snapshot saturday 2015

itty bitty snippets of my life

Feb 1-7

 

  Dr Phil and diet coke...pushing the editing but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!  01.02.2015 #myLife2015

 

 I am not even going to say it....but they are all dressed if you are wondering...02.02.2015 #myLife2015

 I don't think we have ever had this much snow outside our front window before....#2015BlizzardTheSequel 03.02.2015

 

 The plow!  We have a lane!  And a filled in driveway again.  04.02.2015

It came!  It came!  Volume one came today! #chatbooks 05.02.2015 #bestsixninetyfiveieverspent ♡♡♡ #myLife2015 use my code PUJPJXYX and get your own!!

 Awwwww...dad....take me too! I can help shovel!  :)
06.02.2015

 It's OK cause it's Saturday.  07.02.2015 #myLife2015

#ThisLife

I have been taking a photo-a-day
since Jan 1
with no expectations on myself.

They do not have to be perfect,
they do not even have to be pretty...
they just have to be a quick snapshot of my day,
a moment where i stop
and notice what is going on around me.

It has been a good exercise for me so far...

here are some of the recent snaps...

 i like that i have been using my phone
(which is always on me)
and using instagram
but i kind of regret that i started putting them on facebook
from the start.
because...i censor myself on facebook a little more than i do
on instagram and much more than i do here.
i feel like if you are on instagram,
you get it.
i feel more...judged...on facebook...
i am not sure why that it is,
but...
it is.
it is what it is.
and maybe because i know that this little blog is not overly read
and not by many that i actually "know"...
maybe that's the difference.

either way, i am enjoying the project so far...
:)

7:30 on a sunday night

the pug is sleeping in the basket beside me
one boy upstairs playing minecraft
the bigger one behind me doing homework
my girl finished her shift at work and is
hanging out at the boyfriend's...
classical music plays on 8 tracks
{is it weird that i am so drawn by the titles and the photos they choose
before i even look at the music they have listed}
the weekend is ending.

i'm not really ready.

i didn't do laundry.
but we made lasagna
and ate it with salads
that had perfect blackberries
and slivered almonds.

i didn't finish everything on my to do list
but i did finish one book
and started another...
i could not put it down.
i read til 1 am.

we watched movies
and talked about making salads in jars.
we visited my brother
i texted my mother.

it was warm enough out
to put on my daughter's leggings
and my son's orange hoodie
with my pink and purple rubber boots
(i am a fashion statement at the best of times)
and walk around a block (or 3)
with the pug.

it was a good weekend.
i'm not ready for it to end.

Snippets of a Saturday

So far, the word balance has been working for me.
I have been making a point of planning out my day
and ensuring that i incorporate a little of what i HAVE to do
in with
some of what i WANT to do.

i feel calmer and quieter. 
my mind still races...but the anxiety is less...
because i know i have a start on the things that have been
on my plate for far too long.

i am getting at the stuff that i have put off
until the point that it was nothing short of overwhelming
to even think about it
so i wouldn't even think about it
except in moments of major panic and anxiety.

but i am also making time to stop what i'm doing when the kids come in,
to really listen to them...to their stories...their opinions.

to go grocery shopping with S, planning out meals as we wander up and down aisles,
not in a hurry, making jokes and stopping every now and then for a quick kiss on the forehead.

to take Pugsley out for a run down the middle of our street in the dark of early night,
laughing out loud and hard at how excited he is to be back outside after a cold snap, how he skids on an unexpected patch of ice.

to cuddle on the couch in the evening after work & editing & catch up tasks & housework is done...
to watch a movie with S... under blankets, hands touching, Pugsley wedged on a lap, the cat sometimes gracing us with his presence, too.

to take photos with my phone and to read on my lunch hour...

i am making the time count.  and, so far, it has been working.
the only thing is, this is also my period of down time...
the weddings have all been shot and for the most part, edited...
it is too cold out for family photos...
it will be interesting to see how balance comes into play
once the crazy spiral of wedding season starts again...
but this gives me a chance to have the practice down pat.

time will tell.

This Life::Project 365

So.

I have not completely hammered out my resolutions yet
but I have a vague idea of what they will look like.
I do know that I want to take more photos this year,
more photos of my own life, my family, my kids, my world...
I feel like I have been caught up in a vortex of weddings
and capturing other people's families...
which then makes me NOT want to pick up the camera on my own time.

that has to change.
I know I said it before but this time, I really, really mean it.
I want to find that escape that a camera used to give me.

A huge part of why I was reluctant before to snap photos
on my own time was the hassle of bringing out my dslr...
and the fear of what if something happens to it...
I need it for the weddings already booked...

but now that I have my new phone
(which is a Note 2 and I love it even if it is only 8 mp)
(and I am totally not being sponsored to say that, hahaha)
and a 32 gig sd card
I am ready to try this again.
I am not going to overthink it.
I am just going to use my phone and various camera apps
to make sure I find a moment in my day to
take at least one photo to capture
#ThisLife
my life....my moments...my family...my world.

you can check out my facebook page or flickr page or instagram to see more, if you want...
here's hoping i can keep the momentum up!
:)

sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.

what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking
is
beleif
in
myself.

sunday and i am in love...

~the sound of the dryer...13 playing with the cat...S watching a movie

~the way the afternoon sun shines through the bamboo blinds leaving patterns
on the orange and yellow walls

~french vanilla cappuccino

~deep browns, dark oranges, butter yellow

~new christmas scrapbook paper

~thinking about taking a long hot bath...candles...

~an invitation to join a writing group...and a strong spark of excitement
that i have not felt in a long time.

here.

i am trying to ground myself this morning
on a dark, rainy saturday
where the house is messy
and the dishes are cluttered and undone.
bagpipe christmas music playing
to try to calm my fraying nerves.
last minute editing knowing that i won't have time later
as my boy is in the Christmas parade 45 minutes away
and we try to shop for Christmas
but my heart just isn't in it yet.

i feel like there is too much going
so many loose ends flapping around in the wind...
weddings not done yet,
money coming in but never enough...
i feel like everything is blowing around
and
i can't
catch it
all
and hold it
at once...
i grasp bits and pieces
but enough
to make the picture whole
for more than a moment or two.

i won that spot in the photography course
but can't even find time to read the information
much less get near my camera.

i'm running on empty.

hyperventilating and trying to remind myself to calm the fuck down.

things are getting better, things are getting better, things are getting better...
but sometimes i think maybe that is the irony in it all,
things are getting better and then i start worrying about the things that are
no longer in my control...S can drive now, i should be happy
but i worry about him out on his own, what if someone comes too close
and hits his cane, his leg is still so fragile and unstable...
i worry and i worry and i worry.

i need to let go.
chill out.
calm down.

it will all come together.  you just had a busy week and now things have fallen behind.
when the house is cluttered, you get stressed...that is all that this is.

wow.
this is not what i meant to write here today.
but part of me thinks that if i don't start just coming here
and writing...it will never happen.
and i feel better now.
:)

snapshot of my life....{without a photo}

outside my front door
sits two little seats...
today they are perched on my front door step
and look like movie theatre seats
turned just slightly to the right
for the best view
of the street.

{they once belonged to a ski boat}

every morning
i wake up and find them
in a different spot
but always together...
my boy takes them all over the yard
and sits with a friend
giggling over things
only a ten year old boy
could understand...