Only now does it occur to me... POINT OF NO RETURN (1993)

Only now does it occur to me... that John Badham's lukewarm remake of LA FEMME NIKITA contains a romantic scene that was surely intended to be as iconic as the pasta slurping from THE LADY AND THE TRAMP or at least the food montage from 9 1/2 WEEKS––but instead, it lands about as well as the "Sexy V8" sequence from NINJA III: THE DOMINATION. To set the scene: as in LA FEMME NIKITA, Bridget Fonda plays a junkie turned assassin who's looking for a human connection. She makes one with "90s nice guy" Dermot Mulroney, who picks up one of her off-brand Chef Boyardee ravioli cans after she drops it in the grocery.

This, naturally, leads to a dinner, whereupon, like Constance Leonore Gielgud in TROLL 2, she decides that the best seduction tactic is to take the generic canned ravioli and feed it to Mulroney with her mouth.









I especially love the look of "discount marinara-sauce clown mouth" satisfaction afterward.

While on the whole it can't touch its progenitor NIKITA, there's a few things to like (or be fascinated by) here, like the muscular Hans Zimmer score with Enya-esque wailing; a bit part by Miguel Ferrer:

(who is essentially playing it as if Bob Morton survived ROBOCOP and took his job more seriously); Anne Bancroft as the mistress of "Assassin Charm School" (a role played by Jeanne Moreau in the original):
 
and finally, Harvey Keitel as the Terminator-esque badass The Cleaner,

a role perfected by Jean Reno in the original, but given an even more ominous (and overtly villainous) twist by Harvey Keitel, who is always welcome, no matter the context.

Only now does it occur to me... THE FIFTH ELEMENT

Before I post the final installment of "John Larroquette Week," I would like to take a short break in order to razz THE FIFTH ELEMENT a little bit, for no reason in particular.

Only now does it occur to me...  that THE FIFTH ELEMENT can't decide whether it's trying to be:

A. BLADE RUNNER 

(See, we've got Police Spinners and Brion "Wake up, time to die" James–

now simply imagine Harrison Ford's Rick Deckard dressed in an open-backed neon orange tank top

and when he needs to swoop you in his arms and save the day, said arms will be clad in mesh arm-stockings purchased from the raver section of Hot Topic:

Which leads me to...)

B.  A Sci-Fi Channel original movie directed by a Euro Club Kid

 

  

(Hell, the police cruisers even have glow-sticks hanging from their rearview mirrors!)

C.  an episode of IN LIVING COLOR 

(I'm imagining Damon Wayans in the Willis role, Rosie Perez instead of Milla Jovovich,

 

 Chris Tucker can probably stay, and then maybe....

 Jim Carrey as Gary Oldman?)

A., B., or C.?  You decide.  Truly every one's a winner!

Also, "Tiny" Lister is the President of the United States of America.

And all is suddenly right in the world.  Carry on!