Film Review: COLLISION COURSE (1989, Lewis Teague)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "Not So Much A Lethal Weapon, More Of A Liability!"

Notable Cast or Crew: Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, BLOODSPORT 2), Jay Leno (SILVER BEARS, AMERICAN HOT WAX, THE TONIGHT SHOW), Chris Sarandon (THE PRINCESS BRIDE, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: BORDELLO OF BLOOD), Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, THE MONSTER SQUAD), Ernie Hudson (GHOSTBUSTERS, THE CROW), Al Waxman (CLASS OF 1984, MEATBALLS III: SUMMER JOB), Dennis Holahan (HALLOWEEN II, KUFFS), Soon-Tek Oh (DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN, MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING), Randall "Tex" Cobb (RAISING ARIZONA, BLIND FURY), Richard Gant (ROCKY V, "Hostetler" on DEADWOOD).  Music by Ira Newborn (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, SIXTEEN CANDLES, WISE GUYS).  Directed by Lewis Teague (CAT'S EYE, CUJO).

Best One-liner: "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!"

In a familiar, darkened alley, two Thunderbird-swilling cineastes make small-talk:

–"I'm bored.  Whatcha got for me?"
"Here's a philosophical question.  What's better than watching a train wreck?"
–"I don't know.  Is that a trick question?"
"What about the moment of anticipation, right before the train wreck?"
–"Okay..."
"When the train is on course to collide with something.  A "COLLISION COURSE," if you will."
–"Where are you going with this?"

"Alright.  What I got here, is a big, dumb, character actor-heavy buddy cop movie in the tradition of such classics as RUNNING SCARED, V.I. WARSHAWSKI, and FATAL BEAUTY.  It stars Jay Leno and Pat Morita.  Interested?"
–"Keep goin'.  I'm gonna need more than that."
"Well it's kind of a East-meets-West, fish-out-of-water story where Motor City cop Jay Leno  becomes begrudging partners with Pat Morita of Tokyo PD after a Japanese businessman is murdered over the design of a car prototype, which leads to plenty of villains shouting things like 'WHERE IS THE PROTOTYPE?!' and it's also personal, because an old ex-cop buddy of Leno's was murdered by the same prototype-seeking bad guys.  Also, I'd bet you anything Leno agreed to do this based on his unhealthy love of custom cars alone."

–"It sounds mediocre, like a second-tier RED HEAT.  I need to know more."
"What?!  How much more do you need?"
–"I don't know.  If I'm going to watch a movie with Jay Leno in it, I'm probably going to need at least thirteen reasons."

"Alright.  Easy peasy Leno squeezy."
–"Please never say that again."
"Fine.  #1.  How 'bout DEATH WISH 4's Soon-Tek Oh as Morita's no-nonsense boss in Tokyo, who's always coming down hard on him for bein' an action-luvin' hot-dog of a cop?"

–"You're leading with Soon-Tek Oh?  This movie hasn't got a chance."
"When did you become so picky?  And besides, Soon-Tek is the man.  He was on AIRWOLF, THE A-TEAM, he's in MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING...  not to mention GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK, NIGHT GALLERY, T.J. HOOKER..."
–"Okay, I'm sorry."
"You should be.  Ready for #2?  Here it comes: Chris Sarandon."

–"WHAT?!  But also, I don't really like that 'stache."
"Too bad!  You think he cares?  Sarandon's the big villain of the piece, but he's built a persona of respectability where he hands out giant checks to underprivileged youths."

–"He sounds like a ROBOCOP antagonist."
"That's not too far off the mark.  And that ain't a bad thing, either.  He's sort of phonin' it in, but every once in a while he does something fantastic, like beating a man about the head and neck with a napkin.  That's #3, by the way."




–"I was about to tell you it wasn't fair to use Sarandon for two different slots, but I have to admit that's a thing of beauty."
"Yup."
–"Wait, who is that, off to the right, looking vaguely uneasy about the napkin-beating?  He looks familiar..."
"Ohhhhhh yeah.  #4.  Tom motherluvin' Noonan!

He's here to occupy that 'villain's right-hand-man' spot, like Gary Busey in LETHAL WEAPON or Alexander Godunov in DIE HARD.  And he's playin' it weird."
–"What do you mean?"
"Imagine a kind of three-way cross between his blood-curdling 'Francis Dolarhyde' in MANHUNTER, Mr. Rogers, and an 80s prep school bully."
–"I don't think I can."
"I can show you better than I can tell you.  It's a clip called 'Tom Noonan's Quiet Menace.'"
–"I'm so scared."
"You should be.  Cause, #5, Noonan's got his own rocket launcher, too."

–"That's surely not worth it's own number.  Isn't that a given?"
"Lemme rephrase that:  #5, Noonan's got his own rocket launcher pistol."
–"Okay, you win.  You win everything."
"And feast your eyes on #6:  Leno's partner (before Pat Morita shows up) is none other than ghostbustin' Ernie Hudson."

–"I love Ernie Hudson!"
"Sadly, they don't give him much to do.  He has an action scene and a half before being relegated to 'the friend our hero calls for occasional favors and advice' duty.  It's sad, really, and a waste of Ernie Hudson.  One of the few sins this movie commits."
–"I've always been a GHOSTBUSTERS II man, myself."
"Of course you are.  Now, are you ready for the heavy stuff?  #7.  Social commentary."

–"Huh?"
"Yes sir:  this movie makes an occasionally earnest effort to say... something.  It's rarely sure what that is, exactly.  But it shows the decay of Rust Belt-era Detroit, and says 'that's a shame.'  It says, this city used to be proud of itself. It shows the resentment toward Asians and Asian auto manufacturers in a post-Vincent Chin world, even if it's masked by bad karate and Chop Suey jokes.  It reveals actual racial tensions, then grows uncomfortable with itself and drowns them in zany synth music and one-liners like "I oughta stir fry your face!"  So nobody's going to really draw any greater meaning from this movie, but as a document of 80s Detroit– forsaken by Big Auto and Big Money and thrown to the wolves– it might carry some kind of historical value.  I don't know."
–"You're kind of depressing me, man.  I had a buzz going."
"Ooookay.  Uh, how 'bout #8:  Jay Leno gets the drop on his quarry and delivers the following one-liner:

"Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!"

–"Awful.  And brilliant!"
 "#9.  The cat-and-mouse game between Leno and Morita before they realize they're both actually on the same side.  It involves both Leno hiding behind that "Get Well Soon" standby: a tiny balloon attached to what is essentially a glorified straw.  I suppose the joke is that his enormous chin is ill-concealed by the tiny balloon, which is not quite a joke, really, but I that's the sort of back-asswards comedic sensibility that makes this movie work.

Also, Pat Morita tries to hide himself inside a garment bag which is terrific.  I mean, look at this:
 
 it's a loopy kind of brilliance that simply doesn't exist outside an 80s action-comedy."
 –"I like it.  What next?"
"#10.  The awkward, drawn-out scene where Leno and Morita become true buddies for the first time.  It involves polishing off a box of KFC and an entire bottle of 12 year Chivas Regal and the repeated toast, 'Banzai!'  The pacing is seriously weird, even for a movie as uneven as this one.


Though I suppose we should be happy with the result, which is a hungover Jay Leno waking up underneath his coffee table

and smacking his head with tremendous force."
–"I like the sound of that."
"So you'll love the sound of #11: Scrappy L'il Pat Morita.  He knocks muggers unconscious with garbage pail lids

and bites the ankles of beefy henchmen.

It's all the lowdown, dirty action you always wanted in the KARATE KID movies but never got."
–"I feel like a kid on Christmas."
"You should.  But that's not all there is to his character– there's a touching scene where Jay Leno sends him to the dance floor in a BBQ restaurant so he can steal his ribs, or something,

but the joke is on Leno because Morita's having the time of his life flirting with the locals and throwing his hands in the air, waving them like he doesn't care, etc., etc...

That's #12, I suppose.  I haven't seen anybody that dignified rock that hard since David Warner did to Vanilla Ice in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE."
–"Fair enough.  So what's #13?"
"I saved the best for last.  So it's the grand finale.  (Spoilers are about to be unleashed, if you think that matters for a movie like COLLISION COURSE.)  Jay Leno's wounded.  He's been shot in the lower buttock.  Pat Morita's trying to help him.  Jay's pulling the 'ole melodramatic 'Go on without me...' bit.  Just then, Chris Sarandon shows up in his luxury automobile, ready to run 'em down like dogs at the far end of a dead end alley. 

I mean, just look how happy he is.  But instead of turnin' tail while Chris tries to go all CHRISTINE on him, Pat Morita makes a stand, running at the vehicle with the confident élan of a Medieval jouster.

He launches himself into the air (er... at the blue screen, rather)

And, well.... perhaps I'd better just show you the splendorous result:
–"Sweet mother of mercy!"
"Yeah."
–"My God."
"Yeah."
–"I just watched it...  forty times."
"That's how it's meant to be watched, my friend."
–"You... were right... about a... Jay Leno movie..."
"I guess hell must have frozen over.  Wanna give AMERICAN HOT WAX a try?"
–"You know... I think I'd better not press my luck."

–Sean Gill


P.S.– COLLISION COURSE is directed by one of my favorites, Lewis Teague, who did ALLIGATOR, CAT'S EYE, CUJO, WEDLOCK, and NAVY SEALS.  It occurred to me just now that there's a  weird connection between Lewis Teague and fellow 80s maestro Todd Holland- both did multiple Stephen King adaptations, one weirdo buddy cop movie in the late 80's, lots o' horror flicks, and worked with Chris Sarandon.  Kinda weird.  Or maybe not.

Film Review: CAT'S EYE (1985, Lewis Teague)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 94 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  James Woods (VIDEODROME, VAMPIRES), Candy Clark (AMERICAN GRAFFITI, THE BLOB), Drew Barrymore (E.T., GUNCRAZY), Kenneth McMillan (DUNE, RUNAWAY TRAIN), Alan King (CASINO, THE ALAN KING SHOW), Robert Hays (AIRPLANE!, FIFTY/FIFTY), James Rebhorn (THE GAME, INDEPENDENCE DAY), Charles S. Dutton (SURVIVING THE GAME, ALIEN 3), James Naughton (THE PAPER CHASE, THE FIRST WIVES CLUB).  Produced by Dino De Laurentiis.  Music by Alan Silvestri (BACK TO THE FUTURE, PREDATOR).  Cinematography by Jack Cardiff (THE AFRICAN QUEEN, THE RED SHOES).

Tag-line: "Through the eye of the cat, a twisted tail of macabre suspense from the author of CARRIE, THE SHINING, and THE DEAD ZONE."  That's a mouthful.

Best one-liner:  "YOU FLYING SHIT HOUSE!"

CAT'S EYE is an omnibus horror flick, which longtime fans of this site will note is one of the best horror subgenres to watch with friends on a Saturday night.  This genre brought us CREEPSHOW, CREEPSHOW 2, TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE, TRILOGY OF TERROR, TWO EVIL EYES, THE TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE, and plenty of lesser fare like TRAPPED ASHES, and several others that ought not even to be named (CREEPSHOW III– shit, I said it!).  Some years ago, back when I wrote reviews on Netflix, I chose to tackle the beauty and complexity of CAT'S EYE.

I had a limited word count, and it went something like this:

There's so much to say about this sprawling epic, but since I don't have a lot of space, I'm going to center my comments on two aspects  of the film which merit discussion: the cat's performance, and the closing credit music "Cat's Eye" by Ray Stevens of the Village People.  First off, the cat delivers a first-rate,  nuanced performance, the best in the film.  No small feat considering James Woods and Candy Clark are two of the cat's co-stars.  Now before you assume I'm joking, I challenge you to watch the movie and say otherwise– this cat is gonna blow your mind.  The cat is a veritable powerhouse.  And the cat is uncredited.  Nowhere on the internet can I find any information about this cat or its career, and words can't do justice with what the cat manages to do with a basically non-written role.  

Finally, Ray Stevens' closing credits music "Cat's Eye" begins with perhaps the finest intro to any pop song of the 80s.  There's no way that any song can live up to that intro.  And, of course, the song doesn't.  But it's still pretty damn good.  And the lyrics shed some light on a few of the more obscure plot points, so if you choose to reflect on the film you've just seen during the end credits, like I do, you'll find it a lovely counterpart to your post-film musings and ruminations.

Obviously, I didn't have enough space to properly discuss CAT'S EYE, but I certainly don't disagree with my past self.  In fact, now, with the benefit of screen captures, I can show you the exquisite nuances of the Cat's  (named "General" in the movie) performance.  Here, General demonstrates existential longing:

Here, General demonstrates curiosity and apprehension:

Here, General demonstrates making out with a pre-teen Drew Barrymore, which frankly makes me kind of uncomfortable.


Sure, it's presented as a Gotcha! moment where you're expecting the cat to crawl up and start stealing her breath or something, and then you're relieved to find out that it's only kissing her, but then again, I'm not sure that cat-kisses were necessarily the best-case outcome for a scenario such as this one.  I digress.

Director Lewis Teague made a career out of drawing terrific performances out of animals.  Cujo in CUJO, the alligator and alligator puppets in ALLIGATOR, etc., etc.  Hell, Cujo even makes a cameo appearance in this film:

As does Christine the Plymouth Fury, who's driven straight out of the John Carpenter film and now outfitted with bumper stickers that proudly proclaim "Rock n Roll will never die!"  and "Watch out for me.  I am Pure Evil.  I am CHRISTINE."

Before I get ahead of myself, let's talk about the film's structure.  The frame story concerns the eponymous cat and his journey from New York City to Atlantic City to Wilmington, NC [side note:  Wilmington was Dino De Laurentiis central (i.e., BLUE VELVET) and home to such King adaptations as MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, SILVER BULLET, THE NIGHT FLIER, and FIRESTARTER)] ostensibly in search of multiple-part playing Drew Barrymore who is in desperate need of his assistance.  On his way, he passes through– and plays a small part in– a few tales of mystery and imagination ("Quitters, Inc." and "The Ledge") before meeting up with Drew and starring in "The General."  It's not as good a frame story as Tom Atkins' EC-comic-hatin' father in CREEPSHOW, but I'm willing to go with it. 

Then the whole thing is shot by Jack Cardiff, one of the finest cinematographers to ever work in the medium– and the range of his credits is extraordinary.  He did Technicolor classics like THE RED SHOES and THE AFRICAN QUEEN and BLACK NARCISSUS and Hitchcock's UNDER CAPRICORN.  He shot big budget 80's muscle-bulging trashterpieces like CONAN THE DESTROYER and RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II.  And then he directed films such as the madness that is GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE or the rough n' tumble actioner that is DARK OF THE SUN.  And here we got 'im on CAT'S EYE.  Pretty terrific.

Anyway, the first tale is "Quitters, Inc." from the first King story collection, NIGHT SHIFT.  Though published under King's name, it's more of a 'Richard Bachman'-style tale (King's pseudonym for a series of novels that were stripped down, grittier, meaner, and more nihilistic versions of King's mainline work).  Without giving too much away, this tale stars James Woods as a smoker looking to quit.  On the recommendation of a friend, he engages the shadowy corporation "Quitters, Inc." to assist him – without realizing to what lengths they'll actually go to make sure he kicks the habit.  

 

It feels a lot like David Fincher's 90s thriller THE GAME, and curiously enough, both co-star classic "that guy!" actor James Rebhorn.

Pictured here in a hallucination.

Anyway, since I don't want to spoil the major twists, I'll point out a few of my favorite things from this segment.

#1.  Smarmy James Woods.

Smarmy James Woods was really hitting his stride in the early-to-mid 80s.  Truly one of the great sleazemasters of his– or any other– era.  Even when he's our protagonist, you can still see the trails of slime he leaves behind.

#2.  The Kronenberg Konnection.

 

At one point, James Woods sits at home watching TV in a nicotine-deprived, scotch-soaked, glass-eyed stupor, and what is on television but David Cronenberg's adaptation of THE DEAD ZONE!  For the uninitiated, two years prior, James Woods starred in Cronenberg's VIDEODROME, a masterful showcase of smarmy Woods featuring mind-altering television programming.  Anyway, he briefly complains about the quality of the programming, and the entire moment warms the hearts of VIDEODROME die-hards everywhere.

#3.  Unnecessary violence toward golf bags.

 

While fearing that intruders have infiltrated his home, Woods grabs a bludgeon and whips open a closet door.  Out pops a bag full of golf clubs which lands on the floor with a thud.  After the bag has been fully visible and well lit for a good second or two, he begins pounding on it and lands two serious blows at a point when anybody shy of blindness would clearly see that it was an inert, harmless golf bag.   I found this to be hilarious.

THWACKK

#4.  Taunts from tray of deviled eggs.

'Nuff said!

#5.  The line "Forget the cat, you hemorrhoid!"  Gotta love Mr. King's occasionally misguided attempts at local patois.

The next tale is "The Ledge," also culled from NIGHT SHIFT.  This, too, feels more like a Bachman tale as it trafficks in sadistic gangsters rather than the supernatural.  It even features a henchman named Westlake, referencing the hardboiled writer Donald Westlake who wrote under the pen name Richard Stark (among others).  King references Westlake again in the novel THE DARK HALF (which deals with the emotional fallout after his outing as Bachman) with a writer character who pens pulp fiction under the name "George Stark."

Anyway, a gangster who loves to gamble (Kenneth McMillian, who played Baron Harkonnen in Lynch's DUNE)

catches his wife stepping out with a washed-up tennis player (Robert Hays of the AIRPLANE! series), and makes him a wager:  he'll grant the missus her divorce and let Hays have her if he can make his way around the entirety of the treacherous exterior ledge of his penthouse.  Otherwise, Hays will be set up on a bogus drug possession charge and go to prison for a decade.  The tennis player decides to give it a go, and there you have it:  straightforward stakes, a simple premise- a wiry potboiler with no ambition other than to land you a couple of mean-spirited, tawdry thrills.

The ledge effects possess a strange disconnect (filmed in a studio) which for me only amplifies their effectiveness.  Like all the segments, it's got an oddly-inappropriate-to-the-point-where-it-works sense of humor, and my favorite moments involve the dick moves perpetrated against our hero, like the douchey élan with which McMillan blasts Hays with a fire hose or distracts him with a bicycle horn

or this total asshole pigeon who peck-peck-pecks at your ankles just when you're at your most vulnerable.

Said pigeon also receives feathery and spit-take worthy comeuppance with a hearty kick and the poetry of:

"YOU FLYING SHIT HOUSE!"
Amen, Mr. King!

The final segment, "General," was written specifically for the film (and for the talents of the FIRESTARTER herself, Drew Barrymore).  It's your classic crowd-pleasing l'il creepy creature piece, drawing some degree of inspiration from Richard Matheson's brilliant "Prey," otherwise known as the Zuni Fetish Doll Segment from TRILOGY OF TERROR.

This segment is pretty spectacular, and it concerns primarily the efforts of a breath-stealing troll to terrorize Drew Barrymore.  General intercedes, but draws the ire of Mom (Candy Clark) and the exasperation of Dad (James Naughton) who believe the stray cat to be the cause of the late-nite shenanigans. 

The troll effect is terrific, employing SFX practical effects and occasionally a little person in a suit amid huge sets- it's in turns dreamlike and silly, and it works wonderfully.

Candy Clark gets to chew some scenery as she stuffs our hero cat in a cardboard box and exclaims "Your bird killing days are over, my friend!"

But the final showdown between General and the Troll is what truly takes the cake.  Crayons are hurled like javelins, backflips are employed, and a roller skate is used as a weapon and a mode of conveyance.  I also can safely say that I never in my life expected to see a cat dueling an evil gnome atop a child's record player as a terrible cover of The Police's "Every Breath You Take" plays in triple-time, chipmunk voices and everything!

It's also worth mentioning that this is the second time in the film that this particular Police cover gets a workout.  Way to be cost effective, Dino!

Anyway, the film ends, and then that majestic song, referenced earlier, washes over you as you contemplate the finer nuances of CAT'S EYE.   And because I could not find the lyrics poetry anywhere online, I shall print them here, for posterity:

I didn't know
I was under your spell
I couldn't know
There was no way to tell
I took a step
I slipped I fell
I didn't know whyyyyy

Deep in the dark it was too hard to see
That in the night it had come over me
Ha!
Just stole my soul
Imprison me
With your cat's eye

Cat's eye
How you caught me unaware
Cat's eye
How you hold me in your stare
Cat's eye
Want to hide but tell me where
Cat's eye
You got me spellllllbound
 Cat's eye
How you stole my breath away
Cat's eye 
How you cut me night and day
Cat's eye
I can never get away
Cat's eye 
I'm spelllllllbound

It's like a dream only when do I wake
Can't even scream every breath that I take
Belongs to you what can I do
Why should I tryyyyyyy

I look around like a boy in a trance
You pull the strings I'm a puppet I dance
You're holding me eternally
In your Cat's eye

Cat's eye 
Took my heart with just a look
Cat's eye
Every stare is like a hook
Cat's eye 
Just one look is all it took
Cat's eye
Made me spelllllbound
Cat's eye 
How you stole my breath away
Cat's eye 
How you cut me night and day
Cat's eye
I can never get away
Cat's eye
I am spellllllllbound...



Four stars.


-Sean Gill