Kawan TTC i forward this message @ my wassap last week. A letter written by a lady who failed her IVF. Lepas baca, i terus rasa... yes... that was the same feeling that i felt after my IVFs failure, Despite the grief and sadness of failed IVF, there was a sense of gratefulness for having to experience being 'preggy' even though for only 11 days. Here goes the letter .... To our little embryos, the ones that failed to implant after our IVF transfer: I wish I knew why things work out the way they do, but I don’t. I don’t know why you didn’t stick around (literally) the way I hoped and prayed you would. I don’t know why our IVF transfer failed, why you didn’t grow into the beautiful little babies I imagined you could have been. I don’t know why I’ll never get to hear your hearts beat, feel your tiny feet kick, or swell with your growing life inside of me. I don’t know why you weren’t meant to become my children. I don’t know why the children I already have won’t get to call y...

Setelah ditimbang tara, we have decided that we will postpond our 3rd IVF next year. Huhuhuhu... lambat kan? X apa la.... banyak faktor yg both of us considered until we reached such decision. Antaranya, sbb my eggs. Based on last ivf, my eggs was one of the factor contributing to the failure of last treatment. I did asked the embryologist n doc how can i improve my egg condition? They said, lifestle change. Amalkan gaya hidup sihat. And i know that egg cycle is 90 days...Pastu pose, raya, year end.... so next year is the best time. In the meantime, boleh la i meneruskan my 90 days challenge. Turunkan sikit demi sedikit berat bdn i ni, until i reach healthy BMI.  Yg atas ni, are all the injection that i took during my 2nd ivf. Actually ada lagi gonal syringe yg x masuk. Plus 2-3 syringe yg amik kt spital which were disposed by the nurse. Hopefully with the time that i have now, i boleh buat perubahan positive to my lifestyle n for my 3rd ivf, i won't need to have that ma...

Tengah siap2 nk solat maghrib.... ops.... owh... AF has shown herself. Officially CD 1. Game over. Life must goes on. To schedule visit to gynea on CD 3 n discuss new strategy (huhuhuhu....mcm nk berperang je...). p/s: pecah rekod satu hari 2 entry.... mmmm....rasa mcm nk 'retail theraphy' la... huhuhu.....

This entry is for my future reference.... Next time if u should ever need to do beta hcg blood test following ivf procedure, pls request 2 sets of blood test form. By doing this, you don't have to wait for the nurse to inform your doctor for the form and resulting in more and more waiting. Once u got the form, u don't even have to go to doctor's clinic. You can pay directly at the lab, after the blood is withdrawn. Believe me...u'll save a lot of your time :-)

Orang kata, pengalaman mematangkan pemikiran. Tapi x de sapa pun bgtau yg walau berapa banyak pun pengalaman yg ada, rasa sakit and sedih tu sama je.... tak berkurang...cuma mungkin sbb semakin matang, dapat diterima juga walau masih diiring dengan esak dan tangis. I went for blood test yesterday and it came back negative. This time around, lepas dpt the phone call, i just sit down. Hubby was sitting next to me. And when he asked i just said x pregnant, embryo tak lekat. Then i senyap. Everything sinked in. I was trying to control my emotion. Little by little, my tears start turun. All this while i x ckp sepatah pun. Cuma nafas turun naik menahan tangis. Until my hubby hug me, baru lah i meraung. Oh God... tewas jugak i ngan my emotion. My hubby said its ok, rezeki Allah yg tentukan... Bukan rezeki kita kali ni. I just cry and cry and cry. But this time around, i don't need 2 hours before i stop crying. Entah... setengah jam je kot. Lps nangis mcm org gila tu, i dah boleh con...

Skang tgh pkol 4.01 am. Terbangun pkol 3.05 am tadik... nk terkucil. Ujan tengah lebat tadik. Siap petir guruh sumer... lps pi toilet, terus mata nih x leh lelap.... terkebil kebil bijik mata nih dlm gelap. Hubby syok je berdengkur kt sblh nih... Ke sbb siang tadik puas tido eh? Aktiviti i sepanjang 2WW - tido. ye..... tido memenuhi separuh aktiviti harian i. Kadang tu bukan sengaja (eh?). Jadual pemakaian ubat i ye lah pkol 7.30 am, pkol 3.30 pm and last 11.30 pm. And since ubat tu kena pakai ikut 'bawah' (additional progesterone supplement) so haruslah i berbaring sekitar sejam dua lps memakai ubat tu... bila dah baring.... apa lagik... kompem la tidur kan.... huhuhuhu... (tapi dh banyak tido pun apsal x tambah cantik gak eh? Muahahahaha... beauty sleep.... get it? Lawak tak jadi...abaikan). Selain dari tido, ye lah aktiviti surfing... of course la surf internet...takkn la surfing kt pantai kot kn... i blogwalking semua blog yg i follow, cuma x banyak tinggal jejak i.e ko...

During this 2WW, i mencari hikmah di sebalik dugaan yang Allah beri. Berbekalkn kata kata mutiara seorang sahabat (u know who u r), i mula research internet on the topic that i need to understand. Kata mutiara sahabat i "Kita percaya pada Allah, tapi kita x yakin dengan Dia". Benarkah? Persoalan ini benar benar membuka mata dan hati i untuk bermuhasabah diri.... Rasa seperti satu tamparan hebat bilamana i menyedari sesuatu... Apabila usai berdoa, kadang2 terlintas di hati ini "Apakah Allah akan menerima doaku?"... Astaghfirullahalazim.... Ampuni aku ya Allah.... betapa berdosanya diri ini kerana tidak yakin Engkau akan menerima doaku... Dari Abu Hurairah Radiallahuanhu, beliau mendengar Rasulullah S.A.W berkata : Bahawasanya Allah telah berfirman "Aku sesuai dengan persangkaan hamba pada Ku" (hadis qudsi). Wahai diri yg hina ini, bersangka baiklah dengan Allah! Allah akan memberi ampun, jika keampunan yang kau pinta.... Allah akan beri kebahagiaa...

Untuk kesekian kalinya, hati ini tidak akan sama sekali merasa tenang sepanjang menunggu keputusan persenyawaan. Memang benar, penantian itu satu penyiksaan. And being in the unknown make you restless. On the other side of the coin, it also teaches you bagaimana sebenarnya rasa/keadaan bergantung harap hanya kepada Yang Maha Esa. Mahu atau tidak, berhati-hati atau apa yg i gelarkn 'cautiously positive'; harapan menggunung itu tetap ada. I can't help it. Setiap kali berdoa padaNya, setiap kali itulah i berharap ada Ihsan dariNya memperkenankan doa i. Honestly, this is a very emotional journey. Along the way, memang confirm there will be tears being shed and heart that might be broken. Am trying to be strong, and sometimes i wonder whether i will make it to the end. Prayers, doa... itu sahaja yg i mampu lakukan bila dah sampai stage ni. Doa semoga ada embrio yang survive sehingga menjadi blastocyst, doa semoga semua blastocyst tu selamat dimasukkn semula ke dalam rahim....

Short update. Ovum pick up yesterday. Doc yet to update anything. Will share later. skang ni dah kt umah, just berehat n tido, recuperating.... till then. kat spital masa tgh tunggu nk masuk OT.

Hahaha...tajuk tak buleh blah.... No I tak kena tembak ya.... Sila baca cerita hari jumaat i sehingga habis... Hari Jumaat, penghulu segala hari. During lunch hour, ada 'dating' ngan kawan baik i masa kat uni dulu. Lama gila tak jumpa dia. Rasanya last masa sebelum I transfer keje di Terengganu (that was tahun 2002). Kiranya dah lebih 10 tahun tak jumpa. How did we met again? Luckily she didn't change her phone number. It was he birthday last 4th March and I wished her birthday. Excited dah lama x jumpa, we set a date yesterday @ KLCC. At the same time, I pun set date dgn akak yg supply ubat (nak kena amik additional dose). Since nak kena bawak cooler beg yg gabak tu, I malas la nak bawa handbag I. Siap letak wallet dalam beg plastik so that wallet i tak basah kena ice pack dlm cooler beg tu. Gerak ke KLCC, terus jumpa akak supplier tu. Time nak bayar.... OMG!!!!! Only ice pack dalam beg tu. I tertinggal wallet I kat opis (which is 4 station away from KLCC LRT station)....

Alhamdulillah.... I'm so thankful to Allah. When I think about my life, rasanya lagi banyak kesenangan yg I alami berbanding dengan kesusahan dan ujian. Terima Kasih Ya Allah!!! Today went for follow up with doctor on my progress. Selalunya I'll opt for early morning check up. Datang seawal-awal pagi, letak kad appointment kat counter and pegi lepak2 sambil breakfast sampai pkol 8.30 am. Usually I would be the first or second person yang jumpa doctor bila i dtg awal2 pagi tu. However, since hospital dah ada new procedure, kena buat appointment at least 3 days earlier. And since I buat appointment lambat, I was advised to come on late morning so that I x perlu tunggu lama coz diorang can only retrieve my file when I came and register. Around 10 am kluar opis, sampai hospital dlm 10.15 am (opis n hospital dah dekat). But Innalillah... punya ramai orang and i dok pusing2 cari parking. I rasa dekat 3 kali I pusing tingkat B2 and B3 mencari parking. Hampir putus asa and nak stress...

Thursday night, 28/2, the much awaited AF came. Yeyy!!! At last... I couldn't sleep that night. Can't remember bila I dozzed off. Tau2 dah pagi... Siap2 pegi keje (gi meeting actually the whole day kat hotel corus... x masuk opis pun). Can't concentrate to whatever things they discussed. My mind was already somewhere else. Well... that is my problem. When I had something in mind, I can't focus on other things. In the afternoon, call my doc and get her instruction... and today at CD 4, I started my stim drugs! (huhuhuhu...sounds like drug addict je i nih... by the way, stim tu meaning stimulation yer... bukan 'stim' yg khayal tu!). Ada brani mau cucuk?? Heheheh... Sorry ladies, this time around I can't disclose what was the stim drug prescribed to me. But I bet some would know one of the drug already. heheheheh.... Anyway....I was instructed to take those 2 shots in the morning starting today until....well, until when the doc said stop la. And I can...