Only now does it occur to me... HARD BOILED (1992)

Only now does it occur to me... that John Woo is not merely a master of action, but a master of "character exposition." Within the first twenty-eight seconds of HARD BOILED, we learn everything we need to know about Chow Yun-Fat's "Inspector Tequila."

First, we learn that his favorite beverage is the "Tequila Slam," which is apparently a real thing. That would be "well tequila" (the kind that only occasionally comes in a glass bottle),

and seltzer water

covered with a paper napkin and slammed against the bar––a maneuver that is perhaps intended to showcase the performative "badass fizz" aspect but as a result spills nearly half the drink; it is satisfying perhaps to Inspector Tequila in the moment, but something of an inconvenience for a neat-freak bartender.

Amazingly, this is a fitting analogy for Inspector Tequila's fearlessly stylish-yet-sloppy methods of policework. (Though it is less elegant than the "Travis Bickle calmly stares at his own alka-seltzer while quietly boiling on the inside" scene in TAXI DRIVER, this is from the director who first brought us JCVD punching a snake, so let's cut him some slack.)

Anyway, Inspector Tequila knocks back the drink,

sets it down, and slides––in one fluid movement––back to a stool on a stage,

where he proceeds to play a mean jazz clarinet. John Woo seems to say, "Inspector Tequila is a rough-and-tumble individual, but he has a soft side––as velvety smooth as a clarinet playing 'Sweet Georgia Brown' at an Elks Lodge in Missoula, Montana for a crowd of slow-dancing geriatrics."

But this ain't no Elks Lodge in Missoula––these are the mean streets of Hong Kong, circa 1992, as could only imagined by John Woo's slo-mo bullet-ballet-addled brain!

Let's move ahead three minutes in time. See those two guys, Inspector Tequila?

The ones with the bird cages?

If you, as an audience member, at first glance, don't make the assessment that yes, those bird cages are probably filled with guns, then you, my friend, are watching the wrong movie.

Inspector Tequila is an astute observer of the human animal, unlike yourself.

All of this is essentially a set-up for over two hours of two-fisted acrobatic gunplay and incredible non-union stuntwork,

all in Woo's distinctive "Peckinpah-meets-Shaw-Brothers-meets-screwy-Jean-Pierre-Melville" style, which went on to birth THE MATRIX, Robert Rodriguez, and any number of contemporary action films and directors.

I love HARD BOILED. I love typing the words "Inspector Tequila." And perhaps most of all, I love this nearly three minute long shot that involves so many moving parts, actors, stuntmen, and explosions, that it defies reason:

Only now does it occur to me... VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

Only now does it occur to me... that Eddie Murphy was such a student of Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Look no further than this bit from the agonizing, Wes Craven-helmed, Eddie Murphy produced-written-starred vanity piece VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN.  In 1995, vampire-mulleted Eddie Murphy's just hangin' out with his lady friend (Angela Bassett) at a bar when a venomous snake crashes the party.

He uses a mystical technique to hypnotize and snatch the snake from the bar,

thus winning the day.

Way back in 1993, when Jean-Claude wore the same mullet in John Woo's HARD TARGET, he was enjoying some lady time in the bayou (with Yancy Butler) when a snake similarly crashed the party.

Without even ruffling his mullet, he grabbed said snake

 and employed a mystical technique to thwomp it into unconsciousness,

thus winning the day.

The big takeaway here is that Murphy has learned a lot from Mr. JCVD––and clearly the lessons have extended from entry-level stuff like fashion and grooming  into 300 and 400 level courses, like "How To Immobilize Snakes Mid-Romantic Rendezvous."  Eddie Murphy––he's just like the rest of us, eagerly awaiting the latest offerings of Professor Van Damme.

Giant Oscar Mess: Best (Non-Dance) Duel

In my continuing coverage of GIANT OSCAR MESS (best described HERE), I present to you the nominees for BEST (NON-DANCE) DUEL IN A MOTION PICTURE. Lorenzo Lamas continues on as the Meryl Streep of the GIANT OSCAR MESS and Junta Juleil faves Michael Ironside and Jean-Claude Van Damme enter the fray.

You can watch the clips HERE. (The vast corporate flagging device built-in to YouTube has disabled embedding.)




And the winner was...

...Jean-Claude Van Damme...

...vs. Truck.

(To be continued)

Film Review: FACE/OFF (1997, John Woo)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 140 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, Joan Allen, Margaret Cho, Nick Cassavetes, CCH Pounder, Gina Gershon, John Carroll Lynch (of ZODIAC and DREW CAREY), Alessandro Nivola, Dominique Swain (of Adrian Lyne's LOLITA), Matt Ross (THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO, BIG LOVE), Thomas Jane (that makes two Patricia Arquette husbands in this movie), Chris Bauer, Tommy Flanagan (the scarred heavy from SIN CITY and SMOKIN' ACES), Kirk Baltz (the cop who loses an ear in RESERVOIR DOGS).

Tag-line: "In order to catch him, he must become him."
Best one-liner(s): "It's like looking in a mirror. Only... not. "

"Hello, Doctor. I hope you don't mind: I took a few of your groovy painkillers. I'm just enjoying some of your greatest hits here. Oh God, this is excellent. Oh, bravo. Bra-fucking-vo." So it's TANGO AND CASH meets DEMOLITION MAN meets FREAKY FRIDAY. And it's been directed by Tony Scott on a meth binge- John Woo. Damn! This movie really takes it up a notch. It's a symphonic ballet of particles; Woo's genius lies in the simplicity by which the film itself can be reduced to just objects in motion- tumbling men, flying glass shards, rotating debris, flapping doves, hurtling papers, cascading bullet casings. There would be no MATRIX without this. It's Peckinpah to the Nth degree, choreographed and concocted by a true mad scientist of cinema. The performances beg for hyperbole that goes beyond "over the top"- Cage and Travolta seem entwined in a battle to gorge themselves, to voraciously devour as much scenery as possible.



And Woo ensures that they never run out of scenery to chew upon. Joan Allen and Nick Cassavetes even get in on the action with, respectively, some ridiculous gasping,

and the probably ad-libbed line "THEY'RE LIKE COCKROACHES!"

There's WILD AT HEART references, inappropriate use of "Over the Rainbow," and lots of talk about 'tongue sucking.' In closing, this film perhaps should have been titled, FACE/TOUCHING.

There is more face touching than in any other movie I have ever seen. So try the FACE/OFF drinking game; take one drink every time someone touches someone else's face, and by the close, I guarantee you will be almost as crazy as Nick Cage.

"If I were to send you flowers where would I... no, let me rephrase that. If I were to let you suck...my tongue, would you be grateful?"

-Sean Gill

Film Review: BROKEN ARROW (1996, John Woo)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 108 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: John Travolta, Christian Slater, Delroy Lindo, Samantha Mathis, Frank Whaley (of PULP FICTION and GLAM), Howie Long (of those delightful ads with Teri Hatcher), Hans Zimmer (whose soundtrack for this flick is vaguely ripped off by Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR soundtrack), Graham Yost (writer of SPEED whose career was later derailed by SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL and co-writing the brilliant MISSION TO MARS), Peter Levy (the fine cinematographer from PREDATOR 2 and NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5), Mark Riccardi (Travolta's 90's & 00's stunt double on everything from GET SHORTY to BATTLEFIELD EARTH), plus we even got the Dad from THAT 70'S SHOW and RAMBO III (Kurtwood Smith).

Tag-line: "PREPARE...TO GO...BALLISTIC."
Best one-liner(s): "Alright, you're bleeding, aren't ya? Well, that's good. Let's see if we can get any more out of you."

"You're out of your mind." "Yeah...ain't it cool?" Damn. Look at that poster. Slater wants to be in the limelight, but Travolta is having none of it. This is causing Slater to slightly raise his right eyebrow. More on that later. John Woo comes stateside for the second time, the first being HARD TARGET with Van Damme. Let's look at the Woo hallmarks: Slow motion? Check. Hero firing two guns at once and sliding downward? Check. Gun slowly being loaded in closeup? Check. Hero seeing the reflection of the baddie aiming a gun at him? Check. Two well-developed characters clashing with great determination? Check. Mexican standoff? Check. The Slater factor? Check. Wait, WHUTTT?!

You can't believe your ears? The SLATER FACTOR. Yeah, that's right. The Slater factor is very high here. The eyebrows and smarmy Nicholson voice are in full force. But what comes out of left field is Travolta stealing a great deal of the limelight from the Slater factor.

He's developed one of the most bizarrely gleeful, subtly feminized, and totally whacky antagonists to ever appear in one of these types of films. The man is having so much fun playing a villain and finally getting to sling about malevolent one-liners that you can't help but smile every moment he's on screen.


In fact, either Travolta or Slater are on screen for almost every frame of the entire movie, so the odds are the viewer will be beside themselves with youthful giddiness for the duration. Throw in a brilliant Hans Zimmer soundtrack, chemistry with ex-Slater PUMP UP THE VOLUME-era squeeze Samantha Mathis (Mathis later said that being romantic with Slater in this film was "like kissing your brother"), beautiful Southwestern landscapes, and the under-appreciated Delroy Lindo, and you've got yourself a splendid little way to spend the afternoon.

-Sean Gill