Film Review: REVENGE OF THE NINJA (1983, Sam Firstenberg)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 90 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Sho Kosugi (ENTER THE NINJA), Sho's son Kane Kosugi (9 DEATHS OF THE NINJA), Arthur Roberts (CHOPPING MALL, TRANSYLVANIA TWIST), Professor Toru Tanaka (PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, THE RUNNING MAN), director Sam Firstenberg (BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, AMERICAN NINJA), writer James R. Silke (KING SOLOMON'S MINES, THE BARBARIAN BROTHERS MOVIE).
Tag-line: "400 years of training in the art of sudden death... unleashed on 20th century America."
Best one-liner: "Only a ninja can stop a ninja."

My mind's been blown, my sternum's been broken in nine different places, and a bunch of spikes have been spat in my face- we are talkin' cream of the crop Cannon here. This is DEATH WISH 3 good. REVENGE OF THE NINJA promises, then delivers, incompetent ninja action. Is there any other kind of ninja action that you need? This movie is all about takin' a leak in some dingy bathroom, an eyeliner-wearin' ninja sneaks up behind you, you spin around and say "What the fuck is this, Halloween?," and then you get stabbed with like 8 different ninja implements. Before I proceed with "MYTH VS. FACT- REVENGE OF THE NINJA EDITION," allow me to share a few things I learned from this movie.

#1. A ninja can be very dangerous, even in doll form. Note the finger wound:


#2.


#3. This is the proper way to travel between buildings.


#4.


#5. All of these guys hang out together at the playground on a Saturday afternoon.

Is that Robert Duvall from APOCALYPSE NOW?

#6. This is how a ninja bleeds.


#7. If you're going to work out, you're going to need pants.


#8. Forgetting your pants to your workout is a fantastic way to let Sho Kosugi know that you're interested, romantically.


#9. "What the shit is this?" is the proper response to seeing a homeless man killed with a throwing star.


#10. Generic police forces who don't answer to any particular jurisdiction are the ones who investigate ninja related crimes.


Alright, now that we've all learned a few things, allow me to tackle a few common misconceptions:

MYTH: You can defeat a ninja with something besides another ninja.

FACT: No.

MYTH: Golan and Globus found a way to make a hot tub integral to the plot of this movie.
FACT: Golan and Globus found a way to make three SEPARATE hot tubs integral to the plot of this movie.

MYTH: Real ninja don't carry around fiberglass dummies of themselves.
FACT: It's an essential tool in the ninja arsenal, and it totally buys you like, 10 seconds.

MYTH: The ninja were all evil.

FACT: No.

MYTH: Gangs are generally divided amongst racial lines.

FACT: The henchmen and gangs here are extremely integrated. So the movie wouldn't be racist. We get, for example, a Native American named "Chief" who threatens to scalp people. I'm surprised the gang didn't have a wheelchair-using Pacific Islander.



MYTH: Depicting violence against children as cathartic is 'taboo.'



FACT: The kid is hot tonite! Kane Kosugi (Sho's son, 9) gets some vicious action sequences. Watch him kick the shit out of a gang of bullies. So satisfying. Watch him get slapped in the face, thrown, smacked with a pole, tied up, and punched. Watch another kid take a throwing star in the FACE. This movie is brutal.

MYTH: You can never have too much Professor Toru Tanaka.

FACT: A semi-nude Tanaka rape scene is too much Tanaka.

MYTH: The greatest thing to ever take place in a Cannon film involves breakdancing and/or Charles Bronson.

FACT: Add "Sho Kosugi slicing a dude's 'stache in half with a razor fan" to the short list.

Five (ninja) stars, and top-tier Golan-Globus. Nice work, gentlemen.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: DEAD HEAT (1988, Mark Goldblatt)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 86 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Treat Williams (HAIR, PRINCE OF THE CITY, MARATHON MAN), Joe Piscapo (SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SIDEKICKS), Vincent Price, Keye Luke (GREMLINS, the #1 son in the 30's CHARLIE CHAN movies), Darren McGavin (THE NIGHT STALKER, RAW DEAL, A CHRISTMAS STORY) , Lindsay Frost (COLLATERAL DAMAGE, Shannon's stepmom on TV's LOST, THE RING), Professor Toru Tanaka (THE RUNNING MAN, PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, DARKMAN), Shane Black (here, in a cameo, writer of LETHAL WEAPON, LAST ACTION HERO, KISS KISS BANG BANG).
Tag-lines: "These cops are on the biggest murder case of their lives... their own." or "You can't keep a good cop dead."
Best one-liner: "Lady, I'm fuckin' dead!"

You have to wonder about the siblings Terry and Shane Black. Shane's first screenplay to get produced was LETHAL WEAPON in 1987. Terry's was DEAD HEAT in 1988. They share a similar meta sensibility, a penchant for witty banter, and a love of the absurd. Only the thing is, LETHAL WEAPON made twice as much in its opening weekend than DEAD HEAT made in its entire run, and Terry just went on to write a few episodes of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, while Shane got a slew of A-pictures.

Shane, here in a cameo as a Patrolman.

But it doesn't matter, because DEAD HEAT is a fine achievement in and of itself. It's a lower budget LETHAL WEAPON infused with equal parts ROBOCOP and DAWN OF THE DEAD, and the result is a whacky ride that continually ups its psychotic stakes. Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo are our cops, Piscopo playing the unhinged Neanderthal jokester and Williams the sensitive straight man. Unlike, say, Mel Gibson in a similar role, Piscopo forgets to make the role likable.

He's SUCH a dick, though, that it still manages to work, even if unintentionally ("You are under arrest. You have the right to remain disgusting."). Williams, as always, is stellar, and as the film progresses, he undergoes a transformation into slick, punk, Bill Paxton in NEAR DARK-esque one-liner dropping tough guy.

Then we got several minor horror icons from Darren McGavin (THE NIGHT STALKER) to Keye Luke (GREMLINS), all culminating with an appearance by the legendary VINCENT PRICE.

Just when you think you know where the film's going, it throws completely maniacal twists at you...I don't want to give anything away, because half of this film's charm is its ability to induce spit-takes in the viewer as the madness exponentially increases. But still take note of the film's point of no return, which pits our cop buddies against a horde of viscous, undead Chinese food.


If you're at all a fan of Shane Black or the buddy cop genre, you really do owe it to yourself to check this one out. Five stars.

-Sean Gill