Only now does it occur to me... GLORY DAZE (1995)

Only now does it occur to me...  GLORY DAZE––who knew?  What I assumed was a Ben Affleck comedy in the vein of ENCINO MAN or BIO-DOME ended up being a quite thoughtful piece about the transition from college life to adulthood; it's a little more Baumbach's KICKING AND SCREAMING than ONE CRAZY SUMMER. Even more fascinating, this came from the mind of Rich Wilkes, the writer who most notably gave us AIRHEADS and xXx.


The story of a group of friends at a crossroads (Ben Affleck, Sam Rockwell, French Stewart, Vien Hong, and Vinnie DeRamus), GLORY DAZE may be cursed with an awful title, but it features many genuinely dramatic moments and a pervasive visual metaphor for post-college stasis: that of an errant dart tossed into a wall clock, obstructing the second hand, which ticks away uselessly. It's rather Gen-X and post-REALITY BITES in sensibility, but it always feels active and alive; its message is universal.

I also would go as far as to say that GLORY DAZE is second only to DAZED AND CONFUSED in terms of containing a Ben Affleck performance that does not actively annoy.

And with that haircut and goatee, that's saying a lot.

There are a lot of great bit parts, including Matthew McConaughey as "Rental Truck Guy," a crazed townie who may or may not be "Wooderson" from DAZED AND CONFUSED:

Right on, right on, right on...

Famed raconteur Spalding Gray (!) has a nice, nuanced bit as Affleck's dickish father:

RIP, Spalding––when the man was "on," he was on.

B-movie and Warhol legend Mary Woronov as the mother of Sam Rockwell's girlfriend during an awkward meet-and-greet at a graduation party:

I'm going to assume that her (unseen) husband is played by Paul Bartel.

John Rhys-Davies as a pompous professor (with a great deal of pathos) whose mentorship of French Stewart becomes a sympathetic look at how academia may not be for everyone:

Interesting to see Sallah caught up in the ivory tower––maybe Indiana Jones is rubbing off on him!

"Chenny" herself, Alyssa Milano, as a coed who doesn't really figure into the larger story; I think they just wanted a woman's face on the poster to disguise that this film is a full-on bro-fest (which is its only major weakness):

I could have done with a "Chenny goes to college" subplot where Schwarzenegger plays her overprotective father.

Cameos by Brendan Fraser and Leah Remini as a bus-riding couple who draw the ire of a depressed Ben (Sad)-fleck:

Maybe this movie has a little bit in common with ENCINO MAN.

And, finally, Matt Damon in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance as a dimwitted bro named "Pudwhacker":

Is this the impetus for the mentally disabled Matt Damon joke in TEAM AMERICA?

In the end, I was pleasantly surprised by this one; and in closing I'll recommend two additional "college comedies" that carry more resonance and sincerity than the genre usually affords: Andrew Fleming's THREESOME, which is 90s to the max, but a brilliantly executed character drama; and Richard Linklater's EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!!, which was buried earlier this year as a lesser-stoner comedy, but is in fact an extraordinary, meaningful slice of life in the vein of BOYHOOD or DAZED AND CONFUSED.

Only now does it occur to me... NOMADS

Only now does it occur to me... that 1980s bizarro arthouse fantasy-horror flick NOMADS (from director John McTiernan, whose work includes DIE HARD, PREDATOR, and LAST ACTION HERO) has––in addition to Pierce Brosnan doing a wonderfully ridiculous French accent–– some incredibly inspired and eclectic casting.

The eponymous band of nomads, who appear as post-apocalyptic 1980s biker punks straight out of CYBORG or ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, happen to include rocker Adam Ant:

singer Josie Cotton (of "Johnny, Are You Queer?"):

sinister character actor Frank Doubleday (who I've referred to as "John Carpenter's Klaus Kinski" after his appearances in ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK):

Alvin Ailey dancer and Cannon Films henchman Héctor Mercado (of DELTA FORCE 2 and DEATH WISH 4):
 
 and cult legend Mary Woronov (EATING RAOUL, ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL).

I would've liked to have seen Paul Bartel also dressed as an 80s punk biker.

Hell, we even have David Lynch's favorite granny Frances Bay as a terrifying nun.

On the whole, NOMADS is an atmospheric fantasy thriller that, I guess, does for anthropology what JURASSIC PARK did for paleontology?

In closing, I never thought I would see Mary Woronov dancing creepily to Ted Nugent guitar riffs as Pierce Brosnan tries to photograph her, in the name of science.

There is at least a Ph.D's worth of behavioral science in this tableau.

2015 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  SCANNERS (1981, David Cronenberg)

2.  MICHAEL IRONSIDE: MENTAL SABOTEUR (2014, Karen Stetler)

3. ...

Only now does it occur to me... BURYING THE EX

Only now does it occur to me... that I should probably offer, as a public service announcement, the casual advice to avoid––even if you are a Joe Dante completist, like myself––his latest offering, BURYING THE EX, a lazy zombie-romantic-comedy that's easily his worst ever theatrical feature.  I don't have the patience to go in depth, but it is a failure of screenwriting, and I do find respite in knowing that Dante has not lost his moxie––in the past ten years, HOMECOMING, THE SCREWFLY SOLUTION, and THE HOLE all are suffused with his lovely and manic energy, and, in particular, I'd put HOMECOMING up there with his finest work.

Additionally, I must rag on BURYING THE EX for deleting the legendary Mary Woronov's only scene and can only offer, as a consolation prize, a screen capture of the eighty-six year old Dick Miller as "Grumpy Cop," a character who gets all of forty-five seconds to mumble about how kids these days are all on meth.

It was good to see ya, Dick Miller––keep on truckin'!

In closing, if there is indeed a God, will you please, please, please let THE MAN WITH KALEIDOSCOPE EYES happen (an as-of-yet unproduced film that Dante has been kicking around for years, a behind-the-scenes biopic on the making of THE TRIP, with the characters of Roger Corman, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper, and Peter Fonda experimenting with LSD while they try to make the movie).  That is all.

Film Review: CANNONBALL! aka CARQUAKE (1976, Paul Bartel)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 90 minutes.

Tag-line: "The annual Trans-American outlaw road race– a cross-country demolition derby without rules!"

Notable Cast or Crew:  David Carradine (DEATH RACE 2000, CIRCLE OF IRON), Robert Carradine (REVENGE OF THE NERDS, BODY BAGS), Mary Woronov (ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, DEATH RACE 2000), Paul Bartel (EATING RAOUL, THE USUAL SUSPECTS), Dick Miller (GREMLINS, THE TERMINATOR), Gerrit Graham (USED CARS, THE PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE), Veronica Hamel (HILL STREET BLUES, HERE COME THE MUNSTERS), Bill McKinney (DELIVERANCE, EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE), Joe Dante (director of EERIE, INDIANA, GREMLINS), James Keach (Stacy's brother, FM, THE LONG RIDERS), Carl Gottlieb (writer of JAWS and THE JERK), Stanley Bennett Clay (ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, CLEOPATRA JONES), Louis Moritz (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, NEW YEAR'S EVIL).  Written by Bartel and Don Simpson (co-producer of THE ROCK, BAD BOYS, TOP GUN, FLASHDANCE).  Cinematography by Tak Fujimoto (THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE SIXTH SENSE).

Best One-liner:  In lieu of a one-liner, just imagine a car exploding.

After the success of DEATH RACE 2000, Roger Corman and New World Pictures wanted another car picture out of auteur/performer Paul Bartel, and so he submitted to them a project that would have been completely wonderful and astounding called... "FRANKENCAR."


Corman wouldn't spring for it, though, wanting something a little cheaper and more mainstream, especially in comparison to DEATH RACE 2000, whereupon men and women in cars that looked like dragons and cattle and gatling guns ran over pedestrians for sport.  Corman wanted a standard cross-country racing movie, and Bartel, deep in depression, feared he would be pigeonholed as an action director.  Despite it all, he grudgingly delivered his "car movie."

I put off watching CANNONBALL! for years, having heard mostly bad things and not wanting to tarnish my memories of DEATH RACE 2000.  However, having just seen it, I am happy to report that CANNONBALL! is great.  The material has been adequately Bartel-ized; it's dark, hilarious, insane, and it ends with a senseless pileup of cascading explosions that truly must be seen to be believed.


 Due to the final scenes alone, CANNONBALL! may very well have more per capita explosions than most Michael Bay movies, truly earning its alternate title of "CARQUAKE."  It's a fun, dumb, fast-paced time, and here are my nine favorite things about it:

#1.  The cross-country race/tournament aspect.  A forerunner to CANNONBALL RUN in title and content, I've always enjoyed movies that feature a motley crew of characters competing against each other for some zany prize.  Maybe it just reminds me of BLOODSPORT.  Would that make this not a kumite, but a carmite?

#2.  David Carradine.  In DEATH RACE 2000, they put him in a gimp costume and called him "Frankenstein."

That was pretty good.  Here, they tough him up by slipping him in moccasins and a salmon pink hoodie, with a bandana tied around his neck like an ascot.   
 
"Huh?" you ask.  "Hush up and just go with it," I say.


#3.  Robert Carradine.

The moral center of our film, pre-'REVENGE,' nerdy Carradine is likable and fun, hanging out with his girlfriend Belinda Balaski (a likable Joe Dante crony who's been in over a dozen of his films).  They're the classic "nice guys finish last" underdog team.


#4.  Mary Woronov.

It ain't a Bartel flick without Woronov!  In the past, I've referred to the two of them as the "demented 70s and 80s versions of Tracey and Hepburn."  She filmed all her scenes in one day and was reportedly miserable doing so (she didn't know how to drive a car, so they only used cutaways), but as the leader of a trio of waitresses who are tooling around in a van, she provides the proper spunk and bitchiness that this film needs.

I especially appreciate that she's busting shit up and driving through prefabricated homes... before the race even begins!

CARQUAKE!

#5.  The bizarre Yokel-mobile.  Here goes: one single car in the race plays home to Gerrit Graham ("Beef" from PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE) who's a successful country western star appropriately plucking an acoustic guitar throughout;

Judy Canova, notorious Old Hollywood yodeler and comedienne (this was her final film role); and Bill McKinney (Ned Beatty's rapist in DELIVERANCE!)

who is the central villain of the piece, a hateful asshole-type who is a hateful asshole merely for the sake of being a hateful asshole.  (Character motivation be damned!)

#6.  James Keach (Stacy's brother).

Here he delivers a ludicrous, one-note performance as a pipe-chomping German driver named Wolfe Messer who is always saying subtle German-y things like "YOU DUMMKOPF!"


#7.  Dick Miller.

Fulfilling the "it's technically not a movie from 70s if Dick Miller's not in it" rule, Dick Miller appears as Carradine's desperate gambler brother.  He gives a solid, typically Miller-ish performance, and I especially applaud the balls of casting him as Carradine's brother in a movie that already features Carradine's real-life half-brother.

#8.  Paul Bartel.

He casts himself as a priggish, turtleneck-addicted criminal kingpin who communicates to his cronies from behind a piano, singing fake Cole Porter.  Sounds about right.

#9.  A surprise appearance by Martin Scorsese and Sylvester Stallone as mobster associates of Bartel's character, who (very) briefly appear in a brief hangout session, eating KFC.


WHAAAAAAT?!

Four stars.

–Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROCK!

Only now does it occur to me...  that I'd ever get to see Mary Woronov try the very concept of Rock N' Roll in a kangaroo courtroom... and win!

Mary just wants to take away your rockin' tunes

And from whom does she want to take those rockin' tunes, you ask?  Try a wackified-solo dancing Renée Zellweger,

a "too cool for school" Howie Mandel (er, maybe make that "cool enough to actually be at school, if he was still of schooling age" Howie Mandel),

and 90s R&B outfit "For Real" (playing an up-and-coming girl band).

This quasi-prequel to the 70s cult classic ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL (steeped heavily in the influence of John Waters' HAIRSPRAY) tells the origin story of Woronov's fuddy-duddy 'Evelyn Togar' and was featured in the "90s does the 50s" series of TV movie sentitled REBEL HIGHWAY (which I more adequately describe here).

Everybody's quite likable, and like a lot of Arkush's output (GET CRAZY, HEARTBEEPS, CADDYSHACK II), it exudes a sense of fun even if it is fairly blockheaded most of the time (it doesn't really matter, though).  

Also of interest, Dick Miller (legendary character actor and Joe Dante/Roger Corman crony) reprises his role from ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL as a gruff but sympathetic cop

I swear, Dick Miller is in everything.

and P.J. Soles (the incomparably cheerful star of ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, CARRIE, and HALLOWEEN ) shows up as a mahjong-cheater and concerned mother from Mary Woronov's friend circle.

P.J. Soles: excited to be here.  Also, missing her hat.

Continuing on with the Rock N' Roll street cred is Gerrit Graham, who notably played "Beef" in Brian de Palma's glam-rock-horror-musical spectacular PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE.

Here he plays a nerdy television producer who's all-too-susceptible to the phoned-in complaints of uptight parents.

And I must repeat for those who may not know– the aforementioned Mary Woronov is one of the greatest cult actresses of all time, and a wayward muse for figures as disparate as Andy Warhol and Roger Corman, not to mention the best bud and screen partner of Paul Bartel (together they became the demented 70s and 80s' equivalent of Tracey and Hepburn).

She has a tremendous amount of fun here, banning books in the school library like CATCHER IN THE RYE, INVISIBLE MAN, and THE NAKED AND THE DEAD, and being an all-around stick-in-the-mud– obviously the complete opposite of her natural character.

Speaking of books, I must take a moment to plug hers, because I don't believe I've yet done so:  it's called SWIMMING UNDERGROUND, and it outlines her life experiences upon entering the New York/Warhol scene in the 60s and the many hilarious/terrifying/absurd tales therein.  I highly recommend it, along with her greatest filmic hits, like EATING RAOUL and DEATH RACE 2000.

In closing, this movie's certainly not the best in the world, but if you're at all invested in ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, the REBEL HIGHWAY series, or simply the abundant use of cult and character actors, you'll find a lot to like here.

Film Review: MORTUARY ACADEMY (1988, Michael Schroeder)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Tag-line: "Where the dearly departed meet the clearly retarded."
Notable Cast or Crew: Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov, Christopher Atkins, Perry Lang, Anthony James, Tracey Walter, Wolfman Jack, Cesar Romero, Stoney Jackson (STREETS OF FIRE, ROLLER BOOGIE). Directed by Michael Schroeder (CYBORG 2, CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER; assistant director on LAMBADA, HIGHLANDER 2!).
Best one-liner: "I haven't seen this much blood since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be his cell-block bride!"

Now, MORTUARY ACADEMY is nowhere near as terrific as EATING RAOUL, but it comes far closer than I ever could have suspected. I had been extremely disappointed by LUST IN THE DUST (which Paul Bartel directed, but didn't write), so I didn't know what to expect from a largely derided film (that he wrote but didn't direct), but as it turns out, my reservations were completely unfounded. This movie is ludicrous, and it works because it serves, straight up, a big dollop of what we really want- which is a shitload of Paul and Mary (Woronov).


Like a bizarro Tracy and Hepburn for 70's and 80's, my only complaints about any of their collaborations center on them not being the absolute center of attention. But worry not- they're front and center here. Using tropes from the likes of POLICE ACADEMY and MOVING VIOLATIONS, this film is far from original, but its brilliance lies in the details- the best jokes are nearly hidden: dubbed in the background or off-handedly tossed aside, only to sink in a moment later. Paul and Mary play 'Paul' and 'Mary,' nefarious administrators of a mortuary academy, scheming to keep sibling heirs Christopher Atkins (THE PIRATE MOVIE) and Perry Lang (ALLIGATOR) from passing their classes and inheriting the mortuary (was SIX FEET UNDER inspired by this?).

Christopher Atkins- still fresh-faced and full of vim and vigor despite the embarrassments of THE PIRATE MOVIE. I really respect that.


Paul nefariously consoles Perry Lang.

Paul wears that smoking jacket he wears in every movie, and Mary wears enough shoulder pads and leopard-print to satisfy her die-hards.

Formaldehyde is used as champagne, Paul romances a corpse:


I can't tell if Paul Bartel makes this more creepy or less creepy than it ought to be.

an ex-con (an awesomely terrifying Anthony James- 'Skinny' in UNFORGIVEN) exclaims "I haven't seen this much blood since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be his cell-block bride!"

and Tracey Walter (REPO MAN, SOMETHING WILD) strides in just to prove beyond reasonable doubt that this is, indeed, a cult movie.

(And he's doing Frankenstein-ian experiments in robotics and dead tissue, no less.) There's cameos by Wolfman Jack and Cesar Romero, an undead, animatronic horror band called "Radio Werewolf," and by now you should be able to tell if this is your cup of tea or not.

For a movie which I expected to be Zany with a capital 'Z' and (fastforward-ably?) unbearable, I was very pleasantly surprised. I suppose I shouldn't have underestimated the sheer animal power of Bartel and Woronov. Four stars.

-Sean Gill