Only now does it occur to me... that the following quote, in toto and free of context, should probably be on an inspirational poster: "I have lived through Talullah Bankhead and the death of Vaudeville. I don't scare easy."
Of course it helps that it's being recited by the inimitable Burgess Meredith to a young Anthony Hopkins, who at this moment is clutching a terrifying ventriloquist's dummy. Amen.
Stars: 3.7 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Scott Glenn (SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, W.), Lou Diamond Phillips (THE DARK WIND, LA BAMBA), Yaphet Kotto (ALIEN, BLUE COLLAR), Ed Lauter (DEATH WISH 3), Chelsea Field (COMMANDO, THE LAST BOY SCOUT), L. Scott Caldwell (LOST), Andrew Divoff (LOST), William McNamera (Argento's OPERA). Cinematography by Mark Irwin (VIDEODROME, THE FLY, SCREAM).
Tag-line: "They're an elite task force. They target high-profile criminals, learn how they work...and shut them down."
Best one-liner: "Oh, shiiiiiiit!"
Mark L. Lester is a master of cobbling together chunks of existing genre cinema and fashioning them into an outrageously entertaining end result (COMMANDO, FIRESTARTER, CLASS OF 1984 and 1999). Now, EXTREME JUSTICE isn't anywhere near the top tier of Lester's output, but it ain't the worst way to waste 96 minutes. Within the first ten, we have a shootout, a car chase, the exchange "What the hell are we doing?" -"GETTING THE JOB DONE!," a throwaway black partner who says "Oh, shiiiiiiit!," and a lecture from a superior officer calling our hero a "loose cannon"... this is what we're getting into, ladies and gentlemen, and personally, I'm totally okay with it. [And I think that if this movie were made in, say, 1998, they probably would have called it X-TREME JUSTICE.]
The plot is simple: a ragin' Lou Diamond Phillips (with backwards ball cap and long, early 90's tresses): You thought I was kidding when I said 'raging,' didn't you? If this was in 3-D, you'd be shitting your pants, I guarantee.
is recruited by a delightfully skeezy Scott Glenn:
(here in a masterful, nuanced role that at times resembles an unholy hybrid between John Hurt and Lance Henriksen!) to serve in a modern-day official police 'posse' of sorts, where "What used to get you in trouble will get you a round of beers with us!" Diamond Lou finds his morals compromised, and at the insistence of his douchey crime-reporter girlfriend, decides to 'do the right thing' and shut the unit down. Blah. "Moralizing chippy" tries to ruin the movie for the good ole boys.
Yeah, this is all we really wanted! Beers and 90s stylings and hearty slaps on the back!
But Scott Glenn and the rest of the cast are so effin' awesome, it doesn't matter that things get a tad too moralistic. We got Yaphet Kotto, perpetually dressed as a cowboy (ponchos, dusters, etc., etc.) and gunning down wrongdoers with dual six-shooters. (I don't know how much the producers had to pay Yaphet to get him in that silly 5 gallon hat, but I hope it was a lot.) I'm not gonna lie- Yaphet deserves better than this.
Then we got Ed Lauter ('Shrike' in DEATH WISH 3) as the crusty Captain, master of accents Andrew Divoff ('Mikhail' on LOST) as an asskicking Cuban, and L. Scott Caldwell ('Rose' on LOST) as an Internal Affairs rep. Andrew Divoff tries to calm down ragin' Lou.
L. Scott Caldwell will call you out for what you are: a loose cannon that doesn't belong on the force.
Now nearly four stars is probably a touch generous, but Scott Glenn's X-treme N-tensity goes a long way.
Side note: I don't know if it's just the word EXTREME in the title, but certain aspects reminded me of a poor man's EXTREME PREJUDICE- a hero (Nolte vs. Diamond Lou) led down the garden path by a unit of antihero character actors (Forsythe, etc. vs. Kotto, etc.) headed by a charismatic skeeze (Ironside vs. Glenn) in a sunbeaten, Western locale (Texas vs. L.A.) that involves botched bank robberies, tense shootouts, and lots of cervezas. Something to think about.
Stars: 3.5 of 5. Running Time: 97 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson, Will Sampson, John Carradine, Jack Warden, Slim Pickens, Kim Novak, Ed Lauter. Music by John Barry. Tag-lines: "Two legendary enemies unite to fight the charging white beast!!" and "YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES!"
Part Dino De Laurentiis creature feature, part trippy Western, and part Charles Bronson shoot 'em up, THE WHITE BUFFALO failed to please the fans of any of those subgenres, and thus fell into obscurity. In actuality, it's a rather solid movie. Charles Bronson, decked out in 19th-Century shades and packin dual pistols in his sash, plays Wild Bill Hickok. Most people in movies wake up from nightmares screaming. Bronson wakes up with guns blasting away, and thank God no one was in the top bunk. Does he sleep while holding them?
Bronson: not at his best when tormented by visions of a white buffalo.
The nightmares involve a murderous white buffalo which has been manifesting itself in reality by destroying Native American villages. The buffalo sequences involve gigantic puppets and expressionistic indoor sets full of snow, fir trees, and ominous shadows (think the maze in THE SHINING). Some say hokey, I say atmospheric. There's well-written, mostly authentic Western banter ("You're up shit crick without a bull boat," "It's coldern'n a hooker's heart"); a mysteriously entrancing John Barry score; an appropriately douchey Ed Lauter (Shrike in DEATH WISH 3) as Tom Custer; Jack Warden as Bronson's racist, irascible sidekick; Slim Pickens as a whacky wagon driver; Kim Novak as an old flame; John Carradine as a stately undertaker (see the same role, albeit sleazier, in THE SHOOTIST); and Will Sampson as a humble warrior (who may just be a famous historical figure in disguise). Costume possibly purchased at a souvenir shop.
Bronson threatens to thrown a man out of a moving carriage for using the word "friggin" in front of a lady. Yes, that seriously happens in this movie. (And the man is indeed thrown from the carriage and promptly killed by Native Americans.)
There's a few solid shootouts and some Bronson-esque detours, but the main thrust is the epic hunt for the buffalo, as if Jack London had written MOBY DICK. As far as trippy Westerns go, this was clearly a huge influence (aesthetically and thematically) on Jarmusch's DEAD MAN, and, frankly, I even prefer it to something like Jodorowsky's EL TOPO, as it never employs the ole "weirdness just for weirdness' sake." Three and a half stars.
Stars: 3.7 of 5.
Running Time: 97 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by Peter R. Hunt (editor of the first few James Bond films, director of ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE). Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Carl Weathers, Angie Dickinson, Andrew Stevens, Maury Chaykin (TWINS, THE ADJUSTER), William Sanderson (DEADWOOD, BLACK MOON RISING), Ed Lauter (TRUE ROMANCE).
Tag-lines: "The Saga Of Two Rivals Who Clash As Enemies And Triumph As Heroes."
Best one-liner: "That look on your face would turn good whiskey into sour piss."
DEATH HUNT is by no means one of Bronson's best, nor is it one of Lee's best. But it's a sharp little arctic thriller (that provided the blueprint for RAMBO) with an insane ensemble cast, and it makes good on most of its action flick promises, so here we are.
Our heroes are pro-animal rights hermit Bronson and anti-technology mountie Marvin, and, unfortunately, they're victims of circumstance, forced to battle one another due to a combo of injustice and bad luck. There's a lot goin' on here:
we got Carl Weathers layin' in bed with a gigantic hooker and sayin' "You want a piece of this buffalo woman?," Andrew Stevens (MUNCHIE, MUNCHIE STRIKES BACK) acting as the moral compass of the film, a skeezy William Sanderson (BLADE RUNNER) cackling and getting bear trap comeuppance, Ed Lauter (DEATH WISH 3) bein' an all-around dick, Angie Dickinson gettin' romanced by Lee after bein' smacked around by him in THE KILLERS, 1. Romance 2. Smarm 3. Awkwardness
and Egoyan fave Maury Chaykin sleazin' it up like it's his job, which it is. But this movie belongs to Lee and Chuck. Lee's an old drunk who excels at not giving a shit.
By this point, he also looks a bit like Andy Warhol, which is fairly disquieting.
He gets all the best lines, like "There ain't nothin' in the book says that fuckin's against the law!" Or "I ain't a sir, a mister, or a Grandpa- YOU GOT THAT?!" Of Bronson he says, "I gotta know him so good I gotta taste him!" ...WHUTTT?! (Well, I guess there's some context for that which I have not provided.)
Conversely, Bronson hardly talks at all. Bronson feeds beef jerky to his new friend.
Again, like DEATH WISH II, he gets a one-word one-liner- "Welcome." BLAMM! I guess the big lesson here is: don't fuck with a man's cabin.
Bronson gets to take on a plane, NORTH BY NORTHWEST style. He does a lot of popping out of nowhere with shotguns blazing while his opponents look on, incredulously, because they were oh so sure he was dead.
Not sure what they expected, telling Bronson in the opening scene: "You ain't gonna be nothin' but a sack of guts!," but needless to say, every knucklehead that deserves it gets their just desserts. I think Jack London would be proud. If you want to mess with Bronson, get used to this view.
Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 92 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson, Martin Balsam (PSYCHO, TWO EVIL EYES), Alex Winter (BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE), Kirk Taylor (THE LAST DRAGON, FULL METAL JACKET), Gaven O'Herlihy (WILLOW, SUPERMAN III), Ed Lauter (TRUE ROMANCE, FAMILY PLOT), Deborah Raffin (GOD TOLD ME TO, SCANNERS II), music by Jimmy Page.
Tag-lines: "He's back in New York bringing justice to the streets..."
Best one-liner: "WE know that you did it! YOU know that WE know that you did it! WE know that you know that we know that you did it!"
ER doc: "Mrs. Rodriguez has expired." A concerned, brow-furrowing Bronson: "But you told me over the phone she only had a broken arm?" DEATH WISH 3 is golden 80's trash, bedazzled with that sparkling magic wand known as Golan-Globus.
The problem: out in Cypress Hills, Brooklyn, (filmed on location!) a poor man's Klaus Kinski and a bunch of face-painted background dancers from BREAKIN' have declared war on the elderly.
Their heinous acts are accompanied by Jimmy Page's rootin' tootin' burlesque synths, slap-happy bass (imagine SEINFELD times one thousand), and a general easy listening jazzy funkitude that words can't quite describe.
The solution: send in Bronson, make 'im mad, and turn 'im loose.
Now here's 15 reasons why DEATH WISH 3 may be the greatest movie Cannon ever made:
1. A bored Bill S. Preston, Esq. being told to "Stay awake while we're killin' this guy."
Each DEATH WISH film has an unlikely, famous- or pseudo-famous- henchman. In 1, it's Jeff Goldblum. In 2, it's Laurence Fishburne. In 3, it's Alex Winter. Hell, ST. IVES has even got Goldblum AND Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund.
2. “Chicken’s good. I like chicken.” Yeah, Bronson’s easy to please. As long as you've got chicken.
3. The Hispanic family has a giant sombrero hanging on their wall.
Similarly, the Jewish family has an enormous Menorah. Golan-Globus films take place in a kind of post-racial universe where sterotypes abound, but complete racial harmony can proceed as soon as the [land developers, evil gangs, rich kid's dance team] is defeated. See also: RAPPIN', LAMBADA, etc.
4. The jarring, semi-frequent roach squishing. The pacing in a Cannon film seems completely designed to illicit spit-takes. The whackiest moments come out of nowhere- just as you're taking that sip of Coke II...
5. The little zoom in on the portrait of the Rough Riders as the music noodles out a little martial flair (for no reason). See #4's note on spit-takes, and previous notations on Jimmy Page.
6. Bronson's disquieting smile and his ill-considered, matter-of-fact one-liner delivery: "It's MY CAR!"
"It's MY CAR!"
7. Four words: Mail, Order, Rocket, Launcher.
Not to mention the legal improbabilities of Bronson setting up a P.O. Box and immediately having truckloads of illegal weaponry shipped to him.
8. Bronson's continued love for ice cream (see DEATH WISH 2).
9. The purse-snatching 'Giggler.' "He laughs as he runs."
And that he does.
10. "Believe it or not, this used to be a great neighborhood." Ummm…WHAT?
11. Bronson shooting an unarmed man in the back, prompting the ghetto to erupt in a chorus of 'Right-ons' set to ROCKY-esque MIDI music.
12. When Bronson punches a dude out and he goes into an artful jazz-dance fall.
13. The fact that, without exaggeration, nearly EVERY single car seen in this movie ends up EXPLODING.
Car explosions would probably make a good starting point for a drinking game if you're so inclined.
14. The Commodore 64 adaptation with the tag-line: "You ARE Bronson."
15. And because the Italian marketing was so memorable.
I could easily come up with fifteen more. Probably even a thousand more. And maybe I will, someday. In the meantime, Charlie, here’s five mind-blowing, chicken-flavored stars. You earned ‘em. Eat up. Maybe we'll get some ice cream in here for dessert.
Stars: 3 of 5. Running Time: 130 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Gene Hackman, Theresa Russell, Rutger Hauer, Mickey Rourke, Joe Spinell (MANIAC!), Joe Pesci, Ed Lauter (TRUE ROMANCE, DEATH WISH 3). Tag-lines: None. Best one-liner: Not really.
Remember that one movie? The epic one with the atonal music. The one that began with a man making the solitary discovery of a massive quantity of a natural resource that exploded toward the heavens. The one where the guy had a really complex, disturbing relationship with his kid as a result of his own selfishness. There were striking visuals, majestic landscapes, and brief interjections of horrific violence. Yeah. Well, this is called EUREKA, and it came out in 1983. Now, I'm not gonna lie: THERE WILL BE BLOOD is a much better film than EUREKA, but it seems 'ole P.T. Anderson was adapting more than just a novel called OIL!, and he probably should have given credit where credit was due. However, EUREKA is classic 'less than the sum of its parts.' It suffers from a rare condition known as ‘Nicolas Roeg disorder,’ which means that it's going to seem incredibly strong at the outset, possess breathtaking visuals and editing throughout, but ultimately, will kind of blunder into a morass where it doesn't quite know what the hell it's doing. And sometimes that's okay. In my mind, DON'T LOOK NOW and BAD TIMING are films of his that escape completely unscathed. The first forty minutes of PERFORMANCE are 'top ten of all-time' quality, and then it derails into a Borges-wannabe psychedelic wankfest. Same thing kinda happens to EUREKA. Except its a long-winded courtroom-drama, voodoo-orgy kind of detour. EUREKA still possesses some moments of power, however, and features some fine actors. Mickey Rourke is a mobster milquetoast, Rutger Hauer is a raging a-hole son-in-law, Theresa Russell is a sharp but self-destructive daughter, Joe Pesci is the same old gangster he always is, and Gene Hackman is this picture's gilded core. I would recommend, however, watching the [your name here] cut of EUREKA. Whenever it starts to bore you, just shut it off, cause it's not getting any better, unless you really, really want to see Rutger Hauer in a cage. Three stars for effort.