Film Review: CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE (1991, Rupert Harvey)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Angela Bassett, Brad Dourif, Anders Hove, Eric DaRe, Don Keith Opper, Barry Opper (writer and brother of Don Keith), Terrence Mann, Anne Ramsay.
Tag-lines: "In space, they love to hear you scream!"
Best one-liner(s): "Rick has got a bug up his butt. See. He's gone and discovered himself a magnetic space anomaly. And he's gotten stiff in the jock." (Now, imagine that being said by Brad Dourif, who's chewing gum and taking the part as seriously as everything he does, from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST to DEADWOOD.)

Space. The final frontier. Where movie series frequently go do die, or at least to get a little more decrepit. (JASON X, MUPPETS FROM SPACE, LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE, PINOCCHIO IN OUTER SPACE, etc.) But in the midst of a lot of general dislike for CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE, I'd like to offer a dissenting voice. I approached the film with trepidation upon seeing the poster. With a tagline like "In space, they love to hear you scream," and the fact that the poster art clearly previously depicted only three Critters and then the fourth seems to have been haphazardly inserted when somebody said 'Hey isn't this Critters FOUR?,' I feared the worst. I mean, really.


Quite unfortunately, this is not a scene from CRITTERS 4.

It's unlike the other installments in that Critter antics and mayhem take a back seat to other elements. But the other elements are damned good.

We got totally-crazed gum-chewing, ex-wife-joke wise-cracking Brad Dourif acting like he's in a film directed by Crispin Glover; Eric DaRae (Leo from TWIN PEAKS) playing basically Leo... in space!; Lars von Trier-alum Anders Hove in a flask-swigging, Kinski-esque mania, trying to outdo both Dourif and the Critters at chewing the scenery; Angela Bassett fooled into thinking she's in a serious STAR TREK drama; Don Keith Opper back as Charlie, the series' anchor; and the unexpected return of a fan favorite, now transformed into a villainous corporate sell-out. On a futuristic space station, the Critters don't have kitchens and fast-food restaurants to ransack, but they can still kill people and type like madmen on computer keyboards. The series began in space and it ends in space, so it lends an air of finality to the proceedings. It all adds up to a Mexican stand-off; a Critter frozen to death, shattered, and one-linered,

"Chill out.....asshole!"

and some head-scratching upbeat honkytonk music over the end credits. Four stars and a proper end to the CRITTERS films, though I certainly wouldn't say no to another.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT (1991, Kristine Peterson)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 86 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Leonardo DiCaprio, Frances Bay, Don Keith Opper, Barry Opper (writer and brother of Don Keith), Terrence Mann.
Tag-lines: "First they destroyed a farm. Then they terrorised a town. Now they're ready to do some real damage!"
Best one-liner(s): "I still don't know what the hell is going on here." – "Ain't no rats, you can be sure of that!"

It's CRITTERS meets THE TOWERING INFERNO. When all else fails, move the franchise to the big city: BABE 2: PIG IN THE CITY, FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN, LEPRECHAUN 5: LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD, THE MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK, GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH, CHILDREN OF THE CORN III: URBAN HARVEST, the list goes on. And if that fails, move it into SPACE. (More on that in a subsequent review).

I'm not gonna lie: CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT is a step down for the franchise, but not really for any particular reason other than "we made it all the way to CRITTERS 3." A jabbering, slavering Critter attached to a mop handle and getting smacked around every which way is still gold, it's just sort of lost its luster. Some of the magic's gone, and we're never gonna get it back, and that's part of growing up, it's part of life. Now, on to the film: I'll start with the bad. The child actors who haven't been nominated for three Oscars really suck. They do. And Ug (Terrence Mann), the fan-favorite bounty hunter, isn't around save for a cameo at the finale, tantalizing us to watch CRITTERS 4. Now, the good: Charlie (Don Keith Opper) is back in a big way, becoming to the CRITTERS series what Reggie the Ice Cream Man is to the PHANTASM films. There's Frances Bay (TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME, BLUE VELVET), the sweet old lady who always exudes depth and magical, alluring menace.

The Critters, as always, are up to no good: watching cooking shows, drinking dish soap to frantic MIDI music, eating baked beans, attacking bunny slippers, and throwing pies at each other. The people asked for Critter-related mayhem, and by gum, we got it.

Par for the course.

There's even bowling for Critters. And then there's Leo. Leo DiCaprio. He's a fine actor, even as a kid, and he uses his talents to emote lines such as "I...can't believe he's dead," and violently beat a Critter trapped in a towel while exclaiming "I hate you! I hate you!" He even gets shot in the neck by one of their spines.

Leo: "I...can't believe he's dead..."
Near the end, he gets to wear a pink and purple-striped wave t-shirt that is probably the most macabre thing in the movie.

The macabre tee-shirt.

Three stars. A must-see for CRITTERS fans and, as far as these things go, can you really expect anything more from a film entitled: CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT?

-Sean Gill

COMING SOON: A review of CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE.

Film Review: CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE (1988, Mick Garris)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Terrence Mann, Don Keith Opper, Sam Anderson, Eddie Deezen, David Twohy (writer of WATERWORLD and G.I. JANE), Eddie Deezen (LASERBLAST, MIDNIGHT MADNESS, GREASE, WARGAMES).
Tag-lines: "Get ready for seconds... they're back," "The most illegal aliens of all are back -- and they're hungrier than ever," ""Critters 1" got your blood pumping... This time they want more than a taste," and "It's Everyone's Turn For Seconds."
Best one-liner(s): "What is this bullshit? Them man-eating dust mops got us roped up tighter than a blue-ribbon bull and all you folks can do is stand here and play kick-the-can with some punk kid! "

CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE is a pretty solid flick, and the first feature from horror director Mick Garris. Not to deride the man, but this was probably his high-water mark (THE STAND? The 'Hand of God' in THE STAND?! THE SHINING remake!?!). Now it's difficult enough to make an 80's creature feature that isn't entirely terrible, and CRITTERS managed to pull that off; but it's a near-IMPOSSIBLE task to make a sequel worth its salt. But that's exactly what Garris has done here. He learned a lot from Steven Spielberg, story editing on AMAZING STORIES and documenting THE GOONIES and TEMPLE OF DOOM, and those lessons are certainly on display here (I believe they were lost by the time THE STAND rolled around).

Lean, mean, and with an awesome subtitle (THE MAIN COURSE), CRITTERS 2 delivers. And like another quadrilogy involving appalling, deadly orbs (the PHANTASM series), much of the success is dependent on the continuity and returning cast members from the first title. Action, suspense, character, and bizarre visuals are heaped on in B-movie portions, and it manages to have some elements that make the sequel a distinct entity (i.e., the notorious Playboy model- complete with staple- transformation, the ginormous rolling ball of a thousand critters). Toss in an excellent sympathetic performance from Sam Anderson (Bernard on TV's LOST), a cameo from 80's uber-nerd Eddie Deezen, extra points for getting a 'PG-13' on what I feel would be marked a hard 'R' by today's pansies, and you have a film that is basically as good as a film called CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE could possibly be.

-Sean Gill

COMING SOON: Reviews of CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT and CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE.

Also see: CRITTERS 1 Review.

Film Review: CRITTERS (1986, Stephen Herek)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 82 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Stephen Herek (director of BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, DON'T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD, THE MIGHTY DUCKS, MR. HOLLAND'S OPUS, and the upcoming DEAD LIKE ME movie), Dee Wallace Stone, M. Emmet Walsh, Billy Zane, Scott Grimes, Don Keith Opper, Terrence Mann (the latter three appear in CRITTERS sequels), the Chiodo Brothers (genius creators of the Critter creatures themselves, and auteurs of KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE!).
Tag-lines: "When you've got Critters... you need all the help you can get," "THEY BITE," and "They eat so fast, you don't have time to scream."
Best one-liner(s): "Dad's all torn up, and mom's got, like, a harpoon thing in her neck, and they're getting bigger!"

What was it about the climate of the 1980's that made tiny, smarmy, hungry, killer creatures resonate so deeply with audiences? I mean, there's the GREMLINS series, which arguably allowed the CRITTERS series to happen, which paved the way for the GHOULIES series, which basically opened the floodgates of lowered quality and we saw everything from MUNCHIES to HOBGOBLINS to FEEDERS. Is it backlash against family-friendly alien fare like E.T.? I could buy that theory. In a casting coup, they've employed Elliot's Mom in E.T., Dee Wallace Stone, as the mother here. There's even a scene where a critter confronts an E.T. plush toy and taunts it.

Or, perhaps, is it a continuation of punk aesthetics and attitude entering the creature feature?

In most of these films, the creatures have what constitutes spiked hair, act in an anarchistically crass manner, and derive quite a bit of fun from the wanton destruction. Sometimes they even rock out to some sweet 80's tunes as they do it.

Well, regardless of the theoretical angles, CRITTERS is a pretty solid illustration of the 80's creature feature. We got young Billy Zane and character actor par-excellence M. Emmet Walsh, we got interstellar bounty hunters for added flavor, characters in general that you care about slightly more than in the usual horror fare, creativity in creature design (the critters move in an uncanny, tumbleweed-esque manner), a small dose of hair metal just to even things out, and then some big explosions at the end just for the hell of it. Four stars of deadly yammering furball fun.

-Sean Gill

COMING SOON: Reviews of CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE and CRITTERS 3: YOU ARE WHAT THEY EAT.