Only now does it occur to me... THE FIFTH ELEMENT

Before I post the final installment of "John Larroquette Week," I would like to take a short break in order to razz THE FIFTH ELEMENT a little bit, for no reason in particular.

Only now does it occur to me...  that THE FIFTH ELEMENT can't decide whether it's trying to be:

A. BLADE RUNNER 

(See, we've got Police Spinners and Brion "Wake up, time to die" James–

now simply imagine Harrison Ford's Rick Deckard dressed in an open-backed neon orange tank top

and when he needs to swoop you in his arms and save the day, said arms will be clad in mesh arm-stockings purchased from the raver section of Hot Topic:

Which leads me to...)

B.  A Sci-Fi Channel original movie directed by a Euro Club Kid

 

  

(Hell, the police cruisers even have glow-sticks hanging from their rearview mirrors!)

C.  an episode of IN LIVING COLOR 

(I'm imagining Damon Wayans in the Willis role, Rosie Perez instead of Milla Jovovich,

 

 Chris Tucker can probably stay, and then maybe....

 Jim Carrey as Gary Oldman?)

A., B., or C.?  You decide.  Truly every one's a winner!

Also, "Tiny" Lister is the President of the United States of America.

And all is suddenly right in the world.  Carry on!

Only now does it occur to me... ALIEN: RESURRECTION

Only now does it occur to me...  that the finest moment in this chapter of the ALIEN saga is when Brad Dourif comes face to face with a Xenomorph (behind "safety" glass) and proceeds to out-do, out-weird, out-smooch, and out-crazy H.R. Giger's macabre creation.


Can a mere mortal (with only inspired facial expressions at his disposal) be more bizarre, more outlandish than a phallic, goopy, black lacquered S&M monster with a mouth-inside-its-mouth and a decades-old cult following?  The answer is, plainly:  YES.

It also bears mentioning that ALIEN: RESURRECTION is not nearly so bad as its reputation, and is a fairly enjoyable Euro-trash romp featuring nice character-actor performances from Dourif, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya, J.E. Freeman, and Dominique Pinon.  There are some really nice latex-ey creature effects juxtaposed with some horrible 90s CGI; Winona Ryder joins the ranks of Ian Holm and Lance Henriksen as an android; and Sigourney Weaver gets to do a zany, basketball-themed "action" scene, the best/worst of its kind since ESCAPE FROM L.A.  Amen!