Only now does it occur to me... BLUE THUNDER (1983)

 Only now does it occur to me...  that I waited way too long to watch BLUE THUNDER.

Directed by John Badham (SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, WARGAMES), and written by Dan O'Bannon (ALIEN, THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, John Carpenter's DARK STAR) and Don Jakoby (DEATH WISH 3, ARACHNOPHOBIA, John Carpenter's VAMPIRES), it's a thriller about the militarization of our police forces and the obliteration of personal privacy. It's about brave whistleblowers and bitchin', fully rad helicopters; possibly the median point between SNOWDEN and AIRWOLF.


The inimitable Roy Scheider stars as an LAPD helicopter pilot (battling PTSD from Vietnam) who's paired with a nerdy rookie (Daniel Stern),

and bossed around by a crusty but lovable Warren Oates

who is given an ample platform to growl "goddammit" and "you bright-eyed sons of bitches" with impunity, and chide the newbie Stern with monologues like: "You're supposed to be stupid, son, don't abuse the privilege.... for Chrissakes, I had 20 years in this outfit when your idea of a big time was sittin in front of the TV tube, watchin' Bugs Bunny and gnawin' on your Fudgesicle!"

Candy Clark appears in a brilliant supporting role as Roy Scheider's ex-wife; at the beginning, at least, it feels like outtakes from the most depressing domestic scenes in ALL THAT JAZZ.

"Goddamn your Black Irish heart, Frank Murphy!"

Malcolm McDowell plays the villain of the piece, obviously, named Colonel Cochran (and I'm going to continue with my conspiracy theories about HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH being an inspiration to filmmakers everywhere), a nefarious Brit who was essentially a prep-school bully to Roy Scheider back in 'Nam (there are flashbacks).

He wears turtlenecks and uses "Catch you later!" as his evil catchphrase, which is fine, I guess.  It's okay, I think he's having fun.

"Catch you later!"

In all, it's a genuinely exciting conspiracy thriller with high stakes, despite sorta feeling like a big-budget episode of (the aforementioned) AIRWOLF, or even MACGUYVER. Prefiguring TOP GUN by three years, when its politics begin to show, it presents itself as anto-jingoist, opposing in every way the values of post-TOP GUN, Michael Bay school of filmmaking. In BLUE THUNDER, military technology is to be feared, not fetishized; and it depicts the new generation of Reagan-era jet fighter jockeys and their masters as schlubs propped-up by propaganda, accidentally firing heat-seeking missiles into a BBQ joint (because of misinterpreted thermal imaging) and into an office building (whose windows are reflecting the rays of the sun).


Also: Roy Schneider flies a helicopter upside down while screaming "Come on, you tub of shit!" which is without a doubt the "Smile, you sonofabitch!" moment of this movie.


If that's not enough of an endorsement, I don't know what is.





P.S.––Coming soon: horror films for Halloween.

Only now does it occur to me... HOME ALONE 2

Well, in addition to being a soulless, self-plagiaristic complete retread of the first installment, even down to geometric patterns that become imprinted upon Daniel Stern's forehead, only now does it occur to me... that the finest and most sincere moment in HOME ALONE 2 may very well be Tim Curry's intense and wholly spectacular shit-eating grin:

The shit-eating grin that saved Christmas

Also, it gets a few extra points for John Hughes-veteran Ally Sheedy's cameo:

Ally... was it Sheedy?

And I must say that the levels of family-friendly sadism reach cruel and excruciating heights perhaps even worthy of the master himself, Lucio Fulci:

 

 Daniel Stern is agonizingly staple-gunned through a doorway in HOME ALONE 2...

 

...in a similar manner to Olga Karlatos' agonizing run-in with a splinter in ZOMBIE 2.

Merry Christmas!

Film Review: C.H.U.D. (1984, Douglas Cheek)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Daniel Stern (HOME ALONE, LEVIATHAN), John Heard (CAT PEOPLE, CUTTER'S WAY, AFTER HOURS), Kim Griest (MANHUNTER, BRAZIL), Christopher Curry (RED DRAGON, LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN), John Goodman.
Tag-line: "Ugly. Slobbering. Ferocious. Carnivorous."
Best one-liner: "Are you kidding? Your guy's got a camera. Mine's got a flamethrower."

C.H.U.D. (CANNIBALISTIC HUMANOID UNDERGROUND DWELLER) is kind of the bastard child of ALLIGATOR (1980) and BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES (1970), but it's never quite as good as either of them. In fact, I'm not sure what exactly has cemented C.H.U.D.'s cult status- it's a solid enough little subterranean mutant zombie flick, but it never quite brings enough spectacle, engagement, or unhinged wackitude to the table to really push things over the edge. The cast is solid enough: Daniel Stern (HOME ALONE, LEVIATHAN) is a smart-alecky soup kitchen cook:

John Heard (AFTER HOURS, CAT PEOPLE) is a modern-day Jacob Riis-style muckraking photog, Kim Griest (MANHUNTER, BRAZIL) is the model/girlfriend:

Christopher Curry (STARSHIP TROOPERS, F/X) is the system-fighting cop, and there's a bit part by a young n' smarmy John Goodman as C.H.U.D.-fodder.

The film's heart is definitely in the right place, and there's some nice anti-evil bureaucracy, pro-environment, pro-homeless sentiments interwoven throughout the film (director Douglas Cheek went on to work as an editor on several grassroots liberal documentaries in the past decade). The special effects are pretty limb-rippingly impressive and eye-glowingly memorable (even if they're severely underused),

and there are some fantastically atmospheric shots of manhole covers being ominously hoisted,

but as a whole, this thing never quite congeals into a successful narrative. Endlessly listening to people talk about the C.H.U.D.s just doesn't cut it.

That being said, there are a few choice moments, including my personal favorite, when Daniel Stern is being tailed by a representative of a nefarious government agency. Stern decides to make a phone call, stops at a booth, and inserts his quarter. The leering G-man d-bag rushes up, ejects the coin, snags it, and eats it. Touché.

Still, if you're REALLY hankerin' for a toxic hobo flick, I must instead recommend J. Michael Muro's 1987 masterpiece, STREET TRASH.

-Sean Gill

2009 Halloween Countdown

31. PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
30. PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
29. HOUSE OF WAX (1953, André de Toth)
28. SILENT RAGE (1982, Michael Miller)
27. BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
26. THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983, Douglas McKeown)
25. PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)
24. ANGEL HEART (1987, Alan Parker)
23. KILLER WORKOUT (1986, David A. Prior)
22. FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991, Rachel Talalay)
21. THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES (1971, Robert Fuest)
20. FRANKENHOOKER (1990, Frank Henenlotter)
19. HELLRAISER (1987, Clive Barker)
18. GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983, Nick Zedd)
17. ALLIGATOR (1980, Lewis Teague)
16. LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN (1971, Lucio Fulci)
15. THE CARD PLAYER (2004, Dario Argento)
14. SPASMO (1974, Umberto Lenzi)
13. C.H.U.D. (1984, Douglas Cheek)
12.
...

Film Review: LEVIATHAN (1989, George P. Cosmatos)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 98 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Written by David Webb Peoples (UNFORGIVEN, SOLDIER, BLADE RUNNER). Starring Peter Weller (BUCKAROO BANZAI, NAKED LUNCH, ROBOCOP), Ernie Hudson (THE SUBSTITUTE, GHOSTBUSTERS), Richard Crenna (RAMBO, UN FLIC), Amanda Pays (MAX HEADROOM), Daniel Stern (HOME ALONE, narrator on THE WONDER YEARS), Hector Elizando (PRETTY WOMAN, AMERICAN GIGOLO), Meg Foster (THEY LIVE, STEPFATHER II). Music by Jerry Goldsmith (CHINATOWN, ALIEN, RAMBO). Special effects by Stan Winston (PREDATOR, THE TERMINATOR, JURASSIC PARK).
Tag-line: "Welcome to your worst nightmare, welcome to Leviathan." (...Butt-horn?)
Best one-liner: "Say 'Ahhh,' motherfucker!"

"That's JUST great! You tellin' me we got a god damn Dracula in here with us?" Like its human-absorbing, hybrid fish-creature star, LEVIATHAN is a film built entirely from pre-existing components. Everything here, we've seen before, be it in THE THING or ALIEN or THE ABYSS. We've already seen Peter Weller (ROBOCOP) and Ernie Hudson (GHOSTBUSTERS) hoist gigantic futuristic weapons around.

Daniel Stern (HOME ALONE) opens soda cans with his mouth and is always talkin' about how much he'd like the female crew members to sit on his face. There's the British woman (Amanda Pays) who requires no character development, because her accent already tells us that she's a quick-witted expert of some kind. We got Richard Crenna (FIRST BLOOD) sitting in front of an ancient monitor, shaking his head at some statistics, EXACTLY like Wilford Brimley does in THE THING.


The creature even drains the blood supply! We've got a nefarious corporate master played by the evil chick from THEY LIVE.

And it's a cautionary tale: the chain of events (that causes slavering, mutating monsters to emerge) all starts with a practical joke and some purloined booze. Somehow that's even worse than the Jason movies, where sex begets death. Jokin' around equals death? Jeez! Cut us some slack!

Anyway, I don't think I've yet mentioned that I really enjoyed this movie. Like ACTION JACKSON or UNDER SIEGE, you don't really care that it's completely unoriginal. Plus our eel-man comes courtesy of FX master Stan Winston, and the screenplay's by David Webb Peoples (BLADE RUNNER, UNFORGIVEN, TWELVE MONKEYS), so clearly this isn't really catering to the least common denominator. And Weller is great.

Wearing a hot pink and blue trucker hat, he exudes layers of 'performance' (as an actor in the film, and pretending to be a 'tough as nails captain-type' for the benefit of his crew), and ends the film by punching a woman in the face. Only you can get away with that kinda thing, Pete. Four stars.

-Sean Gill