Only now does it occur to me... GLORY DAZE (1995)

Only now does it occur to me...  GLORY DAZE––who knew?  What I assumed was a Ben Affleck comedy in the vein of ENCINO MAN or BIO-DOME ended up being a quite thoughtful piece about the transition from college life to adulthood; it's a little more Baumbach's KICKING AND SCREAMING than ONE CRAZY SUMMER. Even more fascinating, this came from the mind of Rich Wilkes, the writer who most notably gave us AIRHEADS and xXx.


The story of a group of friends at a crossroads (Ben Affleck, Sam Rockwell, French Stewart, Vien Hong, and Vinnie DeRamus), GLORY DAZE may be cursed with an awful title, but it features many genuinely dramatic moments and a pervasive visual metaphor for post-college stasis: that of an errant dart tossed into a wall clock, obstructing the second hand, which ticks away uselessly. It's rather Gen-X and post-REALITY BITES in sensibility, but it always feels active and alive; its message is universal.

I also would go as far as to say that GLORY DAZE is second only to DAZED AND CONFUSED in terms of containing a Ben Affleck performance that does not actively annoy.

And with that haircut and goatee, that's saying a lot.

There are a lot of great bit parts, including Matthew McConaughey as "Rental Truck Guy," a crazed townie who may or may not be "Wooderson" from DAZED AND CONFUSED:

Right on, right on, right on...

Famed raconteur Spalding Gray (!) has a nice, nuanced bit as Affleck's dickish father:

RIP, Spalding––when the man was "on," he was on.

B-movie and Warhol legend Mary Woronov as the mother of Sam Rockwell's girlfriend during an awkward meet-and-greet at a graduation party:

I'm going to assume that her (unseen) husband is played by Paul Bartel.

John Rhys-Davies as a pompous professor (with a great deal of pathos) whose mentorship of French Stewart becomes a sympathetic look at how academia may not be for everyone:

Interesting to see Sallah caught up in the ivory tower––maybe Indiana Jones is rubbing off on him!

"Chenny" herself, Alyssa Milano, as a coed who doesn't really figure into the larger story; I think they just wanted a woman's face on the poster to disguise that this film is a full-on bro-fest (which is its only major weakness):

I could have done with a "Chenny goes to college" subplot where Schwarzenegger plays her overprotective father.

Cameos by Brendan Fraser and Leah Remini as a bus-riding couple who draw the ire of a depressed Ben (Sad)-fleck:

Maybe this movie has a little bit in common with ENCINO MAN.

And, finally, Matt Damon in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance as a dimwitted bro named "Pudwhacker":

Is this the impetus for the mentally disabled Matt Damon joke in TEAM AMERICA?

In the end, I was pleasantly surprised by this one; and in closing I'll recommend two additional "college comedies" that carry more resonance and sincerity than the genre usually affords: Andrew Fleming's THREESOME, which is 90s to the max, but a brilliantly executed character drama; and Richard Linklater's EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!!, which was buried earlier this year as a lesser-stoner comedy, but is in fact an extraordinary, meaningful slice of life in the vein of BOYHOOD or DAZED AND CONFUSED.

Film Review: BLOODSPORT III (1996, Alan Mehrez)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.
Tag-line: "Beyond honor there is a fight for justice and the truth..."
Notable Cast or Crew: Daniel Bernhardt (BLOODSPORT 2, JOHN WICK), John Rhys-Davies (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, KING SOLOMON'S MINES), Amber Van Lent (LYING EYES, BAYWATCH), Uni Park (TEK WAR, DIRTY WORK), Master Hee Il Cho (BLOODSPORT 2, BEST OF THE BEST), James Hong (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, NINJA III: THE DOMINATION), Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, BAYWATCH).  Produced and directed by Alan Mehrez (BLOODSPORT 2, CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER). 
Best One-liner:  "You're ten years old now, Jason––I think it's time you learned the real meaning about martial arts... and about me.  Have you ever heard about a championship called a Kumite?"

Two down-on-their-luck cineastes in a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"All good things must come to an end.  Even good things that come in 3's."
–"Oh, thank God.  Haven't you inflicted enough suffering?  First, it was undead bird attacks in ZOMBI 3, then Ambrose Bierce fan-fic in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3, then poor man's Paul Walker in TOKYO DRIFT, waterski carnage in JAWS 3-D, V8 foreplay in NINJA III, and werewolf nuns in HOWLING III.  And, that's not even counting the time you made me watch Stallone play a hippie in SPY KIDS 3-D, or when you forced me to read the entire novelization of HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH!"
"I won't have you speaking ill of HALLOWEEN III on my watch.  But, regardless, I have brought you a gift.  Don't you think it's a lovely day for a... Kumite?"
–"Oh, no. Not the third BLOODSPORT.  It has a reputation."
"Trust me, a wise man once said, 'nothing with a Kumite in it can be all bad.'  You can print that in the paper."
–"I must be going."
"Aw, come on, remember how much you loved BLOODSPORT 2: THE NEXT KUMITE?"
–"I guess it was pretty good."
"You're goddamned right it was good.  And BLOODSPORT III naturally brings back part 2's Jean-Faux Van Damme: Swiss martial artist Daniel Bernhardt, whom actual Van Damme cherry-picked as his replacement after they met on a photo shoot for Versace jeans."
–"It's not Versace, it's Ver-sayce."
"Oh, hush.  So the film begins with a montage of scenes from BLOODSPORT 2's Kumite, probably to pad the run-time.  Then, Daniel Bernhardt (as Kumite champion Alex Cardo) wakes up from the flashback––which was actually a sweaty Kumite nightmare."

–"'Kumite Nightmare' would be a good name for a band."
"We then sweep into a frame story.  Remember, how BLOODSPORT 2 had that wraparound with James Hong telling the tale of Alex Cardo to his kiddie dojo?  Well, this continues that tradition, only now it's even more PRINCESS BRIDE, with Bernhardt telling the story of the movie to his ten-year old son.  According to the IMDb trivia section, the age of Bernhardt's son would place this frame story in 2007."
–"I don't care."
"Hey, remember when JCVD dressed up as a street clown to save a bunch of Dickensian urchins in THE QUEST?  Like his illustrious forbear, Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt really cares about the kids, delivering pathos-filled expressions of concern.  (Did I mention that I'm starting to like Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt almost as much as the real JCVD?) And so begins one of the greatest father-son conversations of all time:

"You're ten years old now, Jason––I think it's time you learned the real meaning about martial arts... and about me.  Have you ever heard about a championship called a Kumite?"
It's one of those universal rites of fatherhood; you know, you gotta to tell your kid about the birds n' the bees, about the concept of death, about that time you won two Kumites...  Honestly, though, he should probably be a little more concerned about that George Jetson blow-up doll in the background."
–"Yikes."
"So we travel back eleven years to Bernhardt looking spiffy in a white tux, like James Bond.

He fights some generic ninja dudes in a casino, and it's like they're lifted from a typical Cannon actioner, or the film-within-a-film at the end of PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE.  Dudes in the background randomly shout things like 'That guy's LETHAL!' and there's a MacGuffin of some kind that's not actually important and here the movie spins its wheels for a bit.  Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt becomes involved with a shady businessman played by John Rhys-Davies..."

 –"Aw, man.  Poor guy."
"Hey, dude's gotta eat.  Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt starts dating Rhys-Davies' daughter (Amber Van Lent), who curdles our collective blood during an excruciatingly atonal song 'sesh where she tries to do her best Julee Cruise-in-TWIN PEAKS impersonation,

Note blue dress and red velvet curtain.

but why they thought letting her sing on camera was a good idea is anybody's guess.  It's genuinely and splendidly terrible."

–"You're not really doing a good job of selling me on this movie, are you?"

"Oh, just you wait.  There's a nice bit when Bernhardt and Rhys-Davies admire a truly terrible painting

There's no 'subtitle' for BLOODSPORT III.  Might I submit, for your consideration, BLOODSPORT III: TUXEDO JUNCTION?

and Rhys-Davies says, 'Have you ever seen a painting this exquisite?'

I can't even tell what it's a painting of––a jar of eyeballs?  Baby heads?  Pickled lemons?  Peaches?"

–"Hot damn!"

"Then Rhys-Davies starts tossing around all this talk about a new Kumite, and therefore lines like "I am sponsoring a new Kumite" and "I see you're going into business with my father––something to do with a... Kumite?" are spoken.  I approve of this.  For reasons that aren't properly telegraphed, they bring back Bernhardt's old master James Hong

Good to see you, Mr. Hong.  I last glimpsed your stern visage in NINJA III: THE DOMINATION.

just to kill him off five minutes later with an exploding telephone planted by evil John Rhys-Davies.  Never mind that this negates the frame story of BLOODSPORT 2 where an elderly Hong reminisced about his life.  Thirsting for revenge, Bernhardt looks up Pat Morita (also briefly reprising his BLOODSPORT 2 role)

 

Morita: 'Thank God I'm only on set for two hours.'

who sends him to train with a new Kumite master, Master Hee Il Cho.  And so Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt embarks on an epic training montage that seems culled almost exactly from another JCVD film: KICKBOXER.

Workin' on the ol' leg extension...

...for the big payoff: the splits!

Naturally this is replete with HELLRAISER-style torture and balanced with TOP GUN-ish homoerotica:

And finally, like Christopher Cross, he learns how to 'charm that snake.'  Unlike JCVD, who simply punches them, Bernhardt waves his hands around and mesmerizes the little fellow.

–"Wow.  'Indiana Jones' much?"

"Definitely.  In fact, this whole movie feels a little 'Indiana Jones' to me, between John Rhys-Davies, the Sri Lankan locales (as in TEMPLE OF DOOM), the elephant rides, the white tuxedos, the snake stuff, et cetera."

–"Would you say, 'INDIANA BERNHARDT AND THE TEMPLE OF KOOM... ITAY?'"

"No.  I would not say that.  So finally we get to the main event.  Rhys-Davies has bet his entire fortune on the big bad fighter named 'Beast,' who kinda looks like a poor man's Mayor Mike Haggar (from FINAL FIGHT).

 

Mayor Mike Haggar...

...and his low rent counterpart, sans bitchin' one-strapped overall, but with the same forest green pants!

Rhys-Davies has also done his damnedest to keep Bernhardt out of the Kumite, an endeavor at which, naturally, he does not succeed."
–"Lay down some Kumite highlights for me."
"Most of the fighters have splendid names, like 'Camacho Supe,' 'Bruce Burly,' 'Chai' (like the tea, I guess), 'JJ Tucker,' and 'Sparx.'  I could go on.  I will go on.

That fight there involves 'Stellio,' which is pronounced like 'Steel-Leo.'

 

This one features freakin' 'MAX OMEGA.'  Whoever was naming these background fighters deserves a raise."

–"Those are pretty good.  You're beginning to pique my interest."

"Yeah.  And speaking of Max Omega, he's played by kickboxer Chad Stahelski, who is a returning fighter––he played 'clown makeup guy' in BLOODSPORT 2, who is totally the same character––he just switched favorite bands from KISS to Cinderella:

 

Max Omega in BLOODSPORT 2...

...and BLOODSPORT III.

There's also a fighter who's allowed to use a whip for some reason

and then there's my personal favorite, the aforementioned 'Stellio.'  Played by UFC fighter Erik Paulson, Stellio kinda dresses in an unlikely fusion between 'Burning Man refugee' and 'roadie for Lynyrd Skynyrd.' 

His acting choices are brilliantly inconsistent (though the blame probably lies with the editor)––for instance, after winning a fight against a throwaway character, he stares down Bernhardt, points at him, and screams, 'YOU'RE DEAD!!!'  

The next time we see him, he's sitting next to Bernhardt in the Kumite waiting area and he throws him a head nod, as if to say, 'Nice job, bro.  We should hang out sometime.'

This is demonstrably fantastic.  Also, later he bites Bernhardt's calves."

–"That's cool."

"I really stand by the Kumite scenes in this movie.  The sound effects are ludicrously goopy––each punch and kick sounds like heads are being squished and hearts are being ripped out of bodies.  And the whole thing is scored by what amounts to a hilariously 'action-y,' ersatz version of Hendrix's 'Foxy Lady.'  Also, despite the nonstop kick-blasting action of the Kumite, the filmmakers felt the need to stick with their frame story, so occasionally we cut to Bernhardt & son on a camping trip and the son will say something like 'Wow, were you scared?' and Bernhardt will say 'No,' and then we cut back to the Kumite."

–"I appreciate that."

"Oh, yeah–––and during one of the frame story cutaways, we learn that Bernhardt's mastery of the 'Iron Hand' technique allows him to light fires with the force of his mind. 

This magical ability is conspicuously not used at the Kumite.  If he could, why didn't he go all 'CARRIE' on their asses?"

–"Oh man, I would totally watch a movie that was like a Kumite of Stephen King characters.  Jack Torrance with his axe, Annie Wilkes with her sledgehammer, Carrie shooting fire..."

"Cujo, the Chattery Teeth, Pennywise, Randall Flagg... Yeah, I could see that working.  I'm going to file the copyright on that right away.  We can call it a 'King-itay.'  

–"Sure."

"Annnyway, we get to see a Double-Split Slap-Battle:

If you can't appreciate the exquisite poetry of a Double-Split Slap-Battle, then there's truly nothing I can do for you.  You are lost. Awash.  Forever at sea, unmoored.  You will never know true joy."

–"No, I'm on board for that."

"Good.  So the Kumite ends up going pretty much how you would expect, and Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt gets to do his best JCVD crazyface while drooling blood,

 

and he's good at it, too.  This is authentic, JCVD-approved crazyface.  Finally, at the end they replay that glorious 'Rhythm of the Kumite' song that closed out BLOODSPORT 2.  And that's all she wrote."

–"I might actually have to watch this."

"I tentatively recommend.  While it commits the unforgivable mistake of not bringing back 'Jackson' (Donald Gibb) as they did in BLOODSPORT 2 (what, was he busy or something?), at the end of the day BLOODSPORT III possesses a fair number of remarkable and spit-take-inducing moments, and some of the best-ever character names of third-string Kumite competitors. I give it three and a half stars."

–"That seems like a lot."

"It's really not. And I eagerly await viewing the next installment (BLOODSPORT 4: THE DARK KUMITE), which has a batshit reputation, seems to steal liberally from DEATH WARRANT, and indeed looks completely bananas."

–Sean Gill

Film Review: KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1985, J. Lee Thompson)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.

Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "The Adventure of a Lifetime"

Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring Richard Chamberlain (SHOGUN, THE MUSIC LOVERS), Sharon Stone (BASIC INSTINCT, SLIVER), John Rhys-Davies (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING), Herbert Lom (THE DEAD ZONE, SPARTACUS).  Written by Gene Quintano (POLICE ACADEMY 3, POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL) and James R. Silke (REVENGE OF THE NINJA, NINJA III: THE DOMINATION).  Music by Jerry Goldsmith (THE OMEN, GREMLINS, ALIEN).  Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus.  Directed by J. Lee Thompson (CAPE FEAR, DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN).

Best One-liner:  "I'll take that rug!"

KING SOLOMON'S MINES is an unabashed, unrepentant rip-off of the Indiana Jones series, sloppily orchestrated by everybody's favorite 1980s production company, Cannon Films.  The utter shamelessness of the effort is staggering... and brilliant... and absurd. 

First, a little background.  Cannon Films wanted to celebrate the centennial of Henry Rider Haggard's famed adventure novel, KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1885) and make a few dollars along the way by ridin' the Indiana Jones gravy train.  They shot two movies (this and ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD) simultaneously to maximize the profit (as was the case with 1970s classics like THE THREE MUSKETEERS/FOUR MUSKETEERS and SUPERMAN/SUPERMAN II, among others).  Tobe Hooper was originally slated to direct, but instead used his Cannon Connections to do LIFEFORCE the same year.  In his absence, resident director and Charles Bronson-wrangler J. Lee Thompson took over.  Apparently the shoot proved to be so cursed that he (possibly apocryphally) hired a witch doctor (!) to make sure things didn't get any worse.  

As our Indiana Jones– er, I mean, Allan Quatermain– they hired Richard Chamberlain who so brilliantly portrayed Tchaikovsky in Ken Russell's THE MUSIC LOVERS, but Cannon was probably excited he'd made some recent success in the TV miniseries department (SHOGUN, THE THORN BIRDS).  

 

Chamberlain and Stone encounter the natives in KING SOLOMON'S MINES.

Ford and Capshaw encounter the natives in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.

Sharon Stone is our female lead, and any similarity to TEMPLE OF DOOM's Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) is surely coincidental.  

  

Sharon Stone as  Jesse Huston.

  

Kate Capshaw as Willie Scott.

When I saw Golan speak a few years back he said (with utter charm) "Sharon Stone is our discovery.  She was a nobody before us."  And I think this exact quote from the IMDb trivia page says it all:  "Sharon Stone was hired by mistake Golan had wanted another actress instead of her."  That's perfect.

But back to the movie.  This thing is awful.  But it is also spectacular.  I'm not even sure how I feel about it.  It often plays like goofball parody, but it's got that sincere Cannon moxie, too, mixed with plenty of non-sequiturs. I suppose the major question here is this:  Is Cannon Films taking the piss?  Is this an elaborate joke on the audience?  I genuinely can't tell. On the one hand, it's directed by stiff-lipped Englishman J. Lee Thompson (CAPE FEAR, THE GUNS OF NAVARONE), who managed to make a scene where Bronson assaults a man with a dildo feel earnestly grim.  On the other, it's co-written by the guy who did POLICE ACADEMY 3 &4.  Hmm.  

Let's look at the opening scene as a case study.  RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK-alumnus John Rhys-Davies (who is a fan of paychecks) is trying to force some poor sap into translating the writing on a mystical artifact. 

The poor sap translator's buddy makes a run for the door, whereupon he triggers a deadly trap that skewers him against the doorway with what is essentially a giant meat tenderizer.

It's sort of gruesome, and is not played for a laugh.  Then John Rhys-Davies' crony, who apparently owns the building they use for intimidating potential artifact translators, pops up and exclaims, "MY DOOR!"

like how Charles Bronson says, "It's MY car!" in DEATH WISH 3.  Why is he so concerned?  If he owns the building, he already knows that he had a giant meat tenderizer hanging from the ceiling, ready to destroy his door if someone tried to escape.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Like, "wow, he is overly concerned about the property damage right now."  Or is it supposed to be harsh character-building, like "gee, these guys are tough customers– they just murdered somebody and only care about the holes in the door."  Or is it supposedly to be morbidly and cretinously 'funny' in a BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD vein, like "Hah ha!  That guy got skewered!"  It's difficult to assess.

Most of this film is difficult to assess.  It's packed with racist, imperialist attitudes (replicated from the original 1885 novel) but they're handled with the bizarro Cannon approach, the same one that brought us colorblind gang violence in DEATH WISH 3 and the "It's A Small World" of rap videos in RAPPIN'.  This movie is racially problematic to the point where you begin to wonder if it possesses a spoofy-self awareness, applying a post-modern lens to Nineteenth Century attitudes.  But in the end,  you can't approve of a movie where every person of color is either a buffoon, a cannibal, or someone who desires to feed you to crocodiles for sport.

This movie came out in 1985.

So let's pretend that KING SOLOMON'S MINES is a spoof of classic adventure novels, cultural appropriation, racist caricatures, etc., etc...  so then why is it trying so hard at times to be an Indiana Jones film?  In this regard, I mean that it drops the jokey façade and attempts to recreate, nearly shot for shot, several setpieces from the first two Indy movies.  [Of course this is all rather like an ouroboros (the snake eating its own tail), because the Indy movies are inspired by the Republic serials that were inspired by the original Quatermain novels, but no matter.]

There's the "Basket Game" scene from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, whereupon Indiana Jones tries to save Marion from the Nazis in Cairo after she's whisked away in a basket by Egyptian goons on the German payroll.  The same thing happens in KING SOLOMON'S MINES, except they throw Sharon Stone in a carpet roll instead of a basket.

 
 Indy shoves his way through the crowd in RAIDERS.

 
 Quatermain shoves his way through the crowd in MINES.


The basket's getting away in RAIDERS.


The carpet's getting away in MINES.


Then, take the famous "Ark Truck Chase" scene from RAIDERS.  Indy is flung through the windshield, over the hood, under the truck, and dragged from behind while clinging to his whip.


In MINES, the exact same thing happens– except it's on a train, not a truck, so it's totally different.



My final example (I could go on) is from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.  Indy and Short Round find themselves trapped in a chamber where spikes descend from the ceiling after a large stone lever is pressed.

The exact scenario arises in MINES, except the budget's lower, so we get papier-maché stalactites instead of the aforementioned fearsome iron spikes.

So that would seem to close the book on that– it's not parodying Indiana Jones– it wants to be Indiana Jones.  Though we cannot neglect the major point here:  this is a Cannon Film.  It can't be Indiana Jones, no matter how hard it tries.  It's not going to be competent enough to do so.  But in trying, you would assume that it could stumble upon some unintentional movie magic.  And, on a few occasions, it does:

SEE!  A giant, rabid spider eat a poor extra wearing a fez:

It comes with the Cannon guarantee that you've seen better special effects on your neighbor's lawn last Halloween.

BEHOLD!  An evil sorcerer thrown down a pit like the Emperor in RETURN OF THE JEDI and exploding in flower of matted-in flames!

GAZE UPON!  A Nessie-style dinosaur chomping on a man while Sharon Stone looks on in terrorized disbelief!

Sharon Stone, Oscar-nominated (...for CASINO).

In the end, as I said, I'm not sure what to do with this.  It comes nowhere near the heights of the Cannon classics (like BLOODSPORT or THE APPLE or REVENGE OF THE NINJA), and is probably most comparable to FIREWALKER, another J. Lee Thompson-directed Cannon rip-off of Indiana Jones.  But, being part freak show and part train wreck, I sorta can't believe this thing exists, and for that I must award it about two and a half (extremely awkward) stars.

–Sean Gill