Only now does it occur to me... V: THE SERIES, "THE SANCTION" (1x5) (1984)

Only now does it occur to me... that I've finally discovered the "real" Cobra Kai. Allow me to explain.

If you're new to the "V" series, you could start by reading my initial post on the subject which, though it is eventually hijacked by a happening known as "the Nut Slide of Doom," lays out the basic reasons why you should watch the first two miniseries and then stop before you get this far (to V: THE SERIES).

To recap: the V saga tells the story of the invasion of Earth by fascist aliens (who are actually rodent-snacking reptiles in disguise) who intend to rob our planet of its resources and enslave/eat our population. Some humans collaborate with them and become Vichy-style puppets and/or Hitler Youth. Others join the resistance, engaging in guerrilla warfare against the technologically superior Visitors. This story is skillfully told in V: THE ORIGINAL MINISERIES (1983). It is enjoyably continued as the actioner V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984). By the time we get to V: THE SERIES, its gutted budget and watered-down purpose have rendered it virtually unwatchable. (Meanwhile, the hair has gotten bigger and the costumes have become more ridiculous, so the "so-bad-it's-good" aficionados can still have a little fun.)

Jane Badler is the best: DYNASTY meets XANADU, man

 

The plot of this episode follows "Sean," son of Marc Singer's "Mike Donovan" (the BEASTMASTER himself, and the perpetrator of the aforementioned Nut Slide of Doom), as he continues his indoctrination as a member of the Visitors' youth program. Sean is now played by Nicky Katt (DAZED AND CONFUSED, THE LIMEY, THE BURBS), a longtime character actor and terrific smartass, who is at this point still a literal child.

Presumably because THE KARATE KID had come out that summer, this episode features the Visitors attempting to re-educate their human wards at a karate dojo.

 

 They introduce a new character to do so: "Klaus" (Thomas Callaway), who is equal parts "Jaws" from James Bond, random leather daddy, and "Kreese" from THE KARATE KID.

He is a sadist with a detachable hand which unveils a chain/whip extension. It's a whole thing. Anyway, he runs this evil dojo,

which is, for all intents and purposes, "Cobra Kai" with more space Nazis.

Now, the visual pun here is that the Visitors––who, remember, are reptiles in human disguises––are pretty close to cobras themselves, therefore, making this a technically more "authentic" Cobra Kai than the one featured in THE KARATE KID!

Anyway, this plotline comes to a close when Nicky Katt punches out (eventual KARATE KID alumnus) Michael Ironside and throws in his lot with the Visitors for good.

 

This does provide us with the excellent––if extremely improbable––visual of Ironside getting his ass kicked by a stone-cold child. (Who strikes first, strikes hard, and shows no mercy.)

I guess they did teach him some effective moves down at the fascist snake-man dojo. Uh, Kreese would be proud?

Only now does it occur to me... V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984)

Only now does it occur to me... well, before I get ahead of myself, I'd be remiss if I didn't say a few words about the "V" franchise. An anti-fascist alien invasion adventure inspired by Sinclair Lewis' IT CAN'T HAPPEN HERE and John Steinbeck's THE MOON IS DOWN, Kenneth Johnson's V: THE ORIGINAL MINISERIES (1983) is a close-to-perfect three hours of television. It's potent enough to have been an inspiration to great artists (John Carpenter's THEY LIVE), popcorn flicks (INDEPENDENCE DAY), 

 

and dangerous fools (David Icke's whackadoo reptilian theories) alike. I'd say without reservation that it's one of the best sci-fi properties of the 1980s, which is obviously saying a lot. It's got everything from Robert Englund playing a lovable, post-MORK AND MINDY "gentle dullard" alien 

 

to Jane Badler playing the manipulative alien Nazi version of "DYNASTY meets XANADU." 

 

It's a rare breed of miniseries, and one which forced an important question upon the Reagan-era mainstream (which has since been "answered," for all of us, in one way or another): whose side will you choose when the Nazis come?

Then, there was a sequel––V: THE FINAL BATTLE. Made largely without Kenneth Johnson's participation, there's way more action, way less diversity, and fewer instances of social commentary, but it's still fairly solid TV, and you can really see its influence on subsequent sci-fi actioners, from ALIENS to TOTAL RECALL. Part of this is because the inimitable Michael Ironside joins the cast as the ex-CIA mercenary "Ham Tyler." 

 

His one-liners feel somewhat out of place on the heels of such heavy dramatic material, but that ain't Ironside's fault.

 

It was on this project that Michael Ironside met his real-life best friend (and best man at his wedding), the musician/actor Mickey Jones.

Anyway, I guess you could say this is all a prelude to one of the greatest/weirdest happenings in television history, a bit of fight choreography I can only describe as the "Nut Slide of Doom." It's the best stunt JCVD never did. Basically, a resistance leader––played by Marc Singer (THE BEASTMASTER himself)––decides to take out one of the alien Visitors by sliding off the hood of a spaceship and knocking the alien in the face with his crotch. That this tawdry moment happens in part 2 of a project which began with such lofty political, social, and historical aims does not invalidate the fact that it objectively rules. 

See for yourself:

 

And I'm not alone here. 

 

 

When V (again, without Kenneth Johnson) was turned into a weekly TV series, they chose this exact moment––and scored by somber synth music, no less!––to cap the opening credits sequence. They even freeze frame it. Don't believe me? Just watch.

 

Anyway. I just wanted to make sure that all of you were aware of this. And I'll be returning to V: THE SERIES quite soon for even more harebrained observations. (For the record, V: THE SERIES is terrible, and if you decide to enjoy the saga, do yourself a favor and quit at the end of V: THE FINAL BATTLE.)

Only now does it occur to me... DREAM A LITTLE DREAM (1989)

Only now does it occur to me...  that DREAM A LITTLE DREAM is a weapons-grade '80s oddity, a repository of batshit craziness, and one of the strangest, most uneven films to emerge from the decade.

The average viewer couldn't be faulted for assuming that DREAM A LITTLE DREAM is just another post-FREAKY FRIDAY body-switch flick along the lines of VICE VERSA, 18 AGAIN!, BIG, or LIKE FATHER LIKE SON, with the major differentiation being that this one happens to star "The Two Coreys."

But they would be wrong. For starters, while the body switchers (Corey Feldman and Jason Robards) would seem to fit the criteria for an '80s body-switch flick

Jason Robards is too old for this shit

(old man has to go to high school! young man has to deal with dentures!), it's not even a proper switch: while Robards is transported into Feldman's body during a dream-meditation/bicycle wreck (don't ask), Robards' and his wife's bodies simply disappear as Robards enters Feldman's body, and Feldman enters Robards' dream-world.

The dream world looks like the regular world, except with a blue filter, and the only people there are Feldman and Robards. Feldman prefers the dream-world to his precarious teenage existence (even though there seems to be nothing to do in the dream-world) and tasks Robards with fixing his real-world life (get the girl, score well on the SATs) or else he won't let Robards exit Feldman's body and rematerialize in the real-world as his elderly self, alongside his wife. Freddy Krueger references aside... are you bored yet?

And I suppose that is DREAM A LITTLE DREAM's biggest surprise: that it's pretentious! I swear, this film feels like it wants to be ALTERED STATES or AWAKENINGS or SOLARIS and then it gets T-boned by LICENSE TO DRIVE or BETTER OFF DEAD. You definitely get the sense that the filmmakers were going for a deep metaphysical dive, and then were saddled with a "Two Coreys" picture. Its uneven nature even extends to its soundtrack, which is best described as THE BIG CHILL meets TOP GUN. We have Jon Bon Jovi rip-offs playing over elderly folks eating dinner and then '50s oldies playing over aerobicise sequences. Timbuk 3 ("The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades") featured alongside Frank Sinatra ("Young at Heart"). Wilson Pickett ("The Midnight Hour") flows into R.E.M. ("It's the End of the World as We Know It") and none of it feels motivated. Though I'll let the Timbuk 3 slide. What am I, a monster?

Oh, and did I mention that Harry Dean Stanton and Piper Laurie are in this thing?

It's like the world's worst David Lynch movie

They're playing Jason Robards' best friend and wife, respectively, and Harry Dean's appearance here prompted Roger Ebert to disavow his famous "Stanton-Walsh Rule," which posited that "no movie featuring either Harry Dean Stanton or M. Emmet Walsh in a supporting role can be altogether bad." Well, at least Piper Laurie gets a weird little Lynchian moment where she does a sassy solo dance with a tea service.


Coulda been a Golden Girl

Speaking of sassy dancing, Corey Feldman (while hosting Jason Robards' character's mind) does a Michael Jackson solo set to a hideous '80s cover of "Dream a Little Dream."

To say that this is deeply uncomfortable, and for a myriad of reasons, would be an understatement.

A poster for THE LOST BOYS gets a cameo, 

 

and the two Coreys are allegedly on so much coke and heroin that their dynamic actually feels like a teenage BIG LEBOWSKI or CUTTER'S WAY, with a relaxed-yet-overwhelmed Feldman standing in for Jeff Bridges' character(s) and a manic Haim stumbling around with a cane and an 'Nam bomber jacket as the Goodman/Heard-style sidekick, ready to erupt at any moment, a 5'5'' ball of pure id.

Rounding it out, we have the naturalistic Meredith Salenger (VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED '95, THE JOURNEY OF NATTY GANN) managing (along with Stanton and Laurie) to be one of the few actors here who doesn't embarrass herself. That she still spends a good 45% of her screentime doing jazzer- and aerobicise may or may not factor into this assessment.

Salenger plays the girl of Feldman's dreams, who happens to be already dating William McNamera (SURVIVING THE GAME, Argento's OPERA)

so obviously it's up to old man Robards in a teenage body to break them up and save the day or whatever. The final ignominy is the fact that they make Jason Robards do the 'ol soft-shoe and lip-sync over the end credits

as a duet with Corey Feldman, who is continuing to do his poor-man's Michael Jackson routine, which essentially makes it feel like an outtake from MOONWALKER. Whew.

In closing, I have to make a point about FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS, the 1987 novelty album by "The Elm Street Group," which features Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) performing covers of several classic songs and a few originals, including an instrumental (!). On this album, he performs "The Midnight Hour" (featured in this film) and, on the back cover, affects a Michael Jacksonian pose.

Given the Krueger reference, I have to believe that DREAM A LITTLE DREAM's makers were perhaps really jibin' with the glory of FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS (the film was released in 1989) and you cannot tell me otherwise. That is all.

My analysis of "Freddy Vs. Jason: The Novelization" in Barrelhouse

Longtime readers of this site know that I am no stranger to in-depth reviews of dubious movie tie-ins and absurd horror novelizations. Today, I am proud to present my heavily-footnoted critique of the seminal work FREDDY VS. JASON: THE NOVELIZATION OF THE SCREENPLAY in an essay I call "The Free Thinker and the Automaton: Polarity and Duality in Stephen Hand's Freddy Vs. Jason: The Novelization of the Screenplay by Damian Shannon and Mark J. Swift." It's appearing online in Barrelhouse Magazine (a publication I have long admired for its commitment to high-brow aesthetics and pop culture detritus) as a part of their "Barrelhouse of Horrors" series, and I recommend checking out the other entries as well.

R.I.P., Wes Craven

I'm sorry to report on the passing of Wes Craven, a gentleman and a scholar, one of the all-time great masters of horror who made his indelible mark on the genre with A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, NEW NIGHTMARE, SCREAM, LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, and THE HILLS HAVE EYES. He had such range in his deeper cuts, too, with offbeat masterpieces like THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS, DEADLY FRIEND, and THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW.  In Freddy Krueger, he invented one of horror's enduring icons, and while Wes didn't approve of every ridiculous iteration of the character, I love Freddy in all of his terror and his hilarity, a Grand Guignol superstar for our times.  [I mean, as of this moment, I have a plastic Freddy glove, a Freddy goblet, and a sticker that says "Freddy for President" all within sight of my computer.  That speaks less to Freddy's album and one-liners than it does to Wes' capacity to effortlessly conjure our primal fears and visceral anxieties in a way that is ultimately exhilarating.]

About five years ago at IFC, it was my honor to briefly chat with him about the rumors of bizarro goings-on behind-the-scenes of THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW.  His eyes lit up, and he told me about the cast and crew having shared nightmares of cows with television static for eyes, crew members fleeing the set, strange wall seepage in hotel rooms, and others seeking mystical protection with local Houngans.  His demeanor was warm, fatherly, professorial.  You can get a great sense of the man from a New York Times piece he wrote two years ago on fear of retirement.

There are plenty of Wes' films I should have written about by now but haven't, but you can read more here on SCREAM 2, SCREAM 3, DEADLY BLESSING, VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN, SWAMP THING, and even Wes' fun cameos in films like BODY BAGS and DIARY OF THE DEAD.

Film Review: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984, Wes Craven)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: John Saxon (TENEBRE, ENTER THE DRAGON), Ronee Blakley (NASHVILLE, THE DRIVER), Heather Langenkamp (GROWING PAINS, SHOCKER, NEW NIGHTMARE), Johnny Depp (CRY-BABY, DEAD MAN), Charles Fleischer (DEADLY FRIEND, ZODIAC), Robert Englund (ST. IVES, EATEN ALIVE, DEAD & BURIED), Amanda Wyss (BETTER OFF DEAD, POWWOW HIGHWAY), Jsu Garcia (GOTCHA!, WE WERE SOLDIERS). Cinematography by Jacques Haitkin (THE HIDDEN, CHERRY 2000). Head makeup effects by David B. Miller (THE BEASTMASTER, COCOON, WILD AT HEART). Music by Charles Bernstein (MR. MAJESTYK, DEADLY FRIEND).
Tag-line: "If Nancy Doesn't Wake Up Screaming She Won't Wake Up At All..."
Best one-liner: "Okay Krueger, we play in your court!"

There was a time when Freddy wasn't plastered on squirt guns, board games, nite lights, novelty albums, squish-'ems, pinball machines, and yo-yos.
There was a time when Freddy was scary as shit.

He wasn't a one-liner dropping contrivance- he was a terrifying burn victim and possible-pedophile who had the confounding power to haunt kids' dreams from beyond the grave. He wasn't all powerful, not by a long shot: in a toe-to-toe wrestling match between him and a high school girl (which actually happens several times in this film), the girl has a pretty good chance of kicking Freddy's raggedy ass. The existentially frustrating thing here is that Freddy cheats.

Even as the hall monitor.

He gets you when you're at your most vulnerable, your least aware- in the sweet ark of slumber. And more often than not, Craven shows Freddy's attacks from the outside- the sleeping victim thrashing about, slashed and beaten- we can only imagine what's happening in their world, and that's truly frightening. The cast is solid- Heather Langenkamp is our heroine (and a far cry from the CW douches on summer hiatus who star in today's horror), John Saxon (a Bava/Argento alum) is the no-nonsense cop dad, Ronee Blakley is the habitually loaded alky mom (watch for her hidden booze stashes), Johnny Depp is the boyfriend (even at this young age making some impressively bizarre acting choices), and, of course, Robert Englund is Krueger- a sheer force of malicious exuberance.

The visuals are startlingly potent- Freddy's arms extending to an impossible length:

a bed swallowing a victim and spewing a sanguinary geyser, a spectral form emerging from a rubbery wall:

a Cronenbergian face-lickin' phone:

or a girl chased up the steps as the carpet transforms into bemiring white goop. All of this is pre-CGI, and, in fact, is frequently visualized by extremely primitive means- its effectiveness remains a credit to the conceptual hotbed of primal fears and visceral anxieties that (ex-Humanities professor) Craven dips into. This is focused, forceful storytelling at its best. Five stars.

-Sean Gill

Music Review: FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS––PART 2

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 34 minutes.
Best line: "WATCH IT NOW, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! HERE HE COME, HERE HE COME! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GOT IT!! WATCH IT NOW!!"

I hope everyone's ready to dive headlong into Part 2 of Freddy's magnum opus. Part 1 is HERE if you missed it.

Look at 'im. Look at Freddy. That shit-eating grin. He knows he's created an indelible work of art. No modesty here. And on the back- is he aping Michael Jackson or Fred Astaire?

I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, we've got four songs to go:

6. Obsession

This one's a little funky, got a little twang to it. It's got a backbeat reminiscent of the start-up screen of some terrible NES game. But it's also got a crestfallen grace to it. "Ob-sess-sion..." whispers a reverb-heavy female voice. "Nowhere to run..." retorts Freddy.

"Something evil came to me/I don't just howwww or why-yiy.../You're the thing I just can't face/the dark secret I can't hiiiide/ You've come in my dreams/ Nothing is what it seeeeeeems/And as I walk along the streets/ I hear other footsteps fall [drum machine break to approximate footsteps]/
Sometimes I swear I feel your breath down by my neck/ Innn the hallll/ I look, nothing's there/ But I feel you I swearrrrrr/ These obsessions that you have with me/ Is growing every day/ These obsessions that you have with me/ I just can't get away/ Nowhere to runnnn /
[Freddy] NOWHERE TO RUN"

This song is kind of long-winded. I guess it's about Freddy, cause it's on the Freddy album. In a way it seems a thematic rip of Laura Branigan's "Self Control," but it definitely conjures imagery of a perfume commercial...hmmmm. I see that Calvin Klein unveiled 'Obsession' for women in 1985 and men in 1986, so it was certainly in the public consciousness. Maybe Freddy always wanted to be in a B&W artsy Calvin Klein commercial and thought this song might be a vehicle for such a cross-over. If only...

"Every time I turn around/ You're right behind me everyplace/ [snazzy drum break designed to keep you from forming the thought that 'everyplace' was used awkwardly]/Ridin' in my car/ I'm lookin' in the mirror I see your face/ I'm getting SCAAAAAARED/ What you want isn't FAIR"

Whoa-whoa- what? Is Freddy blackmailing her? I'm slightly confused by their relationship.

There's some Freddy cackles, a wicked guitar solo with a little whammy action, and we're back––

"Sometimes in the night I see you in the streetlight standing there/ If you can't have me no one will; you just laugh at meee instead/ [Freddy chuckles]/ I lock my door/ I can't escape any moooooooore/

Well, I guess it sounds more like a stalker situation, but the subtext seems to be that Freddy is her ex...?

This obsession that you have with me/ Is growing everyyyyy-day/ This obsession that you have with me/ I just can't get awayyyy/Nowhere to runnnnnn....

Then this chorus is repeated until the song fades out- and it feels like one of the longest fades ever–– probably a fifty second fade. But that's just the way Freddy (rocks n') rolls.

7. Wooly Bully

Speaking of serious Rock n' Roll, this might be the most energetic ditty on the album. It's a cover of Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs 1965 smash, "Wooly Bully." Now a lot of people seem to think ill of its inclusion, but it really does make sense. Freddy wears a lot of sweaters. Sweaters are made of wool. Freddy is wooly.

Freddy is also a child murderer. Child murderers are definitely something a touch more heinous than just 'bullies,' but then again, not every child murderer gets their own novelty album or a pinball machine made in their own likeness.


Click on the photo for a larger view.

I digress. But I think we can all agree that Freddy is, in fact, a wooly bully of sorts, but w––

"UNO, DOS, ONE, TWO, TRES, CUATRO! WATCH IT NOW, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! HERE HE COME, HERE HE COME! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GOT IT!! WATCH IT NOW!!"
  
Holy shit- I just shot Coke II outta my nose, and all over my brand new Lisa Frank trapper keeper. I have to say I was ill-prepared for A. Freddy shouting so loudly, and B. Freddy shouting so loudly with a Spanish accent.

There are some solid session musicians on this track. The sax player from "In the Midnight Hour" is back, and he's rockin' so hard that he prompts Freddy to scream "WATCH IT NOW!" about eleven thousand times. If you crank up it up, too, you'll hear the moaning souls of Freddy's victims in the background––I kid you not.
 
8. Down in the Boiler Room

Now this selection is extraordinarily groovy with a rather infectious bass line. The word leaping to the tip of my tongue is 'pizzazz.' Reminds of a little track called "Flamethrower" by the J. Geils Band (off their seminal album, FREEZE FRAME).

Freddy sets the tone by ominously growling "Down in the boiler room.... heheheheheheheheh." Faux-Stacey Q joins in:

"You know it's scary/ You know it's dark/You oughta know- be afraid to go- listen to your heaaarrt/ Afraid to stop/ and afraid to go/ He's waiting for youuuu/ Downnnn in the boiler room..."

"Your mamma told you/ Monsters were pretend/ No one will hold you-out all alone/ can this be the enddddd?/ Don't try to stop––but do you dare to start?/ He's waiting for youuuu/Downnnnn in the boiler room....in the boiler room...."

This one's a tad bland compared to some of the others. Freddy is pretty bushed by this point and he's not gonna blow his artistic load on the next-to-last song on the album. Boiler rooms, dreams, Freddy, being scared- these are familiar themes for Mr. Krueger, and he can phone this one in like the best of 'em. And that funky bass line goes a long way to making this listenable.

Freddy: "In the boiler room, I'll be waiting soon! You know it's scary.... you know it's dark..."[fade out]

9. Elm Street Dreams

How do you end this album, Freddy? A big show-stopper like those hotshot producers wanted you to? No. No way. Is the status quo something over which Freddy feels even a scrap of indebtedness to? Hell, no. Well, how 'bout somethin' from the heart? How 'bout a little somethin' called "Elm Street Dreams?"

The intro is evocative. Vibes. Drum machine. Synthesized bells. That weird electronic keyboard that sounds like kittens mewing. It's dark...it's reassuring. Almost hopeful. But sad, too. This is Freddy pouring his heart out- letting you know what it's like to be him. He doesn't have to tell you how he feels––he lets you feel how he feels.

By now, you're over a minute in and you're probably wondering where the vocals are. Guess what––there aren't any. Let's meditate on that for a moment: the Freddy Krueger novelty album has a song on it with no vocals. Freddy clearly wanted an instrumental that could showcase his soulful bass playing, and the centerpiece here is a wondrous solo that really runs the gamut of emotion––fear, loss, nostalgia, regret...

And it begins: you can see Freddy playing the bass––eyes closed, shuddering and swaying to his own exquisite reverberations. He's got some serious chops, too. He's been practicing this one for a while. After about a minute of pure, musical bliss, Freddy needs a breather. He grabs a glass of water. Let's the mewing keyboardist and dude playing the bells take over. Somebody shoots him the thumbs up and he returns it. He has to replace a string or two, on account of the razor glove, and just then the rest of the band builds to a beautiful crescendo... Oh shit- get to the mic, Freddy! Leave us with a final benediction! The drummer winds the song down with a schweet break and Freddy breathlessly runs to the mic. Once he's at the mic, though, he's the consummate showman. He's supercool.

"Be seeing you....in your dreamsshss....haaaaaa haaach!"



And it's a wrap. That's how it's done. Be seeing you around too, Fred.


-Sean Gill

Music Review: FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS (1987, The Elm Street Group): PART 1

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 34 minutes.
Best line: "AHHHHHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA"

Well, folks, I decided to switch things up a little for this installment, and it's been a while since I did a bona fide music review. Chances are, you've already heard of this- hell, you might have even heard it- but I feel as if you didn't truly appreciate it, didn't 'get it.' If you did, you'd be listening to it right now instead of reading this. So, for those who are familiar- let's take a pensive journey in musical appreciation. For the newcomers, others have discussed it at X-Entertainment, The Manchester Morgue, and Way Out Junk, and it's easily found for download and is listenable on YouTube, so prepare yourself for the best album Stacey Q never made.

Now, for starters, we all realize that Freddy underwent a kind of downward (or upward, depending on your vantage point) spiral, from diminutive, terrifying, burn victim child murderer to laughy, jokey, one-liner machine. We've all seen the the yo-yos, the trading cards, the board games, etc., etc., and I suppose it was only a matter of time before a pop album emerged, but interestingly enough, the release date of this album falls between installments 3 and 4––long before Freddy became a parody of a parody of a parody. Also of note is that Stacey Q's breakthrough album BETTER THAN HEAVEN (featuring such hits as "Two of Hearts and "Insecurity," sung in character as the psychiatrist Dr. Q)

was released in the latter half of 1986, and she didn't release her next until HARD MACHINE in 1988. What was she doing in 1987, exactly? It's highly unlikely, I'll admit, but wouldn't it be amazing if FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS didn't merely feature a Stacey Q rip-off artist, but actual, clandestine, contract-breaking vocals by an incognito Ms. Q herself? Ah, I digress. Let's look at the blow by blow:

Track 1: "Do the Freddy"

A reimagining of "Do the Freddie" by the English mod group, Freddie and the Dreamers. (Yeah, I just saw you smugly arch your eyebrow and purse your lips when you saw that the original band name featured the word 'dreamers.') It is not, in fact, a remake of "Let's do the Freddie" by Chubby Checker, which was an attempt to profit from Freddie and the Dreamers' faddish success, unlike this, which is an attempt to artistically reimagine an existing work for a different age.

In case you didn't know what you were getting into, right off the bat we have Robert Englund scream: "I'M FREDDY- AND THIS IS FOR YOU!!! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!" which is immediately followed by some reverb-heavy 80's drums. Hang on tight, everyone- we're only four seconds into the album.

Then we got faux-Stacey Q and her back-up singers telling us to

"Pick your feet up/ swing your arms up, too/Move your head both ways/ Like you see him do/ Well, jump three feet to the swinging beat/ of the Freddy"

I can't quite say that I remember Freddy moving in that exact manner in the films. I guess I remember him jumping a lot, through mirrors and glass and such, but I can't recall if it was precisely three feet, or if it was even done to the swinging beat of the Freddy. Guess I'll have to watch all the movies again. But, for the time being, I'm willing to give faux-Stacey Q the benefit of the doubt. By the way, she's not in full-on Q mode in this first track. Probably she thought her contract enforcers would never listen past the first track of the Freddy Album. She really starts to crank up the Q-ish sex kitten by around Track 6. More on that later.

Anyway, Englund starts to mix up the AHAHAHAHAHAHAs (that occasionally interrupt the song) which straight out AHHHHHHHHHHHHs. Freddy is just straight-up howling (in pain?). We're only on Track 1, and it somehow sounds as if he is either having a large splinter extracted from his eye, or he's about to bust a nut– now, each represents a terrifying prospect, and I'm not sure we're yet in a mindset to properly consider them. With a few final extraneous howls, the song fades out and into...

2. Dance... or Else!

Freddy lays out the rules right away in this song. In fact, there's only one rule, and that rule is simple: DANCE...or else!!

"This here's the kind of party you don't need to show I.D./If you're a guest of Freddy's you can come right in for free/ the atmosphere is charged with party electricity/ there's just one rule applies/ but it's one you better keeeeeeeeep!"

And he's not kidding––"Dance or else" is the only rule at Club Freddy. There's nobody checking I.D., no drink minimum, no waitlist, hell, there's not even a rule against pissing on the toilet seats or leaving lewd graffiti behind on the bathroom walls, so long as you keep dancing as you do it.

Freddy's laugh in this song is more of a guffaw than a cackle or a howl, as was the case in Track 1. He's in control, and he knows it. And there's no reason for him to be perturbed––from his all-seeing, omniscient vantage point he can watch the dancers down below, adhering to Freddy's Rule––yep, they're dancing all right.

"You gotta daaaaaaaaaaaance––DANCE OR ELSE! /Remember marathons? you had to dance until you drop/ on Freddy's special dance floor the excitement never stops/ I'll give you one suggestion, it's a secret you can keep/ If you want to stay alive, you'll think twice before you sleeeeeep"

Now, this song goes on for four minutes and twenty-nine seconds, which may strike you as a tad excessive, but we haven's even gotten to the nearly six minute "Don't Sleep" or the instrumental track, "Elm Street Dreams." Well, I got some news for ya––Freddy is calling the shots, and he's not listening to some stuffy hit machine producer who usually cranks out two and three minute-long puff pieces.

Then Freddy recites a poem in the third person:

"Running steps work best at night/Remember Freddy's always right/Scared? Or do you think you've got the cure?/ Check out Freddy's manicure!"

I like the way he rhymes 'cure' with 'manicure.' Only you can get away with that kind of shit, Freddy. Then one of the gals re-recites the poem. She can't quite pull off the double-rhyme, but before it truly sinks in, there's a rockin' guitar solo. Then the song kinda drags itself out for another 2 minutes. I think Freddy is fully aware of this, so he inserts a lot of reverb, echo-effects, and repetition, leaving you with an even hazier recollection of events. Did that song really go on for nearly five minutes? Nahhh.
Annnd fade out. Whew. Okay, you can stop dancing...for now.

3. In the Midnight Hour

Next up, we have another Freddy cover, this time of Wilson Pickett's 1965 hit "In the Midnight Hour." Freddy joins the pantheon of great musical artists to cover this song, along with The Doors, Van Morrison, The Grateful Dead, Johnny Thunders, Roxy Music, and Echo & the Bunnymen. Freddy's version, not surprisingly, is the best of these, even outdoing the original.

This one's pretty much a straight-up cover, down to the growlin' sax and the Hammond organ interludes, with a few startling interjections by Freddy.

"JUST YOU AND ME!!! JUST YOU AND I!!! HEYYY!! BRING IT DOWN NOWWW!"

Freddy's gettin' pretty worked up, and the studio back-up singers are really getting into it. I can only imagine in the recording studio the high-fives that occurred just after they wrapped. "Really soulful, ladies, nice work!"

4. Don't Sleep

Just when you thought you couldn't possibly have any more fun, Freddy switches things up on you with a mournful ballad he likes to call "Don't Sleep." Reminiscent of Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight," and in all the best ways, faux-Stacey Q really ratchets up the emotion on this track. I, for one, was almost in tears. I'm serious, she really lays it all out there.

It begins with an ominous warning from Freddy–

"Don't sleep....don't dream..."

a warning which is repeated by some new, ethereal, male back-up singers. Then Stacey:

"Oooooh, you know he's comin' out, tonight/ Yeah-eh-eh-yuhhh/ He's comin' after you- ton-night/there's no escape/so hear what I say-eh-eh-eyyyyyy/ ....If you wanna stay aliiiiiiiiiive– Don't Sleep"

And on that last "Don't sleep," Freddy joins in, harmoniously, on the word "sleep" to emphasize the seriousness of the situation and give it a little more weight, more Freddy/Stacey pathos. This could have been one of the great all-time duets, had there been a video. Kinda like that one with Paula Abdul and the cartoon cat. I like that one a lot. Anyway, we get that soulful, echoey guitar solo at the one-minute mark, just to let you know that this song is going to go on for a long time: there will be multiple solo breaks.

"Ooooh, you wanted somethin' new, tonight/ Ohhhh-oh-oh-ohhh/ What are you tryin' to do, tonight?/ If this is some game/ I just don't wanna play/ If you wanna stay alive...DON'T SLEEEEEEEEEP"

Wait a second, Stacey, is this song still about Freddy? Is there some stuff happening in your life that you would like to talk about? I'm getting worried over here. This isn't just some game to me, either. I care. Then, Boom- another soulful, echoey guitar solo. Get used to those.

"Oooooh/ You know he's comin' out toniiiiight/ Oh, no-oh-ohhh/ He's comin' after you, toniiiiiight/ You try to escape/ But he will have his wayyyyy/ And if you wanna stay alive, don't sleeeeeeep"The rest of the song is sort of free-form guitar solo/spoken word. Freddy interrupts the reverie with a fiendish chortle, and we're on our way to:

5. All I Have to Do Is Dream

"I see you...in your dreams!!!" Cue slappy bass riff. We are back on the road to morbid exuberance with this one. Man, that last track did a number on me, so give me a second. Whewww. Alright.

Now this is another cover- this one of "All I Have to Do is Dream," made famous by The Everly Brothers back in 1958. Freddy likes himself some Oldies, I can tell you that. I don't really remember synths, reverb-heavy drums, and slap bass in the original recording, but it's been a while since I heard it.

Freddy's got delicious comebacks in this one.

Girls: "All I have to do is dre-eee-eee-am. Dream, dream, dream..."

Freddy: "AWWWWWWW, DID YOU MISS FREDDY??? Just remember, all you have to do is DREAM– HAAAAAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

There's some awesome spoken-word interaction, too–

Girls: "Gee whiz"Freddy: "AWWWWW!"

Freddy is all smartass, all the time in this one, even mocking the way the singers enunciate, near the end. Damn! It's good to have you back Freddy.

All that woeful melancholy in Track 4 kinda had me down in the dumps.

Now, this concludes part one of FREDDY'S GREATEST HITS, but tomorrow I'll delve into some of the most memorable songs on the album. Here's what we have to go:

6. Obsession
7. Wooly Bully
8. Down in the Boiler Room
9. Elm Street Dreams


-Sean Gill

Edit: Continued HERE.