Commercial Review: CHARLES BRONSON'S MANDOM: 6 (197?, Nobuhiko Obayashi)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 2 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson.

Prepare yourselves- we're nearing the mother lode. Fugue state. Disassociation from reality itself is forthcoming. If you need to catch up, here are Bronson's Mandom ads 1-3, and here are installments 4-5. But let's not beat around the bush- onto #6:



Alright. Let's do the blow by blow and attempt to derive some meaning from this rich document. A man plays the piano in a well-furnished lounge. Is his name 'Sam?' I don't know. It certainly could be. He's twinkling the ivories in a rather swank rendition of the classic 'Mandom' theme.

By this point we should need no prompting, we should already be internally reciting, "All the world/Loves a lover..."

The camera wraps around to reveal: Bronson.


The camera zooms out, tracks a little, then zooms in again once more. Obayashi loved his camera movement. And if ever there was a moment where the camera itself had to be stationary, he'd make sure he was adjusting the shit out of his focal length in a majestic ZOOM.

It's one of those slow nights where Bronson has nothing special planned besides staring at the house piano player at club near his home that he likes to frequent on his evenings off. Now, it bears mentioning that Bronson possibly had no concept of same-sex attraction, as outlined here. So while he may have no idea that he's doin' it, Bronson- in Obayashi's universe- is definitely cruisin'. I wouldn't be surprised if Obayashi had told Bronson to pretend he was looking at Jill Ireland. "All the world loves a lover..." mutters Bronson in his internal monologue. "All the world loves...Mandom." The lens then irises out, inviting us to imagine what sorts of acts were just performed in the hotel's bath-room. We respectfully decline the invitation.

We're back with a snap! Newly invigorated, Bronson heads home, stopping to exchange pleasantries with his favorite, giggling doorman. "Good night, Sam."

"Thank you, Mr. Bronson," replies the sickening doorman. This exchange is important for two reasons: #1. It reveals that Bronson's 'Mandom' character has never been a character at all- it's always been straight-up, unadulterated Bronson. And #2. The name of this establishment becomes visible in the background- "Pandora Club." Perhaps there is some greater, mystical meaning here– "The Pandora Club." A place where forbidden desires can be unleashed upon the world, spun open like the cap on a Mandom bottle. A place where dreams (and nightmares) come true. A place where there's hope at the bottom.

"Good Night, Mr. Bronson. Sleep tight!" "Thank you, Sam," replies Bronson. It's an in-joke. They both know that Bronson's not going to sleep– he's got a hot nightcap lined up with his extensive Mandom collection. Bronson's car speeds home along the slick asphalt that bears the dampness of recent rain.

A silhouette at the door–

The lights pop on with a click–

Thank God– Bronson. He grabs his pipe and whips off his shirt with genuine urgency. He playfully takes a few steps back, then whips the shirt toward the heavens at such a velocity that it breaks free of the Earth's gravity and spirals into the void of space.

But pay no attention to the Herculean acts of strength- it's Mandom time. Like extracting a fine cask of Amantillado from one's wine-cellar, Bronson chooses the right Mandom for the right occasion. No time like the present.

Gin-flavor is a fine choice. But then again, they're all sort of gin-flavored.

He spins the cap and flings it away with élan. Anyone who's ever held a bottle of Mandom realizes that it was designed for this express purpose. Of course you have to go back later, find the cap, and put it back on, but it's totally worth it. Kinda like when you pull the cork out of a bottle with your teeth and *Pfft-too* spit it out and get straight to drinkin'– though you know full well you'll have to find it later, dust it off, and reinsert it. Livin' in the moment. That's what Bronson and Mandom are all about. I guess I also forgot to mention that this is accompanied by a veritable mélange of gunshot and ricochet sound effects.

Bronson starts splashin' the stuff all over his nude upper body and the gunshots intensify to the point where one might call it "a cacophony of gunblasts."

He dashes and splashes– and we see crossfaded imagery of Bronson in mountain man attire- fringe jacket and everything– actually firing the shots that we're hearing.


When Bronson showers his back with Mandom's fragrant elixir, we see Mountain Man-Bronson-id contorting his back to fire accordingly.


It's hard to say if Bronson is remembering via the Mandom (like Proust with his madeleine) back to a time when he wore a fringe jacket and shot a bunch of dudes, or if he's actually having an out-of-body experience. Horses neigh! The Mandom has freed Bronson's id from its primitive, sinewy constraints and released it into a world– a domain- where a man can be a Man. A MAN-DOM, if you will.

Inside the man, there is another man.


Bronson sees himself, riding off into a Southwestern sunset through a rotating, transparent cap on a Mandom bottle. What a strange and wonderful trip!

Bronson touches his face. It's as if he's touching it for the very first time.

And he is. He has been reborn. Baptized by the sweet flowing waters of the Mandom. Like a spiritual bath in the old lilac-gin. The camera tracks straight ahead through Bronson's apartment, zooming out at the end (á la Hitchcock in VERTIGO and later Spielberg in JAWS) to create a disorienting redefinition of depth. A new perspective on life.

And so it ends. It's hard to say if it's merely a commercial or possibly a call to arms? The resounding trumpet-call for a new religion? A new way of living? Would their Lord's Prayer begin with a somber recitation of "All the world loves a lover, all the world loves Mandom?" Is Bronson the deity in this new denomination, or is the little Greek statue guy on the Mandom bottle? Where does Eastwood fit into this? Is he an antagonistic force, á la the Bronson vs. Eastwood rivalry?

There are a lot of unanswered questions here, and perhaps they're best left for another time. Who knew such mystical riches were resting within the golden confines of the Mandom bottle?

Five stars.

To be continued...

-Sean Gill

Commercial Review: CHARLES BRONSON'S MANDOM: 4-5 (197?, Nobuhiko Obayashi)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 30 seconds each.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson.

Well, to continue where I left off, I shall tackle for you all today the fourth and fifth installments of Mr. Bronson's Mandom hucksterage. I promised a progressive, exponential detachment from reality, and by God I am going to make good on that promise. Let's begin with episode 4:

EPISODE 4:

WHOOSH- SPLITTT!!

Things get started off with a bang as Mr. Bronson cleaves a piece of firewood in two with an axe. Obayashi realizes what a lot of people don't– you don't need to bother with an establishing shot, a set-up, or any of those cumbersome cinematic traditions. When a director yells, "Action!," he means "start doing something IMMEDIATELY!"

"All the world/ Loves a lover..." Bronson continues to split the logs, and a few bottles of Mandom are revealed to be carefully arranged upon the stump that Bronson was using.

The purpose is twofold– it shows that Bronson always keeps some Mandom close at hand. And it shows Bronson to be an exceptionally skilled wood chopper- he can slice and cube and mince logs of wood in between the precious vials- all without damaging the liquid gold that is Mandom. He's sort of careless with his prize possession, but that in and of itself is impressive because he's so dexterous– like a dude who could juggle his Fabergé eggs... and juggle them well.

Then- a series of perplexing images: A helicopter. Bronson watches. Then, the helicopter is chasing a man on horseback (or vice-versa?). Then Bronson chasing a riderless horse. Then, Bronson leaping through the air (as he did through the sand dunes in Episode 2). Then, Bronson admiring himself in the rearview mirror of a helicopter. "Mmm....Mandom," says Bronson- which is accompanied by the still image of a football player.

Hold on a second- let me see if I can explain. Now, Obayashi only had thirty seconds to weave his narrative, and admittedly that is a pretty gargantuan constraint, especially when you've got Bronson and you want to use him to his full potential. But what just happened? Here's what I think: Bronson was chopping wood, when he espied a runaway, pilotless helicopter.

This was not particularly worrisome to Bronson, but he leapt into action, nonetheless. He was riding a horse, chasing the helicopter.

Then he was moving so fast that he created a temporal time warp– he was both on the horse and not on the horse at the same time. (See Schrödinger's Cat?)


Bronson teleports from horse to copter, possibly perpetrating the rip in the space-time continum which made HAUSU and DEATH WISH 3 possible.

He leapt up, and casually landed in the pilot's seat of the helicopter, guiding it to safety- pausing only to look at himself in the rearview mirror and to admire the schweet shades which apparently accompanied him on his interdimensional travels. Then I guess he went to a football game?

Now watch it again with this imposed narrative, and it makes total sense! Maybe I'll have to take back what I said about these things becoming progressively illogical.

EPISODE 5:

Episode 5. Episode 5 is all about father and son time, but the lyrics are still all about lovers, so who really knows. We begin, like always, in media res, with Bronson arm-wrestling a young man who may or may not be his son, on the hood of a vintage Rolls-Royce convertible (?).

This commercial combines my two favorite things: Charles Bronson and arm-wrestling.

Perhaps it's part of an experimental Big-Brother program where namby-pamby thirtysomethings get Bronson to be their dad for a day. Remaining true to the product line, I shall henceforth refer to him as Man-Son. Bronson is winning. "Big Father," the subtitles remark.

Bronson slams the middle-aged kid's wrist on the well-waxed hood, and gives Man-Son his consolation prize- a fatherly slap on the face.

A woman sings: "All the world....loves a lover...all the girls..." Bronson and Man-Son leisurely saunter about the countryside. They pause near a brook for a hearty bout of slap-fighting.

The simple, rustic joys of slap-fighting.

See, the kid is learning a lot already. Back at the car: Bronson unscrews a bottle of Mandom and sniffs it deeply, leaning back to apply it to Man-Son's wrists.


They both lavishly splash and wipe the Mandom all over their faces, basking in the manly fragrance...

Now you are a Man, Man-Son. You can drop the hyphen and the 'Son' part.

The commercial comes to a close with Bronson and the newly-minted 'Man' driving down that asphalt ribbon of adventure to an unknown destination- who knows what the future will hold?

To quote Timbuk 3, "the future's so bright- I gotta wear shades."

To be continued...


-Sean Gill

Commericial Review: CHARLES BRONSON'S MANDOM 1-3 (197?, Nobuhiko Obayashi)

Stars: 4.1 of 5.
Running Time: 30 seconds each.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson.

Now, in the past I have devoted my attentions to Charles Bronson as well as Nobuhiko 'HAUSU' Obayashi (nicknamed 'OB' by Bronson), but this will mark the first time that I've been able to discuss these two titans in the context of genuine collaboration. The Mandom Corporation has, in various forms since 1927, distributed perfume, shaving accessories, hair products, deodorants, and the like. I can't get an exact date on these Bronson commercials, but my extensive knowledge of Bronson's evolving appearance leads me to estimate that all eight (yes, eight!) spots were filmed between 1970 and 1973. Of course, I could be wrong. Today, I'll be discussing the first three of these commercials. They may be some of the tamer entries, but they lay the groundwork for the inspired insanity that was to come. Without further ado–

COMMERCIAL #1:


Bronson sits before a campfire, deep in thought. He takes a long, deep, well-earned sip from his tin cowboy cup.

Before you know it, he's playing the Mandom theme on his harmonica- just as he played Ennio Morricone's 'Man with a Harmonica' theme for his role in the international sensation ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST a few years prior.

(Obayashi's love for all things Leone and Morricone finds concrete articulation in HAUSU.) The announcer inhales deeply, smelling Bronson in utter, manly satisfaction. We're then entreated to a lineup of Mandom's "Who's Who" line.

There you have it. Pretty straightforward, but every series has got to start somewhere.

COMMERCIAL #2:


We begin with a landscape and a zoom that could be straight out of CHATO'S LAND.

A cheerful drum break lets us know right off the bat that episode 2 is not aiming to fuck around. A voice sings: "All the world/ loves a lover/ All the girls/ and every Mannnn....domm." Bronson's on a horse– then he's leaping down a sand dune-


the world is truly his oyster, and it's all thanks to his liberal use of Mandom. Hey, Jill Ireland seems to like it just fine.

He dips his hat in the cool, thirst-quenching waters of an oasis, brings it to his lips as if to take a drink, then–


– it's a ruse!–

–He only wanted to bathe his face in this fragrant, virile liquid- which may or may not be a bottomless desert spring of... Mandom.

The announcer then unveils the new line of Mandom products and Bronson mimics his voice– "Mmmmm. Mandom."

COMMERCIAL #3:


Next, we have Chuck looking like he just strolled off the set of MR. MAJESTYK. There's a great hook to this one- Bronson fishing. Except Bronson doesn't fish with a pole, or bait, or a tacklebox, or even a fishing buddy. Those things just delay the sweet, impending union between meaty hand and juicy fish.



Yes, Bronson plucks fish from the sea like Poseidon himself. A bear of a man if there ever was one. Next, he's cookin' it.

With disdain, I might add.

When I think of all the things I'd like to smell like, seafood and campfires are always near the top of the list. I guess I'm the target audience here.

Suddenly, he's playing cards. Who's he playing cards against?

Four Mandom bottles which he has carefully arranged on his saddle. No joke. Apparently Bronson is winning, because he proceeds to humiliate the Mandom bottles though a series of unlikely, irreverent events.

He flings the Ace of Spades and it perfectly sandwiches itself between Mandom bottle and saddle.

He tosses another, which does a little curly-cue thing and lodges itself underneath the second bottle. (The third bottle magically has a card beneath it now, as well- I guess it got cut for time.)

Who knew that, A., Bronson had super-powers that appear to be culled from an old Three Stooges skit or, B., that Bronson would be so blasé, so modest with said super-powers? Some people whittle wood, some people do the crossword... Bronson telekinetically alters the trajectories of lightweight objects in three-dimensional space.

For the coup de grâce, he lobs one last card, which lands on its edge and commences twirling atop a Mandom bottle, accompanied by a loopy blast of Atari-era sci-fi sound effects.

Bronson then quickly gazes indifferently into the distance, as that is simply the most boring thing he has ever seen, and he can't abide looking at it for one second longer.

"Mmmmm.... Mandom." (Incidentally, this look into the distance is actually recycled footage from the end of the first installment.)

Stay tuned for installments 4-8, which become progressively and exponentially disconnected from reality...

-Sean Gill

EDIT: The series is followed-up HERE.