Only now does it occur to me... MY CRASY LIFE

Only now does it occur to me...  that French arthouse director and Jean-Luc Godard crony Jean-Pierre Gorin's 1992 documentary on Samoan street gangs in Long Beach features the voice of accomplished character actor and quintessential 80s dad Richard Masur!

You'll naturally recognize Masur

from such films as STEPHEN KING'S IT, THE THING, LICENSE TO DRIVE, MY GIRL, MY GIRL 2, MR. BOOGEDY, HEAVEN'S GATE, BRIDE OF BOOGEDY, RENT-A-COP, RISKY BUSINESS, NIGHTMARES, THE BELIEVERS, MY SCIENCE PROJECT, and MULTIPLICITY, but he doesn't show his face here.  In the MY CRASY LIFE, he voices a snarky, fictionalized police dashboard computer which serves as a quasi-artsy and not-entirely-successful narrative device that acts as a sort of comic foil to the the gritty vérité.

Pretty bizarre, but there it is.  (And obviously any shortcomings in the computer as a narrative device ought not to be blamed on Masur, who does a fine job.)

Strangely, this credit does not appear on IMDb, but I'm here to confirm it for all you Masur die-hards out there.  Now let's go watch some BOOGEDY!

Only now does it occur to me... HEAVEN'S GATE (1980)

Only now does it occur to me... that I'm not sure if a movie has ever been packed with as many beloved character actors as HEAVEN'S GATE, and I'll even include THE LONGEST DAY, COP LAND, THE EXPENDABLES, THE PLAYER, and MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS in consideration.

There's so much to say about HEAVEN'S GATE.  Probably too much.  From its tumultuous production that basically destroyed United Artists to its hideous reception to its latter-day critical re-evaluation to the Johnson County War on which it is based– one could fill a volume.  (And people have.)  In the end, I'd say it's an ambitious film which flirts with genius, is bogged down by poor pacing, but consistently holds the viewer spellbound with gorgeous Western imagery (courtesy of master cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond) even when the narrative begins to dawdle. 

So set aside nearly four hours and give it a try– I'd say it's worth the time for the curious, the Western fan, the cinematography aficionado, or the character actor die-hard.  But more on that in a minute.  Then, see FINAL CUT: THE MAKING AND UNMAKING OF HEAVEN'S GATE (available in eight parts on YouTube here), and go ahead and read this interview with Cimino himself for a little taste of the outlandish (and possibly insane) creature who lurks beneath the surface of this genuinely talented and occasionally virtuosic director.

But for now, fasten your seatbelts, and prepare for a whirlwind tour of character actors, the sheer magnitude of whom may even give you whiplash: 

Coming up on the left here is Eastwood crony Geoffrey Lewis (10 TO MIDNIGHT, MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL, DOUBLE IMPACT, BRONCO BILLY, 'SALEM'S LOT, MAVERICK) looking like the live action mountain man version of "Pigpen" from peanuts.

Attached to Geoffrey Lewis is a hand.  And in that hand is a tongue.  And that tongue is attached to...

...Mickey Rourke?  

 

Lookin' pretty young there, Mickey!  Good show.

Down the road a spell is Terry O'Quinn (THE STEPFATHER, BLIND FURY, THE X-FILES, SILVER BULLET, THE ROCKETEER, "John Locke" on LOST)

He's got his hair still, and is playing a baseball-luvin' member of the U.S. Calvary.  In a strange tie-in with his character on LOST, he's got an injured leg and is carrying an important and mysterious "list" of names.

Continuing on with our journey, here's Richard Masur (IT, THE THING, LICENSE TO DRIVE, MR. BOOGEDY, RENT-A-COP, RISKY BUSINESS, MY GIRL)

chomping on a corn cob pipe, giving his all to his colorful brogue, and looking about as intense as he's ever looked (no small feat for a man generally typecast as "suburban dad").

Over on the right here, to the left of that presumably 19th Century malt liquor is edgy queen of French cinema Isabelle Huppert (THE PIANO TEACHER, AMOUR, I HEART HUCKABEE, COUP DE TORCHON, LA CEREMONIE, Hal Hartley's AMATEUR).

Up here behind the beard is Brad Dourif (CHILD'S PLAY, WISE BLOOD, ALIEN: RESURRECTION, DEADWOOD, THE TWO TOWERS, DUNE, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, THE EXORCIST III, BLUE VELVET, GRIM PRAIRIE TALES)

and sure he doesn't have much to do, but it's a modern-day Western, so we had to have Brad Dourif in some kind of old-timey spectacles.  I think it should be written into the SAG paperwork.

Around the bend in the proto-pimp costume is Bronson heavy Paul Koslo (THE OMEGA MAN, VANISHING POINT, THE STONE KILLER, MR. MAJESTYK, CLEOPATRA JONES, FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, LOVE AND BULLETS).

Then, over in that train with the fur hat and the lip carpet is Sam Waterston (THE KILLING FIELDS, THE GREAT GATSBY, SERIAL MOM, LAW AND ORDER, CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS, CAPRICORN ONE)

who finally gets to play a bad guy, and to great effect!

Over to the side there, you can see a Kris Kristofferson (PAT GARRETT AND BILLY THE KID, BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA, CONVOY, FLASHPOINT, BIG-TOP PEE-WEE, BLADE, and star of CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT, the only feature Arnold Schwarzenegger ever directed) in his natural habitat.

And wait– who's that in the shadows behind him?  Why, it's the film debut of Willem Dafoe (THE LOVELESS, WILD AT HEART, ANTICHRIST, SPIDERMAN, TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A., THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST, EXISTENZ, BODY OF EVIDENCE, BOONDOCK SAINTS, THE ENGLISH PATIENT).  He's just an extra, but, hot damn!

Down the path a spell is none other than Jeff Bridges (TRON, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, CUTTER'S WAY, THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, KING KONG '76, STARMAN, THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTFOOT).

He's got a great intensity here in a supporting role– and supposedly when production wrapped, one of the many "cabin" sets were up for grabs, so Bridges swooped in, disassembled it, and reconstructed it on his ranch property!

Over in this glen is Christopher Walken (THE DEER HUNTER, ANNIE HALL, KING OF NEW YORK, THE DEAD ZONE, A VIEW TO A KILL, MCBAIN, BATMAN RETURNS, WAYNE'S WORLD 2, NEW ROSE HOTEL, KANGAROO JACK)

and I'll yes indeed shut my big mouth, shitpoke!  Another fine Walken badass role.

And then right here, if he'll put down the flask long enough for you to get a clear look– is none other than John Hurt (THE ELEPHANT MAN, I CLAUDIUS, ALIEN, THE HIT, 1984, THE STORYTELLER, KING RALPH, DOGVILLE, MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, DEAD MAN, HELLBOY, TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY '11)!

He delivers an eccentric performance, dripping with pathos.  Like every other John Hurt performance!  The man is never anything less than superlative.

Then, upon examining the end credits, I realized that one of my favorites, Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, HEAT, THE MONSTER SQUAD, THE LAST ACTION HERO, ROBOCOP 2, THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, DAMAGES), was in the film as "Jake," and I didn't notice him!  To be fair, he may have been standing around the back with a beard and hat on, and I'm sure I would have seen him if I'd been looking in advance, but allow me to repeat this sentiment:  there were so many character actors that I missed Tom Noonan.

Whew!  I'm impressed.  I hope you've enjoyed this breakneck tour of character actors.  And perhaps in closing, it begs to be asked:  where the hell was Harry Dean Stanton?

GIANT OSCAR MESS: Best Wackified Solo Dance

In my continuing coverage of GIANT OSCAR MESS (best described HERE), I present to you the nominees for BEST WACKIFIED SOLO DANCE IN A MOTION PICTURE. And the winner was... ....Mark Patton in A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2, for special achievement in multi-tasking between doing a wackified solo dance and completing his housework. (to be continued...)

Film Review: THE THING (1982, John Carpenter)

Stars: 6+ of 5.
Running Time: 109 minutes.
Tag-line: "Man is The Warmest Place to Hide."
Notable Cast or Crew: Kurt Russell. Wilford Brimley (EWOKS: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR, THE FIRM, BORDERLINE), Keith David (THEY LIVE, MEN AT WORK, MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD), Donald Moffat (CLEAR & PRESENT DANGER, TALES OF THE CITY, ALAMO BAY), Richard Masur (MY SCIENCE PROJECT, RENT-A-COP, LICENSE TO DRIVE, STEPHEN KING'S IT), Richard Dysart (PALE RIDER, THE HOSPITAL), Charles Hallahan (FATAL BEAUTY, BODY OF EVIDENCE, VISION QUEST), Peter Maloney (MANHUNTER, JFK), Joel Polis (FATAL VISION, CHEERS), David Clennon (STAR 80, THE FABULOUS STAINS), T.K. Carter (RUNAWAY TRAIN, DOCTOR DETROIT, JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS), Thomas G. Waites (THE WARRIORS, MCBAIN). Music by Ennio Morricone. Special effects by Rob Bottin (ROBOCOP, TOTAL RECALL), dog creature by Stan Winston. Cinematography by Dean Cundey (WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, JURASSIC PARK, BACK TO THE FUTURE, ROAD HOUSE, D.C. CAB)- Sven Nykvist, eat your heart out. Screenplay by Bill Lancaster, son of Burt.
Best one-liner: "I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!"

Well, apparently, this is the 500th post here at Junta Juleil. Since we've been discussing effective horror remakes versus the muttonheaded ones this week, I wouldn't want to use it to discuss anything besides... THE THING.

Now, if you're one of those unfortunate souls who has never seen THE THING (I'm continually surprised by how many people, even self-proclaimed cinephiles, haven't seen it), stop reading immediately. And don't resume doing whatever you were doing before you started reading this- put on some shoes. Leave your work/school/home behind. Tell them you're going to lunch, or have a medical emergency. Head to the nearest liquor store. You're going to need some J&B. It's not the best scotch on the planet, in fact, it's not even really a scotch (it's a blend), but Kurt Russell seems to like it just fine, so just shut it.

Now you'll need to procure a copy of THE THING. It shouldn't be that hard. It should be easier than getting copies of THE LETTER PEOPLE or HEAVENLY BODIES or BLACK ICE, starring Michael Ironside and Michael Nouri. Also, it's not essential, but if you could get one of these hats before you watch it:

that'd be great, too. Now, watch THE THING, and report back to me immediately. But just in case you're the sort of pantywaist who won't abide by my instructions, I'm not going to give away any major plot developments in this review. Onto the THE THING:

A breakthrough film for John Carpenter. The son finally tops the father––Carpy breaks through and outdoes the Howard Hawks original with this inimitable paranoid masterpiece. It's horror/sci-fi/thriller perfection. It's so evocative you can taste the stinging J&B tempered by Mac's frosty breath, sense the icy dread of the desolate, labyrinthine corridors, 'hear' the resonance of the overpowering silences, and feel the foreboding throb of the Morricone score.

The less the uninitiated knows, the better. This is the 'Red Scare' paranoia film taken through a post-modern meat grinder. Rob Bottin's special effects are so pre-CGI brilliant that it becomes a completely visceral experience.



We are there. Every manifestation of the The Thing is tangible, tactile, viscous, gloppy––it's really there. That tightening in your stomach? That flutter in your heart? That's movie magic. It's real men doing real things, assailed by real monsters (well, almost). There is no disconnect, no cartoonish nonsense, no frills. These are desperate men fighting for survival.

Donald Moffat is an old-school cold warrior wholly unprepared for Lovecraftian foes.

Also, pretty tired of this fucking couch.

Richard Masur is the bewhiskered head of the kennel who toes that fine line between dog-lover and terrifying lumberjack (a major contrast from the 'Dad'-type roles he was confined to, later in the 80's).

RICHARD MASUR IS GOING TO TOUCH YOU THERE

Keith David is the gritty, unwavering, ice-cold survivor, Childs. Keith David does 'pissed off' like nobody else. In fact, somewhere, as we speak, he's probably glowering at someone and doesn't know why.

He's one of those rare actors who can serve as the cornerstone for 'suspension of disbelief' in an action picture. I mean, if you don't, he'll will probably show up on your doorstep to twist you into a pretzel like Sarge always does to Beetle Bailey. (He'll do that to you if you call him David Keith by mistake, too.)

Wilford "AH KIL YEW" Brimley is Blair, who possesses a stout, astounding severity.

AH KIL YEW

The way he grimaces and groans while doing the autopsy-


or the way he stares at the computer readout which says the entire population of Earth could be infected in the next 27,000 hours, then nonchalantly reaches for his gun...


(A scene almost exactly duplicated in LEVIATHAN.)

I guess on my scores of previous viewings, I was too caught up in the gravity, the horror of the situation to realize- as I did in the presence of other audience members while seeing THE THING on the big screen––that Brimley is not only brilliant, he is absolutely hilarious. And you are not laughing at Wilford, ohh no. Nor are you laughing at the fact that his reactions to these given scenarios are so stoically over-the-top. You're laughing because- no matter how ridiculous he gets––you believe every second of it. These are merely the ways that the very real 'Dr. Blair' happens to react when faced with The Thing.

I'm all better now

Kurt Russell really comes into his own in this film. Even the era-defining Snake Plissken (a year prior) is a little too Eastwood-derivative (but can you blame him?- he was hanging out with Lee van Cleef!), but MacReady is all Russell. He can pull off that ridiculous Antarctic winter sombrero, which just might be the most awesome hat in the history of film. He can swig the J&B like no other (watch him make sure he doesn't spill a drop when the Norwegians barrel into camp).

He can fly a chopper through the eye of a needle, brandish a flamethrower with élan, and tell that electronic 8-bit chessmaster (the uncredited voice of Adrienne Barbeau) what's what.

He's a character written by Bill Lancaster, Burt's son- and if you squint a little and clench your jaw, you can almost see the sturdy, benevolent shadow of Burt looming over Mac, like a hardass guardian angel-

In short, he's just the kind of man you hope is on the front lines when the heavy stuff starts to go down.

Six stars. Maybe seven.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: MY SCIENCE PROJECT (1985, Jonathan R. Betuel)

Stars: 3.7 of 5.
Running Time: 94 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: John Stockwell, Fisher Stevens, Danielle von Zerneck, Dennis Hopper, Richard Masur, Barry Corbin.
Tag-line: "The funniest sci-fi movie of the summer."
Best one-liner: "Hey, sayonara, dicknose!" Said by Fisher Stevens.

MY SCIENCE PROJECT is exactly the kind of stock, 80's lightning-drenched, madcap time travel teen movie that you think it is. And that's just fine with me. Written and directed by Jonathan R. Betuel (whose credits include THEODORE REX and a few of FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES), I can see that you're incredulously arching your eyebrows in regard to the quality. So here're 4 reasons why it's worth your time:

#1. Dennis Hopper. This is probably one of Hopper's worst performances, but if you're a Hopper fan, you'll realize that there's not really too much of a difference between the best and worst. Here, he plays a hippie science teacher (at one point he wears his outfit from EASY RIDER) and he's having a goddamn blast.

The writing seems inspired perhaps by the packaging blurb for a $10 flower child costume, his dialogue’s basically just variations on "Have a nice day, man.” At one point he gets to feel the power of the universe itself surging through his fingertips. How do you suppose Hopper plays it? Do you think he goes the subtle and understated route? Well, watch the movie and find out.


#2. Richard Masur, against type. Often confined to 'Dad' and 'Milquetoast' roles (LICENSE TO DRIVE, MR. BOOGEDY, et al.), here he gets a chance to play a crusty hardass sheriff, and it's great.

You almost think you're watching William Forsythe.

#3. Fisher Stevens. He's gaunt, smarmy, and out of control.

He wears a dime-store feather headdress, makes exclamations like "Sit on this, butt plug!," and tells a female cop to "Chill out, butch, and get a shave!"


#4. David L. Snyder's (BLADE RUNNER, PEE-WEE) production design. We don't really get to see it until the final act, when the high school is transformed into a brutal, fog-enshrouded battleground where past, present, and future collide. Nazis, Cyberpunk mutants, gladiators, troglodytes, Viet Cong, and a T.Rex take on our automatic weapon-wielding high schoolers, and all manner of brainless spectacle ensueth.

Oscar winner Fisher Stevens takes on a T. Rex.



Just about four alien turbo-powered stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: RENT-A-COP (1987, Jerry London)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Burt Reynolds, Liza Minnelli, John P. Ryan (RUNAWAY TRAIN, CLASS OF 1999), James Remar (48 HRS., DEXTER, THE LONG RIDERS, THE COTTON CLUB), Bernie Casey (SHARKY'S MACHINE, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS), Richard Masur (MR. BOOGEDY, LICENSE TO DRIVE), Dionne Warwick. Music by Jerry Goldsmith. Written by Dennis Shryack (HERO AND THE TERROR).
Tag-line: "Deadlier than Dirty Harry, faster than Cobra..." Why do we have to bring COBRA into this?
Best one-liner: "Merry Christmas!"

RENT-A-COP is so by-the-numbers, it's as if an Apple II-E were programmed to construct an '80s cop movie. It's chock full of maverick cops, snarky hookers, butterfingered rookies, stick-up-the-ass supervisors, merciless killers, evil dudes in mansions, and the buddy who you think is a buddy until you realize he's working for the bad guy. The cast is bursting at the seams with familiar faces: John P. Ryan (Dad in IT'S ALIVE),

John P. Ryan calls Burt Reynolds a loose cannon.

Richard Masur (Dad in LICENSE TO DRIVE and MR. BOOGEDY), Bernie Casey (U.N. Jefferson in REVENGE OF THE NERDS), and a very special appearance by Dionne Warwick...as a pimp! The music by Jerry Goldsmith is laughably epic, sweeping, and full of orchestral emotion: but this ain't GONE WITH THE WIND.

Burt prepares to deliver the one-liner, "Merry Christmas."

At several points, actors (including Burt) look straight into the camera (by accident?). Burt plays Burt; wearing macabre sweaters and butchering his banter (probably cause Dom's not around to slap). It's like a watered down SHARKY'S MACHINE.

Liza plays Liza, and clearly directed and costumed herself.

I guarantee you that the words "fabulous" and "honey" did not appear this much in the original script. Same goes for all the Liza freestyle dancing. At one point she is expected to seriously deliver the line "I jumped on top of him and I DID WHAT I DO!"

"I DID WHAT I DO!"

James Remar (Ajax in THE WARRIORS, Harry Morgan on DEXTER) is kinda doing an 'evil Swayze' routine. We see his stone cold killer doin' his thing for half the movie, and then WHAM––out of nowhere he's doing a half-naked super-sweaty solo dance number! His character name is then revealed to be 'Dancer.' Even for an 80's movie, this is insane.

If you're a Remar fan, you may have to watch this video twelve thousand times.

Now for the kicker: Liza hunts for the killer in a dance club. A guy passes by and––SCHWINK––gooses her. Liza yells into her wire, "Jesus, I just got goosed by some guy dressed as Little Red Riding Hood?!" We cut to Burt on the other end of the line, smiling in secret satisfaction.

And there ya have it- incontrovertible evidence that Burt loves goosing. (See also: my review of STROKER ACE.) Three stars, I guess.