"The Forbidden Labyrinth: On THE NAME OF THE ROSE as a Video Game" in Epiphany

My latest essay––about the 1987 Spanish video game adaptation of Umberto Eco's The Name of the Rose (Paco Menéndez and Juan Delcan's The Abbey of Crime)––has been published by Epiphany: A Literary Journal as a part of my "Lurid Esoterica" series.

Film Review: STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY (1991, Nicholas Meyer)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 113 minutes.

Tag-line: "The battle for peace has begun."

Notable Cast or Crew: William Shatner, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Nichelle Nichols, Walter Koenig, David Warner (TITANIC, TRON, TIME BANDITS), Kim Cattrall (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, POLICE ACADEMY), Mark Lenard (STAR TREK III, STAR TREK IV), Grace Lee Whitney ("Janice" from the original STAR TREK series), Brock Peters (TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, SOYLENT GREEN), Kurtwood Smith (THAT '70S SHOW, ROBOCOP), Christopher Plummer (THE SOUND OF MUSIC, STARCRASH), Christian Slater (KUFFS, TRUE ROMANCE), Iman (David Bowie's wife, HOUSE PARTY 2), Rene Auberjonois (MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE, EYES OF LAURA MARS).

Best One-liner:  "To be... OR NOT TO BE!"

STAR TREK VI is the only film in the series that I saw on the big screen, and I hadn't yet seen it again in the intervening twenty-three years... until now.  And it's good!  It's very good.  It's more of a murder mystery/political thriller than a sci-fi film, and timely, too (for 1991), given that its about the ensuing mistrust between two (Cold) warring cultures as they draw back the Iron Curtain and see what happens.

I remember thinking the movie was pretty solid but had no memory as to why, except for a vague remembrance of Captain Kirk being on an ice planet and kicking an alien in the knees, only to discover he'd kicked it in its (alien) nuts.



Now that's the sort of artistic expression worth remembering!


So here are my Fourteen Favorite Things about STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY that I did not fully appreciate as a kid:

#14.  Captain Sulu (George Takei).  He finally got that promotion!

This leads to some great moments where his new ship can team up with the Enterprise and he and Kirk can take turns screaming "Fire!" as they zap the bad guys with space lasers.  Unfortunately, they're on different ships, though, so they can't high-five afterward.

#13.  Janice is back!

Janice Rand (Grace Lee Whitney)– star of many TREK episodes from the original series, best known for her occasional near-romances with Kirk and her bitchin' beehive hairdo– shows up on Sulu's crew.  It's been a while, Janice, good to see ya!  Who else do they have room for on that zany crew?

#12.  ...Yes, who do they have whose job it is to wake up Sulu in the middle of the night and give him somewhat unnecessary status reports?  Who could it be...?

 Why, Christian Slater, of course!
 
 Slater, veiled in shadow, in a failed attempt to diminish The Slater Factor.

This, naturally, has nothing to do with the fact that the casting director was his mother, and everything to do with his claim that his Jack Nicholson-style arched eyebrows were the ill-fated result of shaving them to be Spock for Halloween once.

 #11.  Legendary character actor Kurtwood Smith as the "President of the Federation"

complete with wicked Fu Manchu mustache and Wild West sunglasses.  Wait, WHAT?!

#10.  The return of David Warner.  Here, he plays the actual Klingon ambassador, instead of a human associate of the Klingon ambassador, like in Part V.  Weird.
 
But I can always use some Warner, especially when his acting talents are put to use, lending pathos to a leader of a belligerent race of aliens.  Also, that is an incredible jacket you've got on there, David.  Who got to keep that thing when filming wrapped?  Somewhere, is David Warner at home, lounging in that jacket, listening to– I don't know– an Iron Maiden album?  Inquiring minds want to know.
 
Anyway, he gives a great toast with Romulan Ale (not to be confused with blue Kool-Aid) where he quotes Shakespeare ("...the undiscover'd country") and then insists that "You haven't experienced Shakespeare until you have read it in the original Klingon," a humorous line that prompted a thousand nerds to pull out their Klingon-English dictionaries and almost causes a Shatner spit-take.
 
Nobody claims false ownership of the Bard on the Shat's watch!

#9.  Spock's rockin' bachelor pad.

Sure, he doesn't really put it to use, but this is truly a Spock for the 90s, lounging around in a luxurious robe and surrounded by altogether too many candles and silken sheets.  (I'm sure it serves some Vulcan meditative purpose.)  All we need is some sexy saxophone and a 90s babe, like Demi Moore or Madonna or Sharon Stone or Kim Cattrall...

#8. Kim Cattrall?

Well-played, STAR TREK VI.  I like what you've done there, with the Spock-ears and the haircut and the futuristic headband.  And all nerdery aside, she does a pretty good job!

#7.  Poor McCoy (DeForest Kelley).  He gets put through a lot in this movie.  All he ever wanted was a drink.  And not just blue Kool-Aid.

I go back and forth on my favorite STAR TREK characters, but I think the good Doctor might be my favorite, with his curious blend of indefatigable humanism and curmudgeonly fatalism.  Age has only made him more of a badass– and more of a terrific crab. 

#6.  The hilarious globules of purple CGI Klingon blood as the delegation is murdered by the guys from Daft Punk.


This shoulda been in 3-D!

#5.  Sherlock Holmes.

STAR TREK VI being a bit of a murder mystery, the game is soon afoot and Spock takes over, putting on his theoretical deerstalker cap– and even insinuating that the original Holmes is a distant ancestor! 

This is the doing of director/writer Nicholas Meyer, Holmes aficionado and author of three Holmes novels (THE SEVEN-PER-CENT SOLUTION, THE WEST END HORROR, and THE CANARY TRAINER), all of which transcend the trappings of fan-fiction, becoming labyrinthine literary pastiches that are genuinely great novels in their own right.  Good show.


#4.  Shapeshiftin', cigar-chompin' Iman!
 
High fashion model, David Bowie missus, and cosmetics tycoon Iman shows up on a Klingon Ice Prison-planet as a cell mate of Doctor McCoy and the good Captain Kirk.  It's not long before the latter works his charms on her:

She always did go for those those Major Tom-types.

Although I wish she'd waited to make out with The Shat till she had transformed into him, as depicted in the following, well-acted screen grabs:


I think a Shat-on-Shat makeout 'sesh would have been more to his (ego's) liking, and it might've really pushed this movie over the edge.  A bit of a missed opportunity, there.


#3.  And seriously, when are they going to put seat belts on the Enterprise?

WHOAAA

One errant laser and everybody's flying around willy-nilly.  The Bureau of Worker's Comp at Federation Headquarters must have their hands full.


#2.  Shakespeare slummer Christopher Plummer!

Spoilers to follow:

The final space battle is a three-way between George Takei, The Shat, and powermad Klingon-in-pursuit-of-an-acting-paycheck, Christopher Plummer.  What follows is the most insane and spectacular use of Shakespeare quotes as one-liners since Vincent Price in HIS KIND OF WOMAN or THEATER OF BLOOD.

 
 
 It's absolutely bananas, and I love it beyond words.  Of course they save the best for last:
 
 "TO BE...

 "...OR NOT..."


"...TO BE?"

FOOOOSH


#1.  Because of course it all ends with a slow clap, like in ROCKY IV.  (I feel like I mention ROCKY IV at least once in every review.)  I believe that the slow clap has become the only way to resolve a movie about Cold Wars or diplomatic détante.

 This is truly the 'It's a Small World' of the Star Trek universe.


The Klingons are clearly half-assing their slow clap.


Conversely, those dudes on the far right are kind of overdoing it.

Who the hell are these guys?  Aliens?  Humans with cargo net mesh draped over their hockey masks?

Don't stop clapping.  Don't ever stop. 


In closing, this is a fine send-off for the original cast, and one of the better films in the series.  Four stars.

–Sean Gill


P.S.– I also see that this is the 1,000th post here at Junta Juleil.  I wish I could've done a Carpy or a Bronson or a Van Damme review, but these things just sneak up on you, I guess.  Thanks to all of my readers who have stuck around!

Only now does it occur to me... BULLET TO THE HEAD

Only now does it occur to me...  that I would ever witness the following tableau:  A drugged-out, minor henchman played by Christian Slater (in a fox mask), partying at a low-rent version of EYES WIDE SHUT's creepy ball 

is stalked into the bathroom by a sheet-music-mask-wearing, revenge-seeking Stallone

and abducted at knifepoint whilst mid-whiz

as Stallone uses the one-liner:  "Grip it and zip it, party boy!"

As to the film: though it's a mean, semi-lean action picture by the legendary Walter Hill, it's not quite as good as I wanted it to be, despite the meaty acting stylings of Mr. Stallone and the extended-cameo-appearance by The Slater Factor.  Carry on.

The Slater Factor in the News Cycle

Longtime readers of this site will know that I am an enthusiast of the phenomenon known as The Slater Factor.  Imagine my surprise when I learned that he's been making headlines today due to the fact that his vote was rejected in Florida do to signature issues and his name was misconstrued as "Christina Slater."

Note that he toned down the eyebrows a little for his pose with the President.

Also, Christian Slater is going to be in a Lars von Trier film?!

Only now does it occur to me... TRUE ROMANCE

Only now does it occur to me... that there must be some odd, spiritual connection between Junta Juleil all-time Hall-O-Famers Kurt Russell ...and Christian Slater.  Let us revisit the oft-forgotten coda of the Tony Scott/Quentin Tarantino cult classic TRUE ROMANCE:














So we got The Slater Factor here, looking a lot like Kurt Russell's iconic Captain Ron, eye patch and Hawaiian shirt and all.  That's enough to warm my heart, sure, but it's not particularly unusual, particularly for 1993, a year that was veritably rife with Hawaiian shirts and zany, ocean-themed antics.  But wait– Slater's character Clarence is pictured here with his son Elvis, so named because of his Elvis obsession which permeates the film.  Now, let's take a trip back in time to 1963 when a 10-year old Kurt Russell made an on-screen appearance with the real-life Elvis in IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD'S FAIR, where he was permitted to kick Elvis in the shins.  Later, in 1979, in John Carpenter's ELVIS, Kurt received the opportunity to play "The King" himself.  Even later, Kurt Russell would cross paths with a Quentin Tarantino script as well, appearing as the memorable Stuntman Mike in DEATH PROOF.  But before then, Kurt Russell and Christian Slater teamed up in the Elvis impersonator-centric heist movie 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND.  What does it all mean?  I don't think that I can venture a guess.  Yours is as good as mine.   I suppose all that I know is that the paths and destinies of Christian Slater, Kurt Russell, and Elvis are somehow, mysteriously, and incontrovertibly intertwined, and I'm more than okay with that.

...Annnnnnd I'm going to go to bed now.

Film Review: TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE- THE MOVIE (1990, John Harrison)

Stars: 4.2 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Debbie Harry (VIDEODROME, "Blondie"), Matthew Lawrence (BOY MEETS WORLD, MRS. DOUBTFIRE), Christian Slater (HEATHERS, GLEAMING THE CUBE), Steve Buscemi (MYSTERY TRAIN, RESERVOIR DOGS), Julianne Moore (SAFE, PSYCHO '00), William Hickey (ONE CRAZY SUMMER, PRIZZI'S HONOR), David Johansen ("The New York Dolls," SCROOGED, 200 CIGARETTES), James Remar (THE WARRIORS, RENT-A-COP), Rae Dawn Chong (COMMANDO, CHAINDANCE), Mark Margolis (THE WRESTLER, THE COTTON CLUB). Cinematography by Robert Draper (HALLOWEEN 5, DR. GIGGLES). Screenplay amalgamated from work by George A. Romero, Stephen King, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Michael McDowell (BEETLEJUICE, THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS). Special makeup effects by Howard Berger, Greg Nicotero, and Robert Kurtzman. Visual effects supervised by Ernest D. Farino (THE THING, THE ABYSS, THE TERMINATOR).
Tag-line: "Brace yourself for some KILLER stories."
Best one-liner: "I've never blown a hit yet, kitty cat."

Well, my anthology horror series has given me an excuse to take this lofty tome off the shelf, dust it off, and flip through its brittle, musty pages once more.

Considered by many, including Tom Savini, to be the real CREEPSHOW 3, it features stories from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Stephen King, and ancient Japanese folklore adapted by the likes of Michael McDowell and George A. Romero. Its director, John Harrison, did the electrifyingly spooky score for the first CREEPSHOW, and the crew features many series regulars. Additionally, many of the cast (i.e., Christian Slater and Debbie Harry) were alumni from the TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE TV show.

Divided into three segments, each part has a thoroughly distinctive feel. "Lot 249," a tale of mummies and revenge, has the visual consistency of an old Republic serial with post-RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK production value. "The Cat from Hell" sees a hitman going after a cursed black cat, has a very Vittorio Storaro-esque texture, and becomes very theatrical, not unlike the "Father's Day" segment from CREEPSHOW:

"Lover's Vow," which sees a struggling artist make a pact with a monster to avoid evisceration, feels most like it's embracing a contemporary style, and it features a thick, 'desolate yet metropolitan' atmosphere. The wraparound story is basically "Hansel & Gretel" meets "Scheherazade" in suburbia. With Debbie Harry.

So, while giving away as little as possible, I shall thumb through the veritable reams of these darkened pages- TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE features immeasurable insights into a number of scholarly disciplines. Prepare to have some thoughts provoked:

The Wrap-around Segment:

PHILOSOPHY: Is Debbie Harry a good actress? I don't know. Can we say for sure? ...Should we say for sure?

How about this: if a radio is playing "Rapture" in the woods and no one's around to hear it, does it still have that schweet rap part?

No wait– I'm sorry I said that, Blondie. Er, I mean, Debbie Harry. Yes, I know Blondie is the name of the band, not you. Sorry.


Lot 249:

ZOOLOGY: TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE affords us an outstanding glimpse of the Slater Factor in its natural habitat. Not until KUFFS in '92 would we see it quite this unrestrained. Look at the following images. Rarely has the Slater Factor been captured with such gleeful, manic precision. And rarely has it been captured holding such a wicked electric knife.





SOCIOLOGY: How is it possible that I'm always rooting for the proletariat... unless the ruling class is Slater?

Look at that sweater. We should hate him. But the eyebrow has won us over. An important lesson. Conversely, Robert Sedgwick and Julianne Moore, in their respective squash court and aerobics attire, garner no such sympathy.

Smart-alecky-ness vs. pomposity. An age-old struggle, and one which is always won by the smart-alecks.

ARCHAEOLOGY: Julianne Moore handles an actual Zuni fetish doll, in an in-joke directed at TRILOGY OF TERROR's (historically inaccurate) bundle of teeth.

Though I must admit, a small, polished stone carving of an animal is infinitely less fun than a 'YAAAAAH YAH YAH NUMMM NUM' yammering little fellow with a predilection for edged weapons.

PHYSICS: Can three heads occupy the space intended for two heads?

This case study shows that it is, in fact, possible.

LINGUISTICS: Why does uttering the ancient hieroglyphic curse in English cause the mummy to awaken?... More importantly, who cares!

Young Buscemi utters the malediction.

The Cat From Hell:

GERIATRICS: Is it possible for a human being to have never been young? I swear that William Hickey was like eighty years old for a span of about forty years.

"Bring me its tail, so I can throw it in the fire and watch it burn!"

And it's always the greatest actors, like Harry Dean Stanton, Walter Huston, Walter Brennan ...I could go on. Unless somebody can provide me with evidence to the contrary, I'll have to assume that Hickey sprung forth from the womb as an oldster–

I stand corrected. Though he kinda looks the same, even then (the 1960's).

MUSIC THEORY: Who'd have thought that one day we'd see New York Doll member-turned-Buster Poindexter songster David Johansen stalking a cat with a laser-sighted gun in a suspenseful horror anthology? Not I.


And who'd have thought that he would have such a subtle, classy Dirk Bogardish quality to his acting? Or that he could pull off the whole 'internal monologue externalized' thing like a true professional?

According to Harrison and Romero, Johansen and Hickey drained a great deal of gin in their down-time and held the cast and crew rapt with their constant banter and ridiculous anecdotes. Ah, to have been a fly on the wall on the set of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE...

Lover's Vow:

ART HISTORY: Balsa wood artists are an angst-driven bunch. Theirs is a fleeting art, one that can be easily smashed in fits of impassioned fury.

To be fair, we see him work with different media, but our first glimpse of him is as he's smashing a balsa construction that looks culled from an 'Odyssey of the Mind' competition.

This is easily the most dramatic segment, as nearly every omnibus requires a straight-up tragedy. And James Remar, one of my faves, has been cast against (villainous) type as a sensitive artiste. I like it. Hell, I'm always rooting for him anyway. [See also: The Slater Factor.]

HISTORY HISTORY: Speaking of factors, the RDC factor is pretty high, too, and it's occasionally wearing a fringe hippie jacket. For the uninitiated, that's the Rae Dawn Chong factor. She was comin' into the home stretch of a pretty mindblowing run of films from '81 to '91. We're talkin' QUEST FOR FIRE, BEAT STREET, Ferrara's FEAR CITY, CHOOSE ME, AMERICAN FLYERS, COMMANDO, THE COLOR PURPLE, SOUL MAN, THE SQUEEZE, THE PRINCIPAL, and Ironside's CHAINDANCE.

This was one of her great last hurrahs, and I can't decide if seeing her romantically paired with James Remar makes me happy or uncomfortable.

CRYPTOZOOLOGY: The monster is great. A detailed latex n' rubber construction, you can only shudder to think of how they'd handle it today, maybe with a CGI creature that resembles DRAGONHEART or something. At best.


ALTERNATE UNIVERSE-OLOGY: A glimpse of James Remar in an eyepatch reveals what it would have been like had Walter Hill directed ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK.


In the end, one of the stronger horror anthology films. Not as good as the original CREEPSHOW, but it's leaps and bounds above CREEPSHOW 2. There's not a weak segment or a groan-inducing moment in the bunch, and that's the highest of compliments for an omnibus film. A little over four stars.