for example, rolls in with headphones, a backpack, and a hoody––pure 90's.

Mere seconds later, Bill Macy scoots in wearing a zany royal blue suit straight from the 50's. I guess Gus also neglected to tell Bill Macy that he wasn't playing Sky Masterson.

Viggo attempts to mentally reconcile the collision of 50's and 90's happening before his very eyes.

 
Macy is the best. And he really milks that stairwell tumble for all it's worth.



Nice! Three stars.

Film Review: ALLIGATOR (1980, Lewis Teague)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Written by John Sayles. Directed by Lewis Teague (CUJO, CAT'S EYE). Starring Robert Forster (Oscar nominee for JACKIE BROWN), Henry Silva (BULLETPROOF, THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE), Michael Gazzo (Pentangeli in THE GODFATHER PART II, Oscar nominee), Dean Jagger (Oscar winner for TWELVE O'CLOCK HIGH), Sydney Lassick (Charley Cheswick in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST).
Tag-line: "Beneath Those Manholes, A Man-Eater Is Waiting ..." And check out that sweet ass 80's poster art. They sure don't make 'em like that anymore. See also: CHOPPING MALL, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, etc.
Best one-liner: "Alligators?.... in the sewers?"

You have to be impressed when a filmmaker/novelist like John Sayles (RETURN OF THE SECAUCUS SEVEN, LONE STAR) writes a balls-out, fully committed movie about a giant alligator in the sewers. But it's almost natural for the socially-minded Sayles, because nothing quite brings out the worst in people like a giant alligator. There's puppy-killing medical researchers, know-it-all scientists, frenzied yellow journalists, exploitative memorabilia vendors, and an opportunistic hunter (played by a delightfully psychotic Henry Silva who mimics gator mating calls and hires a band of 'native' homies to serve as auxiliaries on his urban safari).

Henry Silva: playing that same old lunatic that we love so much. To quote him in ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX, "I SAID NO SUGAR IN MY COFFEE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NO SUGAR, IT MAKES ME CRAZY!!!"

All of these forces (and the eponymous mutant monster) are basically pitted against good cop and male pattern baldness sufferer (in one of Sayles' recurring jokes) Robert Forster (VIGILANTE, REFLECTIONS IN A GOLDEN EYE) who grounds the film with humor, pathos, and believability.

There are some incredibly memorable scenes: the monster gator crashing through the (cardboard?) sidewalk to get at a mop-topped kid wearing an 'I'm a Pepper' t-shirt, an army of cops playing trash can lid percussion in an attempt to flush out the beast, and the creature crashing a blue-blood wedding reception: eating maids, crushing the well-to-do, and slinging dudes into cakes with its tail.

Now a lot of people like to trash the special effects, but I happen to think they're pretty damned solid, and frequently ingenious. If you're one of those people who'd rather see a shitty CGI alligator, though, get the hell out, now. (You probably don't even deserve to live, much less watch this movie.)

There are assholes out there who would rather see THIS:


than THIS:

Plus, you can't go wrong with a repeated close-up shot of a real-life gator blinking it's creepy fucking reptilian eyelid. A housewife drinks Schlitz, Forster has a cute little dog named 'Snaps,' there's a shit-ton of gator POV, you'll recognize a slew of familiar faces from 70's genre cinema, and it all ends on a freeze frame. Basically, anyone who's remotely interested in a movie called ALLIGATOR is not going to be disappointed. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

2009 Halloween Countdown

31. PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
30. PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
29. HOUSE OF WAX (1953, André de Toth)
28. SILENT RAGE (1982, Michael Miller)
27. BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
26. THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983, Douglas McKeown)
25. PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)
24. ANGEL HEART (1987, Alan Parker)
23. KILLER WORKOUT (1986, David A. Prior)
22. FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991, Rachel Talalay)
21. THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES (1971, Robert Fuest)
20. FRANKENHOOKER (1990, Frank Henenlotter)
19. HELLRAISER (1987, Clive Barker)
18. GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983, Nick Zedd)
17. ALLIGATOR (1980, Lewis Teague)
16.
...