Only now does it occur to me... V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984)

Only now does it occur to me... well, before I get ahead of myself, I'd be remiss if I didn't say a few words about the "V" franchise. An anti-fascist alien invasion adventure inspired by Sinclair Lewis' IT CAN'T HAPPEN HERE and John Steinbeck's THE MOON IS DOWN, Kenneth Johnson's V: THE ORIGINAL MINISERIES (1983) is a close-to-perfect three hours of television. It's potent enough to have been an inspiration to great artists (John Carpenter's THEY LIVE), popcorn flicks (INDEPENDENCE DAY), 

 

and dangerous fools (David Icke's whackadoo reptilian theories) alike. I'd say without reservation that it's one of the best sci-fi properties of the 1980s, which is obviously saying a lot. It's got everything from Robert Englund playing a lovable, post-MORK AND MINDY "gentle dullard" alien 

 

to Jane Badler playing the manipulative alien Nazi version of "DYNASTY meets XANADU." 

 

It's a rare breed of miniseries, and one which forced an important question upon the Reagan-era mainstream (which has since been "answered," for all of us, in one way or another): whose side will you choose when the Nazis come?

Then, there was a sequel––V: THE FINAL BATTLE. Made largely without Kenneth Johnson's participation, there's way more action, way less diversity, and fewer instances of social commentary, but it's still fairly solid TV, and you can really see its influence on subsequent sci-fi actioners, from ALIENS to TOTAL RECALL. Part of this is because the inimitable Michael Ironside joins the cast as the ex-CIA mercenary "Ham Tyler." 

 

His one-liners feel somewhat out of place on the heels of such heavy dramatic material, but that ain't Ironside's fault.

 

It was on this project that Michael Ironside met his real-life best friend (and best man at his wedding), the musician/actor Mickey Jones.

Anyway, I guess you could say this is all a prelude to one of the greatest/weirdest happenings in television history, a bit of fight choreography I can only describe as the "Nut Slide of Doom." It's the best stunt JCVD never did. Basically, a resistance leader––played by Marc Singer (THE BEASTMASTER himself)––decides to take out one of the alien Visitors by sliding off the hood of a spaceship and knocking the alien in the face with his crotch. That this tawdry moment happens in part 2 of a project which began with such lofty political, social, and historical aims does not invalidate the fact that it objectively rules. 

See for yourself:

 

And I'm not alone here. 

 

 

When V (again, without Kenneth Johnson) was turned into a weekly TV series, they chose this exact moment––and scored by somber synth music, no less!––to cap the opening credits sequence. They even freeze frame it. Don't believe me? Just watch.

 

Anyway. I just wanted to make sure that all of you were aware of this. And I'll be returning to V: THE SERIES quite soon for even more harebrained observations. (For the record, V: THE SERIES is terrible, and if you decide to enjoy the saga, do yourself a favor and quit at the end of V: THE FINAL BATTLE.)

Film Review: DROP ZONE (1994, John Badham)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 101 minutes.
Tag-line: "Something dangerous is in the air."
Notable Cast or Crew: Wesley Snipes (DEMOLITION MAN, BLADE), Gary Busey (SURVIVING THE GAME, LETHAL WEAPON), Yancy Butler (HARD TARGET, THE EX), Michael Jeter (THE FISHER KING, JURASSIC PARK III), Malcolm-Jamal Warner (THE COSBY SHOW, SONS OF ANARCHY), Grace Zabriskie (TWIN PEAKS, WILD AT HEART), Corin Nemec (TV's THE STAND, PARKER LEWIS CAN'T LOSE), Mickey Jones (TOTAL RECALL, EXTREME PREJUDICE), Kimberly Scott (THE ABYSS, BATMAN & ROBIN).  Music by Hans Zimmer (THE ROCK, BROKEN ARROW).  Directed by John Badham (SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, WARGAMES, THE HARD WAY, SHORT CIRCUIT, BLUE THUNDER).
Best One-liner:  "God bless America!" [said by a lunatic Gary Busey––it's all in the enunciation]

DROP ZONE tells the tale of a risk-taking lawman who infiltrates a gang of sky-diving adrenaline junkies and thieves in order to bring them to justice.  You may recognize this as the plot of 1991's POINT BREAK, also co-starring Gary Busey.  Don't hold that against it.  DROP ZONE is simply a mediocre 90s action movie trying to make it's way in the world, but like so many of its misfit and forgotten brethren, when it hits its stride, it really hits its stride.  Here are a dozen of DROP ZONE's such "stride-hitting" moments.

 #1.  Gary Busey as a Poindexter.

He's the head of a corrupt ex-DEA sky-diving ring who robs government buildings, hijacks planes, and the like.  For this particular criminal maneuvering, he has adopted the costume and persona of a "Poindexter"-style nerd (with undertones of Buddy Holly!), who even draws attention to himself, pre-hijack, by explaining to the flight attendants how he's afraid of flying.  Nicely done, Mr. Busey.

#2.  This particular measure of Busey-related violence leads to the death of Wesley Snipes' in-movie brother, Malcolm-Jamal Warner.

He's around for about five minutes, and has "dead man walking" written all over him; he might as well be the cop who's got two days till retirement.  His death is spectacular––it involves Busey blasting open the side of an airplane, whereupon the air pressure sucks Malcolm-Jamal to the precipice, and despite Wesley Snipes' best efforts to melodramatically cling to his hand, he is sucked into the void while Wesley shouts "NOOOOOOOOO!"  Then the film, having threatened to turn into PASSENGER 57, returns to Earth and...

 #3. Let's talk about Wesley Snipes as "Nessip."  The quest for Malcolm-Jamal-related vengeance leads Mr. Snipes to infiltrate the sky-diving circuit so he can personally hunt down Gary Busey.

Because his role is more of the straight man, square-jawed hero, this leads to an uncharacteristically understated performance.  Don't expect DEMOLITION MAN or NEW JACK CITY levels of flamboyance here––you can tell he's a little frustrated with his role.  Perhaps because of this, the character is named "Nessip," which is an anagram of "Snipes."  Did Wesley request this personally?  Did having his own scrambled name in the mix somehow placate his ego?

#4.  Gary Busey Teeth Domination.  The aforementioned hijacking took place so that Busey could kidnap a hacker (played by talented character actor Michael Jeter) held in federal custody.  To assert dominance, Busey bites off his finger with his ginormous teeth, an event which leads to the following, brilliant exchange:

#5.  Poor man's Linda Hamilton.  You may recognize Yancy Butler and her intense eyebrows from JCVD's HARD TARGET.

Here, she plays Snipes' sidekick, a daredevil with a heart of gold.  She skydives and looks sad a lot.

#6. Hey, look, it's Mickey Jones!  Real-life best friend of Michael Ironside, former drummer for Bob Dylan, and go-to "hick" supporting player,

Mickey Jones plays a member of (fellow Texan) Busey's gang, which only seems natural.

#7.  A rockin' Hans Zimmer soundtrack.  This is from the era when he really went "full-guitar" and accompanied his pounding action with mournful, Ry Cooder-style riffs.  See also: BROKEN ARROW.

#8.  Grace Zabriskie as a two-fisted, Floridian flygirl and parachute jockey.

When you're watching her here, the idea that she is also "Sarah Palmer" from TWIN PEAKS is veritably mind-blowing.  I swear, she can pull off anything she sets her mind to––truly, she's one of the greats.  Plus, we finally get to see her with Wesley Snipes as a scene partner.

And this is the second time they've worked together!  See also: THE WATERDANCE (1992).

#9.  Gary Busey parachuting in zebra-print pajama pants.

I feel confident in stating this is worth the price of admission.

#10.  MIAMI VICE.  About halfway through, when I realized it was not going to deviate from its Florida locale, I began to discover that this is really kind of a big-budget MIAMI VICE episode, but with no Crockett, and with Busey perfectly encapsulating a vivid, "criminal of the week" guest star.

That's fine by me.

#11. Gary Busey Teeth Domination, Volume 2.  Busey challenges Yancey Butler to a tooth domination competition.  

He wins, obviously.

#12.  Busey's death––a.k.a. Gary Busey Teeth Domination, Volume 3.  Technically, I wouldn't call this a spoiler, since in every action movie from the 1980s and 1990s in which he played a villain, Busey dies.  Here, Wesley Snipes flings him out of a skyscraper without a parachute, and he goes to meet his maker in typical Busey fashion, teeth bared.


He swan-dives directly into the windshield of a truck being driven by Mickey Jones, and explodes.

In his final moments, he attempted to tooth dominate Death Itself.  Who are we to say that he did not succeed?

––Sean Gill

Film Review: HOMER AND EDDIE (1989, Andrei Konchalovsky)

Stars: 2.2 of 5.
Running Time: 102 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: James Belushi, Whoopi Goldberg, John Waters (director of PINK FLAMINGOS and SERIAL MOM), Anne Ramsey (THE GOONIES, DEADLY FRIEND), Mickey Jones (TOTAL RECALL, EXTREME PREJUDICE), Karen Black (FIVE EASY PIECES, INVADERS FROM MARS), Vincent Schiavelli (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, LORD OF ILLUSIONS), Tracey Walter (REPO MAN, MORTUARY ACADEMY), 'Tiny' Lister (EXTREME PREJUDICE, JACKIE BROWN), Pruitt Taylor Vince (NATURAL BORN KILLERS, WILD AT HEART), Wayne Grace (DANCES WITH WOLVES, MULHOLLAND DR.), Robert Glaudini (CUTTING CLASS; GRUNT! THE WRESTLING MOVIE).
Tag-line: "She's ruthless - He's witless - They're on the road together and falling apart at the seams!"
Best one-liner: "What the fuck is a brain stem?"

Sometimes when I can't tell if a film is supposed to be a comedy or a drama, and James Belushi happens to be in it, all I have to do is look at his credit: if it says 'Jim' (SNOW DOGS, CANADIAN BACON, ABRAXIS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE, JUMPIN' JACK FLASH) it's probably intended to be a comedy, and if it says 'James' (SALVADOR, WILD PALMS, THIEF), it probably means that he wants to be taken seriously. HOMER AND EDDIE is a film which pendulates wildly between the full on-whacky and the quasi-profound, but for the record, he's credited as 'James.'

A lot of 70's and 80's movies struggle to maintain a consistent tone (INTO THE NIGHT, THE END, FREEBIE AND THE BEAN, SOMETHING WILD, HOWARD THE DUCK, and STROKER ACE come to mind), establishing themselves as Zany with a capital Z, and then pulling the rug out with something that's Heavy with a capital H. It's not to say that this will derail an entire film, or that tonal shifts can't be done well (see the Coens, David Lynch, et al.), but it's possible that two disparate tones have never been quite so at odds with one another as is the case in HOMER AND EDDIE. For example, we follow up a disquieting scene with a terminally ill woman smashing her head into a bathroom mirror...

...with one that involves hootin' n' hollerin' whilst driving past a bus full of nubile cheerleaders while set to peppy 80' grooves. A serious theological discussion that ends with Whoopi screaming, in all seriousness, "THERE AIN'T NO FUCKING GOD!" is followed by a fix-em-up montage set to tender guitar and wailin', sultry saxophone.

Directed by the writer of IVAN'S CHILDHOOD and ANDREI RUBLEV (!) and Cannon Films director-in-residence (RUNAWAY TRAIN, MARIA'S LOVERS, SHY PEOPLE) Andrei Konchalovsky, HOMER AND EDDIE is the tale of a brain-damaged man-child (James Belushi) and a brain-tumored sociopath (Whoopi Goldberg) who join forces and go on a West Coast road trip in search of the meaning of life, the meaning of family, and a missing eighty-seven dollars.

In short, it's a coming of age drama, a zany buddy-trip flick, an on-the-lam crime thriller, a fish out of water story, a Depression-era throwback (that's kind of a 1980's OF MICE AND MEN), a sex farce, and a cult movie. It's like somebody thought that combining RAIN MAN, SOMETHING WILD, and PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE would in some way be a good idea.
[The only movies of the era I can think of which can properly pull off the Americana road trip scenario along with flashes of beauty and violence and comedy and pathos are Jim Jarmusch's MYSTERY TRAIN and David Lynch's WILD AT HEART.]

Our leads do a pretty good job of 'running it up the flagpole,' so to speak. Belushi tries his hardest to pull off 'lovable, mentally disabled man.' The fact that I didn't find it entirely offensive is a tremendous credit to Belushi's acting chops.

I became something of a latter-day Whoopi fan only after seeing her performance in FATAL BEAUTY, and she's pretty amusing here, rampaging about and robbing people and uttering rejoinders such as "You're like Frankenstein and shit!" She anchors the erratic and ridiculous character with enough humanity that I was never actively pissed at her, and again, that is something of an achievement. You know a film is not hitting it's mark when I have to compliment it in terms 'what was not actively aggravating me.'

When you'd fear that all hope is lost- in a twist that really blew my mind– there's a goddamned parade of iconic cult actors in bit parts. Just look at this rogue's gallery:

Michael Ironside's best bud and ex-Bob-Dylan-drummer Mickey Jones as a redneck manhandled by Whoopi in a diner:


Legendary melancholy-faced character actor Vincent Schiavelli as a priest who refuses to grant Whoopi absolution for murder:


Former wrestler and action film standby Tommy 'Tiny' Lister as a heat-packin' clubgoer begrudingly won over by Belushi's cutesyness:


Crabby acting icon Anne Ramsey as a grizzled convenience store owner keeping an eagle eye out for shoplifters:


70's giant Karen Black as the insane madam of a low-rent, Southwestern, tin-shed whorehouse:


Pruitt Taylor Vince as an unlucky liquor store owner:


Director John Waters as a scampish highwayman who declares "Move it, maggot!":


And cult actor extraordinaire Tracey Walter as a stuttering cop and boyhood friend of Belushi.


Whew! In closing, I still like Konchalovsky. RUNAWAY TRAIN remains an all-time favorite, and HOMER AND EDDIE is by no means a terrible film, it's merely a misguided one. Probably the most inspired bit of work done on the film is by sometime Golan-Globus and Full Moon Pictures casting director Robert MacDonald (BARFLY, MURPHY'S LAW, RUNAWAY TRAIN, AMERICAN NINJA, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM, SUBSPECIES, CASTLE FREAK, TRANCERS II) who assembled enough eclectic performers and bizarro cameos to really keep things interesting, even if it was something along the lines of 'What notorious cult performer will pop up next?!'

For its status as a (misconceived) labor of love and a treasure trove of unexpected personalities: a little over two stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: FORCED TO KILL (1994, Russell Solberg)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Michael Ironside, Corey Michael Eubanks, Clint Howard, Rance Howard, Mickey Jones, Don Swayze.
Best one-liner: [Ironside shoots a man dead.] "GET UP!!!"

A great start to any weekend is some Ironside, so here we are. On a previous Ironside week, I showcased the trailer for this fine flick, which made such redunkulous claims as "one of this year's most critically acclaimed and explosive pictures," "without a doubt, one of the most exciting, action-packed feature films to ever come out of Hollywood," and "a must-see guaranteed to to THRILL audiences...everywhere." More appropriate might have been "more Ironside angry face and more cars hurtling through the air and exploding per capita than any comparable film."






The drinking game inclined can do whatever they wish with that information, but I cannot take responsibility for the consequences. Now for the review:

Grab a #2 pencil, and join me for a brief survey: Do you like silly, clichéd action flicks; villains with Sides of Iron, Swayzes that aren't Patrick, or the extended family of Ron Howard? When you see a van, are you unhappy until it's flying through the air en route to a fiery, fiery demise? When you see two men, do you pray that they'll soon be covered in mud and roundhouse kicking each other to death while surrounded by a relentlessly fist-pumpin', hollerin' crowd that looks culled straight from the background loop of an old STREETFIGHTER game? If you answered 'yes' to any of the above questions, then allow me to write you a prescription for FORCED TO KILL. That way, if anyone catches you watching it, you can say, "Oh, it's doctor's orders."

The film is made with genuine affection, and the proof is in the pudding- it was written, directed, and starred in by seasoned stuntmen. Sure, nobody's giving F.W. Murnau a run for his money or anything, but they've certainly perfected the art of 'bodies blasted from helicopters into the wakes of speedboats during high-speed chases.'

I'm fairly certain that even F.W. Murnau would concede that this is pretty effin' schweet.


What is this? Was Herzog somehow involved?

Corey Eubanks (son of Bob, writer of this, stuntman in everything from PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE to MULHOLLAND DR.) is our repo man/martial artist hero who’s kidnapped by a cadre of hicks to compete in their hayseed fight club. Eubanks possesses a profound awkwardness- the stilted line delivery of Keanu Reeves (“Can I get you anything?…an ambulance?”), the loopy élan of JCVD, and the constant facial indicating of a community theater actor.

Needless to say, I liked him right away. Seriously. He’s got a certain, rare energy that should’ve led to a more substantial acting career, at least in B movies.

Michael Ironside's real-life best friend Mickey Jones:

and Don Swayze:

(the fact that he never played Patrick’s evil twin is one of film’s great disappointments) lend us some bumpkinny street cred.

Michael Ironside lets loose with some redunkulous villainy (and here in his second Solberg/Eubanks flick- the first being PAYBACK in '91).

What is Mike drinking there? Can anybody I.D. it? (Doesn't look like Labatt Maximum Ice.)

He plays the small town's extremely put-upon sheriff:

I'd rather be....CHAINDANCIN'.

whose only joy in life is submitting fighters for this backwoods battle royale.

'Hey! I don't have to wear a cardigan!'

Of course, Corey Michael Eubanks is the fly in the ointment, but Ironside has got a few tricks up his sleeve-

“I guarantee you she will die the slowest, most painful death I can come up with.”

Shit! The worst that IRONSIDE can come up with?! Hot damn! I’d rather take my chances with Torquemada!

In all, this is a pretty great "kith n' kin" flick (also see: HUNTER'S BLOOD, THE LONG RIDERS, or anything with Frank Stallone, Joey Travolta, or Baldwins that aren't Alec) as we've got Bob Eubanks' son, Patrick Swayze's brother, and Ron Howard's pop and brother.

Clint plays a sad sack 'Nam vet.

I guess you could say that this movie is extremely relative. Four stars.

-Sean Gill