Only now does it occur to me... THE BEACH

Only now does it occur to me... that you're probably thinking THE BEACH is an unusual pick for my Halloween Countdown.  However, I think that if we begin tossing words around like "(Entitled Hippie) Horror Beach Party" or "Jungle Faux-hemian Cult," or "Man-Eats-Shark, Shark-Eats-Man Attack," you might begin to see what I mean.  In any event, the fascists over at 20th Century Fox wouldn't let me upload a YouTube video entitled "Leonardo DiCaprio's Master's Class in Acting, Volume 1: THE BEACH," even though it was extremely educational and a benefit to society at large.  Instead, you'll have to settle for some screen captures and my vivid descriptions, sans context.

SEE!  DiCaprio leap out from behind a palm frond and hiss at a doomed woman with the ferocity of a rabid mongoose:



HISSSSSSSSSSSSS-HCCCCCAHHH!

BEHOLD! DiCaprio enunciating bizarre and inappropriate syllables while he explains that

 

"As for climbing down there, that is just an...

...ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSHOLE...

SUG-GEST-TION!"

BEAR WITNESS! To DiCaprio channeling his existential ennui (less like LORD OF THE FLIES and more like "BORED OF THE FLIES" amirite?) into believing he's living a low-rent 1990s arcade game,

complete with bad video-pixelation and a generic "jungle danger" concept,

although we do get to watch a giant, face-huggin' spider go to town on DiCaprio's head,

till it's GAME OVER, man!

I for one, welcome THE BEACH into the horror canon.

2015 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  SCANNERS (1981, David Cronenberg)

2.  MICHAEL IRONSIDE: MENTAL SABOTEUR (2014, Karen Stetler)

3.  NOMADS (1986, John McTiernan)

4.  THE STUFF (1985, Larry Cohen)

5. ...

Only now does it occur to me... THE QUICK AND THE DEAD

Only now does it occur to me... that the first time Sharon Stone produced a vanity project (this was her first-ever producer credit) she chose a Western mash-up of UNFORGIVEN and BLOODSPORT.

Written by Simon West (best known to readers of this site for his twisted fairy tale adventure THE 10TH KINGDOM) and script-doctored by Joss Whedon, THE QUICK AND THE DEAD is revenge tale told from beneath the shadow of ONCE UPON A TIME WITH WEST, but with the trappings of UNFORGIVEN.

[Gene Hackman essentially plays "Little Bill" once more, although this time he shamelessly phones in his performance.

Also, a criminally under-used Lance Henriksen is our stand-in for Richard Harris' "English Bob," but more on that in a minute.]

The aforementioned revenge is sought during a gunfighting contest, which is set up, tournament-style and with plenty of montages, almost exactly like the Kumite in BLOODSPORT.  Though directed with stylistic panache by Sam Raimi (a Raimi Western?!––hey, at least it's got "dead" in the title), it's never quite as good as it ought to be, and for a movie lined wall-to-wall with Leone-style duel scenes, it's rarely exciting.  A "too much of a good thing" scenario of there ever was one. 


A few small observations:

#1. Mopey Sharon Stone.  I don't know why, but when actors produce their own vanity projects, they usually make sure that they get to do plenty o' mopin'.  They want as much screen-time as possible to knead their brows and get that sad, faraway look in their eyes.



This is a Revenge-Gunfighting-Kumite movie for godssake, and Sharon Stone is over here patronizing the audience and jonesin' for an Oscar.  They should've just had Charlize Theron do it.


#2.  Big stars for cheap!  There's a pre-TITANIC and ROMEO + JULIET Leo DiCaprio:

and a pre-L.A. CONFIDENTIAL and GLADIATOR Russell Crowe:

They're fine.


#3.  Alan Silvestri totally plagiarizes his own soundtrack for PREDATOR throughout this movie.  It's a good soundtrack, but I kept waiting for the Predator to show up and enter the tournament.  Now that would've been something.


#4.  Bruce Campbell had a scene, but it was deleted.  They should release it in a collection with the deleted Alice Cooper scene from MAVERICK.


#4.  Keith David.  Massively underused, but wearing one of the best/worst fake mustaches in memory.

A fair trade, I suppose.


#5.  Lance Henriksen.  He's not around for long, but he essentially steals the movie as "Ace," a trick-shooter with a tremendous fashion sense.

The way he looks makes me furious that he never popped up in a supporting role on DEADWOOD.


#6. A Woody Strode cameo.

He's pretty ancient at this point, but he has a brief bit as a the town undertaker, and it's a nice throwback to ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST.


#7.  Mick Garris.  Errr–––WHAT?!

Seen here on the left manhandling Gary Sinise, Mick Garris (infamous Stephen King crony and director of laughable King adaptations like THE STAND, THE SHINING, DESPERATION, RIDING THE BULLET, and QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY) plays a glorified extra during a Sharon Stone flashback.  I have to say that when I woke up this morning, I never imagined my day would have Mick Garris in it.  Well, there he is.

–Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... TITANIC

Only now does it occur to me...  that the true enduring star of TITANIC is not Celine Dion, Kate Winslet's boobs

or Bill Paxton's wicked, pirate-y earring.

No, the true stars are the expressive, Svengali-ish, and immaculately waxed eyebrows of one William G. Zane, Esquire:

Now I hadn't seen TITANIC since in theaters way back in '97, and because my interest in The Zane Factor had been so amply reawakened by TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, I decided to give it another go.  As "Caledon Hockley," the moneyed gadabout in pursuit of villainy and a loveless marriage to Kate Winslet, Billy Zane gives one of the bitchiest, most cattily malevolent performances ever to grace a mainstream film that didn't star Joan Crawford or Faye Dunaway.  

Here he is using the whites of Kate's eyes to admire his own reflection:

  

 I dare you to prove me wrong.  That's totally what he's doing:

 

He dismisses Monet and Picasso as "fingerpainters":

Tries to buy off the man (DiCaprio) who saved his wife-to-be with a crisp twenty-dollar bill:

He judges you with judgey eyebrows:

 

Offers smarm-infused false comfort as the ship goes down:

 

 Goes full "Tim Curry" for a segment where he's a gun-toting madman:

 

Steals babies to get on lifeboats:

 

He steals scenes he's not even really in:

 

[And somewhere amongst all this Zanery (hey, "zaniness" was already taken) apparently there's an epic romance and a sinking ship, but that's really more of a subplot.]

He's even got one of the all-time great villains and fellow TWIN PEAKS alum David Warner (TIME BANDITS, TRON, STRAW DOGS, TIME AFTER TIME, MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE) as his henchman.  When David Warner is playing second fiddle to you– goddamn, you're doing something right!  One of my favorite moments is this wonderful bit where Warner catches Leo and Kate doing some unauthorized folk-dancing hanky-pankery:

His disapproving look is worth at least three AVATARS.  

BONUS!:  Also of note to Cameron aficionados– there's two great ALIENS references.

1.   Legendary badass Space Marine Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein) shows up as an immigrant mother from the lower decks

comforting small and adorable children (instead of using a swivel-mounted minigun to rain death and destruction on those blocking her access to the lifeboats).

2.  When Kate Winslet gives Billy Zane the ole' spit-in-the-eye treatment, instead of saliva, they used K-Y Jelly:

 

 

Incidentally, they also used K-Y in ALIENS to make the Alien Queen look like the world's most terrifying, lacquered sex toy.  To hear Zane talk about it (and the 27 traumatic takes therein) on OPRAH, go here, to the eleven minute mark.

Film Review: CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT (1991, Kristine Peterson)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 86 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Leonardo DiCaprio, Frances Bay, Don Keith Opper, Barry Opper (writer and brother of Don Keith), Terrence Mann.
Tag-lines: "First they destroyed a farm. Then they terrorised a town. Now they're ready to do some real damage!"
Best one-liner(s): "I still don't know what the hell is going on here." – "Ain't no rats, you can be sure of that!"

It's CRITTERS meets THE TOWERING INFERNO. When all else fails, move the franchise to the big city: BABE 2: PIG IN THE CITY, FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN, LEPRECHAUN 5: LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD, THE MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK, GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH, CHILDREN OF THE CORN III: URBAN HARVEST, the list goes on. And if that fails, move it into SPACE. (More on that in a subsequent review).

I'm not gonna lie: CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT is a step down for the franchise, but not really for any particular reason other than "we made it all the way to CRITTERS 3." A jabbering, slavering Critter attached to a mop handle and getting smacked around every which way is still gold, it's just sort of lost its luster. Some of the magic's gone, and we're never gonna get it back, and that's part of growing up, it's part of life. Now, on to the film: I'll start with the bad. The child actors who haven't been nominated for three Oscars really suck. They do. And Ug (Terrence Mann), the fan-favorite bounty hunter, isn't around save for a cameo at the finale, tantalizing us to watch CRITTERS 4. Now, the good: Charlie (Don Keith Opper) is back in a big way, becoming to the CRITTERS series what Reggie the Ice Cream Man is to the PHANTASM films. There's Frances Bay (TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME, BLUE VELVET), the sweet old lady who always exudes depth and magical, alluring menace.

The Critters, as always, are up to no good: watching cooking shows, drinking dish soap to frantic MIDI music, eating baked beans, attacking bunny slippers, and throwing pies at each other. The people asked for Critter-related mayhem, and by gum, we got it.

Par for the course.

There's even bowling for Critters. And then there's Leo. Leo DiCaprio. He's a fine actor, even as a kid, and he uses his talents to emote lines such as "I...can't believe he's dead," and violently beat a Critter trapped in a towel while exclaiming "I hate you! I hate you!" He even gets shot in the neck by one of their spines.

Leo: "I...can't believe he's dead..."
Near the end, he gets to wear a pink and purple-striped wave t-shirt that is probably the most macabre thing in the movie.

The macabre tee-shirt.

Three stars. A must-see for CRITTERS fans and, as far as these things go, can you really expect anything more from a film entitled: CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT?

-Sean Gill

COMING SOON: A review of CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE.