Television Review: SILENT PREDATORS (1999, Noel Nosseck)

Stars:  2.5 of 5.
Running Time:  91 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew:   Directed by Noel Nosseck (TORNADO!, FRENCH SILK).  Written by five people (count 'em!):  John Carpenter, Matt Dorff (CAMPUS MAN), William S. Gilmore (his sole writing credit; he produced THE PLAYER and A FEW GOOD MEN, among others),  Patricia Arrigoni, (no other credits) and Fred Brown (no other credits).  Starring Harry Hamlin (L.A. LAW, CLASH OF THE TITANS), Patty McCormack (the evil little girl from THE BAD SEED!), Shannon Sturges (S.W.A.T., TORNADO!), David Spielberg (Carpenter's CHRISTINE), Beau Billingslea (STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS), Philip Troy Linger (BAYWATCH NIGHTS, THE HUNGER GAMES), and Jack Scalia (DALLAS, REMINGTON STEELE, ALL MY CHILDREN).
Tag-line:  "The hunt is on.  You're the prey."
Best one-liner:  "Hey guys, you haven't seen any snakes, have you?"

We continue the "Poor Man's John Carpenter" series with SILENT PREDATORS, a late 90s made-for-TV movie about killer snakes that was nearly thirty years in the making.

Back in the early-to-mid 1970s, when John Carpenter was a freelance screenwriter, he wrote and co-wrote a number of scripts that would become made-for-television movies, often decades after he'd written them.  These works (ranging from horror to beach movies to westerns) ultimately became ZUMA BEACH (1978), SOMEONE'S WATCHING ME (1978, which he also directed), BETTER LATE THAN NEVER (1979), EL DIABLO (1990, directed by Carpy crony and bandmate Tommy Lee Wallace), BLOOD RIVER (1991), and yes– SILENT PREDATORS (1999).

Originally entitled FANGS, the script that became SILENT PREDATORS was bounced around, added to, edited, updated, and turned inside out until what we see on screen in 1999 bears very little resemblance to Carpenter's original vision.

Carpy's vision:  IN STARTLING, P.O.V. SNAKE-O-VISION!

As such, we can't judge this in any way as a "John Carpenter Movie" but instead must look at it as a "Crappy Curio from Carpy's Cabinet."  Ultimately, what we have here is a bland, "killer creature" movie that uses the blueprint of JAWS as a starting point toward accomplishing bigger, and better things smaller, and worse things.

Carpy's shame immortalized.  There are FIVE credited writers on this project.

Then there's the matter of the title.  Carpy's original, "FANGS" feels very much a product of the 70s, so they decided to update it to "SILENT PREDATORS," which is a perfectly 90s title.  The only problem is that the eponymous "silent predators" are anything but–  half the goddamned movie is the incessant sound of rattlers rattling or the din of hissing snakes!

The film begins in 1979 as a man transporting a "venomous reptile" picks up a hitchhiker and only a few minutes later wrecks, unleashes the beast, and driver and passenger fall victim to the killer snake.  Twenty years hence, the snake has intermingled and interbred with the indigenous rattlers and 35,000 super-snakes are on the loose!  Before we get ahead of ourselves, I would like to ponder the following:


if scientists needed to transport the world's deadliest snake (or whatever), why did they choose the low-rent "Comet Moving Company," and more importantly, why secure the dangerous wooden crate to a flatbed truck with maybe two ropes and a zip tie?  Obviously, these are rhetorical questions, but the amazing blockheadedness of the storytelling very much puts this on par with something like SLUGS: THE MOVIE, and while it's not quite so charming, there's still a lot of fun to be had here.

So twenty years later, this small, idyllic California town has a new fireman on the job (just like Roy Schneider's new job as sheriff of Amity in JAWS):

And, yup, said fireman is Harry Hamlin.  Again, I can't remember if Harry Hamlin is the poor man's Lorenzo Lamas, or if Lorenzo Lamas is the poor man's Harry Hamlin.  It doesn't really matter though, because when you first meet him, you're distracted by the music that can only be described as "comically and embarrassingly derivative ZZ Top... Lite."

Anyway, there are evil, profit-hungry land developers on the outskirts of town:

who awaken an army of 35,000 snakes through their willy-nilly use of dynamite:

Pictured: 35,000 snakes.

The head land developer is this guy (soap opera veteran Jack Scalia)

who is perfectly cast as the pompous suit who answers calls on a big cordless phone and puts the lives of little leaguers at risk.   As in JAWS, he and the mayor try to cover up the danger ("If word gets out we have a snake problem...!") with disastrous results.

We get a nice supporting turn from Patty McCormack, who's best known as the evil little girl from THE BAD SEED back in the 1950s.

Here she plays a sort of warm-hearted, pet-loving hippie and part-time snake enthusiast.  If we're going to beat the JAWS analogy into the ground, I suppose she's the fill-in Richard Dreyfuss until the snake scientist shows up?

Let's get back to Harry Hamlin before I forget.

He takes the material seriously to the extent that Harry Hamlin is capable of taking things seriously– it's perhaps a "BAYWATCH-level" of thespianism.  At one point, he delivers the classic line, "You ever been to a herpetologist?" with some matter-of-fact smarm that would insinuate it means "herpes doctor" instead of "reptile scientist."

It's worth noting that the subsequent visit to the herpetologist takes place at a building entitled: "SCIENCE."

They do science in this building.

Carpenter's original version supposedly contained a scene where a concerned mother checks on her baby's bassinet only to discover that what she thought was her baby's rattle IS REALLY A KILLER RATTLESNAKE!   While I am very sad that this scene does not appear in the movie, at least we get this wonderful scene, whereupon a woman is trapped atop her stationary exercise bike by a number of killer snakes.  This is possibly the only time in film history that this extremely specific scenario comes to fruition.

She can't quite seem to reach that phone.

And this reminds me– I have to give them a hearty round of applause for using 90% real snakes.  This may have been the last hurrah for low-to-mid budget made-for-television reptile horror movies that (mostly) eschew CGI.

Regardless, this whole thing ends the way it ought to:  with Harry Hamlin and co-star Shannon Sturges passionately embracing in front of a blown-out mineshaft filled with 35,000 burning snakes:

I suppose I can arbitrarily give this about two and a half stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: SAVE ME (1994, Alan Roberts)

Stars: 2.3 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Michael Ironside, Harry Hamlin (L.A. LAW), Lysette Anthony (KRULL), Bill Nunn (DO THE RIGHT THING), Steve Railsback (Manson in HELTER SKELTER, THE STUNT MAN, LIFEFORCE), Olivia Hussey (PSYCHO IV, BLACK CHRISTMAS, IT), Kato Kaelin (CYBORG 3, DORM DAZE 2).
Tag-line: "His erotic obsession...her deadly deception... Now available on Videocassette and Laserdisc.
Best one-liner: "YOU MISSED A MAJOR MARKETING OPPORTUNITY- YOU COST THIS FIRM MONEY....FUCK YOU!!!" Simply powerful dialogue. And evidence that Steve Railsback was the Christopher George of his day?

Today’s installment of Ironside week is a pretty shitty film that happens to feature Ironside in a decent supporting role. Where most actors appearing in SAVE ME would have been tired, beaten down, and uninspired, Ironside does a lot better than okay, and has one genuinely awesome moment, which I’ll get to eventually. I must also note that my review of this lackluster 90's skin flick will feature a veritable bounty of spoilers, unlike my usual reviews, because, frankly, are you ever going to watch SAVE ME?

SAVE ME is an extremely mediocre movie that begins with the feel of a BODY DOUBLE remake (it even has the scene of ‘man following mysterious woman into lingerie store’), if said remake happened to be co-financed by the Hallmark Hall of Fame and Cinemax. It tries to build up an evidently ‘moral’ hero (in a third-rate film noir skin-flick universe) and is frequently accompanied by gentle, tear-jerky piano music. At times it is a chore to watch. At times Michael Ironside is not on the screen. Note that there may be a correlation between those two statements.

Anyway, the movie begins with Harry Hamlin as our sad sack, TV star looking hero. I can’t decide if post-L.A. LAW Hamlin is the poor man’s Lorenzo Lamas, or if post-FALCON CREST Lorenzo Lamas is the poor man’s Harry Hamlin.

Truly, only our hindsight is 20/20.

I imagine, ultimately, history will resolve this quandary, but in the meantime, let me tell you- only one of these men was in SNAKE EATER.

Anyway, Hamlin is enjoying buddy time with his son.

Creepiness gives way to cutesyness. Finally, Ironside’s name appears in the credits, which lets you know that eventually, something badass and/or fantastic has to happen in this movie. But also note the hideous juxtaposition. Has Ironside’s name ever accompanied a more inappropriate, cutesy-tootsy image?

And is that the font from PULP FICTION?

At least show his name when the goddamn kid is off the screen. This does not bode well. Anyway, Hamlin is undergoing a divorce, has trouble at work with Steve Railsback, his boss, and then there’s that lingerie store scene like from BODY DOUBLE:


and man, this movie doesn’t seem to be going anywh– BOOM! IRONSIDE.


Ironside + beard, no less.

Ironside is evidently the mystery woman’s abusive significant other. The woman awkwardly leaves aPost-it note behind. Hamlin picks it up. It’s the title of this movie.


It says “Save me” and gives her telephone number. Suddenly there's a plot, and with Ironside as the ostensible antagonist. Things can really start cooking now. Anytime. Yup, they're allowed to start cooking anytime now.

Hamlin’s character is not a cliché, he just happens to be the sort of guy who stays up at night, sitting in the dark, mournfully watching home videos of his family. He contacts the mystery woman, and they have great conversations which are punctuated by lines like “Do you always write notes to total strangers?” Until about the one hour mark, there are only three sorts of scenes in this movie. #1. Sex scenes between Hamlin and Anthony. #2. Scenes of Steve Railsback threatening to fire Hamlin from his job. #3. Ironside letting Hamlin and Anthony know he's onto their shit, and he's not effing around.

The love scenes are extremely trashy. Some filmmakers will frame scenes in homage to classical works of art. Like how that shot at the end of Buñuel's VIRIDIANA mirrors Da Vinci’s LAST SUPPER. Well, SAVE ME frames its love scenes in homage to great sleazy romance novel covers. That’s what it looks like, anyway.

I'm having flashbacks to the grocery checkout line.

There’s pulsating, terrible use of drum machines, lots of jeans, and a sex scene in a red convertible. Welcome to 1994.

Hey, I remember that pillow! I think we may have had that pillow when I was a kid.

And the convertible sex scene is set to calliope music for no discernable reason:

The circus music is certainly a bold choice.

The scenes with Steve Railsback reveal him to be a brilliant actor. Or maybe they reveal him to be a terrible actor.

Like the late, great Christopher George, sometimes you just can't tell. And in a movie like this, I guess it doesn't matter. Hamlin also refers to him as "little Saddam," again firmly grounding us in the early 90's.


But then:
IRONSIDE IS WEARING A SILK ROBE.

IRONSIDE KNOWS YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING.

IRONSIDE IS ON TO YOUR SHIT.

"Oh yeah, well, you're using her mother to control her- THAT'S PATHETIC!"


Thank God I'm only on set for six days.


Then there are Monster Trucks in this movie. Monster Trucks, of all things:


Anyway, it kind of starts turning into a thriller. There are tense scenes in parking garages. Two of them. Someone is trying to kill Hamlin. Hamlin assumes it is Ironside. A cop, played by Bill Nunn (Radio Raheem in DO THE RIGHT THING) begins to investigate.

Either Bill Nunn aged 20 years in the 5 years in between DO THE RIGHT THING and this, or the hair stylist sprinkled some flour in his hair.

Nunn with Spike Lee in DO THE RIGHT THING.

Then Hamlin decides to take the law into his own hands and confronts a besweatered Ironside at gunpoint.


Turns out Ironside is totally reasonable and has nothing to do with the attempted murder of Hamlin. He is just a really intense, earnest guy who Hamlin found threatening for some reason. But then we have the best moment in the movie. It's all been a lead-up to this. Ironside reaches into a drawer for a cigarette, and Hamlin thinks he's reaching for his gun, so Hamlin shoots Ironside in the arm! Ironside winces for a moment- only one fleeting moment- then calmly delivers his line:

"Does smoking really bother you that much, Stevens?"

WHAAAAAAAAT!!!!!


Hamlin's mind has also been blown.

Goddamn! The man has just been shot! Yet Ironside is so powerfully present that you have no alternative than to believe that this man, who suffered a gunshot wound mere seconds before, can calmly collect himself and deliver a jokey retort. Ironside continues:

"Lucky for us both, you're not a very good shot. ... But I do seem to be producing quite a bit of blood here. In the downstairs bathroom, left cabinet, there's a first aid kit. Could you...please?"

Holy shit, Ironside is a hardass. This almost makes it worth sitting through this entire movie, just so we could get to this point. Hamlin then runs downstairs to the first aid kit, leaving Ironside alone. He sits down, mumbling to himself: "Now what does one drink for an occasion like this- Bourbon or scotch? Eh, definitely bourbon- a man's drink." I'm trying to imagine all of this on the page, but Ironside is laying it out beautifully. Then the REAL killer sneaks in and pops Ironside, thus giving me no reason to continue watching this film.

R.I.P., Dr. Oliver.

Anyway, it all ends up with some femme fatale shit involving schizophrenia, incest, and all that jazz. Ironside's character really was a good guy.


Also, Kato Kaelin appears in not one, but two roles. He plays "Police Officer" and a "Bond Trader #1." He’s even credited as such.

Kaelin (far left) has his big moment as "Police Officer."

To avoid the community theater/double-casting vibe, they could have just lied and credited him as “undercover bond broker cop,” but I guess they didn’t feel the need. I can respect that.

Still, this is a 1 star movie. But it's a one star movie with Michael Ironside, so it's at least a two star movie. And it's a two star Ironside movie with one exceptionally memorable Ironside scene, so I'm giving it exactly 2.3 stars. As always- Bravo, Ironside.

-Sean Gill