Only now does it occur to me... DEMONS

Only now does it occur to me... that DEMONS gets to have its cake and eat it, too.  Of course it's eating it with disgusting, mutated, rat-like demon-teeth,

but that's neither here nor there.  Let me explain what I mean.

The four collaborators on the screenplay comprise a veritable who's who of 80s Italo-Horror [Dario Argento (SUSPIRIA, DEEP RED), Lamberto Bava (son of Mario, A BLADE IN THE DARK, BLASTFIGHTER), Franco Ferrini (ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA, PHENOMENA), and Dardano Sacchetti (THE BEYOND, 1990: BRONX WARRIORS)] and apparently couldn't decide whether or not they wanted a zombie movie, a supernatural horror flick, a giallo, or a post-apocalyptic thriller... so they made DEMONS all of them.

It's like a child deciding that he's going to grow up to be a rock star, pro athlete, astronaut, and judo master (which, incidentally sort of sounds like Buckaroo Banzai)... but then actually following through with it.

Hell, this movie throws everything at you but the kitchen sink.  I wouldn't dream of telling it all, but for starters it has:

Horror director Michele Soavi (STAGEFRIGHT, CEMETERY MAN) as a New Wave Phantom of the Opera handing out fliers to unsuspecting lasses in subway stations:
 

a movie-within-a-movie about stabbings and Nostradamus... with a Mötley Crüe soundtrack:
 

 a green-goo-spewing Rick James zombie-woman:

who goes on to kill a couple of lovebirds in a moment that has provided me with the only occasion I have ever had to write "double-makeout-strangulation" in my screening notebook:


YAHHH

a carload of German punks snorting cocaine out of a Coke can,

one of whom has computer chip earrings:


a blind man having his eyes clawed out in a gratuitous, grotesque moment that prompted me to say aloud, "Well, at least he was already blind..."


and, the coup de grâce– a Samurai Dirtbike

Note: poster for THE TERMINATOR in the background.

that's eventually used (adhering to Chekhov's rule of Samurai Dirtbikes)

to mow down legions of zombie/demons amid hard rockin' tunes in what might actually be the most "metal" tableau ever staged.

Finally, our heroes make the acquaintance of a European gun-nut survivalist family in a Jeep (?!):


and the youngest son is none other than Italo Horror "that kid" Giovanni Frezza, who can be found in A BLADE IN THE DARK, THE NEW BARBARIANS, MANHATTAN BABY, and THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY:


Furthermore, the movie is accompanied by an insane soundtrack featuring Claudio Simonetti's (of Goblin) synthesized re-imagining of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" and hits by Billy Idol, Rick Springfield, Go West, Saxon, and The Adventures.  Whew!

So yourself a favor and see this movie.  Do it some Saturday night.  Get some beers, some pizzas, some popcorn, some friends– and watch the hell outta DEMONS.

Music Review: GOBLIN LIVE IN CONCERT (2013, U.S.)

As a part of their first-ever North American tour (after a long and on-again-off-again history dating back to 1972), I was lucky enough to see Goblin perform live last night at the Music Hall of Williamsburg in Brooklyn, NY.  

They played crowd-pleasing selections from the album ROLLER and from their soundtracks to ZOMBI (DAWN OF THE DEAD), PROFONDO ROSSO (DEEP RED), NON HO SONNO (SLEEPLESS), TENEBRE, and PHENOMENA, among others, often accompanied by gory mondo projections, including clips from DAWN OF THE DEAD and the Goblin-Argento oeuvre.

It was a pleasure to see three of the original members:  the legendary Claudio Simonetti (wearing a DANGER: DIABOLIK t-shirt),

Simonetti tinkles the ivories.  Photo by Greg Cristman, from the writeup at Brooklyn Vegan.

veteran Maurizio Guarini jammin' on the second keyboard, and virtuoso Massimo Morante (prog) rocking out (on his birthday, no less!) in tight leather pants, sunglasses, and a bandana that could hardly tame his frizzy, Italo-rocker 70s hair.

Massimo plays it loud. Photo by Greg Cristman, from the writeup at Brooklyn Vegan.

This was, obviously, outstanding.  (They were also joined by newer members, drummer Titta Tani and bassist Bruno Previtali.)

A near front-row view afforded me a glimpse of their tightly-knit, non-verbal shorthand, from which I get a sort of furtive satisfaction when I have the privilege of seeing it live from a band I love.  Their Italian-accented banter with the audience was endearing and fantastic ("Hello Brew-kleen!"), Claudio did the vox effects from TENEBRE live, and he dared the audience to do their best witchy whispering along with him on SUSPIRIA– in short, I had a big dopey grin on my face the entire time.

Also, I never thought I would see Claudio Simonetti and Massimo Morante sing "Happy Birthday to Me" and mock-drink from a giant cardboard cut-out of a bottle of Jim Beam while a crowd of Brooklynites roared in approval.  And, my Lord– they may be getting a bit long in the tooth, but as my ringing ears can attest, they played it loud.  What a show– and a fine start to my Halloween season!

Film Review: BUIO OMEGA (1979, Joe D'Amato)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.

Running Time: 94 minutes.
AKA: BEYOND THE DARKNESS, THE FINAL DARKNESS.

Tag-line: "A fate worse than death!"

Notable Cast or Crew: Kieran Canter (EROTICOBLUES, THE LONELY LADY) , Cinzia Monreale (Fulci's THE BEYOND, Argento's STENDHAL SYNDROME), Franca Stoppi (THE OTHER HELL, VIOLENCE IN A WOMEN'S PRISON). Music by Goblin!

Best one-liner: "No one can cook a chicken like my niece!"

Joe D'Amato's name ain't exactly synonymous with cinematic quality––he's more from the "make as many rip-offs in as little time as possible" school of thought than the "film is art" one. He directed 192 films in less than 30 years (123 of which were made in the final decade of his life). Some have said that BUIO OMEGA is his greatest film. Okay. Some have even said it's one of the best Italo-horror flicks of the 70's––but let me stop you right there. Now, I guess it holds the attention and has a terrific Goblin score, but let's be honest: this is not a good movie. This is not even close to being a good movie. But should you expect a good movie from the guy who felt it necessary to make pornographic remakes of BASIC INSTINCT (ANAL INSTINCT), PAPRIKA (ANAL PAPRIKA), and LOLITA (ANAL PERVERSIONS OF LOLITA)?  Theoretically, he makes Tinto Brass look like Anthony Asquith. I mean, Joe made a movie called ANAL STRIPPERS X-POSED. He saw HIGHLANDER and his first thought was to make it into a porno, which he apparently did!

On the surface, a description of the events contained within BUIO OMEGA may paint it as the kind of picture designed for the sole purpose of eliciting shock from the viewer, but it must be noted that the tone is extremely matter-of-fact, even to the point of indifference. Rather than reveling in the 'check out this X-treme grossness, fanboy!' vibe which emanates from the SAW or HOSTEL series, or more recently, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE, D'Amato comes across as strangely earnest (at least with this particular film). In fact, it's unclear whether or not he sees the behavior depicted in the film as any more aberrant than that in, say, one of Roger Corman's Poe adaptations.


So let me give you the rundown: the Italian James LeGros (Kieran Canter) is a taxidermy-loving orphan and heir to a great, decaying fortune. His creepy housekeeper (Franca Stoppi) arranges for his betrothed to be snuffed out via some sort of voo-doo doll fuckery.

The creepy housekeeper in question.

Anguished, he does what anyone would do–

swipe her body from the grave, pump out her brains via a nose tube that deposits what looks like vodka sauce into a jar, eat her heart out (literally), murder a hitchhiker, and then engage in erotic lactation and multiple cover-ups with the creepy housekeeper.

Yeah, blood IS shooting out of the aorta, mid-chomp.

All of this is accompanied by a LOT of crash zooms and some super-jazzy Goblin grooves. (Particularly of note is the upbeat boogie-woogie which plays alongside scenes of an unfortunate gal getting her fingernails ripped off with pliers.) Then he starts dissolving people in acid, having random erotic encounters that end in cannibalism, burning people alive, and awkwardly applying lotion to the ankles of visiting joggers.


Freud seems to like this movie just fine.

Somebody gets stabbed in the nuts and an eyeball gets plucked from its socket. An unexpected twin even shows up. Oh, and there's some fantastic landscape shots of the Alps in there, too.


There's a nice bit of near-slapstick where his deceased lover's hand pops out from the sliding panel in his van,

a ludicrous dance scene,

'Who do you think did the choreography?,' I asked my girlfriend. 'I think maybe they gave the actress a bunch of Ludes and let the choreography do itself,' she replied.

and a truly disgusting sequence where the eating of stew is crosscut with eyeballs and bits of flesh decomposing in a pool of acid. Yum.

What's the psychological term for having been grossed out by something and then having the irresistible desire to sully others by also showing it to them?

The Goblin score is fantastic. Two dudes haul a cardboard box across an overexposed, unappealing field of grass as Goblin's wonderfully arpeggiating ("Strive After Dark") Classical-style synths have their say.  I like it.

Though there are some notable exceptions, for the most part the film is artfully photographed– probably owing, I believe, to the fact that some 1970s Italo-serio-plagiarists were apparently born missing the brain component which codes 'restraint,' and in its place possessed some grey matter dedicated purely to 'grand aesthetics.'

In the end, it's not an appealing film, nor a particularly engaging one. The title, 'BUIO OMEGA', immediately conjures far more compelling imagery and mystery than the film can possibly deliver. The far more uninteresting 'BEYOND THE DARKNESS' is actually more appropriate because it prepares you for the mediocrity which is to come. This is lower-middle tier Italo Horror, and two and a half stars may be too generous or too harsh depending on which side of the cinematic tracks that you hail from.

And, as a side note, I don't think I ever want to eat stew again, not that I was a big 'stew' fan in the first place, but you know what I mean.

Film Review: CONQUEST (1983, Lucio Fulci)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 88 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Jorge Rivero (RIO LOBO, WEREWOLF), Andrea Occipinti (THE SEA INSIDE, BOLERO, NEW YORK RIPPER), Conrado San Martín (ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, DUCK YOU SUCKER), Sabrina Siani (THE BLACK COBRA, ATOR THE INVINCIBLE), music by Claudio Simonetti (of Goblin).
Tag-line: "In a place beyond time, comes a terrifying challenge beyond imagination!"
Best exchange: "What's your name?" –"My enemies call me Mace." "And your friends?" –"I don't have any friends."

I don't know if it was the twelver of Schlitz, the 3 AM viewing hour, or the fact that Fulci exclusively used soft focus, glamour filters, and echo effects, but CONQUEST left me with the impression of a half-remembered dream. We begin with some boneheaded legend about the sun coming down and raining arrows on the forces of evil through a magic bow. Later, when we see this bow in action- something which happens in nearly every scene- it most definitely shoots blue LASERS, not heavenly sunlight.


PEEEWWWWW! PEW-PEW-PEW!

I'm okay with that, personally. Set to an eternally pounding synth score by Goblin's Claudio Simonetti (fresh off of Castellari's NEW BARBARIANS), CONQUEST is basically an Italian mashup of BEASTMASTER and CONAN THE BARBARIAN.

The film is so stock ("Where are you from?" -"From a distant land."), so meandering, and so 80's, that it almost feels like a Choose Your Own Adventure with nudity. Yeah- did I mention that the main villain is a naked woman, clothed only with a spiked g-string, a creepy bronze mask, and a black feather boa?

And that her minions are an army of Wookiees who rip nude women limb from limb? Fulci works in some hardcore gore, cobwebby swamp zombies:

Swamp zombies swoop down from the heavens in slow motion with a giant camouflage net.

dummies flung from cliffs, an old man who speaks like Yoda, nunchucks, and a shag-carpet bed. There's no Zombie vs. Shark scene (like in Fulci's ZOMBIE), but there IS a "Caveman saved by Dolphins" scene, which is about the same thing if you squint your eyes.

Our hero says, "A man meets man, you never know which one will die; an animal meets a man, the animal always dies. That's why I'm on the side of the animal." [In addition to not making sense, he's EATING an animal (!) when he makes that speech.] Bravo, Lucio. The whole thing ends with the declaration that "any reference to persons or events is purely coincidental." God damn- I sure hope so!

This scene is not, in fact, a faithful portrayal of real life (outside of Italy).

Anyway, in good conscience, I can only give this three stars. And, I have no idea why, but I was left with a curious craving for beef jerky...

This beef jerky, to be exact. And I bought it. And I ate it. And in retrospect, it was maybe one of my worst ideas.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 110 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Jennifer Connelly, Daria Nicolodi, Donald Pleasence, Fiore Argento. Music by Goblin, Iron Maiden, Bill Wyman, Andi Sex Gang, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Motörhead.
Tag-line: "Jennifer Has A Few Million Close Friends. She's Going To Need Them All."
Best one-liner: "I love you...I love all of you..."

Jennifer Connelly plays a girl named Jennifer who can telepathically communicate with insects in this Dario Argento masterpiece. The atmosphere is exquisite- dreamlike, comforting, dangerous.

Something about his use of the Swiss Alps, the rustling pine trees, the ominous mountain winds, and the over-the-top gore... it's a throwback to the original R-rated storybooks: brutal folklore like the Brothers Grimm.

I love this movie. I love the fact that there is one line of narration in the entire film, spoken about twenty minutes in. I love that in that one line of narration, they mispronounce the name 'Richard Wagner.' I love that there is a chimp with a straight razor (in homage to Poe's "The Murders in the Rue Morgue"). Between this and SUSPIRIA, it is clear that Dario Argento loves maggots, retching, girls' boarding schools, brutal murders, and the volatile combination of all four. I love that he loves that. I love that there's not only ladybug POV, sleepwalking POV, murderer POV, and Great Sarcophagus POV, but there's also MAGGOT POV.


I love that the supernatural is represented by fan-blown hair.


I love that the ending somehow manages to be as abrupt AND more ridiculous than the screamfest at the end of TENEBRE. I love the inappropriate use of heavy metal, the baroque visuals, the viscerality, the Bee Gees & Richard Gere references,

the charming and sympathetic Donald Pleasence (in spite of Argento dialogue),

the evocative soundtrack, the bitchy teachers straight out of SUSPIRIA...in fact, there's nothin' NOT to love here. The only way it could be more ridiculously perfect would be if she made out with the chimp.

Oddly enough, a sequel was planned in 2001, but was held up by rights issues with Medusa. But Dario, who considers the film his personal favorite and "a story I look at from the outside," has peppered his subsequent works with little nods to PHENOMENA, from the odd Swiss epilogue in OPERA to the skull and maggot pit in MOTHER OF TEARS.

Viva Argento!

-Sean Gill


2009 Halloween Countdown

31. PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
30. PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
29.
...

Film Review: THE HEROIN BUSTERS (1977, Enzo G. Castellari)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 132 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Music by Goblin. Starring Fabio Testi, David Hemmings, Joshua Sinclair.
Tag-lines: "FABIO TESTI."
Best one-liner: See review.

"I'm gonna put a bullet in your assshole!" Yeah, you are. Enzo Castellari strikes again with bad dubbing; idioms that don't exist in English ("It's like having fleas- but these fleas BITE!"); head-scratching plot twists; and tight, TIGHT jeans. You know, I've not yet seen a Castellari film that I was disappointed with. Each time I go in with the expectation of purely ironic thrills (which I certainly get), but end up leaving with a mostly sincere appreciation of what I've just seen. He may use a laughable amount of reaction shots, have unexplained lesbian dream sequences, and frame a lot of shots with asscrack in the foreground, but damned if he isn't a good filmmaker. His action scenes have a certain 'poor man's Peckinpah' intensity to them, and he manages to capture the 'Howard Hawks via John Carpenter' dynamic of buddy-bonding (usually peppered with spit-take inducing homoerotic undertones).

But anyway, on to THE HEROIN BUSTERS: we have the awesome David Hemmings (BLOW-UP, DEEP RED) as a likable, baby-faced Interpol agent who is always smacking the shit out of people and swearing,

Hemmings shows Testi who's the boss. Note the map in the background: "Ah yes there are drugs in these cities. And if you connect them with yarn, it looks something like THIS."

Fabio Testi (the 1970's Italian Hugh Jackman) wearing a tight denim outfit tucked into boots and held together by a red cloth which I guess is a belt, fantastic stuntwork, and a 'Battle of the Cessnas' finale.

Fabio Testi walks into a room and people just start getting intimidated.


"Next time bring your daddies." Note the makeshift belt.

This movie is epic. There's a montage of the drug trade in 5 international cities in just 5 minutes.

Hi-tech crime-busting equipment of incredible sophistication.

And it's all set to the rockin' "Italo Disco meets Led Zeppelin" riffs of GOBLIN. And when this movie's in doubt, it shows one of two things: thugs punching or junkies shooting up. Somebody does some smack. Who is this person? It doesn't matter, cause six dudes just busted in and are whaling on him.

Who are they? It doesn't matter, cause now we're in a different city where the same thing is happening, but to a new guitar riff. Yeah. That's what this movie is all about. Four stars. Keep 'em in that secret boot-heel panel where you hide all your best H.

-Sean Gill