Only now does it occur to me... Dick Maas' DOWN/THE SHAFT (2001)

Only now does it occur to me... that on this Halloween I ought to spare a few thoughts for Dick Maas' own "Hollywood" remake of his 1983 Dutch elevator-horror film, THE LIFT. Like the original, it's the classic tale of a machine with a mind of its own terrorizing the occupants of a high-rise. Probably the greatest mark it left on pop culture was to inspire the mediocre X-FILES episode, "Ghost in the Machine."

Known as both "DOWN" and "THE SHAFT," this American remake has a far larger budget and a truer commitment to gleeful misanthropy: the elevator's victims include children, the disabled, seeing-eye dogs, and pregnant women. He recreates several scenes from the original, shot-for-shot,

1983


2001



1983

2001

though this time he manages to fit in an extended sequence of schweet X-treme rollerblading


which ends with one of the rollerbladers sucked up in a parking garage by the killer elevator and launched from the observation deck onto the sidewalk below, so I have to tip my hat to that sort of shit. This one's ending is a little more low-rent DIE HARD than the original and involves a bazooka

and a makeout sesh' set to Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator" so I guess that probably sets the scene for you.

Like the original, it's still pretty committed to the banality of elevator repair (James Marshall––TWIN PEAKS' James Hurley––plays the intrepid elevator engineer originally played by Huub Stapel).

Naomi Watts takes over Willeke van Ammelrooy's role of the elevator journalist/love interest (her last role before her breakthrough in MULHOLLAND DRIVE).

Edward Herrmann (OVERBOARD, THE LOST BOYS) plays the building manager, who for all intents and purposes is "The Mayor from JAWS" of this picture.


Ron Perlman pops up as a passionate elevator executive who doesn't like elevator journalists poking around his business, so he shouts things like "goddamit!" all the time.



Dan Hedaya sorta phones it in as a hardboiled elevator-hating cop, which reminds me that

Hedaya and Ron Perlman were really on their way to being a real Tracey/Hepburn in the late '90s, appearing together in three movies (this, ALIEN: RESURRECTION, Joe Dante's THE SECOND CIVIL WAR) within a four-year span. Why'd they have to go and break that streak?

Finally, we have Canadian Jack Nicholson and Junta Juleil Hall-O-Famer Michael Ironside

as "that German prick from elevator research" and he has this look on his face throughout like he's a little surprised to even be there

but he's still trying his best, even when explaining that an elevator he's possessed with military-grade microchip goop could somehow usher in a new Age of the Medici. It's not too big of a spoiler to say that he meets his demise via elevator after failing to kill James Hurley in hand-to-hand combat


when CGI elevator cables start whipping about like deranged snakes


and send him to the high-rise gallows. Alongside TOTAL RECALL's "See you at the party, Richter" moment, this marks at least the second time in film history that Ironside has been dispatched by an elevator.

Most of the dialogue is delivered by the cast in a stilted manner, as if English isn't their first language, even though it is in most cases. This lends it a kind of lesser-Bava or Fulci feel that almost evolves into a Lynchian one

given the cast's history––James Marshall (TWIN PEAKS, TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN), Naomi Watts (MULHOLLAND DRIVE, RABBITS, TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN), and Dan Hedaya (MULHOLLAND DRIVE). There's even a scene at a '50s diner,


though, sadly, it is not a Winkie's.

The final aspect I must mention in relation to THE SHAFT is the "9/11" one. This film debuted at Cannes in May 2001 and was released in the Netherlands on September 6, 2001. Its American release was cancelled (though it eventually made it to straight-to-video in 2003) because of the September 11th attacks.

Many films were delayed by 9/11, including Schwarzenegger's COLLATERAL DAMAGE, the Guy Pearce remake of THE TIME MACHINE, and the Gwyneth Paltrow romcom VIEW FROM THE TOP. These decisions were made for reasons ranging from, respectively, "a building in Los Angeles explodes," "New York is damaged by meteors," and "the majority of scenes involve flight attendants at work." THE SHAFT is a different animal entirely. It doesn't merely have scenes of carnage in a high-rise,

though that certainly would have been enough to delay it, given the climate. It doesn't merely have scenes of a U.S. President somberly addressing the nation about a terrorist attack in New York.


And it doesn't merely show the World Trade Center as a B-roll shot during that speech.

Nor does it merely feature jokes about how terrorism against skyscrapers sells newspapers,


depict squads of nervous NYPD swarming lower Manhattan, or highlight the danger that terrorists with hijacked airplanes could pose.

Nor does it simply point out the attacks against the World Trade Center in 1993...

...no, it actually name-drops Osama Bin Laden:

In retrospect, it's certainly spooky to watch this aspect play out––and if I know American cult film audiences, this will likely be the major reason the film will be remembered in the long run.

Only now does it occur to me... STAR WARS: DROIDS––TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET (1985)

Only now does it occur to me... I guess we're doing more of these, huh?  If you already read my thoughts on THE PIRATE AND THE PRINCE, then you know the score.

This is another feature-length fusion of four episodes of the mid-1980s animated series DROIDS. TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET is written by Ben Burtt (STAR WARS' iconic sound designer) and stars a character named Mungo Baobob who is basically Kenny Loggins and/or Jesus.

It takes cojones to name your protagonist "Mungo Baobob." He gets a solid "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration" moment
 
where he says he's "Mungo Baobab of the Baobab Merchant Fleet." This is *chef's kiss*-style good writing. Anyway.

Now, there is a hell of a lot going on here, and I only have the patience to scratch the surface. So, if you'll buckle up, here are ten bizarro minutiae from TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET.

#1. This is probably the most important. To the degree that people were pissed off when they learned that R2-D2 could fly in REVENGE OF THE SITH but never used that power before or since, they ought to be delighted that TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET reveals R2-D2 has been keeping his motherfuckin' breakdance moves a secret until now.


He puts some lukewarm alien calypso on the jukebox, apropos of nothing, and just starts busting moves. He's windmilling, he's jackhammering, he's moonwalking, he's poppin' his goddamn lid.





Really top-notch stuff. It's too bad George never licensed any STAR WARS spin-offs to Cannon Films.


#2. The plot. To the point at which random MacGuffins seasoned with a hearty dose of sci-fi technology can function as a genuine plot, I guess what we're looking at here is a treasure buried on a secret Sith planet



which is disguised by a massive dust cloud called "The Cloak of Sith." The only way to find it is to have C-3PO translate an ancient artifact/miniature pyramid thing


which can unlock the secret of the mysterious star system. If you haven't fallen asleep yet, you may note that this is almost exactly the nuts & bolts of the Exegol/Sith Wayfinder plot in J.J. Abrams' THE RISE OF SKYWALKER. Given that they took Kylo Ren/Kybo Ren from an old episode of DROIDS already, I think we can pretty much assume they lifted this wholesale.

#3. There's a moment where C-3PO's memory is about to be wiped, and his tormentor asks him what name he would like to be called by in his new iteration.


He stops just short of saying "Anthony Daniels," the actor who plays C-3PO (and who is voicing him here in the cartoon, as well).

#4. The Trouble with Tribble/Muppets. There's a subplot with alien creatures who are halfway between STAR TREK's Tribbles and the muppet aliens who sing "Mahna Mahna" on THE MUPPET SHOW.


This is mostly a device so we can see the answers to the questions "what would C-3PO look like in an ash-blonde wig?"

and "how well he would rock a beard?"

The answers are "not as good as you'd think," and "remarkably well," respectively.

#5. R2-D2 finally gets a medal. Most classic STAR WARS nerds' ire was directed at the fact that Chewbacca didn't get a medal at the end of A NEW HOPE, but R2-D2 really put his ass on the line, too, and hey, whaddya know, the little guy finally got one.

Of course it's for winning a horse/tauntaun/thing race, and not for getting his dome singed in the Battle of Yavin.

#6. Speaking of which, this pivotal race on so-called "rockhoppers" ends up being a unfortunately long-winded part of the story

and I'm fairly certain that it inspired both the "Fathier racetrack" in THE LAST JEDI


as well as the annoying, two-headed announcer from the extremely "wizard" podrace in THE PHANTOM MENACE:


So this is more, seemingly endless evidence of the outsize influence DROIDS played in the prequel and sequel trilogies. So weird.

#7. And love how they have R2-D2 astride this hot-dog space horse. How does he stay on there?

Really dignified stuff.


#8. The villains. We have the Imperial officer version of Doctor Claw on the one hand,

and on the other we basically have Oliver North-funded space Contras

who commit war crimes, atrocities, mind-flaying, etc.
 
Sort of a strange juxtaposition for a kids' cartoon, but, hey, it was the Reagan years. Gotta educate 'em on right-wing banana republics sometime.

Also there're Cthulhu priests wandering around here, too. The live-action version of this would be too disturbing for a PG rating, I'm sure.


#9. R2-D2 is always turning up new and increasingly phallic capabilities. Turns out he contains an entire 10-foot fire hose

for when you need to wash away the mud creatures tormenting C-3PO.


Spoiler alert: it's not

And a curiously-placed 3PO leash for when the golden boy is showing too much self-determination.




#10. An escalating circus of sexuality, the likes of which we haven't seen since SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE. As I've written previously, the DROIDS series seems dedicated to placing a lot of STAR WARS' sexual subtext directly into the "text."
 
Interesting aside: when a grotesque droid named LIN-D decides to make a play and mack on R2-D2

he quickly realizes his mistake, and consequently invites 3PO to the party as well.

But 3PO shuts it down outright, because 3PO don't swing:


Elsewhere, when they land on a snow planet, R2-D2 escalates the situation by immediately making some extremely suggestive spread-eagle snow angels

which prompts a scolding from 3PO:

That's it––it's canon now: when the Rebels first landed on Hoth before the events of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, R2 was exclusively doing this for months while they built Echo Base.


Finally, due to some fuzzy plotting and a "shrinking mirror"


R2 gets HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS'd. Naturally, C-3PO's first reaction is to 
toss him inside his empty (?!) abdominal cavity.

I've never been more confident that someone is getting off on this.

Anyway: DROIDS, ladies and gentlemen.