Stars: 5 of 5. Running Time: 111 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Walter Matthau (CHARADE, THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE), Joe Don Baker (WALKING TALL, MITCHELL), John Vernon (SAVAGE STREETS, DIRTY HARRY), Andy Robinson (DIRTY HARRY, HELLRAISER), Sheree North (THE OUTFIT, THE SHOOTIST), Norman Fell (THE GRADUATE, THE KILLERS), Felicia Farr (KOTCH, 3:10 TO YUMA), Craig R. Baxley (also did the stunts and directed ACTION JACKSON and many episodes of THE A-TEAM). Music by Lalo Schifrin (MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, DIRTY HARRY, THE MANITOU). Written by Dean Riesner (DIRTY HARRY, PLAY MISTY FOR ME, FATAL BEAUTY) and Howard Rodman (COOGAN'S BLUFF, MADIGAN), and adapted from the novel THE LOOTERS by John Reese. Tag-line: "When he runs out of dumb luck he always has genius to fall back on!" Best one-liner: "Sooner or later, you're gonna tell me everything you know. So why not save yourself a great deal of pain, tell me now."
Don Siegel is the man. And CHARLEY VARRICK just might be his amoral, cutthroat masterpiece. THE KILLERS' hitmen protagonists, DIRTY HARRY's mildly fascist sensibilities, and COOGAN'S BLUFF's hateful 'tude toward the Love Generation were just pit stops on the way.
The late 60's and early 70's were chock full of gritty flicks like this; take-no-prisoners crime films populated by brutal, pistol-whippin', lady-slappin' sons-o-bitches: THE OUTFIT (with VARRICK co-stars Sheree North and Joe Don Baker), POINT BLANK, Bava's KIDNAPPED, PRIME CUT, THE MECHANIC, MEAN STREETS, GET CARTER, THE YAKUZA...I could go on. Walter Matthau, as 'Charley Varrick,' is a gum-chewing, calculating, mercenary thief. His gang kills cops like some people check their watch, and they're willing to risk it all for a measley couple of grand from a local bank in Buttfuck, New Mexico. The only problem is it just happened to be a mob front, and they've ended up with three-quarters of a million dollars. (But was it truly coincidence? See if you can determine the answer from Charley's unceasingly indifferent gaze.) But he's not a maniac. Far from it. He's perhaps the most rational being on the planet- completely committed to creating a plan that will ensure his survival during the certainly impending shitstorm. Said storm involves a totally dickish, crooked bank exec (John Vernon, who's played some of the best a-holes of all time): a blundering gang member (played by Andy Robinson, the simperlingly psychotic 'Scorpio Killer' from DIRTY HARRY): and the equally amoral but far more vicious "Molly" (Joe Don Baker), who is without a doubt the inspiration for Cormac McCarthy's killing machine, "Anton Chigurh": (A lot here seems like the direct inspiration for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.) In fact, this film so openly flouts Hollywood rules and convention, that, as you watch it, you can literally feel its reverberations on American cinema through the years since. Tarantino, the Coen brothers, Christopher Nolan (THE DARK KNIGHT's clown-masked bank theft of mob money opening pays homage), and many others -some openly, and some not- have dug deep into the many layers of VARRICK and extracted little bits here and there for their own purposes. But it’s such an epic, cynical tour-de-force, that no amount of depths-trolling can deaden its punch-in-the-guts impact (or the fact that the finale astonishingly involves a '67 Chrysler Imperial versus a biplane). Five stars.
Stars: ?! of 5.
Running Time: 61 minutes.
Tag-line: "You've never seen anything like it!- It's tremendus says Schnozoll-a Toucan!" 'You've never seen anything like it' is right!
Notable Cast or Crew: Burton's Birds, Jimmy the Crow, Coo.
Best one-liner: "Hey! You better send them vittles up to Ma Singer- she's gettin' burned up!"
So imagine that they remade "Our Town." But it's not set in Grover's Corners, it's set in a place called "Chirpendale." Chirpendale's somewhere in the general vicinity of 42nd Street and Birdway.
And this version has a new, racially charged––alright, overtly racist––subplot about a marauding, ignominious villain moving into town known as "THE BLACK MENACE." This version also has a circus, damsels in distress, and a lot of ill-considered puns. But it's still basically "Our Town." Oh yeah, I just realized I forgot one important detail: it has an all bird cast. (With the exception of a few kittens and other small creatures in cameo appearances.)
I don't know what to say. Just when you think it can't get any more ridiculous, it raises the stakes a notch further. Birds in silly hats? Birds on swingsets? I don't even consider myself an aficionado of cutesy things, yet every twenty seconds I was clutching my gaping mouth and pointing at the screen in wonderment like a little girl in her petticoats. Life is now worth living.
Who knows what torture they put these birds through in order to choreograph these sequences, but, I have to say... it was probably worth it. Birds driving a fire truck and fighting a blazing inferno? Check. Circus birds towing around caged kittens? Check. Birds in love sharing a milkshake? Check. Is that bird wearing a plaid cloth bowtie? Check. All of this and more.
This marks the only directorial effort by former child actor Dean Riesner (winning an honorary Academy Award for this bizarre achievement), who later was a frequent collaborator of Don Siegel (writing such films as DIRTY HARRY, COOGAN'S BLUFF, and CHARLEY VARRICK). I guess the only thing holding all these disparate works together is a sort of cheekily endearing fascism (?). 500 berries reward for information pertaining to the whereabouts of the Black Menace.
Take that, Black Menace! And, uh, stay the hell out of suburbia!
Stars: 4.6 of 5. Running Time: 104 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Whoopi Goldberg, Sam Elliott (FROGS, THE BIG LEBOWSKI), Brad Dourif (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST, CHILD'S PLAY), Harris Yulin (CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER, ST. IVES), Cheech Marin, Mark Pellegrino (Jacob on TV's LOST, MULHOLLAND DR.), James LeGros (DRUGSTORE COWBOY, GUNCRAZY), John P. Ryan (IT'S ALIVE, CLASS OF 1999), M.C. Gainey (Tom Friendy on TV's LOST, SIDEWAYS), Rubén Blades (PREDATOR 2, ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO), Charles Hallahan (Norris in THE THING, SILKWOOD). Music by Harold Faltermeyer (KUFFS, THE RUNNING MAN). Holy shit, the only people missing from this movie are Clu Gulager, Donald Pleasence, and James Remar. Tag-line: "An earthquake is about to hit L.A. It's called Detective Rita Rizzoli." Best one-liner: "Do you want a glass?" –"Do I want a glass? No, wrap it in a taco, dumb motherfucker, yes, I want a glass!"
FATALBEAUTY is an extremely underrated (buddy) cop thriller directed by Tom Holland (CHILD'S PLAY, FRIGHT NIGHT) and written by Hilary Henkin (ROAD HOUSE) and Dean Riesner (DIRTY HARRY). The cast is extremely eclectic and chock full of undersung, prolific 80's character actors, and Whoopi has never been more likable. There's ginormous boom boxes, zany high-heel'd hookers, chubby Latino queens channeling Divine, Cheech Marin as a smarmy bartender ("Gimme a kiss"), and Rubén Blades as a bearded, milquetoast cop who doesn't even know who Richard Gere is (zany, right?). It's a forgotten film, misplaced in a sea of BEVERLY HILLS COPS, LETHAL WEAPONS, and DIE HARDS. Discarded, derided, and disregarded, this is the sort of thing that Drug Mart puts in the 50-cent bin, then withdraws from circulation entirely 'cause no one is renting it... except me. I am renting it. And then I am proclaiming it to be a "hidden gem" for all the world to hear. So here are thirteen reasons why FATAL BEAUTY deserves its place in the pantheon, beside the likes of THE FRENCH CONNECTION and TURNER & HOOCH:
#1. John P. Ryan (R.I.P.) as the crusty Lieutenant who you love to hate. He drinks Pepto Bismol out of the bottle, smokes a pipe, and is always threatening Whoopi with that old standby– We'll stick you behind a desk if you screw up one more time, you whacky action-luvin' cop! He gets to deliver the classic "Gut feeling! We need probable cause– we can't go down to the D.A.'s office with your gut!" But then he pulls a disappearing trick halfway through the narrative and is never heard from again. It's a thankless job, and John P. Ryan has to do it. And I don't even grace him with a screencap here. That's completely unintentional, but probably an all-too-common theme for the credit owed to John P. Ryan. Lost in the shuffle. IT'S ALIVE? You probably just remember the killer baby. CLASS OF 1999? You can't think of anything but Pam Grier's robot boobs. RENT-A-COP? All you can think of is Liza getting goosed and James Remar dancing up a storm. THREE O'CLOCK HIGH? The bully. DEATH WISH 4? Bronson. WHITE SANDS? Dafoe. And John P. Ryan doesn't even get credited in that one. Where is the love? One of these days, I will devote an entire week to John P. Ryan. But, poetically, I'll probably forget that I ever promised that.
#2. M.C. Gainey and Norris from THE THING (Charles Hallahan) as two sexist cops who Whoopi schools the shit out of. In fact, that's kind of the set-up for the entire film: A. People offend Whoopi, calling her "bitch," "cunt," or by engaging in illegal activity. B. Whoopi kicks their asses and has a snazzy retort. Case in point: "Kevlar, bitch!" BLAM BLAM BLAM –"Smith & Wesson, asshole!" The retort doesn't even have to be that scathing, it just has to be sassy: "Hey, stay bent over like that and I'll show you a good time." –"Oh yeah? One quick hump and you'd be in the hospital, honey."
#3. Whoopi's style- she's got a cat like Philip Marlowe, drives around in a snazzy pink Mustang (shades of "AWSOM 50" anyone?), decorates her home with Chuck Berry paintings, shoots dudes in the ass and then tortures them, and whomps a WASPin' country club beyotch into a pool and thru plate glass window.
"Everywhere I go, people aredyin'to meet me." I didn't even get to the scene where she steals cookies from a restaurant before she leaves to abuse a suspect in the meat locker. Yes, she is awesome. I must admit, in the past I have generally had pretty lukewarm feelings on the subject of Whoopi Goldberg. Now she is a lifetime member of Junta Juleil's Hall-o-Fame.
#4. Rizzoli! I guess Whoopi is an Italian-American. Have-a some more s'getts, you look-a too thin! Whether or not the screenplay was written for a black woman is certainly open to debate, since they definitely run with some of the jokier aspects (in retrospect?). Either way, I love it.
or like a 1960's housewife-slash-debutante: her many disguises are guaranteed to delight and inspire.
#6. Mark Pellegrino as Billy Idol-lookin' punk named Frankenstein. Compare it to his character in DEATH WISH 4. It really puts a whole new spin on LOST. (And one scene in particular even eerily anticipates the Season 5 finale.) In fact, wait a minute- this movie is full of LOST alumni (M.C. Gainey, Cheech Marin). The wheels are turning. Note the black and white imagery.
#7. The guy who chews on a glass bottle for no reason. Hey, Busey lit his arm on fire in LETHAL WEAPON, so why not.
#8. Whiny James LeGros. He's the first of two characters to drop the C-bomb on Whoopi (Dourif being the other) and is referred to as a "snot nosed limp dick in designer jeans." LeGros prepares to drop the c-bomb with little to no warning.
Don't worry, though, the country club douchebomb who Whoopi whoops with such commitment and élan... is his mom.
#9. Sam Elliott. So soothing. Seriously, though, he and Werner Herzog should team up and do a radio show. The show could air from, I don't know, maybe 7-10 AM EST on weekdays, and I could set my clock radio to it, and that way I could bestir myself to something other than "Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin'...into the future..." which I guess is soothing in its own way, but it feels very old hat to me at this point in my life but I guess it's my own fault for having the dial tuned to a classic rock station only plays about five or six different songs. I digress. Regardless, Sam Elliot says, "I always had a thing for Italian ladies." Ro-mannnce!
#10. The eponymous cocaine blend which will kill you or drive you crazy in thirty seconds. WHATTT?! What a great plot development! It's so over-the-top and with such high stakes, that I have to say we're nearly in DEAD HEAT territory.
#11. Brad Dourif. Cast (in a pre-Chucky Tom Holland flick!) as the main villain, it doesn't matter if he's in silk shirts, ridic 80's wool sport coats or weird little red shoes- his frizzy hair is in that classic lopsided part, and he's skittering around like he's king of the drug world. He's surprisingly earnest, too. Well, at least before he starts killing everybody. We're entreated to the sight of Dourif blasting automatic weapons and shooting up innocent bystanders and security guards at a mall, which is strangely similar to the opening scene of CHILD'S PLAY- in fact, in addition to thinking of it as a second parallel universe on LOST, I'm going to start considering FATAL BEAUTY as a prequel to the Chucky movies. Hey, they both use the word "bitch" a lot.
#12. Harris Yulin. Always typecast as this sort of character. Always great at it. Lather, rinse, repeat. Is that a terrycloth smoking jacket or an especially dignified robe?
#13. The ending that may or may not involve a mustache kiss and a freeze frame, and the closing credits song "It's Criminal" by Shannon. "It's crim-in-nal. I THINK IT'S A CRIME! It's crim-in-nal. DOIN' TIME!"
Stars: 5 of 5. Running Time: 102 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Clint Eastwood, Andy Robinson, John Vernon, John Mitchum, Harry Guardino, John Milius (uncredited screenplay contributions), and a Lalo Schifrin score. Tag-lines: "You don't assign him to murder cases, You just turn him loose." Best one-liner: "Stupid kid! Come on, sing everyone! Sing, or I'll go home and kill all your mommies, sing, sing!"
"For $29.50, let it hurt." Of all the directorial "father" figures that molded Clint Eastwood into the legend he is today, I would say that Don Siegel had the greatest impact. Their collaborations (COOGAN'S BLUFF, THE BEGUILED, ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ, etc.) embodied a certain counter counter-culture sensibility that sometimes flirted with fascism, but shouldn't be confused for it. Instead, the films are complex dissections of the "man of values" in a world which has none, with our hero gradually realizing that his supposed values systems are in fact shadowy and undefined, and aww, who the hell cares anymore, let's shoot some people. But then there's no satisfaction from that, either. So, call it what you will, but I think our leather elbow-padded, sweet sunglasses-wearing, constantly squinting, ever-sneering hero perpetually sits in judgment of society- ALL society- from the rich stuffed-shirts to his fellow cops to the hippies. Plenty of extremes are presented to show you what Harry's not: the skeezy politico mayor (John Vernon), the homicidal racist homophobe Scorpio (Andy Robinson), the by-the-book cops and office drones, street thugs, and innocent victims. But, despite the nihilistic undertones, DIRTY HARRY is hilarious: "Do it at home!" he harshly intones to a young man cruisin' in the park, "Go on out and get some air, fatso!" he growls at Bob Mitchum's overweight brother (and that seriously takes some guts to offend a Mitchum- I guess that means you think you can take on Bob...and maybe Clint can!). And every Siegel flick has at least one amazingly head-scratching moment that fails to immediately sink in. HARRY's is when, in the middle of a crucial stakeout, his binoculars roam across a hippie's apartment, hosting some kind of ridiculous threesome. Instead of the sneer of derision we expect, Harry whispers to himself, "You owe it to yourself to live a little, Harry." WHUTTTT?! Bravo, Harry. Here's five stars- even though I know you'll just throw 'em in the river.