today i will

• take a walk because the sun is shining and i don't want to miss it
• make a list of all the things that need to be done
• tidy up my studio so i start using it again!

• finish editing the family photos
• keep cleaning out the last 3 years worth of photos that are sitting in my computer right now as both originals and edits and taking up valuable much needed space
• make a meal plan for this week
• finish the laundry
• find some time to read at least a little more of this book...which i was totally surprised that i could not put down...so good

•  take one photo
• put chicken in slow cooker for sandwiches this week
• at least 15 minutes of yoga
• daydream about last summer by looking at the photos i posted here today. 

now...i had better get busy :)

grounded

i am sensing a theme
today
showing up
happenstance
through my day
calling to me,
waiting for me to notice that it has been following me like a shadow
if i would just
pay
attention.

and oddly enough,
that's what it is...
it feels like something is trying to tell me
to slow down,
to pay attention.
to stop rushing the day by, the hours by, the seconds by...
{they will go by fast enough on their own}.

i woke up this morning to snow
so heavy on the tree branches
and a muffled almost silent world,
everything tinged blue.

and even though my normal routine is to rush, rush, rush out the door
this morning
i had to stop
and get my camera and
document the wonderment of this sudden silent snowfall.

typical rotten monday things happened
but then i came home and this was in my inbox

i went to yoga
and the instructor told us about breathing
about slowing down
about grounding yourself
and, although i am sure she tells us that every time,
this time,
i seemed to really hear it.

i came home and ate a salad slowly
by myself
without the tv on
only music in the background
and a little bit of lamplight...

i stopped in to lose myself
for a moment
in the vast internet
and opened a page to read this and
almost looked over my shoulder to see if
someone was stalking me, following me, waiting for me
to finally
get
it.

and i love, love, love what she says
about her yoga instructor
who said
"forget next and remember now".

forget next and remember now.

sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.

what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking
is
beleif
in
myself.

here.

i am trying to ground myself this morning
on a dark, rainy saturday
where the house is messy
and the dishes are cluttered and undone.
bagpipe christmas music playing
to try to calm my fraying nerves.
last minute editing knowing that i won't have time later
as my boy is in the Christmas parade 45 minutes away
and we try to shop for Christmas
but my heart just isn't in it yet.

i feel like there is too much going
so many loose ends flapping around in the wind...
weddings not done yet,
money coming in but never enough...
i feel like everything is blowing around
and
i can't
catch it
all
and hold it
at once...
i grasp bits and pieces
but enough
to make the picture whole
for more than a moment or two.

i won that spot in the photography course
but can't even find time to read the information
much less get near my camera.

i'm running on empty.

hyperventilating and trying to remind myself to calm the fuck down.

things are getting better, things are getting better, things are getting better...
but sometimes i think maybe that is the irony in it all,
things are getting better and then i start worrying about the things that are
no longer in my control...S can drive now, i should be happy
but i worry about him out on his own, what if someone comes too close
and hits his cane, his leg is still so fragile and unstable...
i worry and i worry and i worry.

i need to let go.
chill out.
calm down.

it will all come together.  you just had a busy week and now things have fallen behind.
when the house is cluttered, you get stressed...that is all that this is.

wow.
this is not what i meant to write here today.
but part of me thinks that if i don't start just coming here
and writing...it will never happen.
and i feel better now.
:)

stream of conciousness and realizations...

i have never been a sad person.
never down in the dumps for long,
never depressed,
always easy going and looking for the silver lining.

but lately.

lately
i don't know what is wrong with me.

i'm down.
i'm lethargic.
i'm sad.
i'm blue.
i'm empty.
i'm doubting myself.

and today
i forced myself to get up off the couch
and read a little of
writing down the bones
which inspired me to pick up a pen
and in doing so,
i think i may have come to some realizations.

i think the photography business
impacted me much more than i ever realized.
i think that, while i enjoyed doing it last summer,
and while i loved the attention my photos were getting,
i also got scared.

i'm not good with expectations, with judgements,
with deadlines and guidelines and restrictions.
it makes me shut down.
it makes me not want to do it anymore.

and to be honest, with my new job, i really don't have time
to do it anymore like i was...
which doesn't mean i don't want to do it anymore,
i just want to cut back which i thought would make me
happy because it would mean that i could pick and choose
what i wanted to do. i could charge what i want...or nothing
if i want. i could let go and just do it for me without the restraints
of "doing it for a living".

but what sucker punched me
is this strong permeating feeling of
failure
that i am feeling.
of not being good enough.
of not making it.
{even though it was my choice to slow down.}
but i feel guilt, shame, embarrassed
and i have not picked up my camera in months.

this is what i need to come to terms with.
this has been MY choice. i didn't fail.
i CHOSE this route, this way, this path.
i chose it.
i have to let go of whatever bad feelings about this
that have been dragging me down
because they
are
sucking
the life
out of me.

and secondly.
i stopped writing here. i stopped writing period.
i stopped the morning pages. i stopped scribbling.
i stopped reading blogs because everything i read
made me feel inadequate and reiterated that i was not
able to do it all.
but i realize...i need to write.
and i need to write here.
and i need feedback from people who may have some sense
of what i am talking about, i need to be able to spew and vent
and release without censoring my words for fear that
those that "know" me will think i am losing my mind.

i don't need someone to fix me,
but i do need somewhere to drop the pretenses,
to let down the safety guards
and open the floodgates...
and i need to find my way back to where i was...
when everything was fun
and possible
and bright and ideas made me happy.

things i'm looking forward to::a list

~starting this book today
~daylight savings time
~longer days
~sunshine
~warm weather
~barefeet
~finding my creative cycle again
~finding energy again
~bedtime
~starting this book this month
~finding time for me

as i wrote this without thinking, without planning
i can see two themes here.
one::i am tired of winter
two::i am tired of running in circles and need to make
some time for myself again...i can feel it my bones,
in my posture, in my belly...i am craving something
all the time but can't put a name on what it is...
i am losing myself in all the busyness...

i need to force myself to slow down,
i need to pump the brakes.
to take a breath.
and find a way to release it.

coming to the page saturday...

dark saturday morning
heavy still
even after pelting rain through the night
waking me in a panic feeling
fierce and loud...
comforting kids at 5 am
scared the power might go out...
now i'm tired and dizzy
not looking forward to the wedding this afternoon,
not looking forward to work,
wishing that i could just crawl
back into bed
and wait
for the sun
to come back
again.

coming to the page on a saturday...

i doubt you want to follow my stream {of consciousness}
today
as it eddys over now-familiar-once-foreign
sad and lonely terrain...
i should be sun-baked happy,
i should be ...

instead i am disheartened
and wondering...
puzzled and sullen...
worried
quiet
still.

waiting for the tide to come in
and sweep it all away...
waiting for time to pass,
waiting for a new day.

coming to the page saturday...

saturday morning again,
grey and cloudy and promising rain...
i sit in front of the computer screen
blank and quiet...
present and accounted for...
waiting for words to bubble over,
to froth, to spew.

and yet they sit...they remain...
they simmer and stew.
there is no mad explosion,
there are only dribs and drabs,
a fragment, a clause, a broken paragraph....
structure with no story,
a picture with no view.

stream of conscious saturday

coming to the page, just going to write,
not really going to think,
just going to type and see what comes up...
see what comes out...no breaks, no breath...
just to see where this goes...so far, it seems to be going
around in circles...
cloudy day...already got my walk in
and the garden watered...not happy about the slug
infestation...gross...so slimy and fat...
ick...ate all of the lettuce...not that i really care about the lettuce
but don't touch the tomatoes...
and when are the string beans going to come...
they are making me nervous.

seems like a good place to end.

stream of conscious saturday...

april 2008 031, originally uploaded by gkgirl.

a walk to work-silent sun in my eyes
words bouncing + tumbling
ideas forming + shaping
shifting + evolving
i can't keep up
with my own pace
blue sky above the green of the trees
time
endless
blows me away
stream of consciousness in a
quiet office
scribble scrabble sketchy etchings
of a 20 minute walk
a foray into my mind

i think this might be my new saturday thing for a bit...
to just come to the page,
write pell mell and happenstance.
see where it takes me
on a stream of consciousness saturday