This Life::Project 365

So.

I have not completely hammered out my resolutions yet
but I have a vague idea of what they will look like.
I do know that I want to take more photos this year,
more photos of my own life, my family, my kids, my world...
I feel like I have been caught up in a vortex of weddings
and capturing other people's families...
which then makes me NOT want to pick up the camera on my own time.

that has to change.
I know I said it before but this time, I really, really mean it.
I want to find that escape that a camera used to give me.

A huge part of why I was reluctant before to snap photos
on my own time was the hassle of bringing out my dslr...
and the fear of what if something happens to it...
I need it for the weddings already booked...

but now that I have my new phone
(which is a Note 2 and I love it even if it is only 8 mp)
(and I am totally not being sponsored to say that, hahaha)
and a 32 gig sd card
I am ready to try this again.
I am not going to overthink it.
I am just going to use my phone and various camera apps
to make sure I find a moment in my day to
take at least one photo to capture
#ThisLife
my life....my moments...my family...my world.

you can check out my facebook page or flickr page or instagram to see more, if you want...
here's hoping i can keep the momentum up!
:)

monday morning pages::snippets

a blurb from the writing exercises::
prompt:  flesh

Her hands were getting so old looking.
They were marked with the cracks and creases of someone
who had seen more than their share of time.  And yet, still she remained.

He was gone.  They were gone.  The babies were grown up and 
carried babies of their own.  And yet, still she remained.

Some days, she just sat on the couch in the pale sunlight
and stared at her own two hands.  At the ring he gave her so long ago,
that day that they stood in the tiny whitewashed church up west, neither his nor
her church, but a church that would marry them nonetheless.  
She wore her sister's wedding gown (that wedding would soon fail but no
one would admit that they knew it at the time) and the priest got her name wrong.
They had no money for flowers but for the bluebells he stole from the 
neighbor's yard that morning.  They were still wet with dew when he pressed
them into her hand.

But still, when he called them man and wife, her heart opened like a thousand suns
bursting out of her chest.  She could barely contain herself, constrain herself, restrain herself
from twirling, from dancing, from kissing him harder than hard in the church of someone else's God
now that he was truly, really and deeply, hers.

And now he is gone.

Flesh from flesh, bone from bone.  Memory from memory.  Dustmotes dancing in pale
sunlight and the creases in her hands telling her story after story.  This is how she spent
her days now.

oh...and a new haircut...hello bangs...i have missed you...

 

sunday and i am lost again....

lost again in other people's words
and other people's photos
other people's art
other people's ideas
and why can't i stop
my own brain from whirring like a top
spinning like race car tires
stuck in slush and mediocrity.
and snap into focus
my own god damned life.

what am i doing?

i think i am filling the well
(i tell myself this...i promise it to me)
but really
i think i am procrastinating
i am afraid
i have lost my confidence
i have lost my brave
{before i even owned, i lost it}

so i make myself come to the page
and just write.
don't censor.
don't fear.
just write.
{i fear sometimes that i am losing my voice...
i fear sometimes that when i find it again, i won't even recognize it,
was it ever mine?}

i know if i look back on this blog,
i will see a sad refrain.
full of can i?  can i?
where is the i can.
but instead i whimper and sigh
and feel i don't have enough time
but really, i have all the time in the world
what i am lacking
is
beleif
in
myself.

little bits of saturday sweetness and strains of melancholy

today i slept in...
late.

really late.

and i can't seem to shake this melancholy feeling
of just letting the day
pass me by
while listening to
this {i will never tire of damian rice)
and
eating cold cereal

{remembering mismatched dreams of fighting and fears
and unexpected flashes of tenderness...}

i have to go to yoga in an hour
and out to supper in two hours

i just can't seem to get myself going.

instead i get lost in videos like this
soulpancake ball pit on the street
and wonder what my answers would be,
if i had the courage to get in the pit in the first place.

and absorbed in freckles

and wishing i had time to go find the canada geese

i'm a little lost today.
quiet and quiet...inside and out.

wordless wednesday....

the last of my snow photos...

i am barely awake
in my husband's housecoat
and barefeet


i sit before a flickering screen
and wait
for words to emerge


this week has been very full and busy
in good ways
but i am starting to think
i can't keep going at this speed...
not the way i'm doing it...
fueling myself on cinnamon rolls
and can after can of diet coke
no water, no healthy food
not sleeping enough...
and i haven't been on the treadmill in a week
{although i did take my camera for a walk wednesday night,
that's gotta count for something?}

oh.
and any suggestions for music?
i LOVE the she and him cd
which i just got and have been playing non-stop...
i'm open to trying just about anything.

{i just realized that there is a NEW she and him cd,
yay!! and did you see the cover...how sssssweeettt is that?
sigh...}

wordless wednesday...

images for today...

i went for a drive the other day
to check out a wedding location
and took a wrong turn...
but look where i ended up...
golden hayfield,
hidden churches
and the perfect little red building
with 2 window holes in the roof...

all from a wrong turn.

i need to do this more often, i think.

snapshot saturday...

school comes to an end...

the kids school year
ends this week...
13 is done today,
9 is done on thursday...

no more lunch crisis's
no more homework....
no early morning band
or waking 9 three times because
he is a night owl...

instead,
they will be home...
with me.
hmmmmm....
this is the first summer that
i have not been working...
what to do with all our free time?
especially when they are hitting the age
that hanging out with mom
is just. not. that. cool.
:O)

etsy update...

orange lights me up...
it brightens my day.

invariably, i am almost always drawn to it
whether i plan it or not.

i dress my kids in it, i painted my house in it
and last saturday, i spent the day in the backyard
just me, my camera and bowlful of sunshine.

orange is the happiest color...
that's what frank says.

more of the clementine series here and
available to purchase here...

the first session...

these were some of the best shots out of the
total number taken...
i was pretty pleased with how they came out
and have been receiving a fantastic amount
of feedback and interest...

which is both exciting
and
a little scary...

i want to leap into this
but feel little tiny threads of doubt
and worry and areyousureyou'regoodenough?
holding me back...

so far, i feel like i have been snipping away
one thread at a time
taking it slow
free photo sessions,
using a free website template,
careful not to invest too much

but part of me
wants to
break free...
wants to go big...
wants to believe that i could be good at this...
wants to believe in me...

and exhale....

poetry month is over....
and while i can't say that i didn't enjoy it,
i can say that i found it extremely hard this month...

the words just wouldn't come.

and i have so much going on lately
with the photography side of my life
that i feel that might have been crowding out
everything else...
but i'm glad that i tried and i want to keep trying
to write...i enjoy writing and don't want to replace
one thing with another...i think the pressure of
posting one thing every day was shutting me down...

so...the photo show is over...but here are some
pictures of the pictures...

getting ready...

my first "showing" of any kind
happens the first of april...
i'm getting a little nervous.

i went to see the space on saturday...
it is small and homey
and i like it.
there is currently an art exhibit there,
a collaboration of paintings by two women...
and next...is me.

i still find it hard to wrap my head around that.

i chose to call my collection
"in her 38th year"
as it is what it is...a collection
of images i have taken in my 38th year...
my first year of taking that real step...
of taking myself seriously.

ice, ice, baby...{it had to be said}

expect many ice photos to follow for the next little bit.

that's what i've been doing...
along with journalling,
working,
driving back and forth to work
{taking new routes so i can find new ice},
cuddling with S,
worrying about the strange noises
my furnace is making,
listening to the kids discuss career day
and plans for the future
and
counting down
the days
til spring...

today's reality (so different from yesterday's daydream)

ice storm two nights ago...
200 pictures today
and planning on taking more tomorrow...

devastatingly beautiful....