Only now does it occur to me... THE PRESIDIO (1988)

Only now does it occur to me...  that THE PRESIDIO is kind of a watered-down San Francisco buddy-cop/corrupt military investigation flick that is chiefly concerned with Meg Ryan/Mark Harmon fireside romance:

the hilarious daddy/daughter relationship between Meg Ryan and her red-blooded, football-and-Coors-loving American Army Colonel father, Sean Connery (!), who just happens to have a Scottish accent:
 
Daddy, you can't tell me not to date Mark Harmon

Yesh, I can...I've sheen SCHUMMER SCHOOL

and somehow portraying Mark Harmon as a Jean-Pierre Melville-style blasé badass.

Lookin' schnazzy in that High School letter jacket, bub

None of this is working in the least. The film's high-water mark is surely an all-too-brief sequence where a local meathead

decides to pick on Sean Connery at a seafood pub, which begins a (raw)bar-room brawl, ending with said meathead getting a faceful o' oysters!




Unused Connery one-liners: "I've got othah schellfish to fry!","Thish wohrld ish definitely not your oyschter, boy!"

After highlighting THE PRESIDIO's only praiseworthy moment, I must also point out its greatest crime: the complete and utter misuse of the brilliant character actress Jeanette "Vasquez from ALIENS" Goldstein,

who––though she is playing an MP and not a Space Marine––

certainly could have been given the opportunity for either character development or badassery, but in fact is given neither, 

shot dead a mere six minutes into the movie. I expected better from you, THE PRESIDIO. At least there's always THE ROCK when I need to scratch that "Sean Connery-in-San Francisco" itch.

Film Review: STAY TUNED (1992, Peter Hyams)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.

Running Time: 88 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  John Ritter (THREE'S COMPANY, STEPHEN KING'S IT), Pam Dawber (Mindy on MORK AND MINDY), Jeffrey Jones (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, BEETLEJUICE, AMADEUS), Eugene Levy (BEST IN SHOW, WAITING FOR GUFFMAN), Erik King (STREET SMART, DEXTER), Don Calfa (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S), David Tom (PLEASANTVILLE), Heather McComb (APT PUPIL, ALL THE REAL GIRLS), a special appearance by Captain Lou Albano (WWF CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING, WISE GUYS), and Salt-N-Pepa as themselves.  Written by Tom S. Parker and Jim Jennewein (MAJOR LEAGUE II, THE FLINTSTONES '94, RICHIE RICH, GETTING EVEN WITH DAD).  Animation sequence supervised by Chuck Jones (LOONEY TUNES, MERRIE MELODIES, WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT).  Directed and shot by Peter Hyams (TIMECOP, RUNNING SCARED, SUDDEN DEATH, 2010).

Tag-line:  "The Knables signed up for a cable system that's out of this world!"

Best one-liner:  "Kids, don't try this at home!"

Hoping to achieve the success of other broad sci-fi/comedy/fantasy crossover fare like HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS or SHORT CIRCUIT or WEIRD SCIENCE, STAY TUNED tells the tale of a demonic company ("Hell-o-Vision") who sucks consumers through their satellite dishes into a television purgatory

whereupon they bounce from show to twisted show, trying to stay alive amid a sea of lethal clichés.  If they fail, they're (apparently) sentenced to eternal damnation.

In a touch of inspired casting, our heroes are ex-sitcom stars (John Ritter of THREE'S COMPANY and Pam Dawber of MORK AND MINDY), and the major villain, "Spike," is played by Jeffrey Jones (Dean Rooney from FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF), who is exactly who should be playing the role of a pompous, channel-flipping demon.  The first choice for director was Tim Burton, but ultimately the job went to Peter Hyams, a director known for zany buddy cop flicks (RUNNING SCARED, BUSTING), Jupiter-related sci-fi (2010, OUTLAND), and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies (TIMECOP, SUDDEN DEATH).

STAY TUNED aims for caustic satire, but the end result is an uneven jumble of high-energy gags that are occasionally clever, but usually blockheaded.  (I don't know what I expected– it's from the mastermind writing team that brought us MAJOR LEAGUE II, THE FLINTSTONES '94, RICHIE RICH, and GETTING EVEN WITH DAD.)  I might even go as far as to say that it ends up feeling like a cross between MOONWALKER and VIDEODROME, only it's not nearly as amazing as that sounds (not even close).

It's still got a few good moments, though, so now I'm going to regale you with a list of:

12 THINGS I NEVER EXPECTED IN MY LIFE TO SEE, UNTIL SUDDENLY, WHILE WATCHING STAY TUNED, I SAW THEM:

#1.  Jeffrey Jones' disembodied head, cackling with glee, and launching itself at the viewer from inside the confines of an actual cable line.

#2.  Cap'n Lou Albano revving up a crowd for John Ritter tag-team action.

#3.  "THE EXORCISIST."



#4.  Jeffrey Jones spinnin' and scratchin' and groovin' and quick-mixin' as he DJs a party in a Salt-N-Pepa music video (!).

#5.  A Maxell commercial parody involving decapitation and calling itself MAX HELL.



#6.  "THREE MEN AND ROSEMARY'S BABY."

And I love that they got the detailing right on the satanic bassinet!

#7.  A STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION parody featuring Jeffrey Jones as multiple characters, including Worf, Data, and whoever is being depicted on that viewscreen:

(John Ritter is Picard.)

#8.  "DUANE'S UNDERWORLD."


A zombie parody of a Saturday Night Live sketch that is itself a parody of the very specific niche of rock n' roll-based cable access TV.  Whew!

#9.  "MY THREE SONS OF BITCHES."

#10.  I didn't get a screencap of it, but we do see the title screen of a show called "FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS."  I wonder if John Carpenter would be the director?

#11.  A fiendish, alternate dimensional version of THREE'S COMPANY that becomes John Ritter's worst nightmare.

(If the whole movie was this bizarre, I probably would consider it a masterpiece.)

#12.  The inspiration for CABIN IN THE WOODS?!

If you haven't seen CABIN IN THE WOODS (henceforth CITW), stop reading now.  

Though I half-expected it to rub me the wrong way, I really enjoyed CITW.  And now I also know that STAY TUNED was likely the basis for the whole endeavor.  This doesn't at all ruin my CITW experience, but I think there should possibly be an "inspired by" credit, or some acknowledgment to the film which preceded it.

Before you call me crazy, consider the set-up:  poor archetypal schmucks are taken to a demonic arena to be sacrificed via cliché for the amusement of dark gods.  The ritual is orchestrated by demonic middle-management in a command center that resembles a high-tech office with lots of monitors, and so on.

There is a new, logical, go-getting black guy (here, DEXTER's Erik King, in CITW it's Brian White) to whom they must explain the process:

They monitor the progress of the other contestants–  here, an old lady is being killed in Tokyo by a Will Vinton-esque Godzilla–

which recalls the alternate city monsters in CITW, like the RINGU girl in Japan and the giant ape in Buenos Aires.

As the film progresses, the archetype of "The Fool" (Ritter in STAY TUNED and Fran Kranz in CITW) continues to thwart the plans of the demonic middle management, threatening to upend their organization,

and by the film's end, we've seen a deluge of nearly every cliché in the book planted in a new context (from TV in STAY TUNED, from horror movies in CITW).  So there you go:  a mostly mediocre fantasy comedy from 1992 ends up being responsible for the best horror movie of 2012?

Two and a half stars.

–Sean Gill

Film Review: THE MONSTER SQUAD (1987, Fred Dekker)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 82 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Co-written and directed by Fred Dekker (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, ROBOCOP 3, writer of HOUSE), co-written by Shane Black (LETHAL WEAPON, KISS KISS BANG BANG, THE LAST BOY SCOUT). Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger (CHILDREN OF THE CORN), Brent Chalem ("Tubby" in DANCE 'TIL DAWN, "Spud" on PUNKY BREWSTER), Stephen Macht (TRANCERS III, GALAXINA, GRAVEYARD SHIFT), Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, HOUSE OF THE DEVIL), Jon Gries ("Roger Linus" on LOST, RUNNING SCARED, TERRORVISION), Jack Gwillim (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, PATTON), Leonardo Cimino (DUNE, HUDSON HAWK), Duncan Regehr (V, THE LEGEND OF ERROL FLYNN), Jason Hervey ('Wayne' on THE WONDER YEARS, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE), Stan Shaw (TRUCK TURNER, ROCKY). Music by Bruce Broughton (TOMBSTONE), songs by Michael Sembello (of 'Maniac' fame). Executive produced by Peter Hyams (RUNNING SCARED, BUSTING, 2010, OUTLAND, THE RELIC).
Tag-line: " You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?"
Best one-liner: See review.

A clever cash-in on THE GOONIES' success and a throwback to the classic Universal monster flicks which tried to jam as many monsters into one movie as was humanly possible (HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, HOUSE OF DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN), THE MONSTER SQUAD is a loving tribute to an age where one's primary curiosities lie in the morbid, the dark, the gross, and the monstrous. As such, Shane Black and Fred Dekker bring us a clever (but not too clever for its own good), self-referential (a decade before Kevin Williamson), tightly-wound (82 minutes!) horror film whose primary- nay, only- objective is to ensure that we have a hell of a good time. And though copyright issues disallowed the makers from using the actual Universal monsters, we have extremely solid Stan Winston facsimiles, and there are enough obscure nods to the originals (armadillos in Dracula's castle!) to satisfy the die hards. I shall now proceed with an empirical analysis of THE MONSTER SQUAD, one which seeks to separate MYTH from FACT:

MYTH: Dracula is class. He's all about the opera, and literature, and Gothic architecture, and, oh yes, that inconvenient matter that comes up from time to time– that of drinking your blood.
FACT: Dracula, in THE MONSTER SQUAD, is a total douchebomb. His nonstop dickery imperils not only the members of the titular Monster Squad, but even his fellow monsters as well. Will Dracula be having your son?

You bettah believe he'll be having your son. What if a gang of kids starts harassing him?


He will blast their treehouse to shit with dynamite and mutter to himself smugly, "Meeting adjourned." Just look at his face:

Have you ever seen a vampire more pleased with himself? Have you seen a monster with a more blatantly self-congratulatory attitude?
And while I guess this was the era of the PG-13, I love the way he deals with a five-year old girl who's got the mystical monster amulet:


The first time I saw this I was sort of disappointed with Duncan Regehr's take on Dracula, but now with the benefit of age and wisdom, I've gotta say: like the fine wine (that he never drinks), Drac's incessant, unrelenting superior form of douchebaggery only improves with age.

MYTH: Dracula can change his form, but he's limited to man, wolf, and bat.


FACT: Well, if we're counting one-frame subliminal messages, add "Bulging-Eyes-Skull-Head-Monster-Man" to the list. (Maybe this is somehow related to Dracula's headscratching appearance as "The Grim Reaper" in CASTLEVANIA II: SIMON'S QUEST?)

MYTH: Dracula cannot journey in daylight.

FACT: Evidently he can, in bat form, whilst exiting a vintage B-24 that he's commissioned. And is this some kind of abstruse reference to the B-24s used in the WWII bombing of Ploesti, Romania, the same nation whose borders lay claim to Transylvania?

MYTH: Jon Gries would make a pisspoor Wolf Man.


FACT: After cutting his teeth on roles like "O.D. the Metalhead" in TERRORVISION and "King Vidiot" in JOYSTICKS, he possessed the necessary derangement to pull of an extremely solid Wolf Man, and one with occasional pathos to boot.

MYTH: A Wolf Man traverses this life without 'Nards.
FACT: See below.





MYTH: The Wolf Man can be killed by stuffing dynamite down his pants, defenestrating him, and exploding him above a deserted alleyway as he plummets to the ground.

FACT: Only a silver bullet can kill the Wolf Man. (And what precisely does this movie have against Wolf Man genitalia, anyway?)

MYTH: Like many a lame-ass kids' movie since, THE MONSTER SQUAD censors itself.

FACT: No. It refuses to. It keeps the foul-mouthed pre-teens, the gore (watch for Dracula's brides munching on furry animals, raw- amongst other things), the five-year old girls being strangled and called bitches (see above), and all the other stuff that lets kids know they're not being pandered to.

MYTH: When the (quasi) Universal Monsters get together, they commence with death and destruction... immediately!

FACT: Actually, they simply cavort with one another in a shot which (comically, but surely unintentionally) goes on for about three seconds too long.

MYTH: The Creature from the Black Lagoon is underrated.

FACT: No, The Creature from the Black Lagoon is rated just as he should be. Hands down, the shittiest of the mainstream Universal Monsters, I'd rather see his #5 spot occupied by Mr. Hyde, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Man who Laughs, the ape from Rue Morgue, the Invisible Man, the Bride of Frankenstein, Dr. Pretorius, the crazy brother from THE OLD DARK HOUSE, Poelzig from THE BLACK CAT, or even a random Mole Person from THE MOLE PEOPLE. That being said, Stan Winston did a pretty superb job of reimagining him for the 1980's. And I guess the Creature gets a few points for having Clint Eastwood in the sequel. Anyway.

MYTH: Harold Ramis was the first to consider a film entitled GROUNDHOG DAY.
FACT: A fictional flick named 'GROUNDHOG DAY' is viewed within MONSTER SQUAD, a reference to the many 'holiday-themed slashers' which ruled the video shelves of the 1980's.

MYTH: TERMINATOR 2 was the first movie to end with a corny, gargantuan father figure sacrificing himself to the pit in order that others may live.
FACT: THE MONSTER SQUAD makes a pretty good go of it with Tom Noonan's Frankenstein.

Noonan is great. At 6'6'', he makes for a great Monster. Although never did I think I'd see 'Francis Dollarhyde' (the name of his character in MANHUNTER) holding a little girl's hand in a genuinely sentimental moment.

His catchphrase is "Bogus!," which should be enough to make your average FRANKENSTEIN fan's hair curl in dismay, but somehow Noonan imbues the role with enough sincerity that he makes those cringeworthy moments extremely palatable.

MYTH: "The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves."

FACT: "See ya later, Band-Aid Breath!"

MYTH: It is impossible to 'rap' adequately about "amulets."
FACT: Stay for the end credits, and listen for yourself. I'm not saying that Michael Sembello should be named Poet Laureate or anything, but give him a chance.

Four stars.

-Sean Gill