Only now does it occur to me... 9 1/2 WEEKS (1986)

Only now does it occur to me... as a filmgoer who had somehow seen every single one of Adrian Lyne's features (from FLASHDANCE to UNFAITHFUL, from FATAL ATTRACTION to FOXES, from JACOB'S LADDER to INDECENT PROPOSAL), that in not having seen 9 1/2 WEEKS until now, I completely missed the beautiful (?) homage to 9 1/2 WEEKS in one of my favorite scenes in TROLL 2 (1990).

To contextualize: the following sublime scene occurs near the end of Claudio Fragasso's TROLL 2,

 (This video has been age-restricted for some unknown reason––if you click on it, skip to 1:44)

wherein witch/goblin queen Creedence Leonore Gielgud (Deborah Reed)  approaches an RV containing errant teen Brent (David McConnell). She appears on his TV, "sexy-dance-walk-stumbling" to a rootin'-tootin' MIDI track while clutching an ear of corn. This lures him outside (where in one of the best diegetic sound reveals in film history, the mix reveals the music as actively "playing" outside the RV), prompting him to let her in. She suggests they "heat... it... up" and they proceed to simultaneously gnaw at the ear of corn, which––when confronted with so much raw sexual energy––begins exploding into popcorn, which is heaved in handfuls upon the pair by bored production assistants.

Obviously, you can understand why this scene rules, with or without context. But it turns out––according to me, anyway––that Claudio Fragasso was paying a specific homage to 9 1/2 WEEKS. In one particular scene, Kim Basinger––who is embroiled in a steamy, weird, gross love affair with a Wall Street wackjob––is performing a striptease for said wackjob (naturally, Mickey Rourke). 

She does some wacky dancing through some blinds, set to Joe Cocker's cover of Randy Newman's "You Can Leave Your Hat On"

 

 

 

which has inexplicably become some kind of striptease anthem despite possessing all the raw sex appeal of an old mattress stained with hotdog water, or a guy attending night school in a mesh shirt. This song was fired from its job as a roadie for George Thorogood. This song eats mothballs, recreationally. It washes its hair with dish soap. It probably owns a black market human skeleton. This song's girlfriend broke up with it because it wouldn't stop singing "Splish Splash I Was Takin' a Bath" every time it showered. This song eats Chef Boyardee cold, straight out of the can.

Anyway, so Kim continues dancing as Mickey Rourke keeps doing his creepy "aw, shucks" bashful serial killer smile...

 

 

uh, got hungry, did you, Mickey? What's that he's shoving into his mouth?

 

 

Popcorn.

And then it clicks––that TROLL 2 MIDI track is the fuckin karaoke track of "You Can Leave Your Hat On!" (The key is slightly different but probably not enough to avoid litigation if somebody actually cared.) And there's popcorn in this scene. Claudio Fragasso probably thought he needed a sexy scene in his goblin movie, and because he's a noted Italotrash plagiarist, he likely watched noted "sexy movie" 9 1/2 WEEKS and thought he'd take all the proper ingredients one needs for a sexy scene and simply reassemble them: gyrating body, Joe Cocker track, popcorn––let's call it a day!

For all of these years, I had been enjoying TROLL 2's inexplicable fusion of rootin'-tootin' MIDI music, corn, and sexy lurching movements without realizing that it was an homage to Adrian Lyne. Beautifully done all around, folks.

Only now does it occur to me... FOXES

Only now does it occur to me...

Okay, three things.

#1.  Continuing the Adrian Lyne rewatch (as previously glimpsed in silly observations on FLASHDANCE, UNFAITHFUL, and INDECENT PROPOSAL), I took a second look at FOXES, a coming-of-age drama that I'd last glimpsed as a youngster, via a library VHS.  It's actually still a solid movie, and well-acted, with fantastic 1980 flourish in the costumes, the random Randy Quaid, the glory of Scott Baio in a tuxedo t-shirt, the likably raw performance of Runaways lead singer Cherie Currie, and the ever-present Giorgio Moroder-produced soundtrack... there's a lot to like here, and the story is told in a way that's unflinching and authentic, making it feel like a definite precursor to "adult" teen fare like FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH.

#2.  An unexpected, super-young, super-nerdy, quasi-villanous performance from a thirteen-year-old Laura Dern!

If I were Donald Gibb in REVENGE OF THE NERDS, I just might say "Nice glasses, neeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!"

#3.  At one point, Cherrie Curie gets picked up while hitchhiking by a couple of leering, lecherous San Fernando Valley swingers who are so caricatured and clearly "evil" that they look they swung straight out of EATING RAOUL.  Now, I don't know if it's because it was late at night, or because I'd had a few drinks already, but it struck me suddenly that the swingers were the exact Bizarro versions of Faye Dunaway and William Shatner.  Amirite?

Well, maybe.  Anyway.  FOXES, ladies and gentlemen!

Only now does it occur to me... LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Only now does it occur to me...  that the Willis vs. Schwarzenegger "rivalry" runs deeper than the EXPENDABLES.

I've followed the semi-fictitious "rivalries" between action stars on this site such as "Bronson vs. Eastwood" and "Schwarzenegger vs. Stallone," rivalries that pop up probably due to the actors being up for the same roles and generally expressing themselves in onscreen, good-natured ribbing and obscure references for the benefit of the diehards (no pun intended).  Being as they'd never really taken the spotlight together, I assumed that the Schwarzenegger vs. Willis jocularity in EXPENDABLES 1 & 2 was manufactured for the series, and befit their "major star in bit part" pairing.   Now, that I stand back and look at it from afar, it seems this "feud" has been brewing for years.

I got to thinking, and began to wonder– John McTiernan made DIE HARD and THE LAST ACTION HERO.  Willis had even worked with Shane Black's writing before on THE LAST BOY SCOUT.  Was Willis jealous that he wasn't 'the Last Action Hero?'  And afterward, when its financial losses became apparent, was Schwarzenegger peeved that it hadn't been Willis in the role?  Did Willis gloat?  That seems like something he would do.  Did Schwarzenegger mock him for his "Bruno" musical career and those Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers ads?  The possibilities are endless.  Of course, that's just speculation.  But look at this:

Willis, Schwarzenegger, and Stallone appearing together on British television in 1993.  Notable for  their spectacular 1993 fashions (for instance, Stallone's Planet Hollywood baggy stonewashed jean vest and Schwarzenegger's Hawaiian shirt that proves that he's actually playing 'himself' in TWINS),

Willis' clear but thinly veiled distaste for the host (Terry Wogan),

Stallone's insistence that he does not deliver one-liners well (ask COBRA about that!), the special presumably drunken appearance by Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith,

 Wogan's creepy request that Willis show off his left breast

as well as Wogan forcing him to awkwardly talk about INDECENT PROPOSAL in terms of Demi Moore and his personal life, and finally the simultaneously childlike and depraved way Arnold's eyes light up when INDECENT PROPOSAL is discussed, as if the idea of asking a woman to sleep with him for a million dollars is just then hatching in his mind.

In short, this is magnificent.

Anyway, now knowing that their friendship and rivalry has existed for many years, that brings me to the actual point of this entry.  Which is that in LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD, Bruce Willis (while protecting Justin Long from the bad guys)




takes out a TERMINATOR (figurine) as collateral damage and smirks about it!  If that ain't a shot across the bow, I don't know what is!


As a side note, I only rewatched LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD (4) in order to pump myself up for seeing A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD (5) in theaters.  Though not horrible, seeing DIE HARD 4 again sufficiently disheartened me to the extent that I think I'm gonna wait on 5 for DVD.  Ah, well.

Only now does it occur to me... UNFAITHFUL

Only now does it occur to me...  Balloon Saloon!  Allow me to explain. 
So I've been on a Adrian Lyne rewatch kick and I finally got around to watching UNFAITHFUL, his surprisingly faithful (no joke intended) remake of Claude Chabrol's 1969 film, THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE.  I enjoyed it quite a bit, and the performances– particularly by Diane Lane and Richard Gere (the AMERICAN GIGOLO himself playing the cuckold in a piece of genius casting)– are incredibly in tune with one another, and subtle even in the midst of scenes that nearly ring "soap opera." 
The film begins with Diane Lane exiting a shop and entering a windstorm of Biblical proportions– or at least Bugs Bunny cartoon proportions.  She is hefted to and fro by the winds until she melodramatically meets a dangerously handsome Frenchman whereupon the titular unfaithfulness is set into motion.  Let me back up a moment– about that shop:

 It is a balloon saloon.

 
 


And I guarantee you this is the only time in film you will see Diane Lane battered about by giant balloon dinosaurs and zebras.



Even better, I recognized the balloon saloon from semi-frequent trips to Tribeca.
 
 Imagine it!  A bar where you can get balloons as well!  Alas, my dreams were dashed when I entered the establishment and discovered that it was simply a party center.  I craned my neck to look behind the counter with the helium tanks and the ribbon cutting station, hoping to spy a glimpse of a lonely tap of "Balloon Saloon Lager," but there was no such luck.  I'm still holding out hope that there's a back room speakeasy, accessible by password, which contains a portal to the clown bar from SHAKES THE CLOWN.  We can all dream, can't we?

By the way, J.D. over at Radiator Heaven did a great writeup on this film some time ago, too, if you want to read an informed opinion on something other than the Balloon Saloon.

Only now does it occur to me... INDECENT PROPOSAL

Only now does it occur to me... that my favorite part of INDECENT PROPOSAL may very well be the brief, incredibly ill-advised flashback whereupon the thirty-one year old Demi Moore and the thirty-two year old Woody Harrelson are depicted as high school students.

Please bear in mind that this film is in no way intended to be a comedy.  

Adrian Lyne films generally fall into two camps:  Camp A:  slick, well-acted, extremely sincere fare (FLASHDANCE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, 9 1/2 WEEKS, FATAL ATTRACTION) that's designed as erotica Oscar bait but ends up in hindsight possessing uncommonly well-crafted unintentional hilarity.  Camp B:  JACOB'S LADDER.  And don't get me wrong: I love Adrian Lyne, just occasionally for the wrong reasons.  He's sort of an unsung 80s/90s commercial auteur, perhaps comparable to a Philip Noyce or an Alan Parker or, on his best days, a Philip Kaufman.  I'm also kind of excited to see that Lyne has his first film in a decade coming out next year, BACK ROADS.

Film Review: FLASHDANCE (1983, Adrian Lyne)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 95 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Jennifer Beals, Michael Nouri (who never really went anywhere else except for THE HIDDEN with Clu Gulager), Joe Eszterhas (co-writing here), Joe "Bean" Esposito with his smash hit "Lady Lady Lady," Giorgio Moroder, Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson, Laura Branigan, Irene Cara, Karen Kamon, Michael Sembello (and his seminal song "Maniac," Donna Summer, and Shandi.

Tag-line: "Something happens when she hears the music...it's her freedom. It's her fire. It's her life."

Best one-liner(s): "I'll bring him a doggy bag if you'll have dinner with me." "I told you, I don't think it's a good idea to go out with the boss." "Okay. Have it your way. You're fired. I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight."

"Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night, lookin' for the fight of her life...in the real-time world no one sees her at all, they all say she's cra-ay-zy..." This tale of a high-steppin', leg-warmer wearin' welder who aspires to something greater will dance its way into your heart, leave you limp with excitement, and then when you're sitting there- all sweaty and out of breath- it's gonna pour a bucket of water all over you, just because it can.

I haven't seen the camera linger on pulsating, perspiring, toned bodies this much since PERFECT. Or at least since RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II. I think the thing I love the most is the fact that these blue-collar, Budweiser-swiggin' factory Joes congregate nightly at a club with acts that combine neo-avant-garde dance, makeup and glitter that belong on Klaus Nomi,

and costumes straight from 80's Milan Fashion Week (watch for inappropriate use of an umpire's mask during "Manhunt"),

which, of course, all go really well with beer nuts and men who'd rather be committing hate crimes.

The film is produced by action/adventure legend Jerry Bruckheimer and helmed by director Adrian Lyne (9 1/2 WEEKS, FOXES), who really knows how to hammer out a solid relationship drama. The end result is a very likable movie with likable leads that has enough ridiculous dance scenes to cement its mainstream AND cult statuses. This of course all leads to an amazing denouement where Jennifer Beals gets to strut her stuff before the stodgy board of an elite ballet academy. Needless to say, she pulls out some moves that, though they may induce spit-takes in the viewer, get those pencil-necked admissions reps' toes a-tappin.' Would anyone like to place bets on whether or not it ends on a freeze frame? What a feeling, indeed.

-Sean Gill

COMING SOON: Two addenda to this review, analyzing the postmodern reverberations FLASHDANCE caused with Lucio Fulci's 1984 MURDERROCK and then David A. Prior's 1986 KILLER WORKOUT.