Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER VII: DEADER (2005)

Only does it occur to me... wakka wakka wakka. What do you think I'm going to say here? 

Yet another HELLRAISER sequel based off of an unrelated spec script that managed to shoehorn Pinhead into its final draft. Same director (Rick Bota) as HELLRAISER VI: HELLSEEKER, which was the worst one to that point and kinda felt like LAW AND ORDER: CENOBITE CRIMES UNIT. I'm nostalgic for the days when HELLRAISER sequels had CD-flinging DJ Cenobites, meaty roles for Adam Scott, and featured Lament Configuration-inspired spaceships.

With "DEADER," we certainly have a winner for "dumbest HELLRAISER sequel subtitle" among the eleven films (and counting). I guess the Lament Configuration used to just "kill people dead" and send them to S&M hell dimension... now it makes them "deader?" 

 (The title actually comes from the name of a cult within the film, called "The Deaders." No, that does not make it better.)

Basically, this movie half-heartedly tries to answer the question, "what if Pinhead showed up in TRAINSPOTTING?" 

 

 

It also manages to employ Kari Wuhrer, 

a poor man's Craig T. Nelson (Simon Kunz), 

and a knock-off Flea (Marc Warren). 

Wuhrer is fine, though this role clearly should've been Fairuza Balk's.

Weirdly, this thing manages to feel more like a HELLRAISER movie than the prior 2 installments, and to be fair, this thing is a hair better than HELLRAISER VI: HELLSEEKER. I mean, they shot it in Romania, and the city of Bucharest is cool. It's the only cool thing in this movie.

My favorite quote from the Wikipedia page for this movie is, "Production was difficult due to the inability of the Americans in the cast and crew to understand the Romanian set workers and actors." Yep, that tracks. Nice work, HELLRAISER VII!

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER VI: HELLSEEKER (2002)

Only now does it occur to me... that half of these HELLRAISER sequels are basically JACOB'S LADDER fanfic with a Pinhead cameo. 

 

This is mostly because they began as rejected horror spec scripts which found new life while Miramax was kicking the can down the road and legally keeping the rights to HELLRAISER by crapping out a fresh installment every couple of years.

I've been working my way through the canon over the years on this blog, and as far as the JACOB'S LADDER aesthetic goes, this one makes HELLRAISER V: INFERNO look like a David Lynch film or a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

We're treated to simply the most generic Cenobites imaginable, borrowing the "fleshy, restitched pillowcase" look from JACOB'S LADDER, but forgetting that Adrian Lyne used that so effectively with only the briefest of glimpses and freaky, sped-up frame rates.

Pinhead's appearances are the very definition of Contractually Obligated. This is definitely the first HELLRAISER installment where the major creative force was a team of entertainment lawyers.

The fact that the movie dangles the return of Kirsty (Ashley Laurence, heroine of HELLRAISERS I-III) as its main selling point 

and proceeds to give us about three minutes' worth of Kirsty via a weakly-constructed frame story––

 

this is what actively antagonizes the viewer. Supposedly this was done with an actual iota of Clive Barker input, which is surprising. (Hey, take that paycheck, Clive, no shame!) 

But what HELLSEEKER actually delivers is a movie starring "budget Will Patton" (Dean Winters, now most notorious for his appearances as "Mayhem" in Allstate commercials)

who gives us none of the Tim Robbins pathos which could make this work, and instead plays it (as he was directed, I assume) with the nonspecificity of pre-prestige '90s television, as if this is LAW AND ORDER: CENOBITE CRIMES UNIT. Woof!

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER V: INFERNO (2000)

Only now does it occur to me... I can't believe I'm saying this––after the CD-ROM Cenobite-madness in part III and the Alan Smithee/poor man's James Cameron antics of part IV––that HELLRAISER V is... dare I say it... not... so bad. Written as an original horror script by Paul Harris Boardman and director Scott Derrickson, Dimension Films ordered it to be revamped and shoehorned into the HELLRAISER saga.

In a nutshell, HELLRAISER V: INFERNO is a hardboiled detective story that takes an immediate (shallow?) dive into JACOB'S LADDER territory.


For a straight-to-DVD title, the caliber of visual storytelling is strong, the scares are occasionally effective (if incredibly derivative), and it builds a disorienting, distinctly L.A. atmosphere that almost feels like discount David Lynch slumming in the Barker-verse. A lot of the scenes have that stilted, surreal quality common in Lynch's work, and there's even a nefarious, advice-dispensing cowboy played by LOST HIGHWAY's Michael Shamus Wiles who prefigures the one in MULHOLLAND DR.

Wiles brings that Lynchian intonation...


...and yes, that is also a Cenobite cowboy in the background.


Flickering fluorescent lighting? Check.


Whatever this is? Check.


Shades of THE SHINING, as well.

It stars NIGHTBREED's Craig Sheffer (which lends it a little Clive Barker-esque continuity), as a "bad lieutenant" having a bad week with little support from his partner, lesser Turturro sibling Nick.

There's also an unusually soulful performance from a beardy James Remar (THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS.) who sorta looks like Fisher Stevens here.

We'll always have RENT-A-COP.

I mean, maybe my judgment is clouded by the memory of HELLRAISER IN SPACE, but there are some nearly subtle things at play here––a sort of Egoyan-style chiaroscuro and interest in mass media alienation,

one-liners like "I'll send you some candy at Christmas!" or "Are you gonna frisk me or fuck me?," and finally, in a wondrously head-scratching moment, a martial arts assault perpetrated by (non-Cenobite) Japanese cowboys who look like they should be in a hair metal band.

Obviously the best part.

You have to respect that. Also, despite being on the poster, Pinhead probably has about two minutes of screen-time, but I always thought he was best in small, effective doses. In the end, HELLRAISER V doesn't stick it's landing––it delivers a "twist," apparent from the outset, in an awkward, unnecessarily three-tiered denouement––but in terms of atmosphere and general competence, it's so far beyond its immediate predecessors that I have to give it a respectful head nod (but no slow clap).

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINE (1996)

Only now does it occur to me... that HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINE wants to have its cake and eat it, too.  Particularly, it wants to have its "Let them eat cake"-cake, with extended 18th Century flashbacks that kinda feel like the ones in ANGEL, questionable accents and all:

Yes, that is PARKS & RECREATION's Adam Scott on the left.

It wants to have its James Cameron cake, too, with a frame story taking place in 2127 on a space-station shaped like a deconstructed Lament Configuration:


In case we didn't get the Cameron vibe completely, there are Space Marines:

T-800-lookin' robots:

and twin security guards, just like in TERMINATOR 2 (albeit under different circumstances):

HELLRAISER IV versus....

TERMINATOR 2.

It wants to have its Brian de Palma cake:

Again, that's Adam Scott on the right-hand side of this De Palma shot, only now he's been transformed into a 90s yuppie.

Its "corporate thriller" cake":

Yes, that is a catered dinner in the lobby of a skyscraper that's been decorated to look like an enormous Lament Configuration.

Not to mention its John Carpenter cake:

(I can't believe they profaned Carpenter's favorite (Albertus) font with the Alan Smithee name!)


A lot of this schizophrenia probably has to do with the fact that Clive Barker's concept was gutted by studio budget cuts, and horror maestro Stuart Gordon dropped out. He was replaced by TALES FROM THE CRYPT's Kevin Yagher, who presided over what was supposedly a clusterfuck of a shoot, and then HALLOWEEN 666's Joe Chapelle was brought in to do studio ordered, Pinhead-centric reshoots after Yagher refused. (All of which ended with Yagher choosing to be credited as the infamous "Alan Smithee.")

In all, this is not a great movie––and it doesn't even have a song by Motörhead or a CD Cenobite, like in HELLRAISER III. Though I do appreciate the "in space!" aspect, also seen in JASON X, CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE, or LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE.
 
 Doug Bradley, who'd rather be doing RICHARD III.


Christine Harnos, who you may remember from DAZED AND CONFUSED and as "Mark Greene's first wife" from ER.

Bruce Ramsay, who kinda looks like Jean-Claude Van Damme. But remember: there can only be one Jean-Claude Faux Damme!

Additionally, this was the last HELLRAISER film to be released theatrically, and I feel as if I've made an accurate assessment of its quality. Note: there are five more after this. And another one supposedly coming out next year. Whew!

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER III: HELL ON EARTH

Only now does it occur to me...  that it might be worth watching HELLRAISER III just for the "killer-CD slinging Cenobite" alone.  Does that require some explanation?  Okay, here goes:

After being killed by his own CDs, the L.A. surfer dude DJ at a posh n' yuppie club

is transformed into a CD Cenobite whereupon

 he removes deadly remixes from a tray in his chest and

flings them into cowering passersby.

That's simply well done.
A lot of people have problems with this HELLRAISER movie, calling it "the one where Pinhead becomes Freddy Krueger" or "the one where the series goes to shit," but I call it "the one that allowed me to accurately use 'deadly remixes' in a sentence."  That is all.

(P.S.– it's possible that those deadly remixes contained Motörhead's "Hellraiser" the rockin' closing credits song whose tie-in music video features a Lemmy vs. Pinhead playing card battle!

Film Review: HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II (1988, Tony Randel)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 99 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Doug Bradley (Pinhead in the entire series), Kenneth Cranham (PROSPERO'S BOOKS, HOT FUZZ), Claire Higgins, Ashley Laurence, Imogen Boorman (DREAMCHILD), William Hope (ALIENS), Barbie Wilde (a female punk in DEATH WISH 3).
Tag-line: "It will tear your soul apart... AGAIN!" I won't lie- the similarity to the GHOULIES II tag-line has charmed me.
Best one-liner: "The case is terminal!"

Hoo boy. Now I realize that this thing underwent a lot of last-minute rewrites as a result of Andy Robinson (the Scorpio Killer in DIRTY HARRY) refusing to reprise his role as Larry (the dad), but goddamn, this movie just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and I feel like it almost has more in common with BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY than it does HELLRAISER. I mean, there's certainly visual spectacle: M.C. Escher-esque matte-paintings,

a lot of skinless bodies,

and the return of our favorite demons (but with a new actress playing 'Female Cenobite,' which is surprisingly noticeable in a bad way).

Barbie Wilde is no Grace Kirby.

There's also a LOT of 80's lightning and laser effects. I mean there are a lot in the first, but here, there's an inordinate amount. There's a ton of recycled footage, and, based on the information she now magically possesses, our heroine seems to have WATCHED the first film along with us instead of experiencing it firsthand as her character.

Anyway, it begins promisingly- a flashback of Pinhead's human self first opening the puzzle box during WWI- but instead of seeing more of the Cenobites, we see even less than in the first. If every HELLRAISER fan compiled a list of things that they'd like to see in the second film, I guarantee we'd see things like 'more Cenobite focus' and 'more Frank backstory.' Instead, we get something that was on no one's list: Dr. Channard. "Who's that?," you ask. Well, (*vague spoilers*) get ready to spend 99 minutes finding out, and seeing him easily kick the rumps of our mysterious Cenobites.


Pin-who? No, I'm telling you, we need more Channard.


Why? Because the people out there are thirsty. Thirsty for more Channard.


Big payoff. Cenobite Channard. Quenches that thirst for more Channard. Plus, we no longer need those pesky other Cenobites. They were pretty crappy, anyway. Nobody liked them.

It'd be like if TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 had focused on a really boring serial killer played by Mike Farrell, who killed off Leatherface and the whole clan halfway through the movie without much ado, and then proceeded to do his own thing for the rest of the movie. It's like that, but with a whole lot more medical one-liners: "The doctor is in," "The case is terminal," "I recommend amputation," etc., etc. Sheesh. Two stars.

-Sean Gill

2009 Halloween Countdown OVERFLOW

1. [•REC] (2007, Jaume Balagueró & Paco Plaza)
2. THE MANITOU (1978, William Girdler)
3. SLEEPWALKERS (1992, Mick Garris)
4. CUTTING CARDS (1990, Walter Hill)
5. THE LEOPARD MAN (1943, Jacques Tourneur)
6. MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE (1987, Jimmy Huston)
7. HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II (1988, Tony Randel)
8.
...