Television Review: MASTERS OF HORROR––"WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM" (2007, Tom Holland)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 57 minutes.

Tag-line: "I scream... you scream..."

Notable Cast or Crew: Based on a short story by John Farris (THE FURY).  Starring Lee Tergesen (WAYNE'S WORLD, OZ, GENERATION KILL), Willliam Forsythe (CLOAK AND DAGGER, EXTREME PREJUDICE, THE ROCK), Quinn Lord (TRICK 'R TREAT, Joe Dante's THE HOLE), Ingrid Tesch (REPLICANT, MVP: MOST VALUABLE PRIMATE), Colin Cunningham (BEST IN SHOW, THE SIXTH DAY), and Brett Kelly (BAD SANTA, TRICK 'R TREAT).  Executive produced by Mick Garris (THE SHINING '97, THE STAND '94).  Special makeup effects by Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger (DAY OF THE DEAD, ARMY OF DARKNESS, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN).  Directed by Tom Holland (FRIGHT NIGHT, FATAL BEAUTY, CHILD'S PLAY).

Best One-liner: "It's time for dessert... just dessert!"

 In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"Heya, bud."
–"What're we watching now?"
"MASTERS OF HORROR: WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM."
–"Oh, come on, I thought we were done with these."
"We're not done till I say we're done.  Come on, they're not all bad."
–"But now we're in the dregs.  We're in the dregs, man."
"Is Tom Holland the dregs?  Tom 'CHILD'S PLAY' Holland?  Tom 'FRIGHT NIGHT' Holland?"
–"Well... no.  But MASTERS OF HORROR doesn't really have the best track record.  I mean, Mick Garris is calling the shots."
"Yeah, but there's been some pretty good ones.  John Carpenter's CIGARETTE BURNS, Lucky McKee's SICK GIRL, John Landis' FAMILY...  plus, it finally brought together Dario Argento and Steven Weber under the same freaky flag!"
–"Okay, okay.  So how's WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM?"
"Erm... not too good."
–"Then why are we doing this?"
"Because we're completists, goddamit!  And because it's Halloween."
–"Fine.  So what's it about?"
"It's based on a short story by John Farris, but the shadow of Stephen King looms pretty large over this one.  Holland is no stranger to King, either– he adapted THE LANGOLIERS and THINNER, and is currently in pre-production on THE TEN O'CLOCK PEOPLE.  Anyway, the plot goes like this: nearly thirty years ago, a group of kids were involved in a traumatic event involving a clown.  Today, the last of the children returns home to his small town where the clown may or may not be back, attacking them one by one.  Did I mention that there's stuttering and vintage bullies as well?"
 
Vintage bullies.  Pretty frightening.  The one on the left is pretending to smoke, and yes, the one on the right is the kid from BAD SANTA.

–"Terrifying."
"Does any of this sound familiar to you?"
–"Uh... it's IT."
"Exactly.  And as our lead, they've cast Lee Tergesen, who definitely reminds me of Richard Thomas, the actor who played 'Stuttering Bill' in the 1990 miniseries of IT."

 Richard Thomas in IT.


Lee Tergesen in WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM.

 –"Well isn't that something?"
"Yeah.  Plus, CHRISTINE even shows up."

–"Wow."
"Unfortunately, all the Stephen King references in the world can't make this a great movie.  But it's still somewhat decent because of the killer clown."
–"Isn't that 'Killer Klown'?"
"Not in this instance."
 –"Wait... don't tell me... Tim Curry?"
"Nah, but nearly as good:  unhinged character actor extraordinaire William Forsythe.  He worked on a Tom Holland script previously, the dark 80s kiddie spy thriller CLOAK AND DAGGER.  But you may know him better for smokin' crack and scarin' Seagal in OUT FOR JUSTICE, stabbin' rats and killin' things in EXTREME PREJUDICE, or smackin' nuts and shootin' beer cans with an Uzi in STONE COLD."

–"Hot damn!"
"And that picture above is when he's the living, 'nice guy' clown.  See, Forsythe is so good, he can fluently deliver tear-jerkin' pathos or petrifyin' sadism– or, if need be, a combination of the two.  At first, he plays 'Buster the Friendly Clown'– a mentally disabled, ice cream truck-drivin' friend to children.  He's legitimately likable.  You'd trust your kids with this guy.  Theoretically.  Later, when he's 'Buster the Undead Revenge-Seeking Monster,' not so much.

–"AIEEE!"
"Yeah, Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero do a pretty good job with this one.  Elsewhere, people melt down like ice cream, and the effect is convincing:


 it reminds me of something out of FRIGHT NIGHT or EVIL DEAD.  But they must have run out of money along the way because what should be the show-stopping final effect is instead some pretty lazy CGI."
–"That's too bad."
"Eh."
–"Anything else?"
"Yeah, sure.  Like the horror classic HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, which incessantly plays a version of 'London Bridge is Falling Down' with the lyrics 'X more days to Hallo-ween, Hallo-ween, Hallo-ween...' etc., WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM repeats the eponymous song (in William Forsythe's creepy, a cappella drawl) over and over and over again."
–"Hey, I like HALLOWEEN III.  Don't you like it?" 
"No.  I love it.  But that's beside the point.  By the fiftieth time I heard "I scream, you scream, we all scream..." etc., I started wondering if I was wrong about the Stephen King pastiche."
–"Whaddya mean?"
"Since it was Tommy Lee Wallace who did the adaptation of IT and who directed HALLOWEEN III, and who did FRIGHT NIGHT PART 2, the sequel to the Tom Holland original, what if this thing is the world's first Tommy Lee Wallace pastiche?"
–"That's ridiculous."
"Yeah, you're right.  Two and a half stars."

–Sean Gill

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4.  EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002, Ellory Elkayem)

5. ...

Television Review: THE V WORD (2006, Ernest R. Dickerson)

Stars: 2.9 of 5.
Running Time: 59 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Michael Ironside. Written by Mick Garris. Co-starring Arjay Smith, Branden Nadon, and Jodelle Ferland (the little girl in the DEAD LIKE ME pilot and TIDELAND).
Tag-line: "From the director of TALES FROM THE CRYPT- DEMON KNIGHT."
Best one-liner: Ehh, not so much.

Well, I'm beginning Ironside week with an unlikely choice- a work that I don't particularly like outside of its Ironside performance- a Masters of Horror episode called THE V WORD. However, in a way, it's indicative of larger trends in Ironside's oeuvre: just because Ironside is in a movie does not mean that the movie will be good; but when a movie has got Ironside, IRONSIDE will be good. He'll be better than good- he'll be fucking fantastic. Award-worthy. And that's why he's got an entire week devoted to him and his work. Anyway, without further ado- THE V WORD:

Maybe the title is a reference to Michael Ironside's work on V? Otherwise, even knowing that "the V word" is "vampire," it still conjures a sort of 'VAGINA MONOLOGUES meets THE HUNGER on set of THE L WORD' vibe, when, in fact, it's a sort of poor man's Showtime retread of MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE. There aren't even any central female characters. In short, this is an generic, 'through the motions' bloodsucker that gets a shot in the arm (or the eye!) from an inspired, terrifying turn by Michael Ironside.

The writing is extraordinarily ham-fisted: within the first five minutes, there's blockheaded commentary on violent video games, race, AND the American family unit. Just as I wondered aloud "What greenhorn douche cake wrote this?!," Mick Garris' teleplay credit appeared on screen. Well, hoo boy, that explains a lot. Ernest R. Dickerson's (SURVIVING THE GAME, JUICE) direction is taut and workmanlike, but the script is so dumb, you kind of wonder, what's the point?

But then, up pops Ironside, literally, looking so fucking scary I dove beneath the couch.


One could posit that Ironside is the meaner, steelier Jack Nicholson; and, if that's true, then this is Ironside's 'other side of the mirror' Joker moment. Greg Nicotero's makeup has Ironside festering and ashen-faced (like he's dunked his head in spoiled milk), punctuated with a blood-soaked smile. Some character actors phone in their performances, but Ironside merely makes his labors seem effortless. He shambles around with a perverse, fearsome grin and a feral, frenzied leer.

And Ironside's vampire doesn't bite necks– he RIPS them apart with his bare hands and then drinks from the gaping wound.

DAMN!


Ironside is having a goddamned blast.


I wonder if he bit anybody for real.

And he manages to be this freaky while chasing around a couple of CW network-style numbnuts. And it's not really much of a *spoiler* to say that he gets a pretty nasty send-off.

Though it IS courtesy of said numbnuts. I'm reminded of the Eastwood vs. Bronson episode of RAWHIDE which ends with Bronson gunned down by some random milksop as Eastwood stands idly by.

Bravo, Mr. Ironside. You rose above your collaborators' mediocrity and made this a piece worth remembering.

(Also of note is the vampire POV “Blood-vision,” which is decidedly not as good as, say, PREDATOR-vision.)

Blood-vision in action.

Nearly three iron-sided stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 58 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Meat Loaf, John Saxon (ENTER THE DRAGON, TENEBRE, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET), music by Claudio Simonetti.
Tag-line: "Dario Argento: Director of Suspira, Opera, and Jenifer."

So, after the lackluster CARD PLAYER, the abysmal DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK?, and the pretty good but not-all-that Argentoish JENIFER, a lot of Argento fans didn't know what to expect from PELTS, his second stab at an episode for Showtime's MASTERS OF HORROR. Is it good? Debatable. But is it Argento? Unwaveringly yes! John Saxon of early Bava and TENEBRE? Check. Claudio Simonetti of GOBLIN doing the music? Check. Vaguely arthouse sleaze with a slight Eurotrash tinge? Check.

Bright primary colors artfully presented? Check. Love for animals and a belief in animal rights? Oh, my, yes. Check. Over-the-top ridiculous gore, the likes of which you may have never seen? Check, check, and double-check.



To the point of which you won't know whether to laugh or cry. The plot involves poetic justice in its most literal form, as sleazy fur-trapper MEAT LOAF desires some magical raccoon pelts to win the heart of a local stripper. But all who touch said pelts meet their end in fashions relating to the animals' demises or the pelts' conditionings.

So you'll see people's eyes sewn shut, their heads caught in traps, their abdomens gutted, their skulls bashed in, their hands gnawed off, and- in the film's final, epic, unbelievable gore setpiece- their bodies skinned alive. Argento has succeeded in creating the bloodiest, trashiest, most eccentric public service announcement for animal rights the world has ever seen. And I do believe that we're all the better for it. 'Fur Kills,' indeed.

-Sean Gill

2009 Halloween Countdown

31. PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
30. PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
29. HOUSE OF WAX (1953, André de Toth)
28. SILENT RAGE (1982, Michael Miller)
27. BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
26. THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983, Douglas McKeown)
25. PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)
24.
...

Film Review: THE BLACK CAT (2007, Stuart Gordon)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 58 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Jeffrey Combs.
Tag-lines: None.
Best one-liner: Anything with "Eddie" in it.

As a film, Stuart Gordon's THE BLACK CAT is a mixed bag. As a "Masters of Horror" episode, it's top-notch. THE BLACK CAT's been tackled by everyone from Argento to Fulci to Edgar Ulmer. There have been faithful adaptations, and there have been total reworkings that lose EVERYTHING except the title, and maybe an appearance by the eponymous feline (if we're lucky). How does Gordon's stack up? Pretty well.

The good: A. Jeffrey Combs. His performance is truly transformative. The man IS Poe. And it's not just the makeup and prosthetics- only fleetingly do you catch traces of the Jeffrey Combs we know and love beneath the tortured exterior.

And to think I'd just been saying that I'd love to see him play another drunk after CASTLE FREAK. B. The visuals. Gordon uses a muted color palette except for vivid blood-reds and sharp cat's eye-yellows. It looks great. C. Doing something new with the story, and making it relate to Poe's life. Though it steers hilariously close to YOUNG INDIANA JONES CHRONICLES when, for example, Poe's wife calls him "Eddie." (*It must be noted that he historically answered to the nickname Eddie, but that doesn't make this any less hilarious.)

The bad: I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Stu, could ya lay off the CGI? I'm not suggesting animal cruelty for a certain eye-gouging scene or an actual victim for the axe to the head, and I understand you're under time constraints for these gigs, but surely you could've done something with a puppet or prosthetics or SOMETHING. The CGI just really takes me out of the movie, and definitely moreso than stop motion or rockin' 80's makeup FX. (*It must also be noted that there's a lot of great traditional makeup FX in this episode, it's simply these two brief examples that took me out of the episode.)

And, also, I've seen so many adaptations at this point, it's SLIGHTLY difficult for me to get it up for THE BLACK CAT these days, but this version really makes me want to, so, I'd say if this at all sounds up your alley, you'll probably enjoy it.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: HOMECOMING (2005, Joe Dante)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 59 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Jon Tenney, Thea Gill, Robert Picardo
Tag-line: "If I had one wish...I would wish that your son could come back..."
Best one-liner(s): "We're lookin' for a few good men."

Joe Dante has been a purveyor of cogent social commentary since PIRANHA's government cover-ups and ROCK 'N ROLL HIGH SCHOOL's detonations of higher learning. He's does what genre pictures have done best since the 40's and 50's, whether pinko and red-baiting, exposing corruption, or celebrating/exploiting counterculture, B-movies have provided a terrifically unpretentious outlet for reactionary and radical views alike. So out of this tradition (and that of Romero's zombie films with their progressive, albeit nihilistic, commentaries) comes HOMECOMING, which in my opinion, takes these practices to an entirely new level. Dante pulls no punches in his analysis of everything from right-wing thinktanks (Karl Rove, Ann Coulter), Washington media (in frighteningly accurate depictions), rampant political hypocrisy, empty rhetoric, and the new, American flag pin-wearing definition of patriotism. The idea of American soldiers coming back from the dead to vote, the ridiculous spin placed upon it by the religious right (and a secondary spin when they realize exactly WHO they're voting for), and the collective supernatural rage of those who died for a lie has, despite its unearthly underpinnings, the ring of truth to it. And Dante handles it with a perfect, even-headed direction, pendulating between irreverence (a ridiculous Vietnam flashback plot twist and a comical "Spirit of '76" finale) and actual weight (undead veterans face a prejudice that I'm sure hits a little too close to home for real-life, discarded veterans). I believe that this is not only the kind of film that is timely and relevant in its moment, but, unlike films such as the higher-profile FAHRENHEIT 9/11, will continue to resonate as the years pass and the politicians' legacies (or lack thereof) crumble away. Hands down, this is the best Masters of Horror episode, and the only one I would recommend without reservation. Don't forget to vote today!

-Sean Gill