Only now does it occur to me... DOUBLE IMPACT (1991)

Only now does it occur to me... that DOUBLE IMPACT takes us but one step closer to the ultimate dream: a movie inhabited only by Jean-Claude Van Dammes.

Sadly, this step is not enough. Honestly, this is one of the weaker JCVD films from his Golden Era, even though the set up is half BATMAN, half-STAR WARS. When their parents are killed (on the way to the opera?) by Hong Kong triads

including, Bolo Yeung, he of the crazy-face in BLOODSPORT,

the identical twin baby JCVDs are separated and whisked away to safety. One remains in Hong Kong to become a badass, and one is whisked off to the U.S.A. by Geoffrey Lewis (EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE, BRONCO BILLY, SALEM'S LOT, MAVERICK), who is basically the Obi-Wan Kenobi of this scenario.

This American JCVD becomes an '80s aerobics instructor, and there's a reason why the brief scene in his studio is probably the best in the film. That reason is JCVD saying "I can do the splits, no problem" to a bevy of admiring fitness gals

"Noooo problem"


and then humping the floor at full extension


for their gratification and ours, apparently. Oh, and did I say this took place inside "JCVD's aerobics studio?" Obviously, I meant "in the waiting room to an office space the production had access to, maybe even the production company's offices."


Not knowing about his secret twin or murdered parents, he then heads to Hong Kong, wearing the best pink-centric ensembles 1991 could provide:

note the shorts:

Who... me?

After some mistaken identity shenanigans and JCVD #2 almost accidentally hooking up with JCVD #1's girlfriend who is a kind of "Cannon Films Jessica Rabbit"/"ersatz Jessica Lange" (Alonna Shaw)

the twin brothers have their shocking first meeting:

 
Well-acted, sir

At first, they hate each other because Hong Kong badass JCVD thinks that aerobics instructor JCVD is a "black silk underwear-wearing" homophobic slur.

Somehow they ended up with the exact same physiques and Belgian accents, despite being raised in Hong Kong and the U.S.A., respectively. Unlike the writers of TWINS, the writers of DOUBLE IMPACT are definitely on the "nature" end of the "nature vs. nuture" debate. The dual JCVDs end up fostering a mutual respect from beating up bad guys and shooting them with dual-wielded handguns, which feels like JCVD auditioning for a John Woo movie.

The audition worked, by the way––by '93, he was starring in Woo's HARD TARGET

This whole thing is pretty half-baked and there are four names on the screenplay, including Jean-Claude Van Damme himself (who wrote THE QUEST, if you'll recall) and Sheldon Lettich (RAMBO III, BLOODSPORT). There's a BLOODSPORT-referencing scene whereupon somebody's nuts get punched, but unlike in that masterpiece, or in LIONHEART or in KICKBOXER, here it's JCVD getting smacked instead of doing the smacking.



The smacker is Bolo Yeung himself, undermining JCVD's trademark move. (You'll recall that I am the web's leading authority on "brutal ball-squeezing.")

As the film lurches toward its finale, we have a lot of emoting

and a Bolo/JCVD rematch involving a big-ass oil barrel, which feels like a bit out of the video game FINAL FIGHT.


Another highlight is Corinna Everson (NATURAL BORN KILLERS, HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS), a bodybuilder and Ms. Olympia who plays a minor villain here

and sort of comes across as "dominatrix Laurie Metcalf," or, at the very least, the "Sensational Sherri" to Alonna Shaw's "Miss Elizabeth," as it were.

Anywho, the two JCVDs ultimately hug it out


and it ends on on a freeze frame that is better than 97% of the movie. Notably this freeze frame:

I'll leave you with a benediction, or maybe an epitaph, spoken aloud by my better half near the conclusion of DOUBLE IMPACT:

"CYBORG is a much better movie than this."   –My Wife

Only now does it occur to me... POINT OF NO RETURN (1993)

Only now does it occur to me... that John Badham's lukewarm remake of LA FEMME NIKITA contains a romantic scene that was surely intended to be as iconic as the pasta slurping from THE LADY AND THE TRAMP or at least the food montage from 9 1/2 WEEKS––but instead, it lands about as well as the "Sexy V8" sequence from NINJA III: THE DOMINATION. To set the scene: as in LA FEMME NIKITA, Bridget Fonda plays a junkie turned assassin who's looking for a human connection. She makes one with "90s nice guy" Dermot Mulroney, who picks up one of her off-brand Chef Boyardee ravioli cans after she drops it in the grocery.

This, naturally, leads to a dinner, whereupon, like Constance Leonore Gielgud in TROLL 2, she decides that the best seduction tactic is to take the generic canned ravioli and feed it to Mulroney with her mouth.









I especially love the look of "discount marinara-sauce clown mouth" satisfaction afterward.

While on the whole it can't touch its progenitor NIKITA, there's a few things to like (or be fascinated by) here, like the muscular Hans Zimmer score with Enya-esque wailing; a bit part by Miguel Ferrer:

(who is essentially playing it as if Bob Morton survived ROBOCOP and took his job more seriously); Anne Bancroft as the mistress of "Assassin Charm School" (a role played by Jeanne Moreau in the original):
 
and finally, Harvey Keitel as the Terminator-esque badass The Cleaner,

a role perfected by Jean Reno in the original, but given an even more ominous (and overtly villainous) twist by Harvey Keitel, who is always welcome, no matter the context.

Only now does it occur to me... MAVERICK

Only now does it occur to me... that MAVERICK is a real "Donner Party."  By that, I don't mean that it involves cannibalism, torture, or Mel Gibson Jesus-poses,

Though if this isn't in his contract, I'll eat my hat.

instead I mean that its director, Richard Donner, has packed the film with actors and references from other "Donner" films.

Obviously, it stars Mel Gibson (of 4 Donner LETHAL WEAPONS and a CONSPIRACY THEORY), but there's plenty more where that came from.

Margot Kidder (Donner's SUPERMAN 1 & 2, he also produced her appearances in TALES FROM THE CRYPT and DELIRIOUS) shows up as a grouchy spinster obsessed with a stolen wedding dress:

Alfred Molina (Donner's LADYHAWKE) appears as a recurring villain and instrument of Gibson-torture:

Stephen Kahan ("Captain Murphy" from all 4 LETHAL WEAPONS, but also appeared in Donner's SUPERMAN, INSIDE MOVES, THE TOY, SCROOGED, CONSPIRACY THEORY, 16 BLOCKS, RADIO FLYER, TIMELINE and a few TALES FROM THE CRYPTs) plays a riverboat card dealer, who shares an unusual interaction with Mel Gibson, whereupon he congratulates him on his win (with familiarity), and takes the chair with him as he stands, prompting Mel to nearly crack up.

Then, for the piéce de résistance:  Mel Gibson and Geoffrey Lewis are shootin' the shit inside a bank when three robbers bust in to relieve them of their wallets and blow the safe.  The lead robber piques Mel Gibson's interest and there is a note of recognition.

 

He pulls down the robber's bandana to reveal Murtaugh himself, Danny Glover:

And to the strains of the LETHAL WEAPON theme, they share a moment, then decide––nahh, this ridiculous.  Glover goes on his way, revealing the rest of his gang:

Corey Feldman (of Donner's THE GOONIES, and the Donner-produced THE LOST BOYS and BORDELLO OF BLOOD), country musician Hal Ketchum, and apparently transportation coordinator John M. Woodward, who coordinated such on LETHAL WEAPONS 2-4, CONSPIRACY THEORY, and TIMELINE.  I think that qualifies as a Donner Party!

Oh yeah, and even in the Wild West, Danny Glover is getting...

...too old for this shit.

BONUS QUIZ:  Can you identify which of the following pictures are screen captures from MAVERICK (featuring the lush cinematography of Vilmos Zsigmond), and which are Western Americana picture postcards?

A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

It's a cheap trick question––they're all screen captures from MAVERICK!

PS––and apparently, the brilliant Linda Hunt (THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY, THE BOSTONIANS, KINDERGARTEN COP) and my fave glam rocker Alice Cooper had their scenes deleted (damn!) as "The Magician" and "The Town Drunk," respectively.