GIANT OSCAR MESS: Best Dance of Seduction

In my continuing coverage of GIANT OSCAR MESS (best described HERE), I present to you the nominees for BEST DANCE OF SEDUCTION IN A MOTION PICTURE.

And the winners were...

....Deborah Reed and David McConnell in TROLL 2, for obvious reasons.

(to be continued...)

Film Review: MORTUARY ACADEMY (1988, Michael Schroeder)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Tag-line: "Where the dearly departed meet the clearly retarded."
Notable Cast or Crew: Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov, Christopher Atkins, Perry Lang, Anthony James, Tracey Walter, Wolfman Jack, Cesar Romero, Stoney Jackson (STREETS OF FIRE, ROLLER BOOGIE). Directed by Michael Schroeder (CYBORG 2, CYBORG 3: THE RECYCLER; assistant director on LAMBADA, HIGHLANDER 2!).
Best one-liner: "I haven't seen this much blood since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be his cell-block bride!"

Now, MORTUARY ACADEMY is nowhere near as terrific as EATING RAOUL, but it comes far closer than I ever could have suspected. I had been extremely disappointed by LUST IN THE DUST (which Paul Bartel directed, but didn't write), so I didn't know what to expect from a largely derided film (that he wrote but didn't direct), but as it turns out, my reservations were completely unfounded. This movie is ludicrous, and it works because it serves, straight up, a big dollop of what we really want- which is a shitload of Paul and Mary (Woronov).


Like a bizarro Tracy and Hepburn for 70's and 80's, my only complaints about any of their collaborations center on them not being the absolute center of attention. But worry not- they're front and center here. Using tropes from the likes of POLICE ACADEMY and MOVING VIOLATIONS, this film is far from original, but its brilliance lies in the details- the best jokes are nearly hidden: dubbed in the background or off-handedly tossed aside, only to sink in a moment later. Paul and Mary play 'Paul' and 'Mary,' nefarious administrators of a mortuary academy, scheming to keep sibling heirs Christopher Atkins (THE PIRATE MOVIE) and Perry Lang (ALLIGATOR) from passing their classes and inheriting the mortuary (was SIX FEET UNDER inspired by this?).

Christopher Atkins- still fresh-faced and full of vim and vigor despite the embarrassments of THE PIRATE MOVIE. I really respect that.


Paul nefariously consoles Perry Lang.

Paul wears that smoking jacket he wears in every movie, and Mary wears enough shoulder pads and leopard-print to satisfy her die-hards.

Formaldehyde is used as champagne, Paul romances a corpse:


I can't tell if Paul Bartel makes this more creepy or less creepy than it ought to be.

an ex-con (an awesomely terrifying Anthony James- 'Skinny' in UNFORGIVEN) exclaims "I haven't seen this much blood since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be his cell-block bride!"

and Tracey Walter (REPO MAN, SOMETHING WILD) strides in just to prove beyond reasonable doubt that this is, indeed, a cult movie.

(And he's doing Frankenstein-ian experiments in robotics and dead tissue, no less.) There's cameos by Wolfman Jack and Cesar Romero, an undead, animatronic horror band called "Radio Werewolf," and by now you should be able to tell if this is your cup of tea or not.

For a movie which I expected to be Zany with a capital 'Z' and (fastforward-ably?) unbearable, I was very pleasantly surprised. I suppose I shouldn't have underestimated the sheer animal power of Bartel and Woronov. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982, Ken Annakin)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 99 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins (QUIGLEY), Ted Hamilton, William S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan (kind of).
Tag-lines: " Buckle Your Swash and Jolly Your Roger for the Funniest Rock 'N Rollickin' Adventure Ever!"
Best one-liner(s): (sung) "Man, I'm older than the Beatles, but I'm younger than the Rolling Stones!"

One could certainly go the lowbrow route in assembling their thoughts on THE PIRATE MOVIE. I will concede that the "Pumpin' and Blowin" sequence is one of the most outrageous, inappropriate, and unexpected sequences in the history of the movie musical, but there's a lot of surprising facets to consider in the gem that is THE PIRATE MOVIE.

If cinema itself is an ouroboros (the snake eating its own tail), THE PIRATE MOVIE provides us with one of the more fascinating examples. Let me explain: the director, Ken Annakin, created some of the original swashbucklers that inspired George Lucas to pursue filmmaking. As one of his heroes, Lucas even named a character after Annakin- Anakin Skywalker. Fastforward to 1982, when Annakin inserts one of the most abrupt and hamfisted parody jokes ever to appear on celluloid when in the midst of a pirate duel, a lightsaber shows up.

Ehhhh. Hence, the ouroboros. Possibly more than any other, this movie is akin to one enormous non-sequitur. Trying to pin it down is pointless. Hey, it's a kid's movie. No, it isn't, it's ridiculously dirty with vaguely stomach-turning innuendo. Maybe it's an adaptation of "The Pirates of Penzance." Wait, why are they making overt, unfunny allusions to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "The Rolling Stones?"


Hey, could it be a summer blockbuster trying to cash in on the success of the surprisingly charming and living-up-to-the-hype Kristy McNichol and the completely worthless and embarrassing Christopher Atkins?

No, it bombed terribly.

Well, I don't suppose it matters. And keep your ears peeled for the sonic sensation "We are the Pirates," and look out for producer Ted Hamilton, acting as the "Pirate King," in a performance that recalls both Sir Richard Burton and Captain Manzini from THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS.

I am so perplexed I must award you five stars. You may resume pumpin' and blowin', ya dirty sea dogs.


-Sean Gill