Film Review: REINDEER GAMES (2000, John Frankenheimer)

Reindeer Games: Way more than zero.
Running Time: 124 minutes (Director's Cut).
Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by John Frankenheimer (THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, 52 PICK-UP, SECONDS). Written by Ehren Kruger (TRANSFORMERS 2-4, SCREAM 3, THE RING '02). Starring Ben Affleck (MALLRATS, GIGLI), Charlize Theron (MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, CHILDREN OF THE CORN III), Gary Sinise (FORREST GUMP, THE QUICK AND THE DEAD), Clarence Williams III (52 PICK-UP, TWIN PEAKS, PURPLE RAIN), Donal Logue (ER, GLAM, RUNAWAY TRAIN), James Frain (WHERE THE HEART IS, TRUE BLOOD), Isaac Hayes (ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, TRUCK TURNER), Dennis Farina (CRIME STORY, MIDNIGHT RUN), Ron Jeremy (THE BOONDOCK SAINTS, DETROIT ROCK CITY). Music by Alan Silvestri (BACK TO THE FUTURE, PREDATOR).
Tag-line: "The trap is set. The game is on."
Best one-liner: "When I get in there you better be wearing nothing but a candy cane!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"It's been a while."
–"Indeed it has."
"What's the deal? Too good to watch a trashterpiece with your old pal?"
–"Well, that's just why I'm here. To wish you a happy holiday... with REINDEER GAMES."
"Dear Lord. Isn't that bottom-of-the-barrel Frankenheimer? He did THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE and SECONDS, for chrissakes. He did THE TRAIN. SEVEN DAYS IN MAY. THE ICEMAN COMETH. How far the mighty fall."
–"I like to think it transcends the barrel. I mean, it's structure is sort of like a Coen Brothers flick in search of a consistent tone. And with a lot of holiday-themed one-liners.

In theory, it's FARGO meets POINT BREAK. In practice, it seems like a slow exercise in torturing Academy Award-winning actors."
"What's it about?"
–"Okay. Hold on to your Santa hat: Ben Affleck plays convicted car thief 'Rudy.' As in Rudolph. As in 'the red-nosed reindeer.' James Frain plays convicted manslaughterer 'Nick.' As in 'Old Saint.'"
"Clever."
–"Quite. So Nick has a pen-pal girlfriend, whom he's never met, played by Charlize Theron."
"Er... what?"
–"The love letters were really compelling, I guess. Anyway, Nick and Rudy are about to be released from prison, but Nick is shivved to death during a prison riot."
"What incites the riot?"
–"Isaac Hayes finds a cockroach in his JELL-O, it's not important."

"Huh?"
–"Just go with it. So Rudy gets released from prison and immediately impersonates Nick so he can sleep with Charlize Theron. It's super creepy, perhaps especially so because of Affleck's perpetual frat boy leer."



"Okay. He's the hero of this piece?"
–"I'm getting to that. So Rudy-fleck thinks he's about to have a quiet Christmas with Charlize when  her brother 'Monster,' played by Gary Sinise, bursts in with his gang of gun-running truckers."

"This is a trucker movie?"
–"Sort of. So Nick used to work at a casino, and Gary Sinise wants to use his expertise to rob it. Rudy-fleck has been impersonating Nick, so he finds himself in a dangerous pickle. It's the kind of noir-ish set-up that could be really effective with a schlub or a sad sack at its center, but with Affleck doing his best impersonation of a bullying rich kid (in an '80s movie about a scrappy team of underdogs), you simply find yourself rooting for Gary Sinise. In fact, the whole movie plays better if you imagine it's a sequel to FORREST GUMP, set after Forrest and Lieutenant Dan had a falling out and the latter turned to crime.

The fact that his gang includes the masterful character actor Clarence Williams III and an unusually soulful performance by perpetual heavy Danny Trejo only makes your root for them more."

"Is Danny Trejo reading BUSINESS WEEK?"
–"There's a subplot about how he's going to night school. Don't worry about it. Can I also draw attention to the fact that 'Don't play no reindeer games with me' is one of my all-time favorite lines of dialogue in a motion picture?"

"I think Gary Sinise is actively upset that he has to say that."
–"He sure is. It's far from the only indignity visited upon a member of this cast. Sinise must refer to the sex act as 'getting down her chimney.'

Clarence Williams III has a whole bit about how he loves Christmas cookies:

Former cop and lovable performer Dennis Farina has a monologue about 'S-N-O-fuckin-W, snow!'"

"They really went all in, didn't they?"
–"It ain't DIE HARD, though. Or even BATMAN AND ROBIN.

The good news, however, is that REINDEER GAMES does deliver something in the way of a Christmas present: for those audience members whose greatest wish was to see Affleck have his ass handed to him in a variety of absurd scenarios, it's an embarrassment of riches.

Perhaps none of these scenarios are greater than the following, where Gary Sinise critiques Affleck's value as a scene partner (with a handful of darts).

Apparently, this scene was judged by the MPAA as too intense for an R rating, and therefore only appears in the Director's Cut. I would wager that it's no more damaging than anything in ALF'S SPECIAL CHRISTMAS."

"That's some sad shit, there. The ALF Christmas Special, I mean."

–"See, Charlize Theron, you feel bad for.  Whereas, Affleck inspires some primo schadenfreude. But there is something specifically magical about watching Gary Sinise wage war against dignity. The man deserves an award."

"Is that a De Palma shot?"
–"Sure is. Also, note the '90s double-loop earring on Sinise. It's a nice complement to his existential disappointment. Though he seems to cheer up a little after he and Clarence Williams III get to double-team the following one-liner:

'Tis the season, convict...'

'Ho, ho, ho.'"

"Ho, oh no! Sort of a tragic Christmas tale, then?"
–"Well, I did notice in one scene that there's a STREET FIGHTER II pinball machine in the background.

So maybe they got to play with that between takes of flinging darts at Ben Affleck."
"That's nice. Any benediction for us? A Merry Christmas and a happy New Year?"
–"I think this should suffice.

Happy holidays!"

Only now does it occur to me... THE QUICK AND THE DEAD

Only now does it occur to me... that the first time Sharon Stone produced a vanity project (this was her first-ever producer credit) she chose a Western mash-up of UNFORGIVEN and BLOODSPORT.

Written by Simon West (best known to readers of this site for his twisted fairy tale adventure THE 10TH KINGDOM) and script-doctored by Joss Whedon, THE QUICK AND THE DEAD is revenge tale told from beneath the shadow of ONCE UPON A TIME WITH WEST, but with the trappings of UNFORGIVEN.

[Gene Hackman essentially plays "Little Bill" once more, although this time he shamelessly phones in his performance.

Also, a criminally under-used Lance Henriksen is our stand-in for Richard Harris' "English Bob," but more on that in a minute.]

The aforementioned revenge is sought during a gunfighting contest, which is set up, tournament-style and with plenty of montages, almost exactly like the Kumite in BLOODSPORT.  Though directed with stylistic panache by Sam Raimi (a Raimi Western?!––hey, at least it's got "dead" in the title), it's never quite as good as it ought to be, and for a movie lined wall-to-wall with Leone-style duel scenes, it's rarely exciting.  A "too much of a good thing" scenario of there ever was one. 


A few small observations:

#1. Mopey Sharon Stone.  I don't know why, but when actors produce their own vanity projects, they usually make sure that they get to do plenty o' mopin'.  They want as much screen-time as possible to knead their brows and get that sad, faraway look in their eyes.



This is a Revenge-Gunfighting-Kumite movie for godssake, and Sharon Stone is over here patronizing the audience and jonesin' for an Oscar.  They should've just had Charlize Theron do it.


#2.  Big stars for cheap!  There's a pre-TITANIC and ROMEO + JULIET Leo DiCaprio:

and a pre-L.A. CONFIDENTIAL and GLADIATOR Russell Crowe:

They're fine.


#3.  Alan Silvestri totally plagiarizes his own soundtrack for PREDATOR throughout this movie.  It's a good soundtrack, but I kept waiting for the Predator to show up and enter the tournament.  Now that would've been something.


#4.  Bruce Campbell had a scene, but it was deleted.  They should release it in a collection with the deleted Alice Cooper scene from MAVERICK.


#4.  Keith David.  Massively underused, but wearing one of the best/worst fake mustaches in memory.

A fair trade, I suppose.


#5.  Lance Henriksen.  He's not around for long, but he essentially steals the movie as "Ace," a trick-shooter with a tremendous fashion sense.

The way he looks makes me furious that he never popped up in a supporting role on DEADWOOD.


#6. A Woody Strode cameo.

He's pretty ancient at this point, but he has a brief bit as a the town undertaker, and it's a nice throwback to ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST.


#7.  Mick Garris.  Errr–––WHAT?!

Seen here on the left manhandling Gary Sinise, Mick Garris (infamous Stephen King crony and director of laughable King adaptations like THE STAND, THE SHINING, DESPERATION, RIDING THE BULLET, and QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY) plays a glorified extra during a Sharon Stone flashback.  I have to say that when I woke up this morning, I never imagined my day would have Mick Garris in it.  Well, there he is.

–Sean Gill

Television Review: THE STAND (1994, Mick Garris)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 366 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Mick Garris (CRITTERS 2, THE SHINING TV remake, creator of Showtime's MASTERS OF HORROR), Ed Harris, Kathy Bates, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Stephen King, Gary Sinise, Jamey Sheridan (THE ICE STORM), Miguel Ferrer (Albert on TWIN PEAKS), Sam Anderson (Bernard on LOST), Corin Nemec, Molly Ringwald, Ossie Davis (interestingly enough, in a role for whom I always pictured Clu Gulager), Ruby Dee, Rob Lowe, Rick Aviles, Laura San Giacomo (JUST SHOOT ME), Bill Fagerbakke (QUIGLEY), Warren Frost (Dr. Hayward on TWIN PEAKS), John Landis, Sam Raimi.
Tag-lines: "The end of the world is just the beginning."
Best one-liner(s): "Don't screw with my disco, Nadine!"

Wow. This is truly a travesty. This is an unadulterated, horrid mess. I don't truly consider myself to be Stephen King fan, but I would rank his novel, THE STAND, among the best works of literature of the 20th Century's latter half. It's epic, poignant, funny, and REAL; it's both pulp entertainment and serious art. It builds a tapestry of well-developed characters and vivid locales, and when it's finished, you feel as if some new friends have just departed. Now this film, by Mick Garris, is another entity entirely. It has about as much to do with King's THE STAND as DUMB AND DUMBER has to do with Dostoevsky's THE IDIOT. I blame Garris and his handlers. Horror master George Romero was planning a feature film based on THE STAND, but, for whatever unfortunate reason, it never panned out. And we can't blame the casting director; Gary Sinise, Jamey Sheridan, Miguel Ferrer, Ossie Davis, Sam Anderson, Ray Walston, Ed Harris, and Kathy Bates (the latter two, unfortunately, in cameos) deliver absolutely brilliant performances amidst the carnage, and Rick Aviles chillingly shines as the "Rat Man." However, Molly Ringwald's long lost whatever she had in the 80's, Rob Lowe's slightly out of place, and Corin Nemec's fake pimples are not enough to make me believe he's the completely repulsive 'Harold Lauter.' In fact, he's probably one of the most handsome actors in the cast. The film stock is terrible, and is constantly changing resolutions, sometimes from film to video, and I know that this is inherent in the elements and not the fault of the DVD.

I shall sum up the majority of my problems with the film with the description of one brief, climactic element. I don't want to give anything away, but a key sequence involves, shall we say, a visualization of 'The Hand of God.' What Garris spews forth is FAR worse than:

A. Nothing at all
B. A title card that says 'Hand of God,
C. A hand waved in front of the camera lens.
D. This.

Yes, dear Readers, it's even worse than THIS.

Mick Garris has transformed a work of extreme power, emotion, and import into something not even worth a good laugh. Perhaps a whimper, or maybe a scoff. Two stars (for Ed Harris).

-Sean Gill

Film Review: MISSION TO MARS (2000, Brian de Palma)

Stars: 1 of 5.
Running Time: 114 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Gary Sinise, Tim Robbins, Don Cheadle, Connie Nielsen, Kim Delaney, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Jim & John Thomas (the writers of PREDATOR, PREDATOR 2, and...WILD WILD WEST; MISSION TO MARS effectively buried their careers for good), Ennio Morricone.
Tag-line: "Let there be life."
Best one-liner(s): "The genetic difference between men and apes is only three percent. But that three percent gave us Einstein, Mozart-" "...Jack The Ripper."
Hip, shortened, promotional abbreviation: M2M. "Hey, man, remember that summer ID4 came out? That was a good one." "Yeah, but it couldn't compare to the spring M2M came out, or even the summer of M:I-2. But it was definitely better than the winter of AVP2."

A 1999 letter retrieved from the Buena Vista department of records:

Dear Mr. De Palma,

We're pleased to say that we're greenlighting your picture, giving you a budget of 90 million, and packing it with A-list stars. We strongly believe that there is a market for a new 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY updated with a little APOLLO 13 flavor and sprinkled with a touch of SPACECAMP. I also must say that I agree with your comments about the ending. I concur that we should show the alien as much as possible.

This was the biggest flaw in 2001. We didn't get to see any aliens. But we can't blame Kubrick too much, he didn't really have access to all of this wondrous CGI.

Also regarding the ending: though the script specifies that the creation of life on Earth and subsequent fast-forwarded evolution sequence should be shown visually, we both know that that would be a mistake. We should have the astronauts narrating it, and explaining everything that is shown. This will be majestically beautiful, and I doubt there will be a dry eye in the house. If there still is, we should have the astronaut hold hands with the alien and that will take care of even the staunchest, most resolute, and emotionally barricaded viewers.


I think it's safe to say that it will be child's play to make this better than Kubrick's frankly outdated 2001. If all else fails, keep showing the alien. I have faith in our CGI and your masterful directorial faculties.

Love,
Buena Vista/Touchstone Pictures


-Sean Gill