sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.

what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking
is
beleif
in
myself.

open letter to jian ghomeshi {host of Q on CBC}

 originally sent by facebook message to the Q facebook page but i believe there must be some sort of firewall 
conspiracy that is blocking him from reading my witty yet earnest message and that's why i have not had a reply...
yet...(notice the hopeful "yet").

 hey there...
you don't know me...obviously....
well...you did meet me once back in the days of moxy fruvous
at the barn at upei where i was the coat check girl
and was mad that i wasn't able to see you guys play
because i had to sell the tickets but you guys all gave me hug after the show.
anyway.
not where i was going with this message.
{was really just trying to keep this from getting automatically deleted}
not that i think you guys would do that...
but still.
so.
anyway.

i write a blog and take photos of toys and shoot weddings and whatever
and a couple of years ago, i wrote a list of of things i want to accomplish in this lifetime.
a....bucket list of sorts...only i called it a mondo beyondo of grande proportions
(not totally my name...it was inspired by someone else)
http://itsacanadiangeek.blogspot.ca/2009/10/list-of-wishes.html
anyway.
one of the things on my list
was to someday be interviewed on Q
by Jian Ghomeshi.
{#28 to be precise}
so.

what exactly would i have to do to make that happen?

i want to write a book about the weird things that have happened to me...
would that help?
{ie...i once rode an elephant bareback through the McDonald's drive thru...i kid you not.}
{i have a tattoo of the grinch on my ankle}
{i craved the smell of permanent marker when i was pregnant}
i attract weirdness. it's a known fact.
so.
anyway.

i also chose BRAVE as my word for the year.
so i am being BRAVE and sending you this message to see what you think...
you can check me out
here
http://itsacanadiangeek.blogspot.ca/
and/or here https://www.facebook.com/ArleneGiddingsPhotography
and i have been interviewed before....twice...
by local papers after an art show i did...
and i thoroughly embarrassed myself
by talking too much and telling them i wanted to knit a robot.
http://www.theguardian.pe.ca/Arts/2012-03-16/article-2929053/Telling-a-story/1
see how much fun this could be?
oh.
and i totally enjoy your show.
{hence the desire to be on it someday...sigh...to say i had been interviewed by the same person who was in a band that sang green eggs and ham
AND interviewed leonard cohen...that's big, man. big.}
thanks for reading...

what do you think...do i stand a chance?