R.I.P., Billy Drago

I was very sorry to hear that Billy Drago died today––prolific character actor, cheekbone wonder, menacing Kansan, and portrayer of exquisite madmen. He was one of my favorite eccentric performers in an A-and B-movie canon (and Cannon) full of them... I've written before that his brilliant volatility ought to have resulted in warning labels on VHS tapes that said "HERE THERE BE DRAGOS."

Some classic roles included when he enforced Al Capone's reign of terror in De Palma's THE UNTOUCHABLES, engaged in complex cartel homoeroticism with Chuck Norris in DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION, preached and handled snakes in GUNCRAZY, led a punk gang against vampire Grace Jones in VAMP, ran an insane asylum in THE HERO AND THE TERROR, slithered through INVASION U.S.A. while testing all the coke, and was a frighteningly pathos-filled john in MYSTERIOUS SKIN, among many, many others. His body of work runs the gamut from arthouse films to workaday TV shows to Cannon actioners to music videos to the only episode of MASTERS OF HORROR deemed too extreme to air (directed by Takashi Miike). In each performance, he imbued his characters with a real, lived-in quality; an authenticity that was sometimes startling, sometimes nightmarish, and always profound. Here's to you, Billy: R.I.P.

Film Review: INVASION U.S.A. (1985, Joseph Zito)

Stars: 2.8 of 5.

Running Time: 107 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by Joseph Zito (MISSING IN ACTION, THE PROWLER).  Written by James Bruner (THE DELTA FORCE, MISSING IN ACTION), Chuck Norris, and Aaron Norris (HELLBOUND, DELTA FORCE 2).  Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus.  Music by Jay Chattaway (VIGILANTE, MANIAC, SILVER BULLET).  Cinematography by João Fernandez (DEEP THROAT, DEADLY WEAPONS, CHILDREN OF THE CORN, FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV, WALKER TEXAS RANGER).  Starring Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch (SCARECROW, THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER), Melissa Prophet (CASINO, GOODFELLAS), Eddie Jones (A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, C.H.U.D.), Billy Drago (THE UNTOUCHABLES, DELTA FORCE 2), and James Pax (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS).

Tag-line: "No one thought it could happen here...  America wasn't ready...  but HE was!"

Best one-liner:  "If you come back in, I'll hit you with so many rights, you'll be begging for a left!"

Is INVASION U.S.A. a good movie?  No, no it is not.  Today, I suppose it reads more like a post-election Tea Party fantasy, but back in the 80s I guess it was for the set who thought "I would have loved RED DAWN if it had been about one guy in tight denim with dual uzis instead of a teenaged guerrilla army."

Granted, "that guy" is Chuck Norris, but what I'm saying is: RED DAWN it ain't.  There are a lot of things that go wrong here– it's generally bland and doesn't have the mind-blowing action movie moxie of a DEATH WISH 3 or a STONE COLD, Chuck Norris doesn't do much in the way of martial arts and is offscreen way too often, and the supporting cast is pretty weak (the two Cannon character actors I was all psyched to see, Billy Drago and James Pax, get about a combined 2 minutes of screentime).  As far as Norris flicks go, I think I'd even have to put this one below THE HERO AND THE TERROR and SILENT RAGE.  It's even three or four steps down from DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION.

Mind the mud!

But– before you go throwing yourselves off of balconies– this is still a Norris/Cannon picture, and as such there are a handful of things that should tickle the fancy of any conoisseur of 80s trash nonsense.

"Let the fancy-tickling commence:  I'll bring the beard!"

Starring Richard Lynch as a communist-terrorist-mercenary

who wants to invade America because  we don't value our freedom enough ("They are their own worst enemy, they don't realize how we can use their freedom against them!"), INVASION U.S.A. sees Lynch proceed to "Monsters on Maple Street" the country, sowing mistrust and violence.  He expends a great deal of his resources on blowing up Chuck Norris' cabin and frightening his pet armadillo, shoots a drug-dealin' Billy Drago in the balls and tosses a hooker out the window, executes some kids making out on the beach, shoots up a Latino community center, and then heartily fucks up suburban Christmas with blasts from a rocket launcher during "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."  Did I mention that this was sort of a Christmas movie?

"Daddy, can I put the star on top?"


FOOOOOOSH

I gotta say that the filmmakers do do a pretty good job of straight-up destroying Christmas.  But then, in a most egregious mistake, Lynch & Co. blow up a mall in the midst of holiday rush.

Ya don't mess with Reagan-era consumerism when Chuck is around, that's for sure.  And what did DEATH HUNT teach us about property rights?  Don't fuck with a man's cabin.  That's a big mistake.

And fuck with Norris' cabin they did.  They also needlessly scared the daylights out of this cute little guy:

the aforementioned pet armadillo, who might actually be my favorite element of the film.

Although, perhaps the biggest mistake they really made was killing off Drago.

This may have marked the beginning of a beautiful friendship (Drago also appears with Norris in THE HERO AND THE TERROR, DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION, and the WALKER, TEXAS RANGER episode "Terror in the Night") but he really only gets about sixty seconds to slither in and creep everybody out and say "Impress me" like he's Tom "Thrill me" Atkins in NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

before this happens

and then Lynch crams the coke straw of Drago's number-one-lady up into her sinus cavity and then tosses her out the window for good measure.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of all this was except to add some sleaze to the picture and to associate communism with American drug culture/prostitution?

Well, if you have any questions, you'll just have to ask the writer:


Yeah, Chuck just broke a bottle of Coors with his fist because he was so angry at the thought of having his artistic acumen undermined.  Well, that angry-bearded scribe brings us some rants against Social Security and the line "They're turning people against each other... even worse, they're turning them against authority!"  And it's a major plot point that all of this is happening because Norris didn't execute Lynch back when he had the chance:

Though he did kick him in the face.

And he also brings us yet another in a series of Chuck Norris characters with first names for last names:  Matt Hunter.  Also see:  Scott James, John Booker, Sean Kane, Josh Randall, etc., etc.

There's a weak plucky journalist character (Melissa Prophet- though supposedly Chuck's first choice was Whoopi Goldberg) who makes up for lack of character development by loudly calling everybody "Bozos!" and "Bastards!"  James Pax shows up impersonating a cop as he guns down partygoers at a Hispanic community center:

this guy shows up, too, the sort of ridiculous tank-top body-builder who's always wandering around Cannon Films for some reason:


and then there's a fairly great scene where Norris is threatening/propositioning Lynch via live television:

"One night you're gonna close your eyes..."

"And when you open them..."

"I'm gonna be there..."

Anyway, it gets pretty damn dull in stretches, and I think it might be because it was one of Cannon's biggest budgets (at $10 million) thus far.  Therefore, I theorize, they wanted to show it off with lots of shots of trucks driving and soldiers assembling and crowds running and tanks driving around instead of shots of street dancers and spandex'd henchmen and chicken being good and all.  I think Cannon wanted to make a "real" movie, and for that reason it loses a little of its charm.  Not all of it– not even close– but some.

Anyway, it practically redeems itself with an abrupt finale involving bazookas which recalls another Cannon film abrupt finale involving bazookas from 1985, DEATH WISH 3.  You see, Chuck and Richard Lynch are in a hallway with bazookas, sort of cruising each other


when this happens

in all of its UNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH glory.  Roll credits.

At least you knew how to go out with a bang, INVASION U.S.A.– I'll give ya that!

-Sean Gill

Film Review: THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987, Brian de Palma)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 119 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Kevin Costner, Robert De Niro, Sean Connery, Charles Martin Smith (AMERICAN GRAFFITI, STARMAN), Andy Garcia (THE GODFATHER PART III, BLACK RAIN), Billy Drago (TREMORS 4, DELTA FORCE 2), Patricia Clarkson (THE GREEN MILE, THE WOODS), Jack Kehoe (SERPICO, MIDNIGHT RUN), Don Harvey (CREEPSHOW 2, DIE HARD 2). Screenplay by David Mamet, music by Ennio Morricone, cinematography by Stephen H. Burum (CARLITO'S WAY, RAISING CAIN, ARTHUR 2: ON THE ROCKS).

Tagline: "AL CAPONE. He ruled Chicago with absolute power. No one could touch him. No one could stop him. - Until Eliot Ness and a small force of men swore they'd bring him down."

Best one-liner: "Isn't that just like a wop? Brings a knife to a gun fight." (said in Sean Connery's Scottish brogue)

THE UNTOUCHABLES is a pretty solid flick. I saw it when I was rather young, and I remember it making quite an impression. Part buddy cop movie, part mobster epic, part Peckinpah-style shoot-'em-'up, part courtroom drama, part police procedural, part Sergei Eisenstein meets John Woo– it pretty much had it all. Initially I saw it because INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE had recently come out and it had launched a Sean Connery kick for me that never really did end, now that I think about it. I believe it may have been my first exposure to Brian de Palma and David Mamet, too. In the years hence, I know that Mamet has written works with greater depth and resonance than this, and I know that De Palma has made movies that are artsier and even more ludicrous, but it's nice to return to THE UNTOUCHABLES, like an old friend– an old friend with a reverb-heavy, kickass 80's Morricone soundtrack who luvs slo-mo squib action and disguising split-screen shots as ridiculous deep-focus shots.

Anyway, others, such as J.D. at Radiator Heaven, John Kenneth Muir, and Mr. Peel's Sardine Liqueur have pretty much said what needs to be said about the film in the realms of historical context, profundity, and classiness, so I suppose that instead of covering ground that's already been covered, I'll do what I am wont to do: leap headlong into the absurdity and minutiae of THE UNTOUCHABLES!

As such, I'll divide my observations into two parts: Drago-related, and non-Drago-related. The non-Drago-related section is gonna be pretty small, actually.

Non-Drago-Related Observations:

#1. Don Harvey.

Hey, look, guys– it's Don Harvey, handing Kevin Costner an axe! You remember Don Harvey, don't you? From DIE HARD 2 and CREEPSHOW 2? I've described him as proto-Peter Weller meets proto-Kevin Bacon, and hey– I like the guy. Nice to see you, Don.

#2. TENEBRE homage.

Oh, De Palma, I love ya. During a notable scene when Sean Connery is being stalked at his home, the camera shifts forward and backward, tracking across the exterior architecture, catching voyeuristic glimpses of Connery, and ending with a first-person P.O.V. of hands breaking into a window, just like the legendary crane shot in TENEBRE (which has nearly the exact same visuals, and ends with black-gloved hands wielding bolt-cutters to gain entrance to a window). Sure, it doesn't matter much in the long run, but it makes me kinda tingly when Argento gets a well-deserved salute. Unless said salute is being delivered by Diablo Cody. Or to Diablo Cody. Eh. Anyway, TENEBRE is notably referenced in RAISING CAIN, too.

#3. Connery's booze stash.

Throughout the film, my girlfriend was remarking that "there's no way Connery is sober during this," and I, not having seen the film in a dozen years or so, was saying "he's fighting alcohol bootleggers, let 'im total his tea." Anyway, during the sequence referenced in #2, Connery pulls a bottle o' contraband hooch out of his oven and has a snort. Also of note: Connery is apparently playing an Irish American with a Scottish accent, just as he played a Spaniard with a Scottish accent, and in the future would go on to play a Russian with a Scottish accent. A versatile fellow, he.


Drago-Related Observations:


Who is that terrifying, cheek-boney, crazy-eyed, thin white duke lurking in the shadows, there? Wait a minute, wait a minute... a sense memory is kicking in... could it be...

Holy shit, now the wheels are turning, ladies and gentlemen! "Smooth Criminal" was on BAD, released in late August 1987. THE UNTOUCHABLES was early June 1987. Could it be? Could the inspiration for "Smooth Criminal" be none other than ....BILLY DRAGO???


"As he came into the window, it was the sound of a crescendo"

"He left the bloodstains on the carpet"

"You've been hit by, you've been hit by, a smooth criminal"

And then, it turns out that Drago later appeared, in 2001, in a Michael Jackson video called "You Rock My World!" Is it possible that all of Jackson's surgeries involved wanting to be more like Billy Drago? Is MOONWALKER indirectly the result of Billy Drago's acting brilliance? Who is Annie? And more importantly, is she okay? So many unanswered questions.

But I believe I may have put the cart before the horse. Let me back up for a moment. Billy Drago, long beloved by this site, plays "Frank Nitti," the white-suit-clad doer of Al Capone's dirty-work. He blows up children, he skulks in the dark, he kills beloved characters, he makes thinly veiled threats and dons a devilish grin.


And he does it with style. That's Drago for ya. The man is one of a kind. Make no mistake about that. I may have alluded to other celebrities with "thin white duke," or "smooth criminal," or, hell, once I even called him "Scary Dean Stanton," but my point is this: you believe Drago, every step of the way. Here is an actor who connects with the material, brings it alive, even when he's bringing alive an attempted Chuck Norris makeout session. And by the time THE UNTOUCHABLES is over: you will believe a Drago can fly– (which again, returning to DELTA FORCE 2, appears to be a recurring career theme!)

...Amen.


-Sean Gill

Film Review: DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION (1990, Aaron Norris)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 111 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Chuck Norris (CODE OF SILENCE, MISSING IN ACTION), Billy Drago (THE UNTOUCHABLES, GUNCRAZY), Richard Jaeckel (THE LINEUP, THE DIRTY DOZEN, STARMAN), Mark Margolis (REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, ABSOLUTE POWER), Begonya Plaza (HEARTBREAK RIDGE, 48 HRS.), Paul Perri (FREEWAY, MANHUNTER). Music by Frederic Talgorn (ROBOT JOX, FORTRESS). Written by Lee Reynolds (ALAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD, WHO AM I?).
Tag-line: "Norris and the force are back!"
Best one-liner: "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
AKA: DELTA FORCE 2: OPERATION STRANGLEHOLD.


DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION– another in a continuing series on run-on sentence/tone poems possibly inspired by William Faulkner and/or Gertrude Stein.

We got the Globus, lost the Golan, but Chuck is back and it's a Cannon film
– a canon film, really–
and that's all that matters, for they say this is a sequel, but a sequel to what? I find myself asking,
Chuck's the only returning actor, he never really has a back-story, and the eponymous DELTA FORCE is never mentioned–
no matter; a Norris is a Norris is a Norris is a Norris as they say

but wait– in this DELTA FORCE, may we heed the ominous warning from the atlas' yellowed, dusty pages...
"HERE THERE BE DRAGOS"

and Dragos there are indeed (we'll call this specimen Billy) and he first appears with a glittery, hooded cape which he twirls and flips with all the grace and aplomb of a Cannon Films wrongdoer
why the cape? you see, it's Carnival in Rio, but
SWEET GOD WATCH OUT FOR THE BLISTERING LEAD WHICH POURS FORTH FROM THE WEAPONS OF THE GANGS OF DANCING-CLOWNS

and now it's war or revenge or whatever you want to call it,
but back in the States some Cannon punks are making a pyramid out of Miller High Life, which is only right, 'cause it's the champagne of beers

and then they start some real trouble, amateurishly manhandling the Chinese restaurant owner and insulting his General Tso's chicken, but they picked the wrong bistro for that manner of tomfoolery since
Norris is a loyal customer and he really knows how to handle men- he's a professional manhandler
and he proceeds to teach a master's course on the appreciation of the finer points of Chinese cuisine


SPLOOOSH right in the fried rice
and then informs the proprietor "Personally Mr. Kwon I think your food is great"

and then we're back in San Carlos
or should I say in San Carlos for the first time (home of Billy Drago, the master drug kingpin),
and even though they have the Columbian flag and the movie is subtitled THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION, none of this has anything to do with Columbia it's a made-up country called San Carlos so geeze don't get your panties in a bunch

anyway Drago's the sort of drug kingpin who likes to lean back all the way in his carseat if ya know what I mean;
he holds his country in the grip of terror
along with a corrupt General played by Mark Margolis who occasionally exclaims sheer eloquence such as

"SHIT!!!"

anyway Drago rapes and slaughters and murders and has kind of a lavender color scheme in his bedroom

and kills babies and holds Columbia in the grip of terror, whoops I mean San Carlos, and who can stop him, who is man enuff to stop him before he can accomplish his goal of lockin' lips with every last freedom-luvin' hombre in this movie? well, we shall see...we shall see...


but before Billy can caress his next victim, General John P. Ryan is the man with the plan (not Panama, though– San Carlos!)

and he's sort of the same character from RUNAWAY TRAIN, except now he's one of the good guys (I guess?)
and so under John P. Ryan's command (tutelage?), NORRIS busts in, makin' the Drago bust at 20,000 feet on an international flight
and Drago senses weakness

but before they can join the mile-high club,
Chuck tosses his ass outta the plane, just to show that he means business, too

and then nose-dives to save his scummy drug-dealin' hide, (he should have a fair trial, after all) but you will believe a Chuck can fly

but at the trial, justice is re-defined, the 'Drag-ster gets off on a technicality ("Isn't democracy great?"), and
then he kills everyone that Norris has ever cared about, cares about, or ever will care about
and escapes back to San Carlos cause he's just that sort of som'bitch

I mean look at 'im
the toast of the town
wearin' a puff-sleeve blazer he stole off the set of THE GOLDEN GIRLS
that 'ole Bill Drago
the toast of the town

but Chuck vows revenge! extradition treaties be damned
he starts lookin' for love in all the wrong places

C'mere you young tuffs
have you got What It Takes
we gotta out-commando COMMANDO
(that means no underpants)
we gotta outgun TOP GUN
Chuck's montage is all about trainin'
watch him sandblast that adolescent

watch the backward-ram face-jam

(kinda more like SALO than DELTA FORCE 1!)

and now for a little lady Chuck likes to call
the crotch-thrust maneuver
it's not hard to do, he can teach it to you
first you put the head in the crotch,

and then,

well, I guess that's the only step

but ample screentime is devoted to its proper form

so now that Chuck has got What It Takes, it's time to head down to Columb– shit, I do mean San Carlos
don't forget your flask, John P. Ryan!

thank God, sometimes he forgets the flask
but he never forgets his catchphrase..."ALWAYS THE HARD WAY!"

and so Chuck goes all MISSING IN ACTION on the (island? landlocked?) nation and John P. Ryan tools around in a helicopter, shooting off well-proportioned rockets and blasting hot lead into sweaty, South American bodies and shouting sophisticated quotables such as:

"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

and then the big showdown happens after Chuck defeats the poor man's Al Leong (if you know what that means then allow me to tip my glass to you, sir)
and hoo boy
you don't wanna miss this
Billy Drago catches Chuck in his bedroom
and...
well just watch the video

but then
John P. Ryan comes to blow up his pool

a damn shame, hope the pool boys made it out safely
and we're entreated to a patented whacky rope pull chase

whereupon Chuck n' Bill zip through the rainforest, fighting one another as they dangle from JPR's 'copter
and I gotta say it's my favorite high-speed forest chase since RETURN OF THE JEDI
and I won't say how it ends
but let's just say that Chuck and Johnny P. Ryan keep America safe from Billy Drago makeout sessions so that they can...

...have their own?

-Sean Gill