Only now does it occur to me... WITCHBOARD (1986)

 In this, the first installment "Of Whitesnakes and Witchboards... a Tawny Kitaen Retrospective":

 

Only now does it occur to me.... that Tawney Kitaen's acting skills are... um... pretty good, actually! She acts circles around basically every other performer (with one slight exception) in WITCHBOARD, a delightfully half-assed 80s horror flick (which spawned two sequels) about a killer Ouija board.

 

Tawny doesn't need competent scene partners to ply her trade

Tawny Kitaen––whose real surname is indeed "Kitaen" and whose first name is a childhood sobriquet––is probably best known for performing in a series of music videos by Whitesnake, whereupon she was draped across the hoods of cars, giant staircases, grand pianos, etc. I imagine these videos were a blessing and a curse––they seemed to pigeonhole her as "exhausted babe lightly gyrating on the hood of a expensive car" and catapulted her to a form of stardom she could never quite escape. I actually grew up thinking her last name was the quasi-sleazy nom de guerre "Kitten."

I suppose you wouldn't know it from the "Here I Go Again" or "The Deeper the Love" music videos, but Kitaen is a likable, versatile actor who absolutely deserved a Sharon Stone/Mimi Rogers/Gina Gershon-sized career; she's the sort of performer who can navigate the Scylla-and-Charibdyean passageway between "sex object" and "talented character actor," whether she's messing around on a Ouija board while wearing a statement bow

 

or totally possessed by a Depression-era axe murderer (who apparently teased her hair mid-possession). At any rate, we see a whole range of acting here that doesn't involve reclining on random luxury objects while fans blow at her hair.

Linda Blair, eat your heart out

Speaking of THE EXORCIST, director Kevin S. Tenney––who would go on to perfect his schtick a few years later with the lovable NIGHT OF THE DEMONS––turns in a film clearly inspired by Blatty's leftovers. It suffers from many of the (pacing) problems that plague freshman indie pictures, but it's really not bad! There's inventive, lively, Sam Raimi-esque cinematography by Roy H. Wagner (NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS)

and, obviously, there's Tawny Kitaen. But I must conclude with a shout-out to a performance I alluded to earlier: Kathleen Wilhoite's. You may remember her as Dr. Lewis' sister in the early seasons of ER, or you may remember her immortal role in Cannon Films' MURPHY'S LAW, where she called Charles Bronson "Scrotum cheeks," "Jism breath," "Camel crotch," and "Dinosaur dork," among other poetic nicknames. Here she plays Zarabeth the Medium, and while she only appears in one and a half scenes,

she is the 80s witchy woman/subculture valley girl that we all deserve. Amen.

Film Review: NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1988, Kevin S. Tenney)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 89 minutes.
Tag-line: "Angela is having a party, Jason and Freddy are too scared to come... But you'll have a hell of a time."
Notable Cast or Crew: Linnea Quigley (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, SAVAGE STREETS), Lance Fenton (HEATHERS, HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN), Hal Havins, (SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA, ALF), Allison Barron (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE, the INXS video game from 1992), Billy Gallo (PRETTY WOMAN, WHO'S THE BOSS), Jill Terashita (SLEEPAWAY CAMP 3: TEENAGE WASTELAND, TERMINAL ENTRY).  Directed by Kevin S. Tenney (WITCHBOARD, WITCHBOARD 2).
Best One-liner: "Festering fuckwads!"

Welcome to NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, a palace of adolescent, blockheaded delights, a 1980s horror classick that probably doesn't have a single original thought in its brain, but that really doesn't matter––it's a charming ode to scares and fun and teenagers making bad decisions while exclaiming things like "Count Dingleberry!" and "I never made it in a coffin before!"

From its imaginative, animated opening sequence (set to some nice, prog-rockin' Goblin-style grooves composed by the director's brother) to its spooktacular finale, NIGHT OF THE DEMONS is the generic, 1980s Halloween party movie that we deserve.

First off, I must say that I really enjoy the tag-line, which taunts much more well-established horror franchises FRIDAY THE 13TH and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET.  That's ballsy.  This movie is a scrapper.  I think that's why I like it so much.

So the plot involves a group of teens who make the ill-advised choice to host their Halloween party at a cursed, abandoned funeral parlor.



They manage to hit every last note of the "teens in a haunted house" genre, and soon the festivities ("All right, dudes and dudesses, let's party!") give way to a magical totem

(in this instance a haunted mirror)

which unleashes evil spirits faster than you can say "Necronomicon."
 
In fact, it's very EVIL DEAD, right on down to the Steadicam shot of a demon spirit roaming corridors and flinging open doors just before it possesses an unsuspecting teen.



And, yup, that's Linnea Quigley, from RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4, and the like.  Usually, whenever you hear her name, it's prefaced by "Scream Queen" Linnea Quigley.

There's a lot to be enjoyed here. For instance, a pervy convenience store clerk (Clark Jarrett) hams it up like a poor man's Bill Paxton:

On the right, obviously 

and we get a classic, dickish performance from Lance Fenton (of HEATHERS fame, as one of "my dead, gay son[s]!"), who made it his business in the 80s to play those jocks you love to hate.

There's an extended, interpretive dance (by Amelia Kinkade) for no discernible reason, aside from padding the run-time. 



It feels like an outtake from THE HUNGER, and is, naturally, set to a Bauhaus song.  But I love it––I love this aimless, Goth freestyling, and I wouldn't take it back for the world!

Later Kinkade glides around the halls in an eerie display which may very well be the film's most iconic image.

On that note, cinematographer David Lewis (who also shot PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE and multiple LEPRECHAUN films) delivers the perfect spooky imagery


and it all ends with a fun zinger involving a gleefully crabby old man (Harold Ayer) who intends to "get back at those meddling kids" by putting razor blades in their Halloween treats.

The gruesome payoff is essentially unrelated to the movie as a whole, but completely entertaining.

It's a classic, offbrand horror flick–––it might as well be called BOO! THE MOVIE or THE TEENS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE.  It's not quite a masterpiece, but if you're in the right mood––and this is certainly the time of year for it––it'll charm the hell outta ya.

––Sean Gill

2015 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  SCANNERS (1981, David Cronenberg)

2.  MICHAEL IRONSIDE: MENTAL SABOTEUR (2014, Karen Stetler)

3.  NOMADS (1986, John McTiernan)

4.  THE STUFF (1985, Larry Cohen)

5.  THE BEACH (2000, Danny Boyle)

6.  CHILD'S PLAY 2 (1990, John Lafia)

7. ...