My analysis of "Freddy Vs. Jason: The Novelization" in Barrelhouse

Longtime readers of this site know that I am no stranger to in-depth reviews of dubious movie tie-ins and absurd horror novelizations. Today, I am proud to present my heavily-footnoted critique of the seminal work FREDDY VS. JASON: THE NOVELIZATION OF THE SCREENPLAY in an essay I call "The Free Thinker and the Automaton: Polarity and Duality in Stephen Hand's Freddy Vs. Jason: The Novelization of the Screenplay by Damian Shannon and Mark J. Swift." It's appearing online in Barrelhouse Magazine (a publication I have long admired for its commitment to high-brow aesthetics and pop culture detritus) as a part of their "Barrelhouse of Horrors" series, and I recommend checking out the other entries as well.

Only now does it occur to me... FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI

Only now does it occur to me...  that "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)" may represent the finest hour of the entire FRIDAY THE 13TH series.


Technically, this song just plays over the end credits, but the tie-in music video is something to behold.  And, just to be clear– I genuinely love Alice and this song with all of my heart.

There's so much going on, I find it impossible to decide what precisely is the best part, or even which part is the most confusing.  Is it Alice manually making the "Chee chee chee kah kah kah" noises with his mouth?  Is it Alice's riding crop and his Jason "throne?"

Is it when he rhymes "alone" with "alone?"  ["But the moon was full/ And you had your chance/ To be all alone/ but you're not alone"]  Is it when he rhymes "can" with "can?" ["Oh, if you see him comin', run away if you CAN/ Just keep on runnin', run as fast as you CAN" – truly only Alice can get away with this shit!]  Is it when Jason swings on a rope out of an image of Jason swinging on a rope?

Is it when Alice bursts out of the movie screen, just to smash a breakaway bottle against his forehead?

Is it the look of vague disappointment amongst the teens when the Jason movie they're watching on screen transforms into an Alice Cooper music video?

Is it the apathetic "I'd prefer it if you'd please stop" expression the teens adopt as their supposedly horrific but extraordinarily confusing theatrical experience continues?

 Is it when Alice puts the kids in a cage, only to unlock it a moment later?

 Is it when Alice is dragged back into the screen by Jason, who has already been revealed to be Alice? (Shades of multiple personalities á la MONSTER DOG and the album DADA?)


Is it the bizarre, non-sequitur of an ending that reveals Alice to be Jason's cultured dad, and "Jason" to be the name of the perplexed and depressed teen, right after we've seen that Alice himself is the man behind the mask as well as "Jason"'s father?

Who can say?  But I suppose it doesn't matter.  It's a Friday the 13th in sweaty July– just have a couple of cold beers and watch a Jason movie.  That's what I'll be doing later.  Maybe 3 in 3-D or 4- THE FINAL CHAPTER.  I'll have to see what strikes my fancy.  Eh, just remember: if you see him coming, run away if you can, just keep on running, run as fast as you can.  He's a dangerous, dangerous man.  And he's out tonight.  And he's watching you.  And he knows your house.

Film Review: THE BURNING (1981, Tony Maylam)

Stars: 3.3 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brian Matthews (THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS), Leah Ayres (BLOODSPORT, THE PLAYER), Brian Backer (FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, THE MONEY PIT), Jason Alexander (SEINFELD, JACOB'S LADDER), Fisher Stevens (SHORT CIRCUIT, MY SCIENCE PROJECT), Lou David (THE LAST DRAGON, THE EXTERMINATOR), Larry Joshua (UNFORGIVEN, SEA OF LOVE), Holly Hunter (CRASH '96, RAISING ARIZONA, THE PIANO). Special makeup effects by Tom Savini (DAWN OF THE DEAD, FRIDAY THE 13TH). Music by Rick Wakeman (LISZTOMANIA, CRIMES OF PASSION). Edited by Jack Sholder (director of ALONE IN THE DARK, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE). Co-written by Harvey and Bob Weinstein (it's the first "Miramax" movie) along with director Tony Maylam (SPLIT SECOND, WHITE ROCK), Brad Grey (who later co-produced JUST SHOOT ME and THE SOPRANOS), and Peter Lawrence (THUNDERCATS, HIGH SCORE).
Tag-line: "Today is not Friday the 13th. But if you see this movie alone... you'll never be the same again!"
Best one-liner: "Man, this guy is so burned, he's cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone! You know what I mean?"

While summer weather isn't quite yet upon us, I'm going to use the excuse of high, nearly unbearable levels of humidity to leap headlong into "Summer Slasher Season." Today's specimen, THE BURNING, is by no means an upper-tier slasher (like MY BLOODY VALENTINE or SLEEPAWAY CAMP), but it's still a damned enjoyable film, and one which offers early performances from up-and-coming stars (Jason Alexander, Fisher Stevens, & Holly Hunter), over-the-top gore effects by genre master Tom Savini, and, co-produced and co-written by the burgeoning, wheeling-dealing Weinstein brothers, merits the perhaps dubious honor of being the 4th film ever released by the Miramax Films company.

While the Weinsteins later claimed that their film had been in development longer than FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980), THE BURNING is, at best, a cash-in on that earlier film's success (though by no means whatsoever is FRIDAY THE 13TH a paragon of originality). I mean, look at the tag-line for godssakes. Regardless, Tom Savini signed up to sculpt the gore for THE BURNING instead of FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 because he thought that the concept of reviving Jason for sequels was senselessly misguided. (That didn't stop him from returning to collect a paycheck and dispatch Crispin Glover in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4, however!)

The plot is about as stock as they come. "It all started with a prank gone wrong!" I suppose you could say that about PROM NIGHT, LEVIATHAN, GHOULIES III, APRIL FOOL'S DAY, etc., etc., but I digress. Anyway, some campers seek revenge on the sadistic groundskeeper, Cropsy.

He accidentally gets set on fire, spills a tub of gasoline that he keeps by his bedside, and dives into the lake in a spectacular display of asbestos-suitery.

We soon learn that Cropsy has survived as the world's most sensitive hospital orderly tells us "Man, this guy is so burned, he's cooked! A fucking Big Mac, overdone! You know what I mean? No way I'd want to be like this freak!" After several years of therapy, Cropsy leaves the burn unit and immediately murders a random hooker, Argento-style. We're talking black gloves, black trench coat, extreme close-ups, and the backwards smash through a plate glass window. The works.


Why he murders this random prostitute remains unclear for the remainder of the film, since the indignities he suffered were at the hands of pranking summer campers, not big city hookers. In fact, the revenge angle isn't even really worked as he seemingly murders campers at random. In retrospect, we are told that pre-burn-victim Cropsy was "really mean."


(We are shown no evidence of this, other than the fact that Cropsy had a few bottles of booze in his shack when he was assailed by pranksters.) In any event, the prostitute murder was probably inserted so that A., Savini could play around in the style of Argento (something William Lustig had him doing quite well in MANIAC), and B., so that there'd be some "early in the game" bloodshed. If we take away the hooker killing and split the film in half, we're faced with the following statistic– part 1 possesses 0 murders and 5 fake-outs, and part 2 possesses 8 murders and 0 fake-outs. Clearly, the hooker-murder is necessary. I apologize, Random Hooker (K.C. Townsend), you were simply collateral damage from that eternal tug-o-war between "slasher film murders" and "slasher film fake-outs." It could have easily turned out the other way, with the killer startled and thwarted by, say, a random alley cat leaping on the windowsill or a young street urchin saying "Heya, mister, did you drop this knife?" Ah, well.

Anyway, we soon find ourselves at a nearby summer camp, soon meeting the motley crew of summer camp regulars.

Like– The Bully!


That's Larry Joshua there as the bully, and he really pulls out the stops for this one. His tormentee is Tony-winner and FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH player Brian Backer.

There's the likable frat boy-type played by Jason Alexander (with hair!), who's entertaining and engaging even within the constraints of a slasher film role.

On the left is Ned Eisenberg, who plays the smooth-talkin' New York guido-type. Then there's Leah Ayres as our female protagonist,

you may remember her as JCVD's hag– I mean, love-interest in one of the finest movies ever made, BLOODSPORT. KUM-ITE, KUM-ITE, KUM-ITE! Er, what was I saying?

Oh yeah– there's young Fisher Stevens, too! (third from left)

He's hasn't quite hit the ("Sayonara, dicknose!") heights he would achieve as he matured, but he's damn great here as a scrappy l'il prankster, fond of shooting people in the ass with pellets and then, as if to pour salt in the wound by displaying a non-pellet-afflicted ass, mooning them.

Holly Hunter's in there, too, but she's mostly in the background. She has a couple of lines, but the DVD was skipping, so you don't get a screenshot.

Rick Wakeman, formerly of Yes, composes a generally atmospheric synth soundtrack which is occasionally bland, occasionally prefigures the "DUNHD-DUNHD...DUNHD-DUNHD" rumblings from Carpenter's THE THING, and occasionally bursts forth with blasts of intricate, quasi-Classical brilliance. As a fan of Wakeman's solo work (I highly recommend the albums NO EARTHLY CONNECTION and THE SIX WIVES OF HENRY THE VIII for the interested), I would have to say that for the most part he's phoning it in here. Still, it has it's moments.

Savini's gore picks up where FRIDAY THE 13TH left off, more often than not dedicating itself to neck trauma. From a practical standpoint, it's extremely impressive, using optical illusions and well-constructed dummy parts to masterfully deceive the eye. Take that, CGI!


The film also features editing from Jack Sholder (his only editing credit) who also directed 80's horror trashterpieces NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY'S REVENGE and ALONE IN THE DARK.

Anyway, I don't really have much more to say. I can't say that it's a film that inspires or a film that sparks the imagination, but I will say that it's a film that kills about 91 minutes and five cans of Schlitz, and I'm pretty sure that's the purpose it was designed for.

Oh, and here's a picture of Cropsy wielding a flamethrower:


A little over three stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III- IN 3-D! (1982, Steve Miner)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by Steve Miner (FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2, HOUSE, SOUL MAN). Written by Martin Kitrosser (MEATBALLS 2, Tarantino's script supervisor). Starring Nick Savage (HILL STREET BLUES, CLEAN AND SOBER), Tracie Savage (LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE), David Katims (THE INVISIBLE KID), Dana Kimmell (LONE WOLF MCQUADE, THE RETURN OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES). With Richard Brooker (DEATHSTALKER) as Jason (making him the first Jason to don the trademark mask).
Tag-line: "A New Dimension In Terror..."
Best one-liner: "Yeah, sure. We'll talk... Bitch."

So the Jason movies are probably the least creative of all the horror franchises of the 70's and 80's. The movies are surely watchable, but they don't quite have the class of the first HALLOWEEN, they don't have anything that makes you go "WHUTTT!?" like the sphere with blades from the PHANTASM series, they don't even have monsters giving each other high-fives, like the GHOULIES. Now this third one is a lot of Jason fans' least favorite, but, for my money, it's the best. And I can tell you why with just one letter and one number: 3 and D. I've seen a lot of 3D movies on a regular television, but this one takes the damn cake. Any and every excuse to have something come toward the camera is exhausted. And when you think they can't possibly do any more, they do. It starts with the credits.

FOOOOOOSH
Every single credit laboriously floats toward the viewer with elan, as the greatest theme to ever grace the series (until Alice Cooper comes along in Part 6) blasts in all of its disco glory. A man holds a pole. What's gonna happen. He swoops it into the lens. Some kids play baseball. The bat awkwardly plunges into the frame.

WHAT DAH FUH–

A man's head is crushed. His eyeball spirals into the lens in all of it's 3D glory.

HO-LY SHIT–
Harpoons, Jason's groping hands, an irksome yoyo.

WHOA HE'S TOUCHING ME

This guy is probably a bigger douche than the dude in HOUSE OF WAX.

All of these things and more are going to come poking and flying at you throughout the film. Jason and the teens are more of a background setting for these sweet 3D effects. I don't even think they say Jason's name in the entire movie. I also love that even the cover art depicts a shadowy man plunging a bloody dagger...INTO YOU!!!

-Sean Gill

2009 Halloween Countdown

31. PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
30. PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
29. HOUSE OF WAX (1953, André de Toth)
28. SILENT RAGE (1982, Michael Miller)
27. BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
26. THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983, Douglas McKeown)
25. PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)
24. ANGEL HEART (1987, Alan Parker)
23. KILLER WORKOUT (1986, David A. Prior)
22. FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991, Rachel Talalay)
21. THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES (1971, Robert Fuest)
20. FRANKENHOOKER (1990, Frank Henenlotter)
19. HELLRAISER (1987, Clive Barker)
18. GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983, Nick Zedd)
17. ALLIGATOR (1980, Lewis Teague)
16. LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN (1971, Lucio Fulci)
15. THE CARD PLAYER (2004, Dario Argento)
14. SPASMO (1974, Umberto Lenzi)
13. C.H.U.D. (1984, Douglas Cheek)
12. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III (1982, Steve Miner)
11.
...

Film Review: FREDDY VS. JASON (2003, Ronny Yu)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 97 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Who cares, beyond Robert Englund? (Well, Evangeline Lilly appears as a green-shirted high school extra.)
Tag-lines: "The "Slicer"...The "Dicer"...And This Time, They're Not Any "Nicer"!"
Best one-liner: Maybe "Dude, that goalie was pissed about something!" or "Now... it's time to put this 'bad dog' to sleep... FOR GOOD."

"Versus" movies beg to be judged by a different set of criteria than, shall we say, "art" films; otherwise, I do not think I would have awarded FREDDY VS. JASON the same number of stars as I gave Ingmar Bergman's PERSONA (though I suppose the argument could be made for it being a "versus" movie as well). But I cannot lie: I enjoyed this quite a bit. Even before the film begins, there is something, maybe even magical, upon hearing the electro-harpsichord NIGHTMARE theme followed up by the 'Ki-ki-ki Ma-ma-ma" which FRIDAY fans hold so dearly.

And the film, though besotten with the trappings of a 2003 horror flick, manages, to the greatest degree that it can, to remain consistent with its 80's-entrenched series' roots. Something else that 2003 offers is a new breed of tool: neckless Abercrombie jocks and glow-stick waving dunces make much more cathartic machete fodder than, say, a freak-dancing Crispin Glover. But missing from 2003 are rockin' 80's tunes, Power Glove references, and, sadly, a freak-dancing Crispin Glover. Robert Englund is back and out of control.

Though the '03 makeup is much more demonic in flavor, Englund brings a certain glee and frustration that humanizes Freddy. Who can't relate to his "Aw, give me a break," when the mine car he's trying to push onto Jason gets stuck? Or the childish, genuine delight when he discovers he can launch pressurized air tanks at his foe? "Man the torpedoes!" Jason is similarly humanized with some flashbacks of camping torment and his near-pitiful phobia of water. So it all comes down to: Whose side are you on? It seems nearly impossible to me that one could prefer the completely taciturn blank slate killing machine that is Jason, when there exists a one-liner dropping, pop-culture referencing alternative who released his own pop album in 1987.

But since the fans will debate that to the death, I suppose it gives the film even greater appeal. "Place your bets!"

-Sean Gill

Film Review: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN (1989, Rob Hedden)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Kane Hodder
Tag-line: "The Big Apple's in BIG trouble."
Best one-liner(s): "School... IS OUT, McCulloch! Okay?"

"It's like this... We live in claustrophobia, the land of steel & concrete. Trapped by dark waters. There is no escape. Nor do we want it. We've come to thrive on it and each other. You can't get the adrenaline pumpin' without the terror, good people... I love this town." THAT is the opening narration to JASON VIII. Damn heady stuff. I'm gonna let you in on a little Hollywood secret. This film was the driving inspiration force behind Paul Haggis' Oscar winner, CRASH. Don't tell anyone, though, cause there would be a barrage of lawsuits, Oscar tarnish, panic in the streets, and I really wouldn't want to put Hollywood through that. Regardless, everything one needs to know about this film can be ascertained from one scene. Additionally, the scene in question is entirely ripped off from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4 (released one year prior in 1988), though in JASON it is not karate-themed, but rather pugilistic. The character of Julius Gaw is introduced early. He's a young black man, and his only character trait seems to be that he unceasingly enjoys boxing, whether at sea or on dry land. Is he gonna box Jason? Well, I'm not gonna spoil it for you just yet. When the ominous stowaway-bearing ship lands in New York, Jason goes on the loose. Finally, Julius gets his chance. He gets to box Jason. He whispers to himself to pump up: "Just use the combos, and keep the feet light..." Okay. By gum, he's kickin' his ragged ass!










NOBODY gets the goods on Jason, and this guy is goin' to town! But he's tiring. He's tiring. He's running out of steam. 'Hit me with your best shot, Jason!' And Jason punches his head with such force it decapitates this poor fellow, the head plummeting into an alley dumpster which then shuts dramatically. So close. But good show.

-Sean Gill