Film Review: KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1985, J. Lee Thompson)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.

Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "The Adventure of a Lifetime"

Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring Richard Chamberlain (SHOGUN, THE MUSIC LOVERS), Sharon Stone (BASIC INSTINCT, SLIVER), John Rhys-Davies (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING), Herbert Lom (THE DEAD ZONE, SPARTACUS).  Written by Gene Quintano (POLICE ACADEMY 3, POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL) and James R. Silke (REVENGE OF THE NINJA, NINJA III: THE DOMINATION).  Music by Jerry Goldsmith (THE OMEN, GREMLINS, ALIEN).  Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus.  Directed by J. Lee Thompson (CAPE FEAR, DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN).

Best One-liner:  "I'll take that rug!"

KING SOLOMON'S MINES is an unabashed, unrepentant rip-off of the Indiana Jones series, sloppily orchestrated by everybody's favorite 1980s production company, Cannon Films.  The utter shamelessness of the effort is staggering... and brilliant... and absurd. 

First, a little background.  Cannon Films wanted to celebrate the centennial of Henry Rider Haggard's famed adventure novel, KING SOLOMON'S MINES (1885) and make a few dollars along the way by ridin' the Indiana Jones gravy train.  They shot two movies (this and ALLAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD) simultaneously to maximize the profit (as was the case with 1970s classics like THE THREE MUSKETEERS/FOUR MUSKETEERS and SUPERMAN/SUPERMAN II, among others).  Tobe Hooper was originally slated to direct, but instead used his Cannon Connections to do LIFEFORCE the same year.  In his absence, resident director and Charles Bronson-wrangler J. Lee Thompson took over.  Apparently the shoot proved to be so cursed that he (possibly apocryphally) hired a witch doctor (!) to make sure things didn't get any worse.  

As our Indiana Jones– er, I mean, Allan Quatermain– they hired Richard Chamberlain who so brilliantly portrayed Tchaikovsky in Ken Russell's THE MUSIC LOVERS, but Cannon was probably excited he'd made some recent success in the TV miniseries department (SHOGUN, THE THORN BIRDS).  

 

Chamberlain and Stone encounter the natives in KING SOLOMON'S MINES.

Ford and Capshaw encounter the natives in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.

Sharon Stone is our female lead, and any similarity to TEMPLE OF DOOM's Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) is surely coincidental.  

  

Sharon Stone as  Jesse Huston.

  

Kate Capshaw as Willie Scott.

When I saw Golan speak a few years back he said (with utter charm) "Sharon Stone is our discovery.  She was a nobody before us."  And I think this exact quote from the IMDb trivia page says it all:  "Sharon Stone was hired by mistake Golan had wanted another actress instead of her."  That's perfect.

But back to the movie.  This thing is awful.  But it is also spectacular.  I'm not even sure how I feel about it.  It often plays like goofball parody, but it's got that sincere Cannon moxie, too, mixed with plenty of non-sequiturs. I suppose the major question here is this:  Is Cannon Films taking the piss?  Is this an elaborate joke on the audience?  I genuinely can't tell. On the one hand, it's directed by stiff-lipped Englishman J. Lee Thompson (CAPE FEAR, THE GUNS OF NAVARONE), who managed to make a scene where Bronson assaults a man with a dildo feel earnestly grim.  On the other, it's co-written by the guy who did POLICE ACADEMY 3 &4.  Hmm.  

Let's look at the opening scene as a case study.  RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK-alumnus John Rhys-Davies (who is a fan of paychecks) is trying to force some poor sap into translating the writing on a mystical artifact. 

The poor sap translator's buddy makes a run for the door, whereupon he triggers a deadly trap that skewers him against the doorway with what is essentially a giant meat tenderizer.

It's sort of gruesome, and is not played for a laugh.  Then John Rhys-Davies' crony, who apparently owns the building they use for intimidating potential artifact translators, pops up and exclaims, "MY DOOR!"

like how Charles Bronson says, "It's MY car!" in DEATH WISH 3.  Why is he so concerned?  If he owns the building, he already knows that he had a giant meat tenderizer hanging from the ceiling, ready to destroy his door if someone tried to escape.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Like, "wow, he is overly concerned about the property damage right now."  Or is it supposed to be harsh character-building, like "gee, these guys are tough customers– they just murdered somebody and only care about the holes in the door."  Or is it supposedly to be morbidly and cretinously 'funny' in a BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD vein, like "Hah ha!  That guy got skewered!"  It's difficult to assess.

Most of this film is difficult to assess.  It's packed with racist, imperialist attitudes (replicated from the original 1885 novel) but they're handled with the bizarro Cannon approach, the same one that brought us colorblind gang violence in DEATH WISH 3 and the "It's A Small World" of rap videos in RAPPIN'.  This movie is racially problematic to the point where you begin to wonder if it possesses a spoofy-self awareness, applying a post-modern lens to Nineteenth Century attitudes.  But in the end,  you can't approve of a movie where every person of color is either a buffoon, a cannibal, or someone who desires to feed you to crocodiles for sport.

This movie came out in 1985.

So let's pretend that KING SOLOMON'S MINES is a spoof of classic adventure novels, cultural appropriation, racist caricatures, etc., etc...  so then why is it trying so hard at times to be an Indiana Jones film?  In this regard, I mean that it drops the jokey façade and attempts to recreate, nearly shot for shot, several setpieces from the first two Indy movies.  [Of course this is all rather like an ouroboros (the snake eating its own tail), because the Indy movies are inspired by the Republic serials that were inspired by the original Quatermain novels, but no matter.]

There's the "Basket Game" scene from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, whereupon Indiana Jones tries to save Marion from the Nazis in Cairo after she's whisked away in a basket by Egyptian goons on the German payroll.  The same thing happens in KING SOLOMON'S MINES, except they throw Sharon Stone in a carpet roll instead of a basket.

 
 Indy shoves his way through the crowd in RAIDERS.

 
 Quatermain shoves his way through the crowd in MINES.


The basket's getting away in RAIDERS.


The carpet's getting away in MINES.


Then, take the famous "Ark Truck Chase" scene from RAIDERS.  Indy is flung through the windshield, over the hood, under the truck, and dragged from behind while clinging to his whip.


In MINES, the exact same thing happens– except it's on a train, not a truck, so it's totally different.



My final example (I could go on) is from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.  Indy and Short Round find themselves trapped in a chamber where spikes descend from the ceiling after a large stone lever is pressed.

The exact scenario arises in MINES, except the budget's lower, so we get papier-maché stalactites instead of the aforementioned fearsome iron spikes.

So that would seem to close the book on that– it's not parodying Indiana Jones– it wants to be Indiana Jones.  Though we cannot neglect the major point here:  this is a Cannon Film.  It can't be Indiana Jones, no matter how hard it tries.  It's not going to be competent enough to do so.  But in trying, you would assume that it could stumble upon some unintentional movie magic.  And, on a few occasions, it does:

SEE!  A giant, rabid spider eat a poor extra wearing a fez:

It comes with the Cannon guarantee that you've seen better special effects on your neighbor's lawn last Halloween.

BEHOLD!  An evil sorcerer thrown down a pit like the Emperor in RETURN OF THE JEDI and exploding in flower of matted-in flames!

GAZE UPON!  A Nessie-style dinosaur chomping on a man while Sharon Stone looks on in terrorized disbelief!

Sharon Stone, Oscar-nominated (...for CASINO).

In the end, as I said, I'm not sure what to do with this.  It comes nowhere near the heights of the Cannon classics (like BLOODSPORT or THE APPLE or REVENGE OF THE NINJA), and is probably most comparable to FIREWALKER, another J. Lee Thompson-directed Cannon rip-off of Indiana Jones.  But, being part freak show and part train wreck, I sorta can't believe this thing exists, and for that I must award it about two and a half (extremely awkward) stars.

–Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN

I reviewed DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN a while back, but upon rewatching it this Fourth of July, I noticed something new:

  

Only now does it occur to me... that Bronson meets the venerable John P. Ryan at a movie theater that only plays Cannon Films:  namely Zefirelli's OTELLO and Konchalovsky's RUNAWAY TRAIN:

I'm guessing he went for the senior discount.

Now, apparently John P. Ryan's character picked the movie within the context of DEATH WISH 4, so it's interesting that he went for OTELLO instead of RUNAWAY TRAIN, which co-stars: John P. Ryan. 

Anyway, Bronson walks in, mid-way through OTELLO and in a bold move on Cannon's part, the theater is shown to be half-empty:

Bronson sits down next to John P. Ryan and they take in OTELLO for a few moments before proceeding with their secret vigilante meeting.

 They look severely underwhelmed by the picture.  In fact, they remind me of two other old men I know...two old men who spend a lot of time hanging out in theaters and being grumpy...

There we go.  Thanks, DEATH WISH 4!

Film Review: KINJITE– FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS (1989, J. Lee Thompson)

 

Stars: 4.5 of 5.

Running Time: 97 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Charles Bronson.  Perry Lopez (CHINATOWN, KELLY'S HEROES), Peggy Lipton (TWIN PEAKS, THE MOD SQUAD), Juan Fernández (BULLETPROOF, SALVADOR, CROCODILE DUNDEE II), Sy Richardson (REPO MAN, THEY LIVE, SID & NANCY), James Pax ("Lightning" in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA), Nicole Eggert (BAYWATCH, CHARLES IN CHARGE), Bill McKinney (DELIVERANCE, FIRST BLOOD), and Danny Trejo (DESPERADO, MACHETE).  Executive Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus.   Music by Greg De Belles (LAMBADA, LONGTIME COMPANION).  Cinematography by Gideon Porath (DEATH WISH 4, AMERICAN NINJA 2). 

Tag-line: "A cop full of hatred can't work by the book."

Best one-liner:  "I'd like to shove this up your ass, but I don't want to dirty my hands!"


Hey–
 
What the–

Is that a–


Eat your heart out 50 SHADES OF GREY.  This is 50 SHADES OF BRONSON!!!

The ninth out of nine collaborations between Charles Bronson and director J. Lee Thompson, KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS is looked upon by the consensus as ending this colossal cinematic team's output (DEATH WISH 4, MESSENGER OF DEATH, MURPHY'S LAW, THE WHITE BUFFALO, THE EVIL THAT MEN DO, ST. IVES) with a whimper.  I'm here to tell you that, happily, that's not the case.  (And as a side note, I'm kind of impressed that I've now reviewed 7 of the 9– all except CABO BLANCO and 10 TO MIDNIGHT.)

Listen: whaddya want?  Just tell me what you want, and I'll see if we have it.  Try me.  Come on.  You want–


CHEEZ FRIES IN DA FACE?

...You're next!

You want high-kickin' senior citizens?


You want Bronson complaining about "sucking hind tit?"


You want Bronson and Perry Lopez (Nicholson's friendly nemesis on the police force in CHINATOWN!) actin' like cop buddies and walking past a poster of Cannon's... SALSA?


You want sleazy Sy Richardson with a deadened gaze and a big ol' jangly earring?


You want Bronson going to sporting events with his daughter and

being spied on by child-kidnapping kiddie-peddlin' pimps
 
as Bronson simultaneously becomes becomes the new 'crush of the moment' for his daughter's best friend?


He is extreme.  What can I say?  Bronson makes quite an impression.
Anyway, we got all this and more forbidden subjects in KINJITE.  But first let's pin this sucker down.  Is it a Public Service Announcement?  A skin flick?  An after-school special?  A gritty revenge movie?  A sitcom pilot?  A Cannon shoot-'em-up?  Is it about race?  Sex?  Culture clash?
The answer to all of these questions of course is... "Yes."

KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS follows a few disparate plot lines which, for the most part, intersect in the most Cannon Film-ish ways possible.  One is the tale of a visiting Japanese businessman played by BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA's "Lightning," James Pax.
 
 He has two daughters who comment on psycho-sexual cultural divides between Japan and America.

And because he saw somebody get away with it on the subway back in Japan, he decides to try some L.A. bus groping on a gal singing the campfire classic, "P is for Party."




Of course, she turns out to be Bronson's daughter:


Now, before you cry 'cringey Japan-sploitation' (which you certainly ought to, at several points), I'd like to submit the idea that Pax delivers the most nuanced, ever-'present' performance in the film.  He is fantastic, at points exuding genuine pathos and vulnerability.  He's kind of too good for this movie, if you catch my meaning.

The next plotline is about those kiddie-peddlin' pimps I alluded to earlier.  They're played by Juan "BULLETPROOF" Fernández and Alex Cox-fixture and cult movie legend, Sy Richardson.  Mostly, they drive around by the bus station, trying to pick up wet-behind-the-ears youngsters

for their booming prostitution ring.  Leave it to Cannon films to tackle teenage hustling and the sex trade with the poetry of "rich asshole bandits."  Also: note denim backpack.

Anyway, these two lowlifes eventually kidnap one of Pax's daughters in a scene which veers wildly  between "genuinely disturbing" and "unintentionally hilarious after-school special" but eventually dips into "coke-and-asscrack-fueled softcore music video" territory.  I'd also like to give special nod to Fernández as "Duke", whose ludicrously hateable pimp-napper reaches fey and comic heights, even for a Cannon film.


This leads us to our main plotline:  BRONSON.  Bronson is a multi-dimensional character.  On the one hand, he's racist toward Asian peoples

as far west as India (!):

but on the other hand, he's just a beleaguered dad

trying to raise a daughter (along with TWIN PEAKS' Peggy Lipton!) in an increasingly complicated world:

the poor guy even has to contend with studs hangin' out in his basement:

on the other other hand, however, this Bronson hates something even more than bus-gropin' Asians and daughter-romancin' studs:  PIMPS!


See, we've come full circle.


...BABIES!

It becomes about justice.  It's the only thing Bronson cares about.  I guess that's the only thing that he usually cares about, but here, in his last Cannon hurrah he's prepared to go to extreme lengths to puncture the truth and to penetrate justice.  As to what I'm alluding to, I can show you better than tell you:

For those of you too scared (or scarred!) to finish the clip and for those whose jaws need to be scraped from the floor with a spatula, that was indeed footage of Bronson seeking revenge against a teen prostitute's john while wielding a dildo and menacingly approaching said john's posterior.

But I think the icing on the cake is truly the fade from the john's screams to Bronson arriving home to the missus and casually announcing, "I don't think I'm going to be able to eat tonight."



And by no means is this the only time that 'justice' involves the jamming of sharp objects into unwilling orifices:

Yes, when Bronson catches up with Fernández's pimp for the first time, he takes the man's expensive wristwatch and, er, well, just see for yourself, in a clip that I have aptly named "Charles Bronson feeds a man a wristwatch faster than he can eat it."

And note that he doesn't "want to dirty my hands," implying that he learned a harsh n' grimy lesson the last time around.

Later, the pursuit of justice involves intimidating a doorman– BY FLINGING A STATUE THROUGH HIS GLASS BOOTH:

and by accidentally (!) flinging Sy Richardson to his death (well, he did kinda deserve it)

which combines Bronson's take-no-prisoners brand of justice with the classic Bronson trope of dummies being flung from great heights.

Regardless, this is all simply a prelude to the veritable orgy of retribution accomplished by Bronson at the hind-end of the film.

Having captured Fernández's pimp for a second time, he dumps him in a federal prison, whereupon he is paraded by gleeful prison guards and run along a gauntlet of the most one-dimensional, hilariously over-the-top prison rapists ever committed to celluloid in a Cannon film or otherwise (including Danny Trejo

who incidentally has "something big and long for you, sweet thing") as Bronson watches with wide-eyed, innocent, old man pleasure, wearing an expression that would certainly befit a grandpa at a pee-wee football game:

You can watch the whole gritty exchange right here, and it basically plays like a parody of a swirly-eyed Boomer's cable news fascist prison fantasy.

As to those who consider this one of Bronson's worst?  I don't know what to say to you.  Perhaps you don't truly appreciate Bronson's art.  Bronson's sincerity. Amid the cringe, you couldn't appreciate all the wonderful, spit-take inducing moments and subtle cheez-whiz majesties that awaited you.  A truly astonishing, anally-fixated trashterpiece.  Four-and-a-half-stars.