Health was never an issue for me.
I was generally a healthy girl throughout my living years. Something normal like an ulcer, I first got it when I was in my early twenties (I would assume that is pretty late?) judging from how my brother reacted when I first told him that. I thought what was this horrible painful thing in my mouth and if I am going to die from it.
Turns out you don't and I have since fell in love with "si gua suan". I do not trust any other brands and that's my go to whenever there is ulcer and yes, I also no longer think I will die from it.
This changed as I age.
Small minor here and there's were acceptable and by comparison I was still generally healthy, priding on the fact that I rarely had to go to the doctor's. It was a well known fact among everyone who knows me and I thought I was just blessed.
I noticed esp so after my dad fell sick. Small minors became recurring.
Tummy aches which were diagnosed as gastric got more frequent. The first time I had a (now I know how minor it was) headache? I immediately empathize friends who had headaches on a regular basis.
But nothing tops the first day (I think) after my dad was discharged from the hospital. I was tasked immediately as the person who is gonna keep track all his meds and makes sure he eats them. He was being stubborn as he hated western meds and has little trust in them. Here I am desperate to make sure he eats his meds, there he was a full grown 60+ year old man acting like he was 6.
It was tough.
And it was only the first night, on that very night. I had sudden heart palpitations, then a gradual feeling of numbness traveled down my left arm.
In shock, I stood up and started jumping (on hindsight, not sure if that was the best) but by sudden reflex due to shock. It got worse. I panicked more. I decided taking deeper, slower breathes as much as I could handle. My hands were clammy, my forehead cold and damp from sweat.
Thankfully, it slowed down but the feeling was already off.
Worried, close to midnight, I selfishly called my ah pek and he kindly drove all the way to my house to pick me up back to his place so I had someone next to me while I try to sleep.
Usually his snoring annoys me but that night hearing him snore was like a blessing. I felt safe.
What went on for the next 9 months during my dad's sickness was something none of us expected. What was just an innocent case of serious diarrhea, lead to diabetic foot complications, hardened veins causing obstruction in blood flow, suspected heart issues, foot edema, lungs with fluid retention, water leaking from legs, diabetic foot wound got worse due to that, maggots from wound..were there more?
I can't remember now.
On top of all that, we had SO MUCH company debts. I am not kidding when I say debts. It goes by the millions. Did I mention we owe pretty much everyone around us, friends and family money? By the thousands? Not like 4 digits. It goes up to 5 digits. per person not accumulative. Oh yes, of course, we had loan shark debts too.
My mom broke down everyday. every night. She wailed & cried, she bang her head on the floor hard in front of my deteriorating dad, in front of the Buddha altar, she threw things, she cursed, she cried in faces so twisted in pain and agony. Those facial expressions forever planted in my memory.
It was a barrage of mix feelings those 9 months, there were days I wanted to run from it all. Some days I know we just have to plough through as a family.
I miss my dad. I really do. It's not like I am super close to him. But I guess there is a sense of comfort knowing he's there and in my mind, I never would have thought I would lose him so early. In my mind, we would all grow old together. He would naturally leave when the time is right. When he has lived a fulfilling life seeing a better more stable future and having grandkids.
Obviously none of those happen.
In a morbid way, his death saved us a little. His insurance managed to cover some debts. Some we could not pay at all. Some we paid it all. Some we are still paying what we can.
To be frank, all the debts happened from my dad and it's tough. You wanna hate him cause he caused this but at the same time, how can I. He only had good intentions but bad outcomes. Sometimes shit happens in business.
I miss him so. The nights where we watch WWE. The nights he picks me from tuition and always tapauing dim sum or paus as late snacks at home. The mornings he drags my bro and me ( my bro more haha) to the morning markets and bak kut teh. The random convos we have about almost anything cause we random like that. The dinners where we eat fish together, me and him cause only both of us are mad like that. The more bones the better. The times he brings us out to see fishes cause he likes that too. Yes, to rare AND eat. Different kind of fishes but yea, you get my drift. The nights he falls asleep on the couch and I had to watch like a hawk to see if his stomach is moving to make sure he's alive.
I even miss the horrible times sometimes. Tbh, I don't remember which are the horrible times anymore. I just miss him.
I am surprised at how much I miss him.
He passed in 2019.
Till today, I have sudden break downs and just cry out of the blue.
I thought I cried enough throughout the whole 9 months when he was sick. The more he deteriorated, the more I cried. I never expected I would continue to do so. Less but still on going.
Maybe cause it's May.
Maybe cause his birthday is in 8 days.
I don't know. I really don't.
Today, on the 11th at 2pm, I was washing up the kitchen after cooking a late lunch (the lunch was so bad. My cooking skills are horrible -_-)
Suddenly, my heart palpitations came, fast, strong AND loud. I could literally hear the beats at my ears. Automatically, I breathed slow & deep. It got worse. My hand shook almost out of control. I started to drink some water while trying to keep calm cause I dowan to worry my mil.
I called my ah pek straightaway. Asking him to come home and help me.
I couldn't process what was happening. Why was this happening.
I ended up at A&E Sunway. I was so shaken that the at first fierce nurse changed her demeanour and treated me like a child.
Tmr I am going to see a cardiologist.
Have I mentioned I hate hospitals? It is one of my most hatred and feared place. A place for healing, but yet I had more bad memories than good about it.
I am so scared and afraid.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I have been trying really hard but nothing seems to help with my health.
I really just wanna live everyday the best I can.
It took my dad's death to make me realize that life is precious & everyday even the mundane things can be special.
I wanna live life with happiness and no regrets.