Only now does it occur to me... DOUBLE IMPACT (1991)

Only now does it occur to me... that DOUBLE IMPACT takes us but one step closer to the ultimate dream: a movie inhabited only by Jean-Claude Van Dammes.

Sadly, this step is not enough. Honestly, this is one of the weaker JCVD films from his Golden Era, even though the set up is half BATMAN, half-STAR WARS. When their parents are killed (on the way to the opera?) by Hong Kong triads

including, Bolo Yeung, he of the crazy-face in BLOODSPORT,

the identical twin baby JCVDs are separated and whisked away to safety. One remains in Hong Kong to become a badass, and one is whisked off to the U.S.A. by Geoffrey Lewis (EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE, BRONCO BILLY, SALEM'S LOT, MAVERICK), who is basically the Obi-Wan Kenobi of this scenario.

This American JCVD becomes an '80s aerobics instructor, and there's a reason why the brief scene in his studio is probably the best in the film. That reason is JCVD saying "I can do the splits, no problem" to a bevy of admiring fitness gals

"Noooo problem"


and then humping the floor at full extension


for their gratification and ours, apparently. Oh, and did I say this took place inside "JCVD's aerobics studio?" Obviously, I meant "in the waiting room to an office space the production had access to, maybe even the production company's offices."


Not knowing about his secret twin or murdered parents, he then heads to Hong Kong, wearing the best pink-centric ensembles 1991 could provide:

note the shorts:

Who... me?

After some mistaken identity shenanigans and JCVD #2 almost accidentally hooking up with JCVD #1's girlfriend who is a kind of "Cannon Films Jessica Rabbit"/"ersatz Jessica Lange" (Alonna Shaw)

the twin brothers have their shocking first meeting:

 
Well-acted, sir

At first, they hate each other because Hong Kong badass JCVD thinks that aerobics instructor JCVD is a "black silk underwear-wearing" homophobic slur.

Somehow they ended up with the exact same physiques and Belgian accents, despite being raised in Hong Kong and the U.S.A., respectively. Unlike the writers of TWINS, the writers of DOUBLE IMPACT are definitely on the "nature" end of the "nature vs. nuture" debate. The dual JCVDs end up fostering a mutual respect from beating up bad guys and shooting them with dual-wielded handguns, which feels like JCVD auditioning for a John Woo movie.

The audition worked, by the way––by '93, he was starring in Woo's HARD TARGET

This whole thing is pretty half-baked and there are four names on the screenplay, including Jean-Claude Van Damme himself (who wrote THE QUEST, if you'll recall) and Sheldon Lettich (RAMBO III, BLOODSPORT). There's a BLOODSPORT-referencing scene whereupon somebody's nuts get punched, but unlike in that masterpiece, or in LIONHEART or in KICKBOXER, here it's JCVD getting smacked instead of doing the smacking.



The smacker is Bolo Yeung himself, undermining JCVD's trademark move. (You'll recall that I am the web's leading authority on "brutal ball-squeezing.")

As the film lurches toward its finale, we have a lot of emoting

and a Bolo/JCVD rematch involving a big-ass oil barrel, which feels like a bit out of the video game FINAL FIGHT.


Another highlight is Corinna Everson (NATURAL BORN KILLERS, HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS), a bodybuilder and Ms. Olympia who plays a minor villain here

and sort of comes across as "dominatrix Laurie Metcalf," or, at the very least, the "Sensational Sherri" to Alonna Shaw's "Miss Elizabeth," as it were.

Anywho, the two JCVDs ultimately hug it out


and it ends on on a freeze frame that is better than 97% of the movie. Notably this freeze frame:

I'll leave you with a benediction, or maybe an epitaph, spoken aloud by my better half near the conclusion of DOUBLE IMPACT:

"CYBORG is a much better movie than this."   –My Wife

Only now does it occur to me... THE GOLDEN GIRLS, "A MIDWINTER NIGHT'S DREAM" (7x19) (1992)

Only now does it occur to me... that my life would be complete once I saw Betty White make a JCVD reference on THE GOLDEN GIRLS. (This is Quarantine Life, ladies and gentlemen.)

In this particular episode, Betty White's "Rose Nylund" reveals that she has won a mail-in giveaway for a honeymoon trip. Obviously, her housemates take this as engagement announcement, but Rose explains her true motivations:












And there you have it: the impetus for THE GOLDEN GIRLS/BLOODSPORT crossover you always, somehow, knew you needed.

Only now does it occur to me... GORGEOUS (1999)

Only now does it occur to me... that Jackie Chan has some opinions about Jean-Claude Van Damme.

First off, GORGEOUS is a one of Jackie's lesser-known ventures, and for good reason. When a movie, A. stars Jackie Chan and Tony Leung and B., is written, choreographed, and produced by Jackie Chan––a viewer might assume they were in the proximity of greatness. However, this particular film was made near the apex of Jackie's international stardom (in 1999, fresh off of '98's RUSH HOUR), and I believe he was in the, shall we say––"George Lucas/PHANTOM MENACE phase" of his creative output, in that no one was willing say "no" to his more questionable ideas. Consequently, what we have here is a part children's movie/part romantic comedy that is––for the most part––about CGI dolphins, fashion, recycling, a semi-creepy April/September romance, and questionable gay stereotypes.

One of the CGI dolphins in question.


Tony Leung is doing his best, it's true.

In that description, I've probably made it seem a little more fun than it actually is, but rest assured that for the majority of its runtime, GORGEOUS is dull and uncomfortable. [For context, my favorite '90s Jackie Chan films are RUMBLE IN THE BRONX, THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER, and SUPERCOP. I have genuine love for WHO AM I?, SUPERCOP 2, CRIME STORY, and TWIN DRAGONS. And despite everything, I do enjoy RUSH HOUR.]

In any event, I come to you today, not to rip on Jackie Chan (whose filmography has brought me endless joy) but to interpret two glorious action sequences which appear in the latter half of the film.

First, I'll set the scene. Within the film, Jackie Chan plays a recycled paper magnate named "Jackie Chan," who is pursuing a young lady half his age (Qi Shu of THE TRANSPORTER)

which leads to many groan-inducing romantic scenarios, but it does inspire a few genuine laughs, like when a man follows Qi around with an electric fan to give her perpetually wind-blown hair:

and when Jackie is overwhelmed by the size of his snifter glass:

This is a highlight.

In any event, Jackie's also been navigating a volatile friendship with his childhood best bud, who is now a gangster. Because Jackie keeps getting the best of him (and humiliating his hired thugs), the gangster decides to import some outside talent from Europe:




When the fighter arrives, he's played by a Jackie Chan-ensemble stuntman named Bradley James Allan, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Jean-Claude Van Damme, in appearance, physique, and fighting style:

(not to be confused with Daniel Bernhardt, the original Jean-Faux Van Damme)

As if this were not immediately obvious, the gangster quickly cracks a JCVD-reference about his new Euro muscle:

I'm surprised they didn't say he was a master at "bloodsport."
 
And they proceed to make fun of him for being short

and I was certain that Jackie had included him to send him to some ignominious fate and thus get in some gentle JCVD ribbing, á la the Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone "feud"...but then it's Jean-Faux Van Damme II who defeats Jackie in their boxing/kickboxing duel. The entire exchange is very good-natured––more Roddy Piper vs. Keith David in THEY LIVE than JCVD vs. Bolo Yeung in BLOODSPORT, for instance.

This leads to a training montage and a subsequent rematch at Jackie's recycled paper factory. This is when Bradley James Allan truly gets his chance to shine. In a movie that is largely devoted to dolphin fondling, clichéd jokes, and first dates, this final action setpiece is a mini-masterpiece of kinetic martial arts insanity. The speed at which Jackie and Bradley ply their craft is jaw-dropping––and the stylistic similarities to JCVD action scenes are plain:




Jackie puts his own spin on it, however, and by the end the duel has evolved into a ballroom dance-fight with balletic lifts and other slapstick absurdities:




Whereupon they proceed to punch and kick each other silly until they go cross-eyed in a tableau even Jerry Lewis might deem unsubtle:


but they depart as friends.

Much like, apparently, in real life:

 
 And here I had no idea. While I've since learned that they've both appeared in KUNG FU PANDA sequels, here's hoping that one day they actually make a movie together...