Television Review: CHRISTMAS AT PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE (1988, Wayne Orr & Paul Reubens)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 49 minutes.
Tag-line: None.

Notable Cast or Crew: Paul Reubens (PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Annette Funicello (BABES IN TOYLAND, BEACH PARTY), Frankie Avalon (GREASE, DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE), Grace Jones (A VIEW TO A KILL, VAMP), k.d. lang, Dinah Shore, Little Richard, Cher, Magic Johnson, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Whoopi Goldberg (FATAL BEAUTY, THE CELEBRITY GUIDE TO WINE), Oprah Winfrey, Joan Rivers,  Charo, Laurence Fishburne (APOCALYPSE NOW, BOYZ N THE HOOD), Chairry, Floory, Globey, Conky 2000, Clockey, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Dirty Dog, Cool Cat, Chicky Baby, Randy, Billy Baloney, the Dinosaur Family, and The Flowers.

Best One-liner:  "That was Cher!  Cher was right over there!  In the same room as my chair!  I hope I didn't stare!  Oh well!  I don't care!"
Secret Word: "Year."

Now this was an 11th Hour Christmas Eve recommendation from my sister, who let me know it was streaming on Netflix.  And holy cow, what an embarrassment of festive, camp-tastic riches!  Occasionally subversive for a children's program, it uses its substantial powers to celebrate diversity and kitsch in something approaching equal quantities.  It's madness down the line, but for the moment, let me regale you with the top seven most amazingly absurd moments in CHRISTMAS AT PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE:

#7.  The opening tableau, which involves sequined back-up singers and the UCLA Glee Club men's choir dressed as U.S. Marines in dress blues
 
cavorting in the background and ultimately hoisting Pee Wee into the camera lens where he caterwauls impressively.

#6.  L.A. Laker Magic Johnson shows up inside the Magic Screen


because Magic Johnson is cousins with the Magic Screen.  Later, they are chased by a cartoon polar bear:


#5.  Pee Wee forces Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon into a form of slave labor, the arts n' craftsy task at hand being to construct his Christmas cards.



Later, for all their efforts, he serves them bread and water.


#4.  Whoa-oh-oh!  Cher drops by to mess around with Conky and determine the Word of the Day, which is "YEAR."

Pee Wee then proceeds to make a variety of Cher-related puns.


This represents the content and flavor of the entire show condensed into a single freeze frame.

#3.  Little Richard minces in, flustered by his own inability to ice skate.

Pee Wee then delights Little Richard with a deft display of ice-skating.



However, the use of stunt double "Hans" saddens Little Richard, who pouts in disappointment.


#2.  There is an ongoing gag about Pee Wee receiving unwanted fruitcakes.  Naturally, he sets two beefcake-y construction workers to building him a tower out of them.


 Literally a tower of fruitcakes.

#1.  A crate is delivered by mistake to Pee Wee.

It is intended for then-lame duck President Ronald Reagan.

The crate contains Grace Jones, who is wearing a bizarro foam outfit with sculpted breast-molds, because of course she is.

Pee Wee attempts to repackage Grace Jones,


 but she insists on singing "The Little Drummer Boy" while she strips off her fur and gloves as if proceeding into a burlesque number

while Pee Wee himself sits on a tiny chair in childlike euphoria throughout.

Unfortunately, no one has ever accidentally delivered Grace Jones to my house.

I feel as if I have only scratched the surface here (I didn't even get to Charo, Whoopi, Oprah, or Laurence Fishburne!), and invite you, too, to visit this, which may very well be the most willfully insane of all the 80s Christmas specials.  (You'll note that the STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL is from the 70s.)  Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and here's to a tremendous New Year!

That's the secret word!  AHHHHHHHHHH!

–Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... BOYZ IN THE HOOD

Only now does it occur to me... that John Singleton loosely patterns BOYZ IN THE HOOD's prologue and epilogue after the seminal Stephen King adaptation STAND BY ME, and at one point even includes a direct reference, with four young boys walking along railroad tracks to see a dead body.

 

Of course, the walk to find a dead body in 1984 South Central is considerably shorter than in 1959 Castle Rock, and Singleton draws a bit of tragic poetry from the comparison. 

Only now does it occur to me... KING OF NEW YORK

Only now does it occur to me... in the wake of similar salutes to Ed Harris, James Remar, and Jean-Claude Van Damme– my tribute to Christopher Walken dance mania!

Film Review: THE COTTON CLUB (1984, Francis Ford Coppola)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 127 minutes.
Tag-line: "It was the jazz age. It was an era of elegance and violence. The action was gambling. The stakes were life and death."
Notable Cast or Crew: Richard Gere, Gregory Hines, Diane Lane, Bob Hoskins, John P. Ryan, James Remar, Nicolas Cage, Gwen Verdon, Laurence Fishburne, Julian Beck, Tom Waits, Jennifer Grey, Joe Dallesandro, Diane Venora, Woody Strode, James Russo, Giancarlo Esposito, Sofia Coppola, Mario van Peebles! Not to mention Kirk Taylor- The Giggler in DEATH WISH 3! Music by John Barry. Cinematography by Stephen Goldblatt (THE HUNGER, STRIPTEASE). Produced by Robert Evans.
Best one-liner: "Blow that bughouse bastard to kingdom come!"

A lot of the knee-jerk negative reactions to Coppola's 80's output either center on the films being too avant-garde (RUMBLE FISH) or too obsessed with duplicating the celluloid past (ONE FROM THE HEART), but those are two key reasons why his 80's films, however flawed, are some of my favorites. Coppola, along with producer Robert Evans (CHINATOWN, POPEYE)- who was at one point banned from his own set due to heightening tensions between the men- crafts a dreamy, extravagant, maudlin, and occasionally brutal atmosphere that lies somewhere between THE PUBLIC ENEMY, 42ND STREET, and THE GODFATHER.


James Remar demands your attention.

Richard Gere and Diane Lane are our stars, but they are essentially muted: instead, it’s the rogue's gallery of supporting players that lends THE COTTON CLUB power: James Remar as 'Dutch Schultz,' at once exuding charm and childishness- and prone to Pesci-style bursts of violence:

Nic Cage undergoing a journey from stilted milquetoast to raving 'Mad Dog Mick' gangster:

Bob Hoskins as a horse-obsessed (!) impresario who lets you know he's not fucking around, even as he calmly arranges some flowers; Gregory Hines as undisputed king of the tap-dance; Woody Strode as a stoic doorman; Mario van Peebles as a hoofer (the same year as EXTERMINATOR 2!); John P. Ryan as a racist, seething Schultz rival:

Larry Fishburne as a no-nonsense Harlem racketeer who's been pushed around by the whites long enough:

Tom Waits as a nettlesome club employee; Joe Dallesandro as 'Lucky' Luciano, the new Mafioso on the block; and bit parts by everyone from Giancarlo Esposito to Jennifer Grey to avant-garde theater pioneer Julian Beck. It's an exquisite, exhilarating world seen through an amber-colored lens:

A classic 30's montage reimagined.


Shades of Vittorio Storaro?


If only the real Cab Calloway had employed Mario van Peebles (not pictured).


SCHLERP

garish, ostentatious fashion, waterfalls of spurting champagne, elaborate Art Deco setpieces, and swirling, nostalgic montages- at any moment, this heightened tranquility could be perforated by a stroke of repulsive barbarism or a whirlwind of fame, fortune, and your wildest dreams. This is not a gritty, historical document, per sé- it’s a paean to the endless possibilities and intoxicating escapism of the silver screen, and that’s just the way I like it. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: DEATH WISH II (1982, Michael Winner)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson, Laurence Fishburne, Anthony Franciosa (TENEBRE), Jill Ireland, soundtrack by Jimmy Page. Produced by Golan and Globus.
Tag-lines: "First His Wife. Now His Daughter. It's Time To Even The Score!"
Best one-liner: "He saved our lives dammit! Where we you, giving out parking tickets?"

I could say, like many have, that this is a bleak, disturbing view of crime-addled humanity on the brink of ruin. Instead, I will say that this is a movie where someone gets shot in the face through a ginormous boom box.

But still, there's a lot to be learned from DEATH WISH II, whether you're a two-bit punk, a film scholar, or something in between.

MYTH: It's worth it to steal Bronson's ice cream money.
FACT: No. Cause Bronson is one of those pacifists that will just look for ANY excuse to kick your ass.


MYTH: "We all look the same to Whitey- he'll never pick you out, Jiver!"
FACT: Not true. And when he gets you, he doesn't even need a one-liner, it's just: "Goodbye."






MYTH: Golan and Globus like dance sequences in gritty movies.



FACT: Golan and Globus love dance sequences in gritty movies.

MYTH: Bronson loves orangutans.
FACT: Score one point for Bronson in the eternal Bronson vs. Eastwood battle- Bronson sneers, then chuckles at a theater marquee playing an EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE double feature. Damn!


MYTH: When Bronson gets hurt, he promptly seeks medical attention.
FACT: He smoothly makes dinner plans with his British ladyfriend (real-life wife Jill Ireland) and hides his arm behind his back as he bleeds out from a ridiculous switchblade gash. After she leaves, he casually dresses it himself and then makes it to dinner, unruffled.

MYTH: When murder and rape are the crimes, only the judicial system may judge.
FACT: Well, according to the trailer, "When murder and rape are the crimes, BRONSON is the only punishment." And that he is. "Do you believe in Jesus?," he inquires of a punk wearing a crucifix. "Yes," replies the wimpering wrongdoer. "Well, you're gonna meet him," intones Bronson before blowing him away. Wow. Four stars. Keep 'em in that little woolen cap that you think functions as a 'vigilante disguise.'

-Sean Gill