Only now does it occur to me... HITMAN'S RUN (1999)

"Lesser Lester" Week Continues:

Only now does it occur to me... that Richard Donner's ASSASSINS (1995, starring Stallone, Banderas, and Julianne Moore) was apparently enough of a 'thing' to inspire some imitators––including Mark L. Lester's HITMAN'S RUN.

Banderas in ASSASSINS....


...and Eric Roberts in HITMAN'S RUN.


Mostly notable for an evocative scene where Eric Roberts kills a man in a phone booth by running him over with a wood-paneled station wagon,



HITMAN'S RUN follows the exploits a former mafia assassin (Roberts) in the witness protection program who comes out of hiding for one last adventure involving hackers, floppy disks, CD-ROMs, skateboarding kids, stylish haircuts, late 90s sweaters, and lite John Woo-style gunplay.

"Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God."

Other major highlights include the bizarre and possibly improvised interactions between Roberts and his new wife (who knows not of his hitman past).  I mean, just look at this beautiful exchange:





Yes, it certainly does seem so much longer.  But Roberts is doing a decent job, and I appreciate the extra effort his haircut is making.


Hey, look, it's C. Thomas Howell!

There's always a peculiar melancholy whenever I see C. Thomas outside of the 1980s... like I'm a distant relative who expected the worst, but when I see him, I squeeze his shoulder and say really sincerely, "Oh, I'm so glad to see you're doing okay."  I feel like I should be sending him $25.00 checks for his birthday, is what I'm saying.


I also learned that a recordable CD has 650 megabytes of memory.

Er-–wait a second––who is that sweater-vest-wearin', faintly 90s subculture HACKERS émigré?  I know him from somewhere...  It's almost like I can see him, about to be paddled by a douchey Ben Affleck...

Yup, it's Esteban Powell, best known as Mitch's pal "Carl" from DAZED AND CONFUSED!

Not a lot has changed.

His major character trait in HITMAN'S RUN is that he says things like "Whoa-kay!" instead of "Okay," and I suppose that's fine.

In the end this is the kind of generic mafia flick that's sort of worth your time. It's certainly a "lesser" Lester––on the second-rate action scale, I'd put it somewhere between a Glickenhaus and a Pyun.  Most of it will depend on your tolerance for the less-than-selective Eric Roberts (according to IMDb, he has THIRTY-SEVEN films coming out in 2016!), as apparently not everyone is on the Roberts bandwagon.  I, conversely, am driving that bandwagon.  I realize that some of the joy of Eric Roberts is how terrible many of his films are, but I still contend that the man himself is one of the finest actors of his generation (see RUNAWAY TRAIN and STAR 80 back-to-back if you don't believe me), and even amid the direct-to-video dreck, little shards of his talent keep piercing through.

Only now does it occur to me... SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER

Only now does it occur to me... that Bill Paxton nearly saves SPY KIDS 3-D GAME OVER from itself.

Granted, this is a children's movie that embraced the 3-D gimmick (in 2003) before its officially annoying resurrection, and by all accounts is trying to be a nonsensical mess of CGI fuckery.  However, even by Rodriguez/SPY KIDS standards, this is pretty unbearable, and for the first three-quarters of its runtime, the only saving grace is Ricardo Montalbán in a CGI robot suit.

The primary antagonist is Sylvester Stallone (who agreed to do this at one of the lowest points of his career) as a computer programmer known as "The Toymaker"

who frequently banters with three virtual alter-egos, all also played by Stallone, including a Kaiser, a nerd, and a hippie.

This is even more awkward than you can possibly imagine.

You will recall Stallone's earlier attempts at comedy in such films as RHINESTONE and OSCAR and STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT.

I think I'll leave it at that.

Anyway, in the final act, characters from the previous SPY KIDS films are called into action to defeat giant CGI robots.  Everyone was clearly on set for about five minutes, delivering their line in front of a green screen and then going about their business.  You gotta love Rodriguez.  Anyway, this motley crew includes Steve Buscemi, who maintains his dignity despite riding a flying pig,

Danny Trejo as Uncle Machete,

Alan Cumming, Tony Shaloub, Carla Gugino as "Mom," Banderas as "Dad,"

etc., etc., etc.  And then we have Bill Paxton as "Dinky Winks"

who delivers this film's benediction:

in a perfect reference to both the film's title and Paxton's own legendary line reading "GAME OVER, MAN!  GAME OVER!!!" from ALIENS.  Thank God for Paxton.

(Also, in case it was somehow not apparent from the screenshot of "Hippie Stallone," you should absolutely not see this movie.)

Film Review: ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003, Robert Rodriguez)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 102 minutes.
Tag-line: "The Time Has Come."
Notable Cast or Crew: Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Willem Dafoe, Johnny Depp, Mickey Rourke, Eva Mendes, Danny Trejo, Cheech Marin, Rubén Blades, Enrique Iglesias, Marco Leonardi.
Best one-liner: "Ok. Smoke him... Smoke the fucker! Send him straight to fucking Broadway."

Rodriguez's continued retellings of his "Sergio Leone by-way-of Walter Hill and John Woo" EL MARIACHI legend are like a monstrous, runaway snowball. And as it rolls downhill, it increases in speed, size, ludicrousity, and finally, by ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO, it's a completely deranged, rampaging behemoth full of eclectic actors, jaw-dropping setpieces, and a tangible joie de vivre that its contemporaries truly lack.




Here's 10 reasons why ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO rises above the muck of your typical 00's action flick and is worthy of your time:

#1. Some movies will, at times, splash a little blood or water on the lens. I think it's meant to amplify the grittiness, but for me it intensifies the disconnect- 'I'm watching a movie.' Rodriguez goes a step further: during a desert dirt bike chase, some cacti get blasted and the lens is spattered with cactus juice, which I have no choice but to wholeheartedly support.


#2. Mickey Rourke (and his l'il doggie). Now this is 21st Century Rourke (fossilized skin, gravelly voice, and every third word is "goddamn") at his finest.

His purple suits are not costumes- they're from his personal wardrobe. He exudes actual pathos, and in the course of a few brief scenes builds a relationship with his little chihuahua buddy that's more genuine and touching than anything from a weepie picture.

#3. Depp and his kitschy accoutrements.

From a CLASH OF THE TITANS lunchbox to an 'I'm With Stupid' t-shirt to the fanny packs, the fake 'staches, and the shorts n' blazer combo, Depp's attire is a testament to the inspired lunacy of the man himself.

Only on set for a few days, Depp hand-picked his own wardrobe from the festering aisles of tacky, border-town thrift shops and proceeded to unleash a hurricane of loopy, Brando-style improvisation, supposedly inspired by an anonymous, eccentric Hollywood mover and shaker who Depp always imagined "wore really cheesy tourist shirts, had a sideline obsession with Broadway, and favored strange, obvious disguises."

The end result is nothing short of astonishing, and 'Agent Sands' surely belongs on the short list of great characters in contemporary action cinema.

#4. Banderas' brutal double low-blow, worthy of Leo Fong. You'll know it when you see it.



Banderas' look says it all: he takes brutal ball-squeezing very seriously.

I'm sad to say, however, that the duration still compares unfavorably to THE EVIL THAT MEN DO.

#5. Willem Dafoe.

Scary with a mustache. Scary in silk shirts. Scary behind bandages. So scary, even Danny Trejo has got the heebie-jeebies, which is really saying something. Hell, he's even freaking out his döppelganger.

It's nearly a throwaway role- one in a parade of villainous entities- but we all know that Dafoe doesn't require a majority of screen-time to be terrifying as all get out.

WILLEM DAFOE WILL STARE INTO YOUR SOUL

#6. This camera angle.

Sometime between the ribaldry of classic 70's action cinema (BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA, ROLLING THUNDER, et al.) and the present day, Hollywood moved from "gritty South American hooker in a smoke den with peeling paint" sleaze to "corporate, collagen, plasticine, air-brushed to oblivion" sleaze. And, frankly, I find the latter kind of disturbing. Regardless, while Eva Mendes certainly wouldn't belong in a Peckinpah flick, this camera-angle, and what it represents- an unrepentant, 'let's-call-a-spade-a-spade' style of bawdiness– is refreshing.

#7. "Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?"


#8. Cheech Marin.

Well, he missed out on the first EL MARIACHI movie, so I suppose he tried to make up for it by subsequently playing seven roles in seven Rodriguez flicks- a feat more impressive than it sounds, given that 5 of those films belong to ongoing series (3 SPY KIDS and 2 EL MARIACHI films). Here, he's amusingly long-winded and has got an eye patch, and that's really all you need to know.

#9. Rubén Blades. He's not the flashiest performer here. He's not an ex-con like Danny Trejo, a funnyman like Cheech Marin, a pop star like Enrique Iglesias, or a petrified, walking cautionary tale like Mickey Rourke.

He's low-key. He's convincing. And Rodriguez outfits him with a story arc that's well worth our time. In a film that's a whirling vortex of over-the-top yarns, off-kilter character actors, and reeling action set-pieces, Blades is that grounding dose of subtlety that really ties it all together.

#10. The finale: an eyeless gunslinger who makes Zatoichi look like Mr. Magoo, Banderas surfing down a staircase on his guitar, PREDATOR 2 references, and endless one-liners- life is good.


Nearly five stars. And while I surely wouldn't say no to a fourth EL MARIACHI flick, I'm not sure how Rodriguez could possibly escalate upon the bedlam contained herein without it collapsing under its own weight...

-Sean Gill

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)
10. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997, Clint Eastwood)
11. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)
12. FALLING DOWN (1993, Joel Schumacher)
13. TOURIST TRAP (1979, David Schmoeller)
14. THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1973, Richard Lester)
15. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)
16. TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)
17. 48 HRS. (1982, Walter Hill)
18. ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003, Robert Rodriguez)
19. ...