Film Review: THE BURNING (1981, Tony Maylam)

Stars: 3.3 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brian Matthews (THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS), Leah Ayres (BLOODSPORT, THE PLAYER), Brian Backer (FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, THE MONEY PIT), Jason Alexander (SEINFELD, JACOB'S LADDER), Fisher Stevens (SHORT CIRCUIT, MY SCIENCE PROJECT), Lou David (THE LAST DRAGON, THE EXTERMINATOR), Larry Joshua (UNFORGIVEN, SEA OF LOVE), Holly Hunter (CRASH '96, RAISING ARIZONA, THE PIANO). Special makeup effects by Tom Savini (DAWN OF THE DEAD, FRIDAY THE 13TH). Music by Rick Wakeman (LISZTOMANIA, CRIMES OF PASSION). Edited by Jack Sholder (director of ALONE IN THE DARK, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE). Co-written by Harvey and Bob Weinstein (it's the first "Miramax" movie) along with director Tony Maylam (SPLIT SECOND, WHITE ROCK), Brad Grey (who later co-produced JUST SHOOT ME and THE SOPRANOS), and Peter Lawrence (THUNDERCATS, HIGH SCORE).
Tag-line: "Today is not Friday the 13th. But if you see this movie alone... you'll never be the same again!"
Best one-liner: "Man, this guy is so burned, he's cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone! You know what I mean?"

While summer weather isn't quite yet upon us, I'm going to use the excuse of high, nearly unbearable levels of humidity to leap headlong into "Summer Slasher Season." Today's specimen, THE BURNING, is by no means an upper-tier slasher (like MY BLOODY VALENTINE or SLEEPAWAY CAMP), but it's still a damned enjoyable film, and one which offers early performances from up-and-coming stars (Jason Alexander, Fisher Stevens, & Holly Hunter), over-the-top gore effects by genre master Tom Savini, and, co-produced and co-written by the burgeoning, wheeling-dealing Weinstein brothers, merits the perhaps dubious honor of being the 4th film ever released by the Miramax Films company.

While the Weinsteins later claimed that their film had been in development longer than FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980), THE BURNING is, at best, a cash-in on that earlier film's success (though by no means whatsoever is FRIDAY THE 13TH a paragon of originality). I mean, look at the tag-line for godssakes. Regardless, Tom Savini signed up to sculpt the gore for THE BURNING instead of FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 because he thought that the concept of reviving Jason for sequels was senselessly misguided. (That didn't stop him from returning to collect a paycheck and dispatch Crispin Glover in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4, however!)

The plot is about as stock as they come. "It all started with a prank gone wrong!" I suppose you could say that about PROM NIGHT, LEVIATHAN, GHOULIES III, APRIL FOOL'S DAY, etc., etc., but I digress. Anyway, some campers seek revenge on the sadistic groundskeeper, Cropsy.

He accidentally gets set on fire, spills a tub of gasoline that he keeps by his bedside, and dives into the lake in a spectacular display of asbestos-suitery.

We soon learn that Cropsy has survived as the world's most sensitive hospital orderly tells us "Man, this guy is so burned, he's cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone! You know what I mean? No way I'd want to be like this freak!" After several years of therapy, Cropsy leaves the burn unit and immediately murders a random hooker, Argento-style. We're talking black gloves, black trench coat, extreme close-ups, and the backwards smash through a plate glass window. The works.


Why he murders this random prostitute remains unclear for the remainder of the film, since the indignities he suffered were at the hands of pranking summer campers, not big city hookers. In fact, the revenge angle isn't even really worked as he seemingly murders campers at random. In retrospect, we are told that pre-burn-victim Cropsy was "really mean."


(We are shown no evidence of this, other than the fact that Cropsy had a few bottles of booze in his shack when he was assailed by pranksters.) In any event, the prostitute murder was probably inserted so that A., Savini could play around in the style of Argento (something William Lustig had him doing quite well in MANIAC), and B., so that there'd be some "early in the game" bloodshed. If we take away the hooker killing and split the film in half, we're faced with the following statistic– part 1 possesses 0 murders and 5 fake-outs, and part 2 possesses 8 murders and 0 fake-outs. Clearly, the hooker-murder is necessary. I apologize, Random Hooker (K.C. Townsend), you were simply collateral damage from that eternal tug-o-war between "slasher film murders" and "slasher film fake-outs." It could have easily turned out the other way, with the killer startled and thwarted by, say, a random alley cat leaping on the windowsill or a young street urchin saying "Heya, mister, did you drop this knife?" Ah, well.

Anyway, we soon find ourselves at a nearby summer camp, soon meeting the motley crew of summer camp regulars.

Like– The Bully!


That's Larry Joshua there as the bully, and he really pulls out the stops for this one. His tormentee is Tony-winner and FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH player Brian Backer.

There's the likable frat boy-type played by Jason Alexander (with hair!), who's entertaining and engaging even within the constraints of a slasher film role.

On the left is Ned Eisenberg, who plays the smooth-talkin' New York guido-type. Then there's Leah Ayres as our female protagonist,

you may remember her as JCVD's hag– I mean, love-interest in one of the finest movies ever made, BLOODSPORT. KUM-ITE, KUM-ITE, KUM-ITE! Er, what was I saying?

Oh yeah– there's young Fisher Stevens, too! (third from left)

He's hasn't quite hit the ("Sayonara, dicknose!") heights he would achieve as he matured, but he's damn great here as a scrappy l'il prankster, fond of shooting people in the ass with pellets and then, as if to pour salt in the wound by displaying a non-pellet-afflicted ass, mooning them.

Holly Hunter's in there, too, but she's mostly in the background. She has a couple of lines, but the DVD was skipping, so you don't get a screenshot.

Rick Wakeman, formerly of Yes, composes a generally atmospheric synth soundtrack which is occasionally bland, occasionally prefigures the "DUNHD-DUNHD...DUNHD-DUNHD" rumblings from Carpenter's THE THING, and occasionally bursts forth with blasts of intricate, quasi-Classical brilliance. As a fan of Wakeman's solo work (I highly recommend the albums NO EARTHLY CONNECTION and THE SIX WIVES OF HENRY THE VIII for the interested), I would have to say that for the most part he's phoning it in here. Still, it has it's moments.

Savini's gore picks up where FRIDAY THE 13TH left off, more often than not dedicating itself to neck trauma. From a practical standpoint, it's extremely impressive, using optical illusions and well-constructed dummy parts to masterfully deceive the eye. Take that, CGI!


The film also features editing from Jack Sholder (his only editing credit) who also directed 80's horror trashterpieces NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE and ALONE IN THE DARK.

Anyway, I don't really have much more to say. I can't say that it's a film that inspires or a film that sparks the imagination, but I will say that it's a film that kills about 91 minutes and five cans of Schlitz, and I'm pretty sure that's the purpose it was designed for.

Oh, and here's a picture of Cropsy wielding a flamethrower:


A little over three stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: CREEPSHOW 2 (1987, Michael Gornick)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 92 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by Michael Gornick (cinematographer on CREEPSHOW, KNIGHTRIDERS, DAWN OF THE DEAD). Starring George Kennedy (DELTA FORCE, COOL HAND LUKE), Dorothy Lamour (a shitload of Bob Hope movies), Holt McCallany (FIGHT CLUB, THREE KINGS), David Holbrook (Hal's son, VAMPIRE'S KISS, DEADLY ILLUSION), Don Harvey (DIE HARD 2, THE THIN RED LINE), Daniel Beer (POINT BREAK, LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN), Page Hannah (SHAG, GREMLINS 2), Lois Chiles (MOONRAKER, BROADCAST NEWS). Written by Stephen King and George A. Romero. Soundtrack by Les Reed (former member of the John Barry Seven, writer of "It's Not Unusual") with contributions made by Rick Wakeman. Special Makeup Effects by Tom Savini (who also plays the Creep), Greg Nicotero (MULHOLLAND DR., PLANET TERROR), and Howard Berger (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, KILL BILL).
Tag-line: "Good to the last gasp!"
Best one-liner: "This hair's gonna get me paid 'n laid"

"CREEPSHOW 2, huh?"
–"What, you don't think it's gonna be good?"
"Well, I mean..."
–"What?"
"I heard some things about CREEPSHOW III."
–"You shut yer fucken face! There'll be no more talk about CREEPSHOW III. Not while I'm around. Allow me to make an analogy. We'll use Italians, because I like Italians. If CREEPSHOW is the Dario Argento of CREEPSHOWS, then CREEPSHOW 2 is the Lamberto Bava of CREEPSHOWS, and CREEPSHOW III is like the 'CGI-luvin', mentally disabled brother of Bruno Mattei' of CREEPSHOWS."
"Then what's the Lucio Fulci of CREEPSHOWS?"
–"TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE."
"Fair enough- let's give CREEPSHOW 2 a whirl."
–"Let's. But I must warn you, it's a step down in quality. The budget's lower (it's a New World Picture), there's three stories instead of five, the animation's not as good, Romero handed off the directorial reins to his buddy Michael Gornick, and we got Holbrook's son instead of Holbrook. No Tom Atkins or Ed Harris freakdancing, either."
"Awww."
–"It's alright, though, you'll still have fun. But right off the bat here, look at this:


Yeah, that disfigured senior citizen there is the new Creep. Tom Savini's under that makeup, but I still gotta say I prefer a floating, shrouded skeleton to a mutant handyman. The kid seems a little overproduced and a little under-sincere, too."
"Well, at least the Creep has got his own vanity plate."

–"That's certainly true. But look at the kid in animation- he looks like a poorly-sketched evil elf! I didn't sign up for THE TIN DRUM: THE ANIMATED MOVIE, I signed up for CREEPSHOW 2!

Anyways, the frame story is moderately amusing, involving bullies and flesh-eating plants,



Is that eyeshadow?

but the animation is so damned cheap and bright and cheery, it doesn't really contribute to the spooky atmosphere like in the first one. It's even the same animator (Rick Catizone) as CREEPSHOW 1, so you have to imagine that budget and shortened schedule must have been the culprits."
"What about the main stories, though?"
–"Shaddup, I'm not done. The music's shitty, too. Gone are the graceful strains of John Harrison, and they've been replaced by some free-form synthesized tinkling by Les Reed. Some Rick Wakeman bizarro-electro-melodies show up in the segment 'The Raft,' but on the whole, the music's damn disappointing. There's even some wakka-wakka SHAFT-style music that rears it's completely inappropriate head during 'The Hitchchiker' section."
"Whaaaaaaat?!"
–"Yeah, right? Anyway- let's hit up 'Old Chief Wood'nhead."

"Is that wooden Native American statue going to come to life?"
–"Just shuttttt it! So George Kennedy is singing 'Jimmy Crack Corn' and trying to maintain his dignity. Dorothy Lamour plays the missus. They're a sweet old couple trying to make ends meet at their general store in a dying town."
"You mean like a dying town? Like there's gonna be some DYING?"
–"Just let me finish.

Times are tough, but everything's relatively fine and dandy, until three ridiculous punks, who possibly escaped from the set of DEATH WISH 3, come to crash the party. We got Don Harvey as Andy, 'the rich boy punk who's slummin' it.'

He's fun to watch, and he got a lot of bit-character work in the years to come. Here he strikes me as kind of a young proto-Peter Weller combined with a proto-Kevin Bacon. Then there's David Holbrook (Hal's son) as Fatso, 'the fat thug.'

Remember when it was the 1980's and all you had to do was show a fat person, and it was automatically funny? You didn't even have to make a joke. The filmmakers were like, 'hey, here's a fat person!' And then the audience said, 'Aww-hawhawhawhawhawwww!' I kid, but there's somethin' to that. Also, his hat says 'Bullshit' on it. Finally, we got Holy McCallany as 'Sam Whitemoon.' I guess he's supposed to be Native American, and he's got the ludicrous wig to prove it.

He's the most sadistic of the bunch. You can tell because he says stuff like 'Guess you don't hear good, shitface!!!' He's got a ridiculous plan to skip town with the proceeds of the robbery and live a free and easy life based on his terrific hair. 'This hair's gonna get me paid and laid,' he eagerly announces."
"What happens?"
–"Well, let's just say that Dorothy Lamour and George Kennedy don't fare so well, but thanks to some ersatz Native American mysticism, they, uh, might get avenged."


"So you're saying the wooden Native American statue comes to life?!"
–"Just watch the damn movie. Next, we got 'The Raft,' which is probably the best segment. Some one-dimensional partytime teens (who are supposed to be students from Horlicks University from 'The Crate') are out and about in the great outdoors."

"What is this, a Jason movie?"
–"No- it's way better. This segment's nearly genius in its simplicity: the kids go for a dip in an isolated mountain lake and find themselves trapped on a raft, far from the shore. Their adversary? A blob-like clump of God-knows-what.


The mise-en-scéne is great: you can almost feel the cold, shimmery water; smell the clean forest air and the pine needles. It's not just the isolation and the stillness, the fact that the setting is so serene and appealing perfectly accentuates the horror- something that I think the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies never quiiiite understood. The gore is ridiculous and the suspense is genuine. Who'd have thunk it– a first-rate tale of terror where the monster is quite obviously a tarp! The ending also features the greatest use of the line 'I...beat...you!' in memory."
"Sounds like this movie's really cookin'!"
–"I'll say. But then the final segment, 'The Hitchhiker,' is a real buzzkill, and my least favorite of the three. A rich lady has a tryst with a gigolo and must hurry home so that her husband doesn't realize she was out. Along the way, she steamrolls a hitchhiker, then flees the scene. Only the hitchhiker ain't done with her yet..."

"The Hitchhiker. The Hitchhiker? Haven't I heard you talk about this before?"
–"Not that Hitchhiker, ya goofus. Regardless, the segment features some over-the-top, DEATH PROOF-style stunts,

some mind-blowing gore,

and a cameo by Stephen King as a bumpkin trucker (!),

but the pacing really drags. And while CREEPSHOW endings are often predictable, they're usually given that extra push of insanity to really put them over the edge (see: 'They're Creeping Up On You' from CREEPSHOW 1). 'The Hitchhiker' certainly has the gore goin' on, but it takes so long to get there, it kind of fizzles out. Ahhh, well."
"What about the frame story? What about the Creep and his awesome, vanity-plated truck? Do we see them again?"
–"Well, it's funny you should mention it, because we sure do. Savini's Creep is driven off into the distance, waving at the camera and flinging CREEPSHOW comic books into the road. Then the credits roll. He just keeps on flinging them as he is slowly, slowly driven into the distance.



Who is driving that truck? Does the Creep have a sidekick? What's the use of littering the highway with CREEPSHOW comics? So that random hitchhikers have reading material? If so, why is he flinging them so haphazardly? He's gonna use up his entire supply on like a quarter-mile stretch of road. Is this an in-joke? In the last movie, Savini played a garbageman. In this one, he plays a litterer. Who knows."
"Sounds like CREEPSHOW 2 leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions."
–"That it does. But it's gross, it's fun, and it goes well with pizza and beer. What the hell else do you want?"
"Nothing else."
–"That's right. Here's to you, CREEPSHOW 2. Three stars."

-Sean Gill