Film Review: THE NEXT KARATE KID (1994, Christopher Cain)

Stars: 2 of 5.

Running Time: 107 minutes. 

Notable Cast or Crew: Hilary Swank (BOYS DON'T CRY, MILLION DOLLAR BABY), Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, COLLISION COURSE), Michael Ironside (TOTAL RECALL, SCANNERS), Sonny Trinidad (THE KARATE KID PART II, DARKMAN), Walton Goggins (VICE PRINCIPALS, THE HATEFUL EIGHT), Constance Towers (SHOCK CORRIDOR, THE NAKED KISS), Chris Conrad ("Johnny Cage" in MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION, CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER). Cinematography by Lazlo Kovacs (FIVE EASY PIECES, EASY RIDER).

Tag-line: "Who says the good guy has to be a guy?"

Best one-liner:  "I don't care if you're a friend of the Pope!"

 

Okay, so I'm here to talk to you about THE NEXT KARATE KID. And what can I say? It shifts the action from the iconic Los Angeles/"All Valley" environs to the suburbs of Boston. It dumps Cobra Kai for a weird high school jock-club called the "Alpha Elite." It feels mostly like a generic KARATE KID rip-off that managed to accidentally snag Pat Morita, so they had to quickly rebrand it as a bona fide sequel. Also, this thing is shot by ace Hungarian arthouse cinematographer Lazlo Kovacs. Lazlo "FIVE EASY PIECES/PAPER MOON/EASY RIDER" Kovacs. Madness.

Hilary Swank plays Julie Pierce, Mr. Miyagi's latest protégé. She's the bangs-wearing granddaughter of a Miyagi war buddy and an orphan being cared for by her grandmother (Constance Towers, of Sam Fuller fame). She is introduced while giving a series of eyebrow-arching exposition dumps to her grandmother; all of which is information that she already knows.

 Just an incredible way to convey that information.

In subsequent years, Hilary Swank went on to perform nuanced and award-winning work in a number of studio and indie films and has even won two Oscars for her efforts. In THE NEXT KARATE KID, however, she is–––how do I put this?––"not great." It's not entirely her fault; the screenplay is a mess and I'm certain that the majority of the direction she received was "crinkle your face as if you are smelling an unpleasant odor," which is certainly a choice. Hey, it's from the director of YOUNG GUNS, I don't know what you want.

And even though Swank is twenty years old and far more high school-adjacent than anyone who appeared in GREASE, the costuming and styling here make her look, to my eyes, like a thirty-year-old playing Punky Brewster. However, it was my wife who really hit the nail on the head when she said, "She looks like she's supposed to be Michelle Tanner's visiting Greek cousin from that one episode of FULL HOUSE"

 

which is probably the most accurate assessment we're ever going to get. We can go ahead and close the book on that one. 

Anyway, Swank's character is content to play hooky and deliver monologues to her pet bird of prey,

but then, look out, folks: bullies!

These tuff guys in the Levis are members of the aforementioned "Alpha Elite," and the only one of them who looks under forty is Baby Walton Goggins.

Wait, what... Goggins?! (I happen to think he's one of our finest working actors, and it's hilarious to see him play a twerpy little bully like this. Love it. Just think of it as a prequel to VICE PRINCIPALS.)

The Alpha Elite are overseen by legendary Canadian character actor and Junta Juleil hall-of-famer, Michael Ironside. 

He is the ersatz John Kreese of this movie, and it's a role Ironside was born to play. Bellowing at middle-aged high schoolers about how they need to "toughen up," baring his teeth, and kickin' butt. That's the Ironside way. He's basically his character from STARSHIP TROOPERS. When Miyagi shows up to cast aspersions on his teaching acumen,

he stares him down with that patented Ironside crazy-face (see also: HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING) 

 

and says, "I don't care if you're a friend of the Pope." Um, good one?

I think the Alpha Elite are supposed to be a dojo, a sports team, an ROTC-type organization, and the high school's hall monitors, all at once. None of this really matters, because the movie is not so invested in their plot line. Ironside gets about fifteen minutes of screen-time, and the movie routinely and immediately forgets about the Alpha Elite each time they are built up as a threat.

At prom, they bungee jump down from the rafters and... intimidate the crowd, I guess?

I don't know why this happens, or to what purpose, and, hell, I just watched the movie.

The bulk of the film revolves around Swank's karate training which takes place at a Zen Buddhist monastery somewhere in the wilds of Massachusetts. Hilary Swank practices karate moves in a montage set to a song by The Cranberries.

This is mostly to remind us that it's 1994, but it also demonstrates that Hilary Swank's karate moves are technically more proficient than Ralph Macchio's. Heresy? I don't think so. Look at that crane kick. Elsewhere, she's got some practically JCVD-adjacent extension.

There's a zany subplot where the monks leave the monastery and go bowling. I never promised you a rose garden.

Look at this shirt Miyagi is wearing. Just look at it.

 (Borrowed from Sinbad?)

Because "wax on, wax off" is far too manly to teach to a woman, apparently, Swank obtains her "karate while doing a mundane task" merit badge from Miyagi by... babysitting.

Also, the entire sequence is written and shot in such a way as to render it completely indistinguishable from an actual NERF commercial. Anyway, that's how women learn karate in the film's universe: through childcare and NERF fights. Whew.

There's also a subplot where Swank is dating this forty-five-year-old high school student,

and ya know what, we can just skip that, it's cool.

All of this leads to a sudden finale where a car gets blown up

and then Ironside comes back for revenge, 

and it feels very unmotivated, like what's he getting revenge for exactly?, and then Ironside's faux-Kreese battles Miyagi in a facsimile of the fight scene that opens KARATE KID PART II, except instead of booping his opponent's nose at a climactic moment,

Miyagi comically blows him over with a puff of air. There's a bit of fight choreography that stuck out to me, though: at one point, Miyagi grabs Ironside by his forearms, causing him to look down in horror,

a strange replay/homage to the iconic Schwarzenegger vs. Ironside "See you at the party, Richter" fight in TOTAL RECALL,  

 wherein Ironside loses his arms. So there you have it, folks: THE NEXT KARATE KID.

As a final note, I think that TV's COBRA KAI––which is one of the best purveyors of nostalgia out there, and the best current '80s reboot I can think of––should absolutely embrace THE NEXT KARATE KID. Get Walton Goggins and Michael Ironside in there. Then Hilary Swank should show up in the series finale, announce that Miyagi taught only her his most treasured karate secrets, and kick everyone's ass.

Film Review: BLOODSPORT III (1996, Alan Mehrez)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.
Tag-line: "Beyond honor there is a fight for justice and the truth..."
Notable Cast or Crew: Daniel Bernhardt (BLOODSPORT 2, JOHN WICK), John Rhys-Davies (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, KING SOLOMON'S MINES), Amber Van Lent (LYING EYES, BAYWATCH), Uni Park (TEK WAR, DIRTY WORK), Master Hee Il Cho (BLOODSPORT 2, BEST OF THE BEST), James Hong (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, NINJA III: THE DOMINATION), Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, BAYWATCH).  Produced and directed by Alan Mehrez (BLOODSPORT 2, CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER). 
Best One-liner:  "You're ten years old now, Jason––I think it's time you learned the real meaning about martial arts... and about me.  Have you ever heard about a championship called a Kumite?"

Two down-on-their-luck cineastes in a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"All good things must come to an end.  Even good things that come in 3's."
–"Oh, thank God.  Haven't you inflicted enough suffering?  First, it was undead bird attacks in ZOMBI 3, then Ambrose Bierce fan-fic in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3, then poor man's Paul Walker in TOKYO DRIFT, waterski carnage in JAWS 3-D, V8 foreplay in NINJA III, and werewolf nuns in HOWLING III.  And, that's not even counting the time you made me watch Stallone play a hippie in SPY KIDS 3-D, or when you forced me to read the entire novelization of HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH!"
"I won't have you speaking ill of HALLOWEEN III on my watch.  But, regardless, I have brought you a gift.  Don't you think it's a lovely day for a... Kumite?"
–"Oh, no. Not the third BLOODSPORT.  It has a reputation."
"Trust me, a wise man once said, 'nothing with a Kumite in it can be all bad.'  You can print that in the paper."
–"I must be going."
"Aw, come on, remember how much you loved BLOODSPORT 2: THE NEXT KUMITE?"
–"I guess it was pretty good."
"You're goddamned right it was good.  And BLOODSPORT III naturally brings back part 2's Jean-Faux Van Damme: Swiss martial artist Daniel Bernhardt, whom actual Van Damme cherry-picked as his replacement after they met on a photo shoot for Versace jeans."
–"It's not Versace, it's Ver-sayce."
"Oh, hush.  So the film begins with a montage of scenes from BLOODSPORT 2's Kumite, probably to pad the run-time.  Then, Daniel Bernhardt (as Kumite champion Alex Cardo) wakes up from the flashback––which was actually a sweaty Kumite nightmare."

–"'Kumite Nightmare' would be a good name for a band."
"We then sweep into a frame story.  Remember, how BLOODSPORT 2 had that wraparound with James Hong telling the tale of Alex Cardo to his kiddie dojo?  Well, this continues that tradition, only now it's even more PRINCESS BRIDE, with Bernhardt telling the story of the movie to his ten-year old son.  According to the IMDb trivia section, the age of Bernhardt's son would place this frame story in 2007."
–"I don't care."
"Hey, remember when JCVD dressed up as a street clown to save a bunch of Dickensian urchins in THE QUEST?  Like his illustrious forbear, Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt really cares about the kids, delivering pathos-filled expressions of concern.  (Did I mention that I'm starting to like Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt almost as much as the real JCVD?) And so begins one of the greatest father-son conversations of all time:

"You're ten years old now, Jason––I think it's time you learned the real meaning about martial arts... and about me.  Have you ever heard about a championship called a Kumite?"
It's one of those universal rites of fatherhood; you know, you gotta to tell your kid about the birds n' the bees, about the concept of death, about that time you won two Kumites...  Honestly, though, he should probably be a little more concerned about that George Jetson blow-up doll in the background."
–"Yikes."
"So we travel back eleven years to Bernhardt looking spiffy in a white tux, like James Bond.

He fights some generic ninja dudes in a casino, and it's like they're lifted from a typical Cannon actioner, or the film-within-a-film at the end of PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE.  Dudes in the background randomly shout things like 'That guy's LETHAL!' and there's a MacGuffin of some kind that's not actually important and here the movie spins its wheels for a bit.  Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt becomes involved with a shady businessman played by John Rhys-Davies..."

 –"Aw, man.  Poor guy."
"Hey, dude's gotta eat.  Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt starts dating Rhys-Davies' daughter (Amber Van Lent), who curdles our collective blood during an excruciatingly atonal song 'sesh where she tries to do her best Julee Cruise-in-TWIN PEAKS impersonation,

Note blue dress and red velvet curtain.

but why they thought letting her sing on camera was a good idea is anybody's guess.  It's genuinely and splendidly terrible."

–"You're not really doing a good job of selling me on this movie, are you?"

"Oh, just you wait.  There's a nice bit when Bernhardt and Rhys-Davies admire a truly terrible painting

There's no 'subtitle' for BLOODSPORT III.  Might I submit, for your consideration, BLOODSPORT III: TUXEDO JUNCTION?

and Rhys-Davies says, 'Have you ever seen a painting this exquisite?'

I can't even tell what it's a painting of––a jar of eyeballs?  Baby heads?  Pickled lemons?  Peaches?"

–"Hot damn!"

"Then Rhys-Davies starts tossing around all this talk about a new Kumite, and therefore lines like "I am sponsoring a new Kumite" and "I see you're going into business with my father––something to do with a... Kumite?" are spoken.  I approve of this.  For reasons that aren't properly telegraphed, they bring back Bernhardt's old master James Hong

Good to see you, Mr. Hong.  I last glimpsed your stern visage in NINJA III: THE DOMINATION.

just to kill him off five minutes later with an exploding telephone planted by evil John Rhys-Davies.  Never mind that this negates the frame story of BLOODSPORT 2 where an elderly Hong reminisced about his life.  Thirsting for revenge, Bernhardt looks up Pat Morita (also briefly reprising his BLOODSPORT 2 role)

 

Morita: 'Thank God I'm only on set for two hours.'

who sends him to train with a new Kumite master, Master Hee Il Cho.  And so Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt embarks on an epic training montage that seems culled almost exactly from another JCVD film: KICKBOXER.

Workin' on the ol' leg extension...

...for the big payoff: the splits!

Naturally this is replete with HELLRAISER-style torture and balanced with TOP GUN-ish homoerotica:

And finally, like Christopher Cross, he learns how to 'charm that snake.'  Unlike JCVD, who simply punches them, Bernhardt waves his hands around and mesmerizes the little fellow.

–"Wow.  'Indiana Jones' much?"

"Definitely.  In fact, this whole movie feels a little 'Indiana Jones' to me, between John Rhys-Davies, the Sri Lankan locales (as in TEMPLE OF DOOM), the elephant rides, the white tuxedos, the snake stuff, et cetera."

–"Would you say, 'INDIANA BERNHARDT AND THE TEMPLE OF KOOM... ITAY?'"

"No.  I would not say that.  So finally we get to the main event.  Rhys-Davies has bet his entire fortune on the big bad fighter named 'Beast,' who kinda looks like a poor man's Mayor Mike Haggar (from FINAL FIGHT).

 

Mayor Mike Haggar...

...and his low rent counterpart, sans bitchin' one-strapped overall, but with the same forest green pants!

Rhys-Davies has also done his damnedest to keep Bernhardt out of the Kumite, an endeavor at which, naturally, he does not succeed."
–"Lay down some Kumite highlights for me."
"Most of the fighters have splendid names, like 'Camacho Supe,' 'Bruce Burly,' 'Chai' (like the tea, I guess), 'JJ Tucker,' and 'Sparx.'  I could go on.  I will go on.

That fight there involves 'Stellio,' which is pronounced like 'Steel-Leo.'

 

This one features freakin' 'MAX OMEGA.'  Whoever was naming these background fighters deserves a raise."

–"Those are pretty good.  You're beginning to pique my interest."

"Yeah.  And speaking of Max Omega, he's played by kickboxer Chad Stahelski, who is a returning fighter––he played 'clown makeup guy' in BLOODSPORT 2, who is totally the same character––he just switched favorite bands from KISS to Cinderella:

 

Max Omega in BLOODSPORT 2...

...and BLOODSPORT III.

There's also a fighter who's allowed to use a whip for some reason

and then there's my personal favorite, the aforementioned 'Stellio.'  Played by UFC fighter Erik Paulson, Stellio kinda dresses in an unlikely fusion between 'Burning Man refugee' and 'roadie for Lynyrd Skynyrd.' 

His acting choices are brilliantly inconsistent (though the blame probably lies with the editor)––for instance, after winning a fight against a throwaway character, he stares down Bernhardt, points at him, and screams, 'YOU'RE DEAD!!!'  

The next time we see him, he's sitting next to Bernhardt in the Kumite waiting area and he throws him a head nod, as if to say, 'Nice job, bro.  We should hang out sometime.'

This is demonstrably fantastic.  Also, later he bites Bernhardt's calves."

–"That's cool."

"I really stand by the Kumite scenes in this movie.  The sound effects are ludicrously goopy––each punch and kick sounds like heads are being squished and hearts are being ripped out of bodies.  And the whole thing is scored by what amounts to a hilariously 'action-y,' ersatz version of Hendrix's 'Foxy Lady.'  Also, despite the nonstop kick-blasting action of the Kumite, the filmmakers felt the need to stick with their frame story, so occasionally we cut to Bernhardt & son on a camping trip and the son will say something like 'Wow, were you scared?' and Bernhardt will say 'No,' and then we cut back to the Kumite."

–"I appreciate that."

"Oh, yeah–––and during one of the frame story cutaways, we learn that Bernhardt's mastery of the 'Iron Hand' technique allows him to light fires with the force of his mind. 

This magical ability is conspicuously not used at the Kumite.  If he could, why didn't he go all 'CARRIE' on their asses?"

–"Oh man, I would totally watch a movie that was like a Kumite of Stephen King characters.  Jack Torrance with his axe, Annie Wilkes with her sledgehammer, Carrie shooting fire..."

"Cujo, the Chattery Teeth, Pennywise, Randall Flagg... Yeah, I could see that working.  I'm going to file the copyright on that right away.  We can call it a 'King-itay.'  

–"Sure."

"Annnyway, we get to see a Double-Split Slap-Battle:

If you can't appreciate the exquisite poetry of a Double-Split Slap-Battle, then there's truly nothing I can do for you.  You are lost. Awash.  Forever at sea, unmoored.  You will never know true joy."

–"No, I'm on board for that."

"Good.  So the Kumite ends up going pretty much how you would expect, and Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt gets to do his best JCVD crazyface while drooling blood,

 

and he's good at it, too.  This is authentic, JCVD-approved crazyface.  Finally, at the end they replay that glorious 'Rhythm of the Kumite' song that closed out BLOODSPORT 2.  And that's all she wrote."

–"I might actually have to watch this."

"I tentatively recommend.  While it commits the unforgivable mistake of not bringing back 'Jackson' (Donald Gibb) as they did in BLOODSPORT 2 (what, was he busy or something?), at the end of the day BLOODSPORT III possesses a fair number of remarkable and spit-take-inducing moments, and some of the best-ever character names of third-string Kumite competitors. I give it three and a half stars."

–"That seems like a lot."

"It's really not. And I eagerly await viewing the next installment (BLOODSPORT 4: THE DARK KUMITE), which has a batshit reputation, seems to steal liberally from DEATH WARRANT, and indeed looks completely bananas."

–Sean Gill