Only now does it occur to me... GORGEOUS (1999)

Only now does it occur to me... that Jackie Chan has some opinions about Jean-Claude Van Damme.

First off, GORGEOUS is a one of Jackie's lesser-known ventures, and for good reason. When a movie, A. stars Jackie Chan and Tony Leung and B., is written, choreographed, and produced by Jackie Chan––a viewer might assume they were in the proximity of greatness. However, this particular film was made near the apex of Jackie's international stardom (in 1999, fresh off of '98's RUSH HOUR), and I believe he was in the, shall we say––"George Lucas/PHANTOM MENACE phase" of his creative output, in that no one was willing say "no" to his more questionable ideas. Consequently, what we have here is a part children's movie/part romantic comedy that is––for the most part––about CGI dolphins, fashion, recycling, a semi-creepy April/September romance, and questionable gay stereotypes.

One of the CGI dolphins in question.


Tony Leung is doing his best, it's true.

In that description, I've probably made it seem a little more fun than it actually is, but rest assured that for the majority of its runtime, GORGEOUS is dull and uncomfortable. [For context, my favorite '90s Jackie Chan films are RUMBLE IN THE BRONX, THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER, and SUPERCOP. I have genuine love for WHO AM I?, SUPERCOP 2, CRIME STORY, and TWIN DRAGONS. And despite everything, I do enjoy RUSH HOUR.]

In any event, I come to you today, not to rip on Jackie Chan (whose filmography has brought me endless joy) but to interpret two glorious action sequences which appear in the latter half of the film.

First, I'll set the scene. Within the film, Jackie Chan plays a recycled paper magnate named "Jackie Chan," who is pursuing a young lady half his age (Qi Shu of THE TRANSPORTER)

which leads to many groan-inducing romantic scenarios, but it does inspire a few genuine laughs, like when a man follows Qi around with an electric fan to give her perpetually wind-blown hair:

and when Jackie is overwhelmed by the size of his snifter glass:

This is a highlight.

In any event, Jackie's also been navigating a volatile friendship with his childhood best bud, who is now a gangster. Because Jackie keeps getting the best of him (and humiliating his hired thugs), the gangster decides to import some outside talent from Europe:




When the fighter arrives, he's played by a Jackie Chan-ensemble stuntman named Bradley James Allan, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Jean-Claude Van Damme, in appearance, physique, and fighting style:

(not to be confused with Daniel Bernhardt, the original Jean-Faux Van Damme)

As if this were not immediately obvious, the gangster quickly cracks a JCVD-reference about his new Euro muscle:

I'm surprised they didn't say he was a master at "bloodsport."
 
And they proceed to make fun of him for being short

and I was certain that Jackie had included him to send him to some ignominious fate and thus get in some gentle JCVD ribbing, á la the Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone "feud"...but then it's Jean-Faux Van Damme II who defeats Jackie in their boxing/kickboxing duel. The entire exchange is very good-natured––more Roddy Piper vs. Keith David in THEY LIVE than JCVD vs. Bolo Yeung in BLOODSPORT, for instance.

This leads to a training montage and a subsequent rematch at Jackie's recycled paper factory. This is when Bradley James Allan truly gets his chance to shine. In a movie that is largely devoted to dolphin fondling, clichéd jokes, and first dates, this final action setpiece is a mini-masterpiece of kinetic martial arts insanity. The speed at which Jackie and Bradley ply their craft is jaw-dropping––and the stylistic similarities to JCVD action scenes are plain:




Jackie puts his own spin on it, however, and by the end the duel has evolved into a ballroom dance-fight with balletic lifts and other slapstick absurdities:




Whereupon they proceed to punch and kick each other silly until they go cross-eyed in a tableau even Jerry Lewis might deem unsubtle:


but they depart as friends.

Much like, apparently, in real life:

 
 And here I had no idea. While I've since learned that they've both appeared in KUNG FU PANDA sequels, here's hoping that one day they actually make a movie together...

Film Review: THE PROTECTOR (1985, James Glickenhaus)

Stars: 3 of 5.

Running Time: 91 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Jackie Chan (RUMBLE IN THE BRONX, THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER), Danny Aiello (THE STUFF, DO THE RIGHT THING), Roy Chiao (BLOODSPORT, INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM), John Spencer (THE ROCK, THE WEST WING), Mike Starr (GOODFELLAS, ED WOOD), Moon Lee (MR. VAMPIRE, FIGHTING MADAM, FIGHTING MADAM 2).  Cinematography by Mark Irwin (VIDEODROME, SCANNERS).

Tag-line:  "Now, New York has a new weapon––a cop with his own way of fighting crime!"

Best one-liner:  "I never go anywhere in southeast Asia without an Uzi!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:
"Whaddya got for me today?"
-"Jackie Chan."
"Brilliant––he's one of my all-time favorite action stars, what with his gleeful comic timing, death-defying stunts, and penchant for Cannon Films-style wacky-action!"
-"What would you call that?  'Wacktion?'"
"Oh, stop.  So which one is it?  RUMBLE IN THE BRONX?  THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER? WHO AM I?"
-"THE PROTECTOR."
"THE PROTECTOR?!  You've never reviewed a Jackie Chan movie before, and you're starting with this one?"
-"This ain't my first Jackie-rodeo.  I can start wherever I want.  Though the truth is, I'm starting here because something like RUMBLE IN THE BRONX fills me with so much joy that I find myself unable to do something so pedestrian as taking notes for a review."
"But THE PROTECTOR?!  Jackie disavowed this film––the Americans didn't know what to do with him, despite the fact it's a Golden Harvest co-production.  It's filled with toothless action, devoid of humor, and clearly choreographed by frightened insurance adjusters.  It's like they checked Jackie's charm at the door and stuck him in the middle of a straight-to-video Chuck Norris vehicle."
-"I take offense to that."
"But you'll admit that this is a little more 'HERO AND THE TERROR' than 'SUPERCOP,' will you not?"
-"So it's not his best work.  So what?  There's plenty to enjoy here, and on a number of levels.  For starters, it's from director James Glickenhaus, a sleazy-NYC scion who brought us MCBAIN and THE EXTERMINATOR, and who is thus indirectly responsible for EXTERMINATOR 2, one of Cannon Films' greatest achievements."
"Go on..."
-"It depicts a New York hellscape, like out of DEATH WISH 3 or CYBORG, gangs with gaudy skull earrings and leather jackets with oversized shoulderpads roaming around a burned-out urban husk, populated only by man-sized rats and trash can fires.  They take out truckin' buddy semi-trailers like bandits going after covered wagons. "

"I can appreciate that."
-"Then we have Jackie Chan and his partner."

"Who's his partner?"
-"It really doesn't matter, because in his very first scene he shows off a stuffed animal he bought for his kid.  This small, sympathetic touch clearly telegraphs that he's not long for this world.  Saying it was his last week before retirement would have worked just as well, too."
"As far as buddy cop flicks go, that is an indisputable truth."
-"Indeed.  And as I predicted, he is fated to die before even nine minutes of movie have elapsed.  Gunned down by a gang of dudes with machine guns who accidentally rob a dive bar at 10:00 A.M. instead of the grocery store from COBRA, which they clearly intended."

"What a tragic scene."
-"Don't worry--Jackie puts it right, blasting the bad dudes with a handgun and only occasionally using flourishes of physicality and martial art.


The last guy escapes, but Jackie aims a speedboat at his speedboat and blows him up real good, all the while making his escape with a very conveniently timed helicopter rope."



"Is that the Statue of Liberty, under renovation?"
-"Hell yes it is.  That's the kind of moxie this movie's got.  Glickenhaus loves his New York, warts and all.  Where another filmmaker might have chosen not to show the scaffolding to preserve the aesthetic fairy tale, Glickenhaus revels in it.  He probably shows it to us five or six times."
"Nice."
-"And curiously, the caliber of cinematography is much higher than you'd expect for this sort of film.  I soon discovered it was vividly photographed by Cronenberg's own Mark Irwin!"

"That man sure knows how to do a glassy, glossy cityscape."
 -"Indeed he does.  So with the plot officially underway, THE PROTECTOR makes sure it hits every buddy cop trope, down the line.  Jackie's stick-up-his-ass boss disciplines him with the old "that's no excuse for blowing up half the goddamn harbor" and threatens to have his "badge and gun on my desk!"

We've all been there.

which is followed up by a slow clap scene whereupon his colleagues dramatically submit their approval of his maverick, hot-doggin', action-luvin' ways.




This is one of the best-ever 'contagious slow-clap' scenes in cinema, right up there with ROCKY IV.  The dead-eyed stare from the cop who starts it is well worth the price of admission.

Soon thereafter, there's a fashion show (prefiguring DEATH WISH 5),

Not quite ALL THAT JAZZ.

and Jackie is paired with Danny Aiello, and pretty much the remainder of the film takes place in Hong Kong––"
"Hold on one gosh-gadoodlin' minute.  Did you say Danny Aiello?"
-"Yes."

"You mean to tell me that there exists an 80s buddy cop movie with Jackie Chan and Danny Aiello."
-"Correct."
"Talk about burying the lede!  What the hell are you doing?"
-"Come on.  Let me do this at my own pace."
"So what does this turn into, a fish-out-of-water story, with Aiello at sea in Hong Kong?"

-"No, and they were clearly resisting that idea.  They say he 'spent a lot of time there during Vietnam.'  You can tell he knows the city very well because they have him say things like 'I never go anywhere in southeast Asia without an Uzi!'"
"Oh."
-"Yeah.  Once we get to Hong Kong, the proceedings slow down a little bit.  I think Glickenhaus is a bit out of his element. Eventually, there's an assassin wearing Marianne Faithfull's outfit from GIRL ON A MOTORCYCLE, some head butts, some homoerotic splashing,


an action scene at a massage parlor/brothel, and a guy who attacks Jackie Chan with a handheld buzzsaw."

"Is that buzzsaw spraying neon-colored liquids?"
-"They're in a paint factory or something.  I don't know.  So later, Roy Chiao––the 'Obi-Wan Kenobi' of BLOODSPORT and the gangster at the Club Obi Wan in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM shows up to portray the villain of the piece."
"I see what you did there, and I'm not particularly impressed."

-"Anyway, Chiao doesn't have a whole lot to do beyond 'look menacing.'  Eventually, Danny Aiello––and not Jackie Chan, like the movie poster promises––wields that Duke Nukem style hand cannon and makes some stuff explode.

Jackie Chan drops a load of bricks on a helicopter and that's about it.  The stunts never take center stage and Jackie is never is allowed to do anything too endearing.  The whole thing is kinda not as good as it should be."
"That's what I figured.  Next time I'm picking the movie."
-"Yeah, yeah.  Three stars."

––Sean Gill