Roasting a Turkey

I was having a quick conversation with my sister Thanksgiving morning, discussing the subtleties of preparing a turkey dinner. At one point I mentioned that I would be bringing the turkey up to her house and we'd put it in the oven. As I talked my son suddenly began to...how can I describe it?...oh, yeah...he began to FREAK OUT!

He was screaming at the top of his lungs. After several frantic moments I was able to decipher "I DON'T WANT TO GO IN THE OVEN!!!!" over and over and over again. It was then that I realized my little boy, frequently referred to as a "turkey", overheard a conversation that might have been a little frightening.

Fallout

Lindy: "Mom, our family goes on the dumbest vacations."

No matter how hard I tried to convince her that we have actually had good family vacations in the past, she just kept bringing up the fact that we sat on a boat for "who knows how long" and didn't even go anywhere.

Sigh.

What I Learned On Vacation

• I like electricity (how else are you supposed to get air conditioning?)
• Smoking pot is stupid.
• Curtis can hit his head easier than he can breath.
• My girls can go from happy to cat-fight in .5 seconds.
• The ocean is really big.
• Aunt Kristin has infinite reserves of patience...and my girls really like her.
• You can't force your kids to eat something they don't want to...even if it's all they're going to get.
• There are actually benefits to having a child NOT potty-trained.
• You should ALWAYS carry a flashlight.
• I have dramatically underestimated the value of flushing toilets.

We're Home!

We are officially back on dry land. (Why is it, then, that I still feel the world tilting beneath my feet? Oh well...)

As our ship finally reached it's resting place in San Diego Lindy suddenly had a change of heart. She no longer wanted to get off the ship. She wanted to go on a cruise. I told her "no deal" and was treated to a stubborn "I'm going to wear my Fun Ship Freddy hat until I make you vomit" demonstration/protest.

It nearly worked.

We walked off the Splendor and onto a waiting bus. I don't know if they were trying to be super helpful and get us to our hotel as quickly as possible or if they just really didn't want us talking to the press. (When I say "press" I mean it...we saw countless news trucks, cameras, etc. We just saw them from our bus window as we drove swiftly by.)

Looking back, it wasn't all bad. We were part of something that we'll never forget. When we planned a memorable family vacation I'm not sure this is what we had in mind. But...

The crew was amazing. They worked incredibly hard the entire time to make our experience as good as it could be (given the circumstances). We will be refunded the entire cost of the cruise, will receive vouchers up to equal value to use on a future cruise, AND they are paying for our hotel, food, and airfare to get home.

Thank you, Carnival, for the experience. It was, in fact, memorable. Let's just not do it again, okay?

Adrift: Day 3

The smell is getting worse. No...I mean it's getting much, much worse. (Where's that vomid bag when I need it?)

My children lost their appetite for unrecognizable sandwich creations early on. Luckily I have a smart husband. He was able to foresee an imminent problem with the food situation and our children. Therefore, during the Day One breakfast he was able to procure (and stuff in his backpack) an absurd amount of little cereal boxes which we passed out every time we heard, "I'm not going to eat that!"

This morning, as Lindy was eagerly slurping down a bowl of Froot Loops she suddenly exclaimed, "Look! It's us!"

We glanced over to see a single green Loop adrift in the middle of her bowl. We all watched the lone vessel as it slowly floated toward the edge of the bowl. As soon as it reached it's destination Lindy exclaimed, "Yay! We made it to land!"

We've laughed for days.

She Does Like to Draw

While lost at sea Ian spent a great deal of effort devising ways to entertain our bored and cranky crew of children. At one point he gave Lindy an "assignment" to help him procure some sort of sustenance for our malnourished family. (Yes, I exaggerate.) She was rather excited at being given such an adult responsibility and proceeded to follow Ian, bouncing her way up and down through the maze of cruisers.

A lady in line leaned over to Ian and asked, "Oh, is she autistic?"

Of course, Ian misunderstood and, thinking she has said "artistic", replied, "Well, yes...she does like to draw."

The lady clarified, "No, I meant AU-tistic. She was bouncing up and down and not saying anything."

Ian didn't know what to say.

And neither do I.

Adrift: Day 2

Now that we have working toilets and running (but cold) water, let's talk food.

Admittedly, I'm probably one of the pickiest eaters I know (except, of course, for Jonie). But...I would like to believe that I'm not the only one who would wonder at the brain power behind the following menu choices:

White bread, butter, beet slice.

Plain bagel, wilted lettuce leaf, raw salmon.

Roll, butter, mystery meat.

Wilted lettuce, chopped hot dog in fake cheese sauce, all rolled in a tortilla.

And for dessert: White bread from who-knows-when, weird pink pudding, strawberry and chocolate shavings.

This, combined with our multiple (so many) trips up and down 9 flights of stairs made it a diet cruise for me. (No joke.)

There was one exciting event, however. The navy showed up with an aircraft carrier, a helicopter, and 60,000 lbs. of food, bottled water, and supplies. We spent a few moments waving to the men on board and taking pictures of them while they waved and took pictures of us. Funny.

We were hoping the food delivery would save us from the unidentifiable food. We were mistaken. I did see Pop Tarts and granola bars (thank you, sailors) but would have actually enjoyed a little Spam in those sandwiches. Where was the Spam? To be honest, the bulk of their delivery seemed to be beer. LOTS and LOTS of beer.

That evening we were informed that we would no longer be towed to Ensenada (hallelujah). They would be towing us to San Diego (yippee!) but we wouldn't get there until Thursday evening (WHAT?)

Two more days to go.

(Other news: our neighbors in the cabin next to us were frequent (consistent, repeated, incessant) partakers of the free hootch. This, combined with their penchant for smoking pot (no, I'm not kidding), made for a friendly feeling all around. Okay...not so friendly. They were obnoxious!)

Adrift: Day 1

Monday morning, 6:00am:

I awoke to a sudden lurching and was instantly alert. "That's not normal...", I thought to myself. Moments later the Captain's voice, along with a cacophony of alarms and sirens, came over the PA system, "Alpha team, Alpha team, Deck zero Engine Room".

Yup...that's really not normal (during our safety drill the night before, the Cruise Director had made a point to mention that announcements would never be made within the cabins unless it was an emergency). Then came the smell of smoke. Aw, crap! We grabbed socks, shoes, and jackets, and began herding our trio of trouble-makers up to our designated Muster Station...you know, the place where they have the life boats. As we stood there, my nephew turned to his mom and asked, "Mom...was the Titanic a cruise ship?" (Yikes!) After a short time we were invited to "relax" in the public dining areas rather than hang out near the lifeboats. Okay, so we're not sinking. That's good.

It didn't take us very long, however, to realize that the ship was in bad shape. No engines, no electricity, no water, NO FLUSHING TOILETS! We spent the entire day in our pajamas, on the upper decks, waiting to hear the final diagnoses. It wasn't until that evening that the Cruise Director, John, announced officially that our trip was "terminated". Terminated was good. Terminated meant that we wouldn't be picking up the cruise halfway through and skipping our ports of call. Terminated meant a refund. Wahoo!

Unfortunately, it also meant that the engines were finished. Toast. Kaput. Done. We were officially "dead in the water". Solution: They would be calling in a couple tug boats to come and drag our 113,000 ton ship back to land. Holy crap! We were then informed that we would be stuck on the boat until Wednesday. That when I wanted to:

(Note the spelling: "Vomid" We laughed for hours)

The Night Before

After dumping our belongings unceremoniously into our cabins, the entire clan made way to the Lido deck for a quick buffet lunch/pre-dinner. We piled our plates with various buffet items and gobbled it down with gusto.

We then looked at our watches and realized that our dining time was in a short hour and a half. Darn it.

Promptly at 6:00pm we arrived at the Gold Pearl dining room and were given a menu simply bursting with delicious choices. Soups, salads, baked potatoes, ribs, Indian food...you name it.

What did I order? A caesar salad.

Hindsight kind of stinks. This turned out to be our last chance for a hot meal...and I BLEW IT!

But, with that delicious caesar salad sitting in my belly we bid farewell to the rest of the group and turned in early. And we slept well....until....

Setting Sail

We experienced more than our fair share of hiccups before we even arrived on board our cruise ship, the Carnival Splendor.

After a slightly frantic, absolutely stressful, time of transferring all 14 of us from our hotel to the pier, we were met with a 3 1/2 hour line before we could even check in. (Yes...unbelievable.) How do you wait in line that long with 7 children? Yeah...I don't know either. Although, Curtis showed signs of contentment every once in a while.

After the interminable wait we finally got our turn at the check-in desk only to find out that the children's birth certificates were not in Ian's backpack, but in his suitcase...the suitcase that we had already sent on board with the porter approximately 3 hours earlier!!! (I may have actually screamed at this point, I'm not sure.)

Our solution? Send Jody on a sprint through a HUGE cruise ship, down to our rooms to see if the suitcase had already been delivered, see if she could locate the documents, and bring them back to the check-in desk to us.

As we waited (yes, again) Ian expressed his burgeoning dislike for cruising...at which point I may, or may not, have threatened to ignore him for the remainder of the trip.

Jody arrived breathless, but triumphant. (You rock, sis.) The kids were soon checked in and we were given the go-ahead to board the ship.

That turned out to be a dreadful mistake.

Crossing My Fingers

For as long as I can remember I've loved to read. The quirky, often volatile, relationship I have with my eldest daughter has made me worried that she would decide to hate books simply because I like them...

So, it made my heart happy to see her sit down at the airport the other day, whip out a book, and start reading.

(Yay!)

If You're Wondering Where We've Been

(Picture courtesy of Lindy)