Film Review: STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991, Nicholas Meyer)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 113 minutes.

Tag-line: "The battle for peace has begun."

Notable Cast or Crew: William Shatner, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Nichelle Nichols, Walter Koenig, David Warner (TITANIC, TRON, TIME BANDITS), Kim Cattrall (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, POLICE ACADEMY), Mark Lenard (STAR TREK III, STAR TREK IV), Grace Lee Whitney ("Janice" from the original STAR TREK series), Brock Peters (TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, SOYLENT GREEN), Kurtwood Smith (THAT '70S SHOW, ROBOCOP), Christopher Plummer (THE SOUND OF MUSIC, STARCRASH), Christian Slater (KUFFS, TRUE ROMANCE), Iman (David Bowie's wife, HOUSE PARTY 2), Rene Auberjonois (MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE, EYES OF LAURA MARS).

Best One-liner:  "To be... OR NOT TO BE!"

STAR TREK VI is the only film in the series that I saw on the big screen, and I hadn't yet seen it again in the intervening twenty-three years... until now.  And it's good!  It's very good.  It's more of a murder mystery/political thriller than a sci-fi film, and timely, too (for 1991), given that its about the ensuing mistrust between two (Cold) warring cultures as they draw back the Iron Curtain and see what happens.

I remember thinking the movie was pretty solid but had no memory as to why, except for a vague remembrance of Captain Kirk being on an ice planet and kicking an alien in the knees, only to discover he'd kicked it in its (alien) nuts.



Now that's the sort of artistic expression worth remembering!


So here are my Fourteen Favorite Things about STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY that I did not fully appreciate as a kid:

#14.  Captain Sulu (George Takei).  He finally got that promotion!

This leads to some great moments where his new ship can team up with the Enterprise and he and Kirk can take turns screaming "Fire!" as they zap the bad guys with space lasers.  Unfortunately, they're on different ships, though, so they can't high-five afterward.

#13.  Janice is back!

Janice Rand (Grace Lee Whitney)– star of many TREK episodes from the original series, best known for her occasional near-romances with Kirk and her bitchin' beehive hairdo– shows up on Sulu's crew.  It's been a while, Janice, good to see ya!  Who else do they have room for on that zany crew?

#12.  ...Yes, who do they have whose job it is to wake up Sulu in the middle of the night and give him somewhat unnecessary status reports?  Who could it be...?

 Why, Christian Slater, of course!
 
 Slater, veiled in shadow, in a failed attempt to diminish The Slater Factor.

This, naturally, has nothing to do with the fact that the casting director was his mother, and everything to do with his claim that his Jack Nicholson-style arched eyebrows were the ill-fated result of shaving them to be Spock for Halloween once.

 #11.  Legendary character actor Kurtwood Smith as the "President of the Federation"

complete with wicked Fu Manchu mustache and Wild West sunglasses.  Wait, WHAT?!

#10.  The return of David Warner.  Here, he plays the actual Klingon ambassador, instead of a human associate of the Klingon ambassador, like in Part V.  Weird.
 
But I can always use some Warner, especially when his acting talents are put to use, lending pathos to a leader of a belligerent race of aliens.  Also, that is an incredible jacket you've got on there, David.  Who got to keep that thing when filming wrapped?  Somewhere, is David Warner at home, lounging in that jacket, listening to– I don't know– an Iron Maiden album?  Inquiring minds want to know.
 
Anyway, he gives a great toast with Romulan Ale (not to be confused with blue Kool-Aid) where he quotes Shakespeare ("...the undiscover'd country") and then insists that "You haven't experienced Shakespeare until you have read it in the original Klingon," a humorous line that prompted a thousand nerds to pull out their Klingon-English dictionaries and almost causes a Shatner spit-take.
 
Nobody claims false ownership of the Bard on the Shat's watch!

#9.  Spock's rockin' bachelor pad.

Sure, he doesn't really put it to use, but this is truly a Spock for the 90s, lounging around in a luxurious robe and surrounded by altogether too many candles and silken sheets.  (I'm sure it serves some Vulcan meditative purpose.)  All we need is some sexy saxophone and a 90s babe, like Demi Moore or Madonna or Sharon Stone or Kim Cattrall...

#8. Kim Cattrall?

Well-played, STAR TREK VI.  I like what you've done there, with the Spock-ears and the haircut and the futuristic headband.  And all nerdery aside, she does a pretty good job!

#7.  Poor McCoy (DeForest Kelley).  He gets put through a lot in this movie.  All he ever wanted was a drink.  And not just blue Kool-Aid.

I go back and forth on my favorite STAR TREK characters, but I think the good Doctor might be my favorite, with his curious blend of indefatigable humanism and curmudgeonly fatalism.  Age has only made him more of a badass– and more of a terrific crab. 

#6.  The hilarious globules of purple CGI Klingon blood as the delegation is murdered by the guys from Daft Punk.


This shoulda been in 3-D!

#5.  Sherlock Holmes.

STAR TREK VI being a bit of a murder mystery, the game is soon afoot and Spock takes over, putting on his theoretical deerstalker cap– and even insinuating that the original Holmes is a distant ancestor! 

This is the doing of director/writer Nicholas Meyer, Holmes aficionado and author of three Holmes novels (THE SEVEN-PER-CENT SOLUTION, THE WEST END HORROR, and THE CANARY TRAINER), all of which transcend the trappings of fan-fiction, becoming labyrinthine literary pastiches that are genuinely great novels in their own right.  Good show.


#4.  Shapeshiftin', cigar-chompin' Iman!
 
High fashion model, David Bowie missus, and cosmetics tycoon Iman shows up on a Klingon Ice Prison-planet as a cell mate of Doctor McCoy and the good Captain Kirk.  It's not long before the latter works his charms on her:

She always did go for those those Major Tom-types.

Although I wish she'd waited to make out with The Shat till she had transformed into him, as depicted in the following, well-acted screen grabs:


I think a Shat-on-Shat makeout 'sesh would have been more to his (ego's) liking, and it might've really pushed this movie over the edge.  A bit of a missed opportunity, there.


#3.  And seriously, when are they going to put seat belts on the Enterprise?

WHOAAA

One errant laser and everybody's flying around willy-nilly.  The Bureau of Worker's Comp at Federation Headquarters must have their hands full.


#2.  Shakespeare slummer Christopher Plummer!

Spoilers to follow:

The final space battle is a three-way between George Takei, The Shat, and powermad Klingon-in-pursuit-of-an-acting-paycheck, Christopher Plummer.  What follows is the most insane and spectacular use of Shakespeare quotes as one-liners since Vincent Price in HIS KIND OF WOMAN or THEATER OF BLOOD.

 
 
 It's absolutely bananas, and I love it beyond words.  Of course they save the best for last:
 
 "TO BE...

 "...OR NOT..."


"...TO BE?"

FOOOOSH


#1.  Because of course it all ends with a slow clap, like in ROCKY IV.  (I feel like I mention ROCKY IV at least once in every review.)  I believe that the slow clap has become the only way to resolve a movie about Cold Wars or diplomatic détante.

 This is truly the 'It's a Small World' of the Star Trek universe.


The Klingons are clearly half-assing their slow clap.


Conversely, those dudes on the far right are kind of overdoing it.

Who the hell are these guys?  Aliens?  Humans with cargo net mesh draped over their hockey masks?

Don't stop clapping.  Don't ever stop. 


In closing, this is a fine send-off for the original cast, and one of the better films in the series.  Four stars.

–Sean Gill


P.S.– I also see that this is the 1,000th post here at Junta Juleil.  I wish I could've done a Carpy or a Bronson or a Van Damme review, but these things just sneak up on you, I guess.  Thanks to all of my readers who have stuck around!

Film Review: STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989, William Shatner)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 107 minutes.

Tag-line: "Why are they putting seatbelts in theaters this summer?"  [Why, indeed?!]

Notable Cast or Crew: William Shatner, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Nichelle Nichols, Walter Koenig, David Warner (TITANIC, TRON, TIME BANDITS), Laurence Luckinbill (COCKTAIL, THE BOYS IN THE BAND), Spice-Williams Crosby (famed stuntwoman, THE LOST BOYS, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, BATMAN & ROBIN).  Music by Jerry Goldsmith (ALIEN, POLTERGEIST, GREMLINS).

Best One-liner:  "Damn it, Spock!  God damn it!"

Though STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER could easily be remembered as the STAR TREK movie where Spock zips around in roller-blade rocket boots or the STAR TREK movie where Uhura puts the moves on Scotty, it should mostly be remembered as the STAR TREK movie where Captain Kirk kills God.  Allow me to elaborate.

Leonard Nimoy helmed STAR TREKS III and IV, and apparently watching his fellow cast-mate take the Director's chair inspired William Shatner to take a stab at one himself.  Already a veteran director– of exactly 10 episodes of T.J. HOOKER, that is– Shatner steps into the role like many actors who find themselves directing for the first time:  with a combination of utter sincerity, greenhorn amateurism, and a tremendous attention to detail- where acting specifics are concerned.  As such, the story, too (co-written by Shatner) is incredibly ambitious, often naïve, and grandly metaphysical, like the work of a college student who just took Philosophy 101 and is bursting with ideas- some of them fresh, some groan-worthy. 

With all that in mind, I would now like to examine my five favorite elements of this much-maligned fifth STAR TREK film:

#1.  The go-go dancing, three-breasted cat-woman.  

It must be noted that portions of this film take place on a desert planet, a poor man's Tatooine or Arrakis, you know, one of those planets where everybody wears a burlap sack and nobody has any fun.

On this planet (Nimbus III), there is a dive bar– and you all know I'm a sucker for dive bars. 

Inside this dive bar (nay, on this dive bar's bar) a three-breasted cat-woman lazily go-go dances

as the patrons sip their drinks and pretend not to look, afraid that eye contact will result in a community-theater-quality version of "Memory,"

and indeed I am absolutely certain that they swiped that costume from the wardrobe department of a regional production of Andrew Lloyd Webber's CATS.

Now, though this three-breasted woman predates TOTAL RECALL (1990) and comes after VICIOUS LIPS (1986, yet another movie to feature a three-breasted alien), I'm going to go ahead and say that TOTAL RECALL remains the cultural touchstone we most widely associate with three-breasted alien women.  Therefore, I would like to analyze the spectrum of human interest, using a Venn diagram to demonstrate that STAR TREK V truly has something for everyone:

I learned how to make a Venn diagram in Microsoft Office just so I could show this to you.  I hope you appreciate it.


#2.  David Warner.

Seems like everywhere you go, David Warner's around there someplace. Whether he's rocking out to Vanilla Ice, disapproving of folk dancing on Billy Zane's behalf, giving Stacey Keach a hair transplant, offering Neve Campbell acting pointers, psychoanalyzing Sam Neill, hunting lovable vampires, or smarmin' it up in a purple suit.  Like a bad penny, he always turns up– but unlike a bad penny, he's capable of delivering an engaging, nuanced performance.  (How proud I am to have enriched the English language with the brilliance of that sentence.)

He doesn't have a whole lot to do here, and when we first meet him, he looks pretty hung over:


When we last see him, he's all buttoned up and having a fine time at a Klingon cocktail party:

so I guess we've been through some kind of a hero's journey with him. 


#3.  Uhura reveals her true feelings for Scotty.



It would take too long and wouldn't really be worth it to explain what's happening there, but suffice it to say, Spock's half-brother (Laurence Luckinbill) is sending hippie vibes all over the Enterprise and it's like all those episodes from the original series where every other week somebody known for no-nonsense professionalism (Spock, McCoy, etc.) suddenly lets their hair down and gets wacky for twenty minutes or so before coming to their senses.  I always liked those episodes– it was like STAR TREK was momentarily hijacked by a soap opera.


#4.  The aforementioned rocket boots.

Are they stupid?  Yes.

Are they out of place in a movie that spends most of its run-time tackling the nature of spirituality with a straight face?  Assuredly.

Are they implausibly put to use on a regular basis?  Indubitably.

Do I love them?  Of course I do.


#5.  William Shatner vs. God.

I can already tell what you're thinking– how can William Shatner fight himself?  Well, contrary to William Shatner's opinion, I do not believe that William Shatner is, in fact, God.  Let's get to the bottom of this:  **SPOILERS ABOUT THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE TO FOLLOW**

So Spock's half-brother leads the Enterprise and her crew to the center of the galaxy to meet the being who many Earthlings, Vulcans, etc. have worshipped as "God" or "The Creator" or what-have-you.  The journey has some nice theosophical moments– mostly silly, sure, but occasionally it stumbles upon the subversive or the profound.  Anyway, they get to God:

who can change forms, but appears most comfortable as a giant blue head with fake eyebrows and a cheap Santa Claus beard.

Spock's half-brother is pretty excited to meet his maker, but the rest of the gang is fairly doubtful.  Note that Spock and McCoy appear uncomfortable/slightly dazed, whereas Kirk is peacocking, arms akimbo, already trying to upstage God.  Well, hold on to that thought.

God wants to borrow their spaceship, which seems perfectly reasonable until the 'Shat steps up to the plate, ready to poke a deity-sized hole in this religious experience:
 
"Excuse me."


 "What does God need with a starship?"

Now, to be fair, God kinda reacts like the God of the Old Testament would and shoots 80s lightning out of his eyes to smite the 'Shat:
 
PEW
 
PEW PEW PEW

which is sort of one of the best things I've ever seen.  Also, note that Shatner lives, and is thus invulnerable to smiting (which also explains the longevity of his music career).

We then get a cutaway to the Enterprise bridge so that Uhura and David Warner and some characters we don't really care about get to react with concern:

And then, with the look of an amazingly pouty teenager, the 'Shat asks (rhetorically?) "Why is God angry?" while McCoy looks on in shocked amazement.

Anyway, Shatner calls an airstrike in on God

and the Enterprise zaps a space torpedo down below which blows God up real good.

 Now I know that the takeaway here is probably that this bearded spirit was a con-man energy creature of some variety (he's skeptically referred to as "God" in the end credits), but who's to say– in the STAR TREK universe, anyway– that through his galaxy-wide psychic influence, he wasn't the being worshipped as a deity by much of mankind?
So my point is this: Kirk and crew regroup and the 'Shat says, "Let's get out of here."

I feel as if this was a MAJOR missed opportunity for a God-related action movie one-liner.  I shall now conclude this review with my Top Ten blasphemous one-liners that would have worked better for Shatner in this scene than a bland "Let's get out of here":

X.  (pithily murmured)  Oh, for God's sake...
IX.  God damn... yourself!
VIII.  Thy will be done– I blew ya to kingdom come!
VII.  Damned... with torpedoes!
VI.  Oh, Thank God... NOT!
V.   I believe it was Voltaire who said, 'If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him'... and then blow his ass to Broadway!
IV.  Who's a holy ghost now?
III.  Now that's what I call an eye for an eye!
II.  Talk about a baptism by fire!
I.  Heavens to Betsy!

And that's about all there is to say about that.  Three stars!

–Sean Gill