HELL RIDE -- Movie Review by Porfle

 Originally posted on 9/27/13

 

Is the phrase "Quentin Tarantino Presents" before a film's title a reliable sign of quality?  After watching HELL RIDE (2008), my answer to that question would be, in a word, no.  And in two words, hell no.  If this is any indication, then Tarantino might as well start calling people into the bathroom after he takes a dump so that he can proudly "present" the results to them.

What little storyline there is often gets lost in the seemingly random editing, or is put on hold every time some mangy old biker dudes get their hands on the non-stop parade of salacious silicone babes who seem to infest this flick like tribbles.  What it all boils down to is that way back in 1976, some rival bad-guy bikers called the Six Six Sixers murdered good-guy biker Pistolero's girlfriend, and now, thirty some-odd years later, Pistolero (writer-director Larry Bishop), with the help of fellow gang members the Victors, decides to get revenge. 

I've read that Bishop used to be a biker himself and has firsthand experience with the lifestyle, which seems to add zero validity to this particular project.  Basically what you've got here is a bunch of middle-aged actors who have been roped into a turkey and they know it, so they're just goofing their way through it.  Michael Madsen, who has been known to sleepwalk through films he doesn't take seriously, invests about as much effort in the role of Pistolero's devil-may-care cohort "The Gent" (he wears a tuxedo jacket instead of a leather jacket for some damn reason) as he would if his neighbor pointed a home video camera at him. 

David Carradine, as rival gang leader "The Deuce", is there simply to lend whatever coolness factor he can to his few scenes, while Dennis Hopper comes off as nothing more than a silly old fart.  Even Vinnie Jones as evil, oral-sex-obsessed rival biker "Billy Wings" seems embarrassed here, which may be the film's most noteworthy accomplishment. 

As for young Eric Balfour as the mysterious newcomer Cheyenne, he seems to take the whole thing about as seriously as Bishop, meaning that he's just as arch and stiff a presence.  Nobody,  however, can match Larry Bishop's hernia-inducing attempts to be a badass--at times, he treats the simple act of standing in one spot with such sinew-stretching intensity that we fear he may implode.

The movie is filled with flashbacks, flash forwards, changes in style, changes in film stock, switches from color to black-and-white and back, zoom-ins, zoom-outs, focus fiddling, and most other types of cinematic frou-frou you can think of, but there's no rhyme or reason to any of it.  Bishop's clearly trying to be arty in several sequences, but his visuals look sloppy instead.  And when his character goes out into the desert and takes peyote in one scene, this gives the director an excuse to indulge in the usual meandering drug-trip nonsense with its skin-deep philosophizing.

There are homages to Tarantino's homages, such as a mysterious box whose contents we never get to see, and a POV shot looking up from inside the box that's a miniature version of the way Tarantino shoots people opening car trunks.  There's the jukebox soundtrack, featuring several truly ear-curdling songs.  And of course, there's the dialogue.  HELL RIDE contains stretches of dialogue that might make you wish Jules Winnfield and Vincent Vega had never discussed foot massages or mentioned the words "Royale with cheese." 

At one point Pistolero and his aptly-named girlfriend Nada (sexy Leonor Varela) get into a pun war that includes every possible variation of the word "fire"--she's got a fire that needs putting out, he's got the firehose, she's a fire alarm, he's a fire-eater, etc.  It's a wonder they didn't manage to work "fire ants" into it somewhere.  Later, Bishop starts doing the same thing with the word "business", and you start wishing you could just grab a gun and shoot at the screen like Elvis used to do.

The impression I get from this movie's publicity is that if you liked GRINDHOUSE, you should love HELL RIDE.  But as far as I'm concerned, whatever you may have liked about one is sadly lacking in the other.  Getting the "right" actors together and having them be super tough and spout loopy dialogue at each other doesn't make a good movie if there isn't a decent story and a solid directorial vision.  HELL RIDE's problem is that it thinks it's a cool-as-hell movie to begin with, but doesn't have what it takes to actually be one.

HELL RIDE -- Movie Review by Porfle

DIAMOND HEIST -- DVD Review by Porfle

Originally posted on 3/17/15

 

Imagine sitting down to watch a movie with Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones called DIAMOND HEIST (2012)--thinking, quite understandably, that it's going to be about a diamond heist--and then finding out that it's a dreary, unfunny crime comedy about two Hungarian schlubs mistaken for a pair of popular male strippers known as "The Magic Boys." (Which, incidentally, was the film's original title.)

Even if you think that sounds like comedy gold, chances are you're going to find this mess disappointing. It's one of those bad direct-to-DVD flicks that guys like Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones lend their names and faces to for an easy paycheck and then mug their way through like it was a home video. (Which I think would be a cool way to make a living and would totally do myself if I could.)

The story opens with Madsen--in the role of Terence, an eccentric strip-club tycoon and diamond smuggler--smashing a yogurt buffet in the restaurant of the posh London hotel where he lives because he's lactose intolerant and his special goat's milk yogurt is nowhere to be seen. I wasn't sure if this was in the script, or if they'd just secretly filmed him at the craft services table between shots.

There's a lot of crosscutting while the film throws a passel of new characters at us along with some really annoying music and visuals. The best I could decipher it, two male strippers ("The Magic Boys") disappear from one of Michael Madsen's clubs and he sends his mousey assistant "Bad News" to Hungary to find two more. As fate would have it, the two Hungarian schlubs, David and Zoli, are on the run after witnessing Vinnie knocking off a guy, and they end up posing as the missing Magic Boys for free passage to London.

David and Zoli are like a cross between "Dumb and Dumber" and the two "Wild and Crazy Guys" from SNL, when they hit town and are situated in their luxury suite. Bad comedy ensues when they take the stage at Madsen's club and reveal their incompetence while big Mike makes faces and groans.

He later gets the two on their knees at gunpoint in his office and does the whole "I'm the last guy you want to f*** with!" routine, which is always great for a few laughs. Then, inexplicably, he decides that the act will be improved if he forces his right-hand man Splendid Ben (an understandably embarrassed-looking Tamer Hassan, KICK-ASS, FREERUNNER, THE DOUBLE) to join it. You can almost hear "Seinfeld"s Kenny Banya bleating "It's gold, Jerry! Gold!" when the three next appear onstage in full drag. It's as though my sense of humor has been injected with novocaine.

(Meanwhile, elsewhere in London, the REAL Magic Boys also end up on the wrong stage and find themselves getting raped by a hairy, leather-bound gay behemoth. It's fun for the whole family!)

The movie tries to get cute and charming here and there, with one of the Hungarian guys getting cutely chummy with the cute black lady (singer Jamelia as "Cherry Valentine") who works for Mikey as a diamond smuggler but is really not what she seems and zzzzzzzz. As an example of the film's cliched dialogue, the following exchange takes place when he asks about her past:

"That's a bit of a long story."
"I have time."

We find that Cherry's past is actually key to the whole thing, and the lovestruck Hungarian guy decides he must help her in her mission against Mike and/or Vinnie, which is complicated when Vinnie suddenly shows up in London. Things finally perk up when Cherry makes her move during a lavish birthday bash Mike holds for himself, but the whole male stripper angle continues to dumb thing up when the real and fake Magic Boys clash-dance onstage during a lame imitation of the opera scene from THE FIFTH ELEMENT.

The DVD from Random Media is in letterboxed widescreen with Dolby 5.1 sound. No subtitles, but closed-captions are available. No extras.

However lacking it is in other areas, the most disappointing thing about DIAMOND HEIST is that there's no diamond heist. That's like calling a movie GONE WITH THE WIND and not having anything actually blow away. Or changing the name of GONE WITH THE WIND to DIAMOND HEIST.

DIAMOND HEIST -- DVD Review by Porfle

SLIPSTREAM (2005) -- movie review by porfle

 

(NOTE: This was one of my first reviews from back in 2005 when I loved recapping the plots to movies in detail,  so there are a lot of spoilers here.)

 

There are plenty of time-travel stories about people going back hundreds, even thousands of years into the past.  But ten minutes?  If you think about it, this could come in quite handy in a wide range of day-to-day situations. 

You could win arguments, say just the right things to people you want to impress, avoid a variety of mishaps, missteps, and mistakes, or -- as Stuart Conway, inventor of The Slipstream Device, seems to have noticed -- you could cash the same paycheck over and over.

Stuart (Sean Astin, LORD OF THE RINGS) doesn't seem like a particularly dishonest person, but as SLIPSTREAM (2005) begins, we find that the beyond-top-secret government research agency that this beyond-intelligent-physicist is working for has cut the funding on his pet project and stuck him in a back room out of everyone's way. 

So, well, he's feeling a bit underappreciated lately, and decides to prove the validity of his theories on time travel by using his new invention, a "poly-dimensional translocation device" (which looks a lot like a cell phone) to cash his latest paycheck as many times as he wants to. 

So there he is, standing at the teller's window at the bank, trying in his worst beyond-super-geek way to sweet-talk the bank clerk he has a crush on, when a particular observation he makes about the highly distracting properties of her low-cut blouse prompts her to pick up the decaf, non-fat, soy concoction she's been sipping and hurl it right at his face. 

Reflexively, he whips out his Slipstream Device and pushes a button.  The liquid slows to a snail's pace and then freezes in mid-air.  Then it begins to retrace its path back into her cup.  Time suddenly zips backward ten minutes -- and their encounter is now at its starting point again.  Cool! he thinks giddily.  While she's counting out my money again, I'll have another chance to shower her with suave witticisms!

Suddenly the doors to the bank fly open and in bursts a band of armed bank robbers, a motley assortment of scruffy, lower-class Brits led by Winston Briggs (Vinnie Jones) and his punky fiancee of twelve years, Gillian (Victoria Bartlett), who are extreme movie fans and fancy themselves as either Bonnie and Clyde or Butch and Sundance according to the situation.  And the situation gets a lot tenser when two FBI agents who have been keeping Stuart under surveillance whip out their guns. 

At first it's a standoff, but in no time there's a heap o' lead flying around, and one of the slugs catches Stuart right in the chest.  The robbers take the money and run.  Agent Sarah Tanner (Ivana Milicevic, CASINO ROYALE) rushes to Stuart's aid.  He tells her to pick up the device and press the button, which she does. 

In a flash, it's ten minutes earlier and Sarah is back standing with her partner Jake (Kevin Otto) before the robbery.  Since she was holding the device when it was activated, she is aware of the time-jump and is understandably flabbergasted.  She looks at Stuart, then at the clock, and realizes that a bank robbery is about to occur.

Or reoccur, that is.  This time there's even more shooting, and things go even more wrong.  Jake runs outside in pursuit of the fleeing bank robbers, and is shot dead as they escape.  Sarah is stricken with grief because she's in love with Jake -- they've even been perusing the classifieds for a nice house to move into together -- and it dawns on her that if Stuart is able to turn back the clock ten minutes, he can save Jake's life. 

One problem, though -- the bank robbers have The Slipstream Device!  And if she and Stuart don't get it back within ten minutes, they won't be able to go back in time far enough to save Jake!

And that's just the start of it!  (Pardon me while I catch my breath.)  Briggs and his gang have a freeway crack-up in their van and end up taking a busload of people hostage.  Sarah and Stuart try to get on the bus, but Briggs shoots Stuart -- again.  So Sarah has to tell him about the device in order to be able to use it to save Stuart.  Briggs thinks this would be a great way to rob the same bank over and over.  When the chopper he's demanded arrives, he and Gillian rig the bus to explode and take off with their gang and Stuart in tow. 

Fast-forward a bit (we can do that, even if Stuart can't) and we find Briggs and Stuart on an airplane headed out of the country.  Sarah has managed to board the same plane.  She gets The Slipstream Device away from Briggs, but it is broken in the struggle.  Briggs would rather die than be caught, so he shoots out a window, and the sudden decompression causes the plane to go into a dive. 

The pilots try their best to pull out, but there's a really big mountain in their windscreen, and it's getting bigger and bigger.  To make things worse, a stewardess whacks Briggs over the head with a fire extinguisher while he's pointing his gun at Sarah, causing him to shoot her at point blank range.  Sarah goes down, dead.  The plane hits the mountain.

As you can see, a lot happens in this movie, and most of it is pretty entertaining.  It's a bit derivative at times -- the bank sequence reminded me a lot of an old OUTER LIMITS episode with Barry Morse, Grace Lee Whitney, and Carroll O'Connor called "Controlled Experiment", in which a woman shoots her husband in a fit of jealousy and a Martian who has come to Earth to study the act of murder uses a device to replay the event backwards, forwards, in slow-motion, etc., and the climax owes a bit to 1964's THE TIME TRAVELERS, although I have no idea whether or not the filmmakers have seen it. 

But there's also a great deal of inventiveness going on here.  David van Eyssen throws everything but the kitchen sink into his directing style at times, especially in the bank shoot-outs that get wilder and more dizzyingly cinematic (though a bit overdone) with every ten-minute replay.  The final moments aboard the airplane are nice -- time stands still, or is slowed down and extended so that we're able to appreciate the effects that certain actions or events have on the characters at crucial instances, and then images begin to flash by and become almost subliminal impressions rushing toward the inevitable conclusion. 

The actors are all very good in their roles, so much so that you even begin to care about the bad guys (Vinnie Jones and Victoria Bartlett make a lovely couple).  Sean Astin and Ivana Milicevic are appealing leads.  The musical score by Rob Lord is outstanding. 

This isn't a great film by any means, but it's definitely a thought-provoking, action-packed good time.  Ten minutes after it was over, I pressed the button on my poly-dimensional translocation device (okay, my DVD player) and watched it again.

SLIPSTREAM (2005) -- movie review by porfle