Only now does it occur to me... THE BIG RACKET (1976)

Only now does it occur to me... that it's been way too long since I've watched an Enzo G. Castellari film. It's a certain, unique strand of plagiaristic Italo-madness inflected with the pure joy of visual storytelling, á la Sam Raimi or Richard Rush. About fifteen years ago, I first watched a spate of his classicks: 1990: BRONX WARRIORS, THE LAST SHARK, THE HEROIN BUSTERS, KEOMA, TUAREG: THE DESERT WARRIOR, INGLORIOUS BASTARDS, et al., a series of films which rip off and then reinvent everything from JAWS to THE WARRIORS to LAWRENCE OF ARABIA to THE DIRTY DOZEN.

After all these years, I finally took a stab at THE BIG RACKET, which is a reinvention of the original DEATH WISH with enough Roman derangement so as to prophesy the swirly-eyed Cannon Films sequels.

The plot is thus: a gang full of models and character actors destroy bowling shirts and flowers with ball bats. This represents Italian crime in the 1970s.

 

What do they want? Protection money from local business owners.



They're part of a huge operation that goes all the way to the top––a smarmy mobster played by Joshua Sinclair's "Rudy." (He's a member of Castellari's acting troupe who almost always plays a gleefully pompous baddie, and––no joke––he's also a medical doctor and expert in tropical diseases who worked with Mother Teresa.)

But there's one man who will not allow this to happen. A likable man who wears a lot of denim and looks disapprovingly upon property destruction

and spilt sugar.

That's right, it's one tuff cop played by the one and only Fabio Testi. I've referred to him in the past as "Italo-Rock Hudson" and "Eurotrash Hugh Jackman." When he fires his weapon in top-to-bottom, skintight, cinched denim, you had best believe that he's doing a back-strengthening Superman extension as he does it. That's just standard Testi operating procedure.

Most of this movie is glass being broken in slow motion or Peckinpah-style bullet ballet featuring folks in close-fitting bell bottoms set to the wacka wacka beats of De Angelis, basically a nonstop bassline cribbed from In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and some random psychedelic guitar tinkering. Or else it's criminal organizations meeting up and sitting around and flashing their eyes at each other and posing while jazz drum solos riff unto infinity (just like in 1990: BRONX WARRIORS). There's a fair amount of ickiness, too, like the comically fascist pro-police agenda and "fridging" tropes and multiple gang rapes, which mainly seem to be in here because Castellari genuinely believes he is making a contribution to the same contemporary ultraviolent subgenre as A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, DELIVERANCE, STRAW DOGS, DIRTY HARRY, and DEATH WISH. In fact, he's making a live action cartoon with some of the best-worst dialogue in his entire canon.

"Holy jumpin' jackrabbits, somebody took a strong dislike to the decor in here!"

 

 "Well look at that, we've got a plainclothes peeping pig in our window!"

"There we were having a couple of quiet beers and these guys arrive and just start beating the bean bags out of us!"

 

"I think I better warn you, if I find one bedbug, you will see me for dust."

"We can't offer them protection 24 hours out of 24."

There's excessive use of the word "diddly." Sometimes it's used to mean "diddly shit/squat," and sometimes the uses are, shall we say, even more imaginative.

"Yeah, you're right, but, uh, but if they cooperate with us, they'll be up diddly creek."

"Pull yourself together before you drop us both into the diddly."

–"If we're gonna get into the diddly, I'm gonna make sure it's because we really earned the right to be in it."

There are moments of the sublime, like when a gang member is pouring kerosene on a small restauranteur's dining room and says, flatly,

"Pity we ain't got some chestnuts to put on this."

"Ya mucker" is a common insult in the world of THE BIG RACKET, and sometimes gang members make spirited and hilariously weird commentary on the beatings they're administering:

"Ah sure, a sizzling face stinger... topped off with a rear-over-headlight turnover!"

All of this is too much for Good Cop Pushed Too Far™ Fabio Testi, who must break the law in order to enforce it.

"Criminal methods, in this case, were necessary. I know my methods are, let's say, somewhat illegal, but if the results are right, don't they justify the means?"

Because Castellari loves a "men on a mission" movie more than anything else, a now suspended-from-the-force Testi recruits a band of avengers to take out the mob, PUNISHER style. He enlists a thief-buddy (Vincent Gardenia––two-time Oscar nominee, DEATH WISH and MOONSTRUCK cast member, and "Mushnik" in LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS)

and other roughnecks to join his "let's say, somewhat illegal" crusade. Along the way, there are darkly comic and socially dangerous vigilante fantasies, like an Olympic skeet shooter being present (by happenstance!) when hero cops are pinned down by a literal army of mobsters. He proceeds to take out half the army while never being mistaken by the cops as a gang member. Holy jumpin' jackrabbits.

Anyway, the film's politics (described by Morando Morandini in Il Giorno as "a fascist film, a vile film, an idiot film"––and he's not wrong!) somehow can't fully drop this film "into the diddly," so to speak, and distract from its glorious, era-defining kitsch and denim-related achievements.

"Obsessions: Authoritarian Kitsch" Online at ZYZZYVA

A new short essay of mine called "Authoritarian Kitsch" is available to read online at ZYZZYVA, as a part of their ongoing "Obsessions" series. It takes on some of my more complicated feelings regarding camp entertainment––and when it overlaps with fascist mythmaking.

ZYZZYVA is a San Francisco literary journal, founded in 1985, that has published work by writers such as Haruki Murakami, Amy Tan, and Ursula K. Le Guin.

Only now does it occur to me... DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN

I reviewed DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN a while back, but upon rewatching it this Fourth of July, I noticed something new:

  

Only now does it occur to me... that Bronson meets the venerable John P. Ryan at a movie theater that only plays Cannon Films:  namely Zefirelli's OTELLO and Konchalovsky's RUNAWAY TRAIN:

I'm guessing he went for the senior discount.

Now, apparently John P. Ryan's character picked the movie within the context of DEATH WISH 4, so it's interesting that he went for OTELLO instead of RUNAWAY TRAIN, which co-stars: John P. Ryan. 

Anyway, Bronson walks in, mid-way through OTELLO and in a bold move on Cannon's part, the theater is shown to be half-empty:

Bronson sits down next to John P. Ryan and they take in OTELLO for a few moments before proceeding with their secret vigilante meeting.

 They look severely underwhelmed by the picture.  In fact, they remind me of two other old men I know...two old men who spend a lot of time hanging out in theaters and being grumpy...

There we go.  Thanks, DEATH WISH 4!

Only now does it occur to me... BANANAS

Only now does it occur to me... that Sylvester Stallone could have easily been a DEATH WISH punk!


Near the beginning of BANANAS, Woody Allen's Latin America-regime change-screwball-comedy, our nebbish hero is accosted by two Italian American thugs, one of whom is an extremely young Sylvester Stallone.  (It begins exactly as a scene from DEATH WISH, though that film wouldn't come out for three years.)  He steals a woman's hat and begins molesting an old lady with crutches


when Paul-Kersey-in-training Woody Allen takes the initiative

and tosses their asses off the train.  Of course, as in real life, the subway doors reopen when least expected and/or appreciated

and the Italian Stallion takes his revenge, chasing Allen down the train car to an uncertain fate.  Alas, there is no Bronson.

 

I'm not gonna lie to you– it's the highlight of the film.  Woody Allen's films are often pretty hit or miss for me, and this one hasn't aged too gracefully.  It's Zany with a capital 'Z,' and occasionally is Konsciously Kooky enough make a Benny Hill sketch seem understated.  Still, I say Stallone counts for plenty!

RIP, Michael Winner

Michael Winner, a much beloved director here at Junta Juleil, passed away this morning.  

His best-crafted films include the original DEATH WISH, THE SENTINEL, and THE MECHANIC, but I think he'll be most remembered for DEATH WISH 3, the outrageous, incredible Cannon film that reigns over action movie sequels like a benevolent, chicken-loving monarch.  And his legendary multi-film partnerships with giants of cinema Charles Bronson and Oliver Reed shall not be forgotten.  Here's to you, Mr. Winner, here's to exploding juke boxes, mail-order rocket launchers, and dummies plummeting to their doom– your films have made this viewer very happy.  R.I.P.

Bronson, Obayashi, and "Bananas, Bananas, BANANAS!"

This was sent to me by a Bronson-luvin' friend, and I needed to share it immediately. On a review of DEATH WISH 3, which can be found here (my own review of DW3 can be found here), a reader named Jason Pollock commented that he had just seen the film on the big screen with an Alex Winter Q&A afterward, and I quote:

"[Alex Winter] also told us that the dude who played The Giggler [Kirk Taylor] was in awe of Bronson, and wanted to chat with him – but not be a bother. So he saw that Bronson was sitting alone in a room off of the main set one day, and he calmly approached. As The Giggler reached the doorway and quietly said, “Hello, Mr. Bronson…” Bronson spun around on him and growled:

“HOW MANY BANANAS HAVE YOU EATEN TODAY, KID??!! YOU EAT ENOUGH BANANAS AND YOU’LL NEVER GET SICK!! I EAT ‘EM ALL THE TIME!!!”

The Giggler lost the nerve to ever approach Bronson again."

Now I must say that I immediately scarfed down a few bananas in response to this, but I'd also like to propose the following wild theory: Bronson worked with Japanese director Nobuhiko Obayashi on a series of commercials for Mandom cologne. They apparently were friendly, with Bronson nicknaming Obayashi "Ob" and Obayashi even making vague nods to Bronson movies in his absurdist masterpiece HAUSU. Now, HAUSU contains a notable and notorious scene whereupon a man screams "BANANAS, BANANAS, BANANAS!" and therefore transforms into a tremendous pile of bananas. Is this perhaps a nod to to Bronson and his peculiar banana-luvin' ways? Did Bronson perhaps love bananas even more than he loved...chicken? Inquiring minds must know!

Film Review: DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH (1994, Allan A. Goldstein)

Stars: 4.2 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson, Lesley-Ann Down (MUNCHIE STRIKES BACK), Michael Parks (THE HITMAN, THE RETURN OF JOSEY WALES 'Jean Renault' on TWIN PEAKS, 'Earl McGraw' in KILL BILL, PLANET TERROR, et al.), Saul Rubinek (UNFORGIVEN, TRUE ROMANCE), Miguel Sandoval (CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER, JURASSIC PARK, DO THE RIGHT THING), Kenneth Welsh ('Windom Earle' on TWIN PEAKS), Robert Joy (ATLANTIC CITY, LAND OF THE DEAD).
Tag-line: "No judge. No jury. No appeals. No deals."
Best one-liner: "Guns make you nervous?" –"Guns have their uses. Idiots with guns make me nervous."

Well, I've been sick this week, have fallen behind in my reviews, and now it looks like 'Batshit Craziness Week' may just turn into 'Batshit Craziness Fortnight,' so brace yourselves.

Charlie's back and he's pushin' 80; we got the Golan, lost the Globus– DEATH WISH is ready to take on the 90's. Well, you're probably wondering, how does the franchise hold up in the post-Cannon breakup era? The answer: excellently. Within, literally, the first ten seconds, we have three hairdressers, a ton of models, some asscrack, and a touch of nipple. Golan, you dog!



Yup, we're at a fashion show. Well, why wouldn't we be at a fashion show?- this is a DEATH WISH movie, after all. Bronson's back in the Big Apple, and he's got yet another doomed ladyfriend, this time Lesley-Anne Down of MUNCHIE STRIKES BACK fame.

Munchie never pulled any shit like this.

Michael Parks is her rabid ex and the main villain of the piece.

He's so goddamned scary, I was hiding behind my couch for half the movie. Looking a bit like Clu Gulager, doing gleefully racist impersonations, and eagerly slicing up a fat man's guts with some kind of sewing machine, Parks plays your typical mobster/high fashion magnate. He and his cronies are laundering money, so they have to toss a bunch of mannequins and clothes into a vat of acid to make up for it or something?

I'm not sure that makes any sense, but I have complete faith in Golan, so I'm sure it's my fault for being confused. Then there's Chekhov's rule about vats of acid in Bronson movies: if there's a vat of acid in Act 1, Bronson will push some d-bag into it by Act 3. Anyway, at first you'll think that the fashion industry setting was chosen so that Golan could showcase his kickass flamboyance (see also: THE APPLE, SALSA), but as it turns out, I think it was chosen so that people could be tortured by the associated industrial machinery.

But I digress. Bronson's in the witness protection program now, working as a professor. This is brilliantly conveyed when Saul Rubinek says something like 'Ah, yes, remember when I put you in the witness protection program? How's that working out? Are you still a professor?' Rubinek, naturally, is playing himself, but he does it well enough that he nearly challenges Parks for 'Best Actor in DEATH WISH 5.' But there are actually some pretty solid performances here- Kenneth Welsh

(Windom Earle from TWIN PEAKS) as the beleaguered top cop, Miguel Sandoval as a possibly nefarious buddy, and Robert Joy as a killer dude in drag who's kinda like the poor man's John Glover/Klaus Kinski. (And it must be mentioned that by no means is that an insult- even the poor man's Glover/Kinski is better than 90% of actors working today.) Joy's main character trait is that- I shit you not- he suffers from a dandruff problem (his name is "Freddy Flakes"). In one mind-boggling sequence, Mr. Flakes disfigures Bronson's gal as Michael Parks distracts Bronson by blowing him kisses.


Again, though Bronson probably is incapable of understanding the concept of same-sex attraction, the chemistry is palpable. Parks even has difficulty tearing his eyes away from him as his rent gal pines for a smooch. Regardless, Joy brings his all- and then some- to the scene.

Not sure how a wig can have dandruff, but I'm goin' with it.


Flakes relaxing at home.

Described as a "very lethal guy," Bronson dispatches Freddy with extreme prejudice and a remote control soccer ball bomb, deliciously intoning "I'm gonna take care of your dan-druff problem for you!" This is full of those phrases that probably originated in the screenwriter's head as 'one-liners,' but once they roll off of Bronson's tongue, they achieve "It's MY CAR!" status. Like "I don't need anything...but YOU need a BATH!" or "You got a PROBLEM?":



We've got probably the most brutal hit and run in film history (which must be seen to be believed), the 'dummies flung from buildings' quotient filled (Bronson himself even gets to take a kickass leap!),

and ridiculous Italian stereotypes (cannolis, opera, spaghetts, and a woman named 'Mama' converge in a matter of seconds). Bronson gets to torture a dude with saran wrap:

and it all ends on an EXTERMINATOR 2-inspired freeze frame.

Bravo, gentlemen. A fitting swansong for a hero who inspired us, astonished us, and delighted us every time gunned down purse-snatchers, professed his love for chicken, or stuck his boot up the ass of some cheap punk who totally didn't see it coming.

He touched our hearts, he blew our minds, and then he blew the bad guys away- and I never got tired of seein' him do it.

-Sean Gill