Only now does it occur to me... GORGEOUS (1999)

Only now does it occur to me... that Jackie Chan has some opinions about Jean-Claude Van Damme.

First off, GORGEOUS is a one of Jackie's lesser-known ventures, and for good reason. When a movie, A. stars Jackie Chan and Tony Leung and B., is written, choreographed, and produced by Jackie Chan––a viewer might assume they were in the proximity of greatness. However, this particular film was made near the apex of Jackie's international stardom (in 1999, fresh off of '98's RUSH HOUR), and I believe he was in the, shall we say––"George Lucas/PHANTOM MENACE phase" of his creative output, in that no one was willing say "no" to his more questionable ideas. Consequently, what we have here is a part children's movie/part romantic comedy that is––for the most part––about CGI dolphins, fashion, recycling, a semi-creepy April/September romance, and questionable gay stereotypes.

One of the CGI dolphins in question.


Tony Leung is doing his best, it's true.

In that description, I've probably made it seem a little more fun than it actually is, but rest assured that for the majority of its runtime, GORGEOUS is dull and uncomfortable. [For context, my favorite '90s Jackie Chan films are RUMBLE IN THE BRONX, THE LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER, and SUPERCOP. I have genuine love for WHO AM I?, SUPERCOP 2, CRIME STORY, and TWIN DRAGONS. And despite everything, I do enjoy RUSH HOUR.]

In any event, I come to you today, not to rip on Jackie Chan (whose filmography has brought me endless joy) but to interpret two glorious action sequences which appear in the latter half of the film.

First, I'll set the scene. Within the film, Jackie Chan plays a recycled paper magnate named "Jackie Chan," who is pursuing a young lady half his age (Qi Shu of THE TRANSPORTER)

which leads to many groan-inducing romantic scenarios, but it does inspire a few genuine laughs, like when a man follows Qi around with an electric fan to give her perpetually wind-blown hair:

and when Jackie is overwhelmed by the size of his snifter glass:

This is a highlight.

In any event, Jackie's also been navigating a volatile friendship with his childhood best bud, who is now a gangster. Because Jackie keeps getting the best of him (and humiliating his hired thugs), the gangster decides to import some outside talent from Europe:




When the fighter arrives, he's played by a Jackie Chan-ensemble stuntman named Bradley James Allan, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Jean-Claude Van Damme, in appearance, physique, and fighting style:

(not to be confused with Daniel Bernhardt, the original Jean-Faux Van Damme)

As if this were not immediately obvious, the gangster quickly cracks a JCVD-reference about his new Euro muscle:

I'm surprised they didn't say he was a master at "bloodsport."
 
And they proceed to make fun of him for being short

and I was certain that Jackie had included him to send him to some ignominious fate and thus get in some gentle JCVD ribbing, á la the Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone "feud"...but then it's Jean-Faux Van Damme II who defeats Jackie in their boxing/kickboxing duel. The entire exchange is very good-natured––more Roddy Piper vs. Keith David in THEY LIVE than JCVD vs. Bolo Yeung in BLOODSPORT, for instance.

This leads to a training montage and a subsequent rematch at Jackie's recycled paper factory. This is when Bradley James Allan truly gets his chance to shine. In a movie that is largely devoted to dolphin fondling, clichéd jokes, and first dates, this final action setpiece is a mini-masterpiece of kinetic martial arts insanity. The speed at which Jackie and Bradley ply their craft is jaw-dropping––and the stylistic similarities to JCVD action scenes are plain:




Jackie puts his own spin on it, however, and by the end the duel has evolved into a ballroom dance-fight with balletic lifts and other slapstick absurdities:




Whereupon they proceed to punch and kick each other silly until they go cross-eyed in a tableau even Jerry Lewis might deem unsubtle:


but they depart as friends.

Much like, apparently, in real life:

 
 And here I had no idea. While I've since learned that they've both appeared in KUNG FU PANDA sequels, here's hoping that one day they actually make a movie together...

Film Review: DRACULA 3D (2012, Dario Argento)

Stars: 1 of 5.

Running Time: 110 minutes.

Tag-line: "ARGENTO'S 3-D"

Notable Cast or Crew: Asia Argento (TRAUMA, SCARLET DIVA, THE LAST MISTRESS), Rutger Hauer (THE HITCHER, BLADE RUNNER), Thomas Kretschmann (DOWNFALL, KING KONG '05), Unax Ugalde (GOYA'S GHOSTS).  Written by Argento, Enrique Cerezo (PHANTOMS, WITCHING AND BITCHING), Stefano Piani, and Antonio Tentori (Fulci's A CAT IN THE BRAIN).  Music by Claudio Simonetti (of Goblin fame).

Best One-liner:  "RAHHHHHHH!"

What to say?  What can one say?  I love you, Dario.  You used to be an artist, man.  An artist, for Chrissakes!  I love you, but you made a bad movie.  Worse-than-THE CARD PLAYER bad.  Worse-than-GIALLO bad.  Worse than bottommost barrel of bottom-of-the-barrel Fulci.  It can't even hold a candle to VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS.  I hesitate to even call this thing a movie.  It's more like an inferior Ren Faire filmed for the Hallmark Channel, but with a few reels switched out from a softcore sex movie, and a few others replaced by the gory bits from early first-person-shooters like DOOM or WOLFENSTEIN 3D.  Don't believe me?  See for yourself.  SEE FOR YOURSELF!!!

The corridors of Wolfenstein 3D...


...give way to Hallmark softcore?!


...And in some cases every terrible aspect converges, as seen in this freeze frame where a primitive CGI depiction of a nude woman is flung across the room by the invisible, Force-like rage of Dracula.

Good Lord, how did it come to this?  The lighting in SUSPIRIA is a work of art unto to itself; conversely, not only is this lit like a cheap TV movie, it's absolutely the brightest horror film I've ever seen.  Even the nighttime scenes are harshly illumed by crude floodlights.

I scoured the entire, nearly two-hour runtime of this film, and this is the most artistic screen capture I could find.  Whereas, if you freeze any random frame of DEEP RED or SUSPIRIA, you'll find a work of art worthy of hanging in a gallery.

If the internet is to be believed, this had a budget of nearly $8 million U.S.– how is that possible?  Was it a tax cheat of some kind?  A scenario like THE PRODUCERS?  SPRINGTIME FOR DRACULA?

Poor Asia Argento shows up out of a sense of family obligation in the way that some folks are guilted home for the holidays.

(And if that dress didn't come from a Ren Faire, I'll eat my goddamn shoe!)

Except at your last family get-together, your Dad probably didn't write a gratuitous nude bathing scene for you:

It's kind of troubling that, just off the top of my head, I can think of three gratuitous nude bathing scenes in which Asia has appeared in her father's films (MOTHER OF TEARS, TRAUMA, and DRACULA 3D). Yikes!

Regardless, like at any awkward family function, Asia puts on a brave face:

Whew.  She is a real trouper and she deserves better.  That is all.

Dracula himself (Thomas Kretschmann) is awfully disappointing.

If the pun hadn't already been beaten into the dust, I would daresay that their Dracula "sucks."  I could say, he "makes my blood boil."  I might even say he "pounds the last nail into the coffin" that is this movie.  But I won't.
Instead, I'll say he sorta looks like a low-rent Daniel Craig and says things like "RAHHH" all the time.

Sometimes he says "AAAAAAAAH!"

With production value that reminds me of THE ROOM, I have to say this was a major missed opportunity: I think that Tommy Wiseau, with his ambiguous Euro accent and long dark tresses, would have made for a much better Dracula.

And their Harker (Unax Ugalde), don't get me started on their Harker– he makes Keanu Reeves in Coppola's DRACULA '92 look like a pro.  I repeat, their Harker makes Keanu look like a pro.

Rutger Hauer, as Van Helsing, limps in well past the hour-long mark to slay a few vamps.

He knows the score.  He probably didn't, back when he signed the contracts, but by the time he arrived on set and beheld its full indignity, he knew what to do.  "What to do" in this instance being to shamefully phone in his performance.  I don't, I won't, and I can't begrudge him that.

Eventually, he must contemplate the resilience of his 401K while observing Asia Argento wrapped in blobs of CGI fire.


Sure, we can pretend that it didn't happen, but we'd still know in our hearts that it did.

Hell, by the end it looks like this thing gave him PTSD, and this is a guy who survived the Hallmark version of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.

There, there.  It'll be okay, Rutger. 

But forget Rutger and Asia– it's the CGI that's the true star of this movie.  The true art of this movie, I should say.  Look at this incredible werewolf transformation.  I'd venture to say you've seen nothing quite like it this side of a Nintendo 64 cutscene:

"The true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection."  –Michelangelo

"This world is but a canvas to our imagination."  –Henry David Thoreau



"Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable."  –George Bernard Shaw

"Art is the right hand of Nature.  The latter has only given us being, the former has made us men."  –Frederick Schiller

"Rules and models destroy genius and art."  –William Hazlitt

And what's this?  That ain't NOSFERATU's shadow creeping up the stairs:

What form of Dracula could that be...?  It couldn't possibly be a praying mantis, could it?  Because that would be ridiculous.

"The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance."  –Aristotle

Immediately after that bit with the mantis there, Dracula absconds with Mina, who has just witnessed the madness.  She wonders aloud, "What did I see?"

Dracula replies, "Nothing."  Ah, if only!

And it all ends in a classic fake-out, with the defeated Dracula's ashes rishing into a smoky CGI wolf's head that roars IN OUR FACE.

"The purpose of art is to wash the dust of daily life off of our souls."  –Pablo Picasso

One star.  For old time's sake, Dario.  For the love of the art.

–Sean Gill

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4.  EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002, Ellory Elkayem)

5.  MASTERS OF HORROR: WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM (2007, Tom Holland)

6.  STEPHEN KING ON SONS OF ANARCHY (2010, Bill Gierhart)

7.  THE INITIATION (1984, Larry Stewart)

8.  MUTANTS (2008, Amir Valinia)

9.  JAWS 2 (1978, Jeannot Szwarc)

10.  THE PREMATURE BURIAL (1962, Roger Corman)

11. ...