Only now does it occur to me... THE LONG HOT SUMMER (1958)

Only now does it occur to me... that when weather this stifling comes around, the only solution is to watch some Southern Fried Sleaze-O-Rama! (As previously documented in my reviews of THE BIG EASY, TIGHTROPE, and THE PAPERBOY.) Today, that meant watching THE LONG, HOT SUMMER, a lurid, golden age melodrama based on three works by William Faulker ("Spotted Horses," "Barn Burning," and THE HAMLET) and featuring sweaty Paul Newman:

well-oiled n' corpulent Orson Welles:

steamy Angela Lansbury (chuggin' all the beers):

moist Joanne Woodward:

clammy Tony Franciosa (best known to me from Argento's TENEBRE!):

and damp Lee Remick:

(among other perspiring members of the Actors Studio).

Directed by Martin Ritt (HUD, HOMBRE, THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD) and set to a sensationalized score by Alex North (SPARTACUS, CLEOPATRA, THE MISFITS), this is a film about handsome strange-uhs and busyin' youh-self with the vapours and the juleps and the pink lemonade, and it contains more Faulknerian sexual entrendres than you can shake a swampy, Bayou-drippin' stick at. In short, I enjoyed it quite a bit. 

Also worth mentioning is the DVD cover, which features a pull-quote from a VARIETY review:

"...Strikingly Directed...Steamy With Sex." 

Apparently confused by the review's lack of attribution (it's from an uncredited "staff" review) the DVD producers decided to go with the first name they saw: Martin Ritt. And thusly, THE LONG, HOT SUMMER's DVD cover came to feature a rave recommendation seemingly uttered from the lips of its own director!

(And if you dig Faulknerian wordplay, might I direct you toward a piece I wrote for McSweeney's last year called "Winners of the Yoknapatawpha County Spelling Bee, 1929-1940.")

Film Review: DEATH WISH II (1982, Michael Winner)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson, Laurence Fishburne, Anthony Franciosa (TENEBRE), Jill Ireland, soundtrack by Jimmy Page. Produced by Golan and Globus.
Tag-lines: "First His Wife. Now His Daughter. It's Time To Even The Score!"
Best one-liner: "He saved our lives dammit! Where we you, giving out parking tickets?"

I could say, like many have, that this is a bleak, disturbing view of crime-addled humanity on the brink of ruin. Instead, I will say that this is a movie where someone gets shot in the face through a ginormous boom box.

But still, there's a lot to be learned from DEATH WISH II, whether you're a two-bit punk, a film scholar, or something in between.

MYTH: It's worth it to steal Bronson's ice cream money.
FACT: No. Cause Bronson is one of those pacifists that will just look for ANY excuse to kick your ass.


MYTH: "We all look the same to Whitey- he'll never pick you out, Jiver!"
FACT: Not true. And when he gets you, he doesn't even need a one-liner, it's just: "Goodbye."






MYTH: Golan and Globus like dance sequences in gritty movies.



FACT: Golan and Globus love dance sequences in gritty movies.

MYTH: Bronson loves orangutans.
FACT: Score one point for Bronson in the eternal Bronson vs. Eastwood battle- Bronson sneers, then chuckles at a theater marquee playing an EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE double feature. Damn!


MYTH: When Bronson gets hurt, he promptly seeks medical attention.
FACT: He smoothly makes dinner plans with his British ladyfriend (real-life wife Jill Ireland) and hides his arm behind his back as he bleeds out from a ridiculous switchblade gash. After she leaves, he casually dresses it himself and then makes it to dinner, unruffled.

MYTH: When murder and rape are the crimes, only the judicial system may judge.
FACT: Well, according to the trailer, "When murder and rape are the crimes, BRONSON is the only punishment." And that he is. "Do you believe in Jesus?," he inquires of a punk wearing a crucifix. "Yes," replies the wimpering wrongdoer. "Well, you're gonna meet him," intones Bronson before blowing him away. Wow. Four stars. Keep 'em in that little woolen cap that you think functions as a 'vigilante disguise.'

-Sean Gill